Special Recognition for Non-Bridesmaids?

JulieS327

I have several close girlfriends and decided to pick my bridesmaids based on who would make me feel most at ease right before walking down the aisle.  However, I decided not to ask one of my very best friends because of political reasons (if I asked her, I would also need to ask another friend who frequently hung out with us who creates a lot of stress).  I am now feeling really awful at the thought of my friend being hurt by not receiving a bridesmaid invitation.  Does anyone have any ideas on a special role she could play in the wedding (something more than greeting or sitting by the guest sign in book)?
 
Thank you for any suggestions or advice! 

stina93446

Have her do a reading...

Oh and BTW, guest book attendant and greeter is a JOB, not an honor.

trix1223

Let her be a reader.  If it's a Catholic mass she can bring up the gifts.  If she's a musician with enough performance experience to make her good at it, and comfortable, perhaps she could present a musical selection.

Anything else, as you suspect, a busy-work, made up "job" that she will know is a busy-work, made up "job". 

Remember that being a guest is also being involved in your wedding.

GL

graysquirrel

I'd also suggest reader, or maybe PA if you're having one. Don't make her do the guest book, punch bowl, or anything like that. Those are kinda like the lonely prom date reject jobs-- she wont be able to enjoy things if she's stuck behind a table. 

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_special-recognition-non-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672a456f-581e-44be-a38b-97e06aa98710Post:d970e114-eeaa-4fe6-951e-cd6e0292e08c">Re: Special Recognition for Non-Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd also suggest reader, or maybe PA if you're having one. Don't make her do the guest book, punch bowl, or anything like that. Those are kinda like the lonely prom date reject jobs-- she wont be able to enjoy things if she's stuck behind a table. 
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]

<div>If by PA, you mean "personal assistant" I would have to disagree. PA is just another word for slave. This should be a paid position.</div>

trix1223

A PA does the job of a DOC.  And DOCs get paid for their services.  Please don't ask your friend to be unpaid labor at your wedding.

JulieS327

Thanks so much for the quick responses!  I've really been worrying about it.  It sounds like having her do a reading is the way to go.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_special-recognition-non-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672a456f-581e-44be-a38b-97e06aa98710Post:0480a6c1-c984-40c9-b255-8de851df209d">Special Recognition for Non-Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have several close girlfriends and decided to pick my bridesmaids based on who would make me feel most at ease right before walking down the aisle.  However, I decided not to ask one of my very best friends because of political reasons (if I asked her, I would also need to ask another friend who frequently hung out with us who creates a lot of stress).  I am now feeling really awful at the thought of my friend being hurt by not receiving a bridesmaid invitation.  Does anyone have any ideas on a special role she could play in the wedding (something more than greeting or sitting by the guest sign in book)?   Thank you for any suggestions or advice! 
Posted by JulieS327[/QUOTE]
I think that it's a diick move to choose politics over your "very best friend."   She should be hurt and offended.  Grow a pair of boobies and ask her to be in your wedding.  Your other "friend" can suck it.

JulieS327

They are all "best friends".  Another reason I didn't ask her originally is because she doesn't know if she believes in the concept of marriage and was also unemployed.  I didn't want it to be a burden to her financially, especially if it is for something she doesn't value.  But I still do want to honor her as a friend.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_special-recognition-non-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672a456f-581e-44be-a38b-97e06aa98710Post:29d43f63-11eb-4df1-992f-634670291b2e">Re: Special Recognition for Non-Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]They are all "best friends".  Another reason I didn't ask her originally is because she doesn't know if she believes in the concept of marriage and was also unemployed.  I didn't want it to be a burden to her financially, especially if it is for something she doesn't value.  But I still do want to honor her as a friend.
Posted by JulieS327[/QUOTE]
I still think you should have asked her.  If it would be a financial burden or something she didn't want to do, then she could decline.  But I would never dream of making that choice for someone else.

Of course, I can't imagine excluding my very best friends either.

aerinpegadrak

One of my friends is a broke grad student, she was still in my wedding and didn't spend a dime to do so (wore a dress and accessories she already owned, did her own makeup, I paid for hair).  If you know that your friends are on a tight budget, it's on you to keep the costs reasonable, not to decide that they can't be in because they don't have sufficient disposable income.  And if she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't support the idea of marriage, that's fine, but that should be her call to make, not yours.  A request to be a BM is not a subpoena, she can turn it down if she doesn't want to or can't do it.

Sorry, but I think all of your reasons for not asking her are kind of lame. 

JulieS327

Sorry that I have offended so many people.  That obviously was not my intent.  Thank you for the earlier suggestions of other ways of involvement.

bablingbrooke

I think you'll regret keeping her out of the wedding for the reasons you did.  You'll probably also be mad at yourself for making such a decision; none of those are things that should keep someone out.  It also comes across as being a bit self-centered, since if her "anti-marriage" stance doesn't keep her from being a reader, it shouldn't keep her from being a BM, and I suspect you don't think she can spend enough money on you.  Otherwise you wouldn't want her involved at the wedding at all if it was her POV that offended you.  And that's the sort of attitude brides regret and lose friends over.

Just something to think about.

JulieS327

Thanks for your input, bablingbrooke.  I'm sorry it seems that I'm coming across as self-centered.  That's not my intent at all.  I wasn't thinking she couldn't spend enough money on me - I don't want/need people spending on me.  But I now see where all of your opinions are valuable.  She should have been asked. 

mbcdefg

If you want her in the wedding, ask her.

If there are problems concerning money, the two of you can work them out together.

If there are concerns over her view on marriage, she can talk to you about it ... but, you know, she can still support YOU without necessarily liking the idea of the insitution of marriage. I don't like the idea of my brokeass friends spending $300K they don't have on a new house, but I'm not going to cut them out of nice things in my life because of it.

bablingbrooke

Your wedding is 10 months away; plenty of time to still ask her, probably even without her suspecting anything (it's advisable to ask at 10 months at the earliest).  Don't worry about it making your sides uneven--it doesn't matter.

aerinpegadrak

Even if she knows you've asked your other girls already, you can just be honest.  "At first I thought that you might not want to do it, but I realized that I shouldn't make that decision for you, and that I'd always regret not asking you."  Though I would only bring it up if she does first.

zitiqueen

How old are all of you?

stina93446

Just because we said "have her do a reading" it doesn't mean that she isn't/wasn't supposed to be asked as a bm. Please reconsider this, as your reasons for not asking are pretty pathetic. In your first post, it really sounds like you wanted her to be one. It's not  too late.