BM issue- how to address this?!

whitneymarie504

Ok, so I have previously posted about having a less than 2 months engagement. Our wedding is currently 24 days away. I have 6 Bridesmaids including my MOH and FI has 6 on his side as well. All of his GM are local. His sister is a BM and lives out of state, my cousin and another BM are a few hours away, 2 of them (including MOH are local) and finally the one I am having an issue with....

She was local when I asked her to be a BM. She doesn't drive and is quite a "hippie" (camps all summer long, etc) but I love this girl dearly. I knew I would have to take her to dress fittings and such but I want her to be in my wedding so I had no issue about that and asked her anyways. Since asking her and ordering all the dresses she broke her hand, likely going to have pins put in it, is unable to work, and has since moved 5 hours up north to stay with her dad.

Originally. I had planned to pick her up today and take her home on Monday so that she could get fitted for any alterations needed to the dress and attend the bridal shower hosted by my Mother. Now, she can't come because she is house sitting and needs the money. While I do understand that and I know she isn't really required to attend the shower I am having a mini panic attack over getting her dress taken care of. I also suspect she doesn't realize BM pay for their own dresses as she hasn't been in a wedding before (I know, this is my fault for not explaining it but most of my girls have been in weddings before or work in the industry so I never even thought about it) and I know she is not in a position to do so herself at this point in time.

So what do I do here??? My options, as I see them, are
:
1) Make her an appointment to be fitted the week of the wedding, pick her up early so they have plenty of time to deal with the dress, pay for it out of my own pocket and not tell my other girls. (I feel badly paying for one and not all 6 but there is NO way I can afford 6 BM dresses)

2) Ask her to pay for it herself knowing she can't and therefore forcing her to step out of the wedding. I would feel HORRIBLE doing this to her because I KNOW she can't afford it now even though she could when the dresses where ordered.

UGGGGHHHHH....advice please?

msuprincess04

Wait, if the dress has already been ordered, then some measurements have already been taken, right? Was there a downpayment put on the dress? You may be forced to buy the dress either way or lose the downpayment money.

If the dress has already been ordered, why not just pick it up and send it to her? She can take it to a local seamstress if necessary, though It may just fit as it is. You can deal with finances later. If you aren't comfortable with that, or she's not, then let her wear something she already has.  Remember, the important part is that she's there next to you, not what she looks like in pictures. A friendship is more important than a dress.  

Maggie0829

Did you discuss each girls budget before picking a dress?  If you discussed their budgets then this BM should have realized that she will be paying for the dress not you.

You need to decide how badly you want her to be in the wedding.  If you want her to be in it then you may have to bite the bullet and just pay for her dress knowing that you will most likely not get reimbursed.

whitneymarie504

I already mentioned that I made the mistake of NOT discussing budget, payment, etc. I have been in the wedding industry my whole life as my grandmother owns a full service bridal boutique but have not planned or been in a wedding up until this point and did not realize that was the proper thing to do until coming to this board after I had already selected BM and ordered the dresses. I, incorrectly, assumed they all knew that BM and GM pay for their attire.

We ordered the dresses through my grandma so although they traditionally require half down she did not ask for that in this case. Measurements where taken to order the proper size but they are off the rack dresses so some alterations may be necessary (and in this case I know the length will have to be altered at the very least).

My wedding party is very traditional and formal and all of my BM need to match. The GM are in tuxes. My gown is huge and princess like with a train. If I thought she had something in fuschia or silver that was a floor length gown I might consider that option but she is NOT traditionally a girly girl and doesn't have anything in her closet already that fits the bill. If we would have had more time I would have let each girl select something that was floor length and of the proper colors but given the time frame I sent the girls who couldn't come to the store to see it each a photo of it and they all liked it so that was what I chose to order.

At this point, it's looking like I'll just suck it up and pay for her dress I guess. Thanks for the advice ladies!!!

whitneymarie504

By the way, the tag price of the dress is $136 so there definately not out there outrageously priced. My grandma was kind enough to knock off the typical $30 rush charge that would have been tacked on to the price for anyone else. If I do have to pay for it it won't be the end of the world but I do feel badly paying for 1 and not all.

aerinpegadrak

Matching dresses do not imply formality.  I'm not sure where people got that impression.

I would have had my friends next to me in pajamas if they weren't able to find something (and this was after I'd only told them to wear something black) because they were my very best friends and I couldn't imagine getting married without them there.  If you're willing to hinge your friendship on two yards of fabric worn for six hours, well, that says a lot about you.

mbcdefg

My wedding party is very traditional and formal and all of my BM need to match. The GM are in tuxes. My gown is huge and princess like with a train.

No, they don't "need" to match. None of these factors require the bridesmaids to be wearing perfectly matched dresses (I had all of those things, too, and my BMs wore different dresses). You've DECIDED that you want them to match. That's your right to decide that, but don't act like the decision is simply out of your hands and powers other than you are dictating what she has to wear.

Anyway ... you said that you made the mistake of not confirming her budget with her beforehand, and not making sure that she knew that she'd be responsible for paying for the dress. You also said that you really want her in the party and she's fallen on hard times lately. None of this is worth booting her out of your wedding party and possibly destroying your reltaionship with her. I agree with you - just quietly pay for her dress.

If you want to set up some kind of reimbursement plan with her, then talk to her about it ... but when you decide to front someone the money for something, you always need to go into it knowing and accepting that there's a chance that you won't be paid back. If you absolutely need to be paid back in full for her dress, then think twice about fronting her the cash.

pkontk

No one else needs to know you paid for her dress.

I don't really get alterations for BM dresses.  If they don't fit perfectly, its not the end of the world.  As long as the dress is a correct size for her, it will be fine unaltered.  As you didn't discuss budget beforehand, if she says she cannot pay for the dress I do think you should cover it, or at least the difference between the actual cost of the dress and what she can afford.

willywally5

I'd just pay for her dress quietly and send it to her so she can have it altered where she lives. 

jodyellen

The PP is right.

whitneymarie504

I'd actually forgotten I'd made this post. She has since said she will not be able to be in the wedding. I told her I understood and hoped she would atleast be able to attend as a guest which she is still unsure of (the wedding is now 1 week away). Another friend who happened to fit into "her" dress offered to stand up for me. I would NOT have asked anyone but she had been one of the people I originally considered before my Mom convinced me I needed to ask my cousin and I am close with her so since she offered that's what I went with.

Taking the dress to her was not an option as she lives 5 hours away one way now and therefore or would takie over 10 hours to deliver the dress. She lives in an extremely small town and I would have had no clue where to find a seamstress. I also wound up not being comfortable with purchasing her dress or loaning her the money to purchase it as we are strapped for cash a bit with planninbg the wedding and I am using those funds elsewhere.
Proper or not, that's how it all went down. I'm sad that she won't be in the wedding and may not even wind up attending but she hasn't seemed overly interested since she moved away and I could not commit to getting her here and then home on top of all the other expenses I would have incurred. Such is life I suppose. It doesn't always go the way we plan it unfortanetly.