please help! wedding party dilemma

cherrymariachi

I am planning to have a small bridal party (around 2 or 3 people on each side). I am deciding on my bridesmaids. I have already chosen and informed my maid of honor of her role, and my 2nd bridesmaid is a sure choice and she knows about my decision but she has to wait another month to see if she will be deployed or not (she is in the military). However, the 3rd bridesmaid I am unsure of. We were friends in high school, and now she lives out of town and we hang out when we can. Back in the day we always talked about being bridesmaids at each other's wedding.  Lately I feel like I have had to initiate all contact with her, and while she is excited about my wedding, I am questioning the reality of our friendship. To make matters worse my fiance is not too fond of her. However, I can't stand the thought of hurting her by not asking her to be in my bridal party. I am afraid she will badmouth me for years to come if I don't include her. If I give her another job to do I am afraid she will still feel slighted. Fellow brides, please help. The wedding is still 8 months away. With the way things are going will our friendship likely dissolve by then anyway? Even though we don't talk often will she still be devasted that she is not to be in my bridal party? Please help!!

8daysaweek

My advice would be not to ask anyone if you are unsure about the status of your friendship. I would advise you to forget about the wedding and bridal party for the time being and just focus on your relationship with this girl. Is it one you want to preserve? Do you want it to be better? If so, work on that and see where you are in a couple months. If you feel that you've improved the relationship and you are certain you want her as a bridesmaid, ask her then.

tldh

If it were three in the morning, pouring rain and cold, and your car broke down fifty miles from home, would you call her for help?  If you are unsure about where the two of you stand as friends, you will save yourself a lot of headaches by not asking her to be in the WP.  As for what she will say about you, do you really care?

mbcdefg

I am afraid she will badmouth me for years to come if I don't include her.

Is this person really a true friend, then?

If I give her another job to do I am afraid she will still feel slighted.

Yes, you are right. Busywork is not an honor. 

Even though we don't talk often will she still be devasted that she is not to be in my bridal party?

Not everyone is dying to be a bridesmaid in someone's wedding.

Unless she's going around saying how excited she is to be in your wedding, maybe she is just genuinely glad for you, and maybe she's happy to have a fun wedding to look forward to as a guest.

Some people might feel a bit of disappointment if they considered the person a close friend, sure (or if they just love being in weddings), but they get over it. The insane people are the ones who go beserk over it.

suit10

I agree, if you are feeling unsure, it might be better not to ask, and if she badmouth you afterwards I don't think she's a very good friend after all, if she really cares for you, she should understand

Best of luck!!!

lalap69

Instead of picking a number and trying to decide which people will fill the arbitrary number of spots, why not choose the people that matter most to you, regardless of how many people that will be?  You'll be happier in the longrun and it has the added bonus of treating people like people.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-wedding-party-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:81bd990c-6f4b-4889-81a1-4c064a73d134Post:5e148ff8-a718-493f-9149-bb4d092edde2">please help! wedding party dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I am planning to have a small bridal party (around 2 or 3 people on each side). I am deciding on my bridesmaids. I have already chosen and informed my maid of honor of her role, and my 2nd bridesmaid is a sure choice and she knows about my decision but she has to wait another month to see if she will be deployed or not (she is in the military). However, the 3rd bridesmaid I am unsure of. We were friends in high school, and now she lives out of town and we hang out when we can. Back in the day we always talked about being bridesmaids at each other's wedding.  Lately I feel like I have had to initiate all contact with her, and while she is excited about my wedding, I am questioning the reality of our friendship. To make matters worse my fiance is not too fond of her. However, I can't stand the thought of hurting her by not asking her to be in my bridal party. <u><strong>I am afraid she will badmouth me for years to come if I don't include her.</strong></u> If I give her another job to do I am afraid she will still feel slighted. Fellow brides, please help. The wedding is still 8 months away. With the way things are going will our friendship likely dissolve by then anyway? Even though we don't talk often will she still be devasted that she not be in my bridal party? Please help!!
Posted by cherrymariachi[/QUOTE]

The bolded part is exactly the reason that I don't think you should feel obligated to ask her.  I'm stumped about why you'd consider her a "friend" and why you want her in your WP.

garcias1

It sounds like you know what you WANT to do.  If she throws a hissy fit, then she will only cement your decision for you.  Go with the two that you have.  If your one friend is deployed, that will be a major bummer, but she will be there in spirit.

cherrymariachi

Thanks everyone, I am thinking I will wait it out for another month since emotions and stress are running high at the moment. The thing is we still keep in contact and see each other occasionally. We still discuss our lives with one another; so it makes all of this so difficult. This may sound silly, but how would I know if she is even expecting to be in my wedding party? I'm pretty sure she is, but I may be worrying over nothing. Perhaps she is feeling just as disconnected as I am.

Wow, I am talking in circles and driving myself absolutely nuts over this bridesmaid business. I'm sure I sound crazy to all of you guys, but thanks for keeping me sane!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-wedding-party-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:81bd990c-6f4b-4889-81a1-4c064a73d134Post:ca3a5f88-8d36-467a-8a7f-4a5a1f417613">Re: please help! wedding party dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone, I am thinking I will wait it out for another month since emotions and stress are running high at the moment. This may sound silly, but how would I know if she is even expecting to be in my wedding party? I may be worrying over nothing. Perhaps she is feeling just as disconnected as I am. Wow, I am talking in circles and driving myself absolutely nuts over this bridesmaid business.
Posted by cherrymariachi[/QUOTE]
You wouldn't necessarily know, and ideally you wouldn't.  Unless she says, "I'm your BM, right?" you wouldn't.  There are a lot of "what ifs" in life, and this is one that wouldn't make sense to entertain.<div>
</div><div>If you're driving yourself crazy, mix up a margarita or have a glass of wine and take a bubble bath.  Wedding planning needn't be stressful, so when it is that's a sign that it's time to take a step back.</div>

cherrymariachi

Lol, thanks. I'm just gonna try and relax for right now. Darn my OCD. Bubble bath here I come!