VENT! Bridal Party Family Drama!

ymbd38

Ok, a little backstory when my fiance proposed, we picked a date in September 2013, everyone was excited and seemed happy, but due to stress and other factors we moved it up to September 2012. Now it seems as though all of his family, groomsmen and some of my bridesmaids are not as excited as they were.
One of my bridesmaids who has been with her fiance the same amount of time as my future husband and I originally did not have a date picked out, they were waiting until she got her degree a little over 2 years away. When I got engaged she picked a date August 2013. Then when I told her our date changed she said "September 2013 is too far away, we're changing our date to September 2012!" Um, ok? I chalked it up to coincidence. After things started settling down I checked everyones schedule and planned a meeting with my bridesmaids about the dresses/bridal shower/bachelorette party and she missed it. So I called her and tried to fill her in on everything and she started being very snobby, telling me all the ideas everyone had were terrible and that's not what SHE wanted! I loved everything I finally picks a dress in the price range and everyone loved it..she didn't say a word. She has not offered to help, and just seems very distant.. I have no idea what to do! I'm not asking for every minute of her time.. just a quick conversation every now and then. I don't know what to do!

mbody

Just let the entire date thing go, you get a day and she gets a day.

People were initally excited for you. They aren't going to keep a super high level of excitement for an entire year or two. Don't worry about this.

I don't really understand what you need a BM meeting for. You really shouldn't be talking to them about any pre-wedding parties. If they approach you about it, that's a different story.

Just pick a dress (within their budgets) and let them know the final date to order. Just tell them once- don't hound them about it.

Does it suck that she hasn't offered to help? Maybe. But she's not required to. Ask your FI for help if you need it. She is busy planning her wedding too.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-bridal-party-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:92717a7b-3d41-480e-b1f3-f28541e4f2aaPost:f6f1a481-59a9-4ae2-8898-4b110258daf8">VENT! Bridal Party Family Drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, a little backstory when my fiance proposed, we picked a date in September 2013, everyone was excited and seemed happy, but due to stress and other factors we moved it up to September 2012. Now it seems as though all of his family, groomsmen and some of my bridesmaids are not as excited as they were. One of my bridesmaids who has been with her fiance the same amount of time as my future husband and I originally did not have a date picked out, they were waiting until she got her degree a little over 2 years away. When I got engaged she picked a date August 2013. Then when I told her our date changed she said "September 2013 is too far away, we're changing our date to September 2012!" Um, ok? I chalked it up to coincidence. After things started settling down I checked everyones schedule and planned a meeting with my bridesmaids about the dresses/bridal shower/bachelorette party and she missed it. So I called her and tried to fill her in on everything and she started being very snobby, telling me all the ideas everyone had were terrible and that's not what SHE wanted! I loved everything I finally picks a dress in the price range and everyone loved it..she didn't say a word. <strong>She has not offered to help</strong>, and just seems very distant.. I have no idea what to do! I'm not asking for every minute of her time.. just a quick conversation every now and then. I don't know what to do!
Posted by ymbd38[/QUOTE]

Why should she?  This is your wedding, not hers.  While it is nice if someone <em>offers</em> to help, they are not required too.

Are you talking about wedding stuff only?  Maybe she is burnt out on hearing it all of the time.  Call her and ask her to lunch, go shopping, etc., anything that is not wedding related.

kaitlyn&henry

Why dont you try reachng out and talking non wedding? Maybe shes going through some stressful stuff?

mbcdefg

She can plan her wedding for whenever she wants. If you truly think that she's doing it just to get attention, then the most effective thing you can do is ignore her.

You're planning meetings for your bridal party? Seriously? That's a fantastic way to get them to quickly lose interest in your wedding and want to distance themselves from you. Even when you have the best of intentions, it makes a bride look pretentious and self-important if she schedules meetings regarding her wedding. Use e-mail to communicate with them from now on, and even then, keep them few and far-between so you don't burn them out.

You can discuss their dresses with them, by all means. Talk to each one individually to get her budget, and then pick something in their price range. You can absolutely have the final say on what they wear, but they get some input too ... remember, THEY have to buy the dress and wear the dress. If someone is voicing a complaint over the style or color, do her the courtesy of hearing her out. You can come to a compromise. And remember that they all don't need to wear the same thing - you can let them pick their own styles from the same color/designer/skirt length, that way they get some individuality but it still looks uniform. You don't have to bow down to whatever she wants, and it's fine to eventually put your foot down and make an executive decision if she's arguing against every single compromise you offer her, but she absolutely does not have to go along with whatever you pick out and keep her mouth shut. She is entitled to have some input on the dress.

Try compromising by offering her a slightly different style in the same color that you want, and see if she'll come around. Or pick out 3-4 dresses you really like (keep them the same designer, color and length) and offer everyone a choice between them ... that way you've pre-approved the styles but they feel like they've gotten their choices.

You should not be planning your shower or bachelorette with them. No exceptions. It is not your place to get involved. These are OPTIONAL parties that MIGHT be thrown as gifts to you. You are not entitled to receive them, and they are not obligated to throw them for you. Your job is to keep quiet about them ... don't ask for any parties, don't assign any duties for parties, and definitely don't complain if you don't receive any parties. The limit to your participation should be giving them a guest list and a list of suitable dates (if they ask) and showing up with a smile on your face, even if the party isn't exactly what you wanted.

There is no non-bratty way to plan/help plan a party for yourself. None. So seriously, stay far, FAR away from the planning. And certainly don't schedule MEETINGS around it.

She is not obligated to help plan your wedding. If she wants to help, she will volunteer. If not, then she won't, and it doesn't mean that she's not "fulfilling her duty." If she helps, thank her, and if not then keep your mouth shut. If she shows up to the wedding wearing the correct dress, then she's done her job as your bridesmaid.

And seeing as how you keep complaining about her, I don't really see why you'd want her around you a lot in the first place, no?

She might not be enthused, which sucks, but you also need to chill out. A lot.

And if most/all of the people involved in your wedding are giving you problems or don't seem to care about you, then step back and think about what the common denominator is in that equation.

TiffannieF

Yup PP have said it all: chill, she's probably busy herself, people won't keep their enthusiasm, date shouldn't matter, BM don't have to help with pre wedding stuff, etc etc.

Try to focus on you and your FI, plan friend dates with out bringing up wedding details, and remember your wedding is your wedding; no one else is responsible for it (unless they volunteer for it).

ajmom2two

While I do think the whole changing her wedding date thing is a bit odd I would let it go.  Give her the info about the dress and then dont worry about it any more.  If she doesnt like what you are doing oh well.  She can do it differently at her wedding.  If she chooses not to be part of choosing the BM dresses then she cant really complain about it.  If she doesnt buy her dress then she is not in the wedding.  Just focus on planning your wedding and let you BM's/friends/family handle your BP and Shower.