should I drop out of my friends wedding?

cbergener88

I am not quite sure what to do. My friend and I are both getting married next summer. My wedding is about a month before hers. We've been friends since high school and since I got engaged our friendship has been rocky. She was upset with me about having my wedding so close to hers which caused a fight between us especially when she asked me to change my date. She has been really mean and bridezilla like to me and a lot of other people since she started planning her wedding. My FI and I are in her wedding party and right now just her FI is in ours. I have not put her in my wedding party because I feel that she will stress me out more than I need to be and she hasn't really been supportive or much of a friend since I got engaged. 

We haven't talk or really seen much of each other in over a month despite my attempts at trying to get all of us to hang out. We met up the other day to talk and she is giving me a week to decide whether I want to stay in her wedding party. Her and her FI feel that the way to save the friendships would be either for all of us to be in each others weddings or to just have 2 meaning one in ours and one in theirs. I am not sure what I want to do here. I want to be supportive and be their for her on her big day but at the same time with the way our friendship has been I am not sure I could do that. I feel that if I do drop out she would be hurt or offended by that. I am also worried that it will affect both our FI's friendship because they have been friends for a while. So any advice would be helpful.  

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-drop-out-of-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:94041619-9c96-4ded-b129-5c8c9456efcePost:9bd65af1-936b-4bdb-9192-5bb12c62ec44">should I drop out of my friends wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE] My FI and I are in her wedding party and right now just her FI is in ours. ... Her and her FI feel that the way to save the friendships would be either for all of us to be in each others weddings or to just have 2 meaning one in ours and one in theirs. Posted by cbergener88[/QUOTE]

In other words, your FI likes him enough to put him in his party, but you don't feel the same way about her. That's fine. And if you are no longer comfortable being in her party, than that's ok too. It sounds like letting the guys each be eachother's GM and you and your friend be guests is a good idea. She even seems to agree to that as she's giving you an out here. Take it. Tell her you would like to celebrate her wedding as a guest, but you appreciate having been asked to be a BM. Tell her that just because you aren't in eachother's wedding doesn't mean you aren't excited for her and feel honored to share the day. Hopefully, she'll feel the same way. It also should not affect your men's relationship.

OBX2011

What brought all of this on in the 1st place?  There had to be something that happened in order for both of you to sit down and talk about this in the first place.

I am somewhat confused here b/c it seems like both of you are in agreement that the only way to save this friendship is to either be in each other's weddings or have 1 in each wedding? 

I think there is something missing from this story b/c it seems like b/c you haven't been able to get up in the past month (ummmm, it's the holidays & people are busy) that this means all bets are off. 

RaptorSLH

You say she's already been a bridezilla.  If you stay in, what do you figure the odds are she uses that as leverage to exceed what you're comfortable with?

"I gave you a chance to back out, and you didn't take it.  Now you have to (buy these expensive accessories and dress) (stay in this expensive hotel) (come to my all-weekend Vegas bachelorette) (come to every venue/vendor meeting/dress fitting) (create these DIY projects) (do _____ way out of your comfort zone.)"

I'm getting red flags here - this is a bridezilla ultimatum.  "Put me in your wedding party, or drop out of mine.  Otherwise we're not friends anymore?"  Yikes.  If someone gave me "a week to decide whether I want to stay in her wedding party,"  depending on the relationship, I would either have a serious reality-check conversation, or hit the ground running and not look back.

Since neither FI sounds like they're involved, hopefully they have the sense to stay that way.  My FI agrees - he and his friend would still hang out, they just wouldn't bring the feuding girls along.

graysquirrel

How can giving you an ultimatum like that save a friendship? That sounds really really bogus to me. She is basically saying that unless you put her in your WP, she doesn't want to be your friend and would then like to kick you out of hers. That is not what friends do. It sounds like a child stamping her foot because she has to share attention with you amongst your friends and is thinking of anything and everything to get her way now.

If it were me I would sit down with her and have a talk just the 2 of you. I would explain that you are sorry that things have turned out this way especially surrounding your weddings. Tell her that you care about her and want to continue your friendship because it means something to you, but that you do not feel that the "deal" is the right way to handle or fix things and that problems can't be fixed just because people are WP members or not. If she cannot accept this and your right to select your own WP, if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, then she isn't a friend. Then you can decide whether or not you want to continue to be in her WP.

cbergener88

What brought this whole situation on was that when my FI and I first got engaged she was not happy or supportive at all. She even asked us to change our date. The date we picked for our wedding is our anniversary so it is something that is important and has meaning for us. 

I feel like for her to have me make the decision is her way of trying to make it seem like she isn't the bad guy here. I feel that it is her wedding and that if she wants to kick me out then just do it. I feel like she is putting a lot of pressure on me to decide whether or not I want to be in her wedding party and giving me such a short amount of time to think about it. I already have the dress because she had us order them immediately and she said that if i did drop out of the wedding that she would pay me back for the dress. One thing that I am worried about is that if I do decide to drop out that she will be offended that I chose that and it will make things worse. I dont think our friendship will ever be back to the way it used to be, but I want to try and make it better and not worse.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I feel like for her to have me make the decision is her way of trying to make it seem like she isn't the bad guy here....she said that if i did drop out of the wedding that she would pay me back for the dress. One thing that I am worried about is that if I do decide to drop out that she will be offended that I chose that and it will make things worse.  Posted by cbergener88[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Quite possibly you're right.  It's a 'zilla thing of her to do, no matter how she spins it, but she may not see it that way.  You can reject the ultimatium - not step down, but still not put her in yours - but don't be surprised if she either kicks you out herself, or tries to apply more pressure.</div><div>
</div><div>It'd be nice if she paid you back for the dress.  Cross your fingers... but don't hold your breath.</div><div>
</div><div>The thing about trying to guess the "right" answer is that with some people, there is no right answer, or the right answer is unacceptable (letting her control your wedding, for ex.)  At that point, I start prioritizing the choice that gives the the smallest headaches.  The one thing I will caution against is relenting and making her a bridesmaid.  People who create drama to get into the wedding party have a tendancy to create even more drama once they're in.  And once in, as you're finding now, there is no graceful way to remove her.</div>

cebrady89

I totally agree with everything you're saying, OP.

Maybe just be really blunt with her and say "I don't feel comfortable making decisions about your wedding. If you want me in your wedding party, I'd be honored. If you'd rather I attend as a guest, I'd be just as happy. Let me know what you want, since this is your wedding."

Make HER make the decisions. Her ultimatum is silly, and I think you ought to turn the decisions back to her.