B list rant

frogurt814

Yesterday evening, DH received a phone call from his mom asking if we had RSVP'd for one of H's cousin's weddings.  I was like what? No, we haven't RSVP'd yet, the wedding is in October.  H's mom said the RSVP date had passed.

I was confused so I looked at the invite, and sure enough, the RSVP date was July 22 for an October 2 wedding.  I told H that as bad as it sounds, it really made it seem like they had a B list since they had such an early RSVP date.  H says "they do.  That's what my mom told me on the phone."

I honestly don't know how to RSVP.  The wedding is in Boston, and we live in IL.  I'm not sure yet if we are going to be able to attend the wedding.  Our financial situation now would allow for us to buy plane tickets to Boston, but in a couple of months, I don't really know what will be going on in our lives.

I guess my main point is that having a B list is not only rude to the B listers (implying they were not important enough to be invited during the first round) but it's also rude to the A listers to expect us to make travel plans and arrangements this far out.

Side note - groom's family is all from Illinois and bride's family is from the Philippines so there will a large percentage of people traveling for the wedding.

gottahavashorti

Yuck.  I would call them, tell them it's not possible to commite yet and ask what their drop dead date is for giving the caterer their head count, and RSVP a couple weeks before that.

CTGirl30

Wow - that's annoying. I am so NOT a fan of A & B lists for these reasons. I truly think that people should have 1 guest list and just  invite everyone they'd like to invite and just plan to have the kind of wedding that they can afford around their potential guest list.  We budgeted for every single one of our 140 invited guests. We had 100 actually come. The extra money went towards our HM and we had a surplus post-wedding and HM that went into savings. It was the best possible situation we came up for planning our wedding and we didn't run into stress about the guest list or affording it, etc.

Not sure what to do in your situation - I mean, it's kind of tough to RSVP for an event 3 months in advance if you're not sure how your financial situation will be then. Do you want to buy the tickets now to attend so you know they'll be paid for and then set aside the money for a hotel room so even if your situation does change in October, you'll have planned for this wedding? Or are you kind of on the fence about attending in general....

suz62984

That sucks. When you do a B list you aren't supposed to make it that obvious. I have a B list that consists of about 12 couples. As early RSVPs come back with No that is when I send those out. If it gets to the point where I have to send them out I will decide if I can afford to run the risk of everyone showing.

I think you should wait within the two week deadline and then RSVP. Don't put yourself out trying to figure this out now. It is crazy that they require a 2 month prior commitment. I bet you anything that a lot of people RSVP yes and then don't show.

jaimed99

While I think it's pretty crappy to have a "B List", I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and say that maybe they sent out invites and insisted on RSVPs so early because they knew about the large amount of people who would have to make travel plans? Maybe they thought that if some people couldn't make it, they could at least not be out the money they'd be paying for a plate/seat? I don't know, just trying to see the flip-side of the coin here...

frogurt814

One of the parts that bugs me the most is that they can afford all of their guests, but they picked their "dream" venue and it only holds about 100 people so that is their reasoning for the A and B list.  I think it was rude on their part not to select a venue that could accommodate all of their guests.

I guess they ordered two sets of invites with two different RSVP dates since our invites have an RSVP date of July 22.  I'm assuming the b-listers will not be getting invites now with that RSVP date, but with a later RSVP date.

I feel like if we RSVP yes now, that we should buy our plane tickets now, and I'm just not sure I want to commit to that right now.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:7a3b132a-514b-4e3a-b61e-aabe073e9137">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]While I think it's pretty crappy to have a "B List", I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and say that maybe they sent out invites and insisted on RSVPs so early because they knew about the large amount of people who would have to make travel plans? Maybe they thought that if some people couldn't make it, they could at least not be out the money they'd be paying for a plate/seat? I don't know, just trying to see the flip-side of the coin here...
Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking as well.  The early invites give people time to save money if they want to, and it gives them the opportunity to invite more if a lot of the OOT guests say they can't come.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:e13f6ba7-455e-4d6d-9988-63186bb39864">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : That's what I was thinking as well.  The early invites give people time to save money if they want to, and it gives them the opportunity to invite more if a lot of the OOT guests say they can't come.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
Right, I can see why they would send out invites early, but the RSVP date of July 22 for an October wedding is my issue.

They sent save the dates out last December.

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:3e16a7ec-7940-496c-ab7b-9f1068460903">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]One of the parts that bugs me the most is that they can afford all of their guests, but they picked their "dream" venue and it only holds about 100 people so that is their reasoning for the A and B list.  I think it was rude on their part not to select a venue that could accommodate all of their guests. I guess they ordered two sets of invites with two different RSVP dates since our invites have an RSVP date of July 22.  I'm assuming the b-listers will not be getting invites now with that RSVP date, but with a later RSVP date. I feel like if we RSVP yes now, that we should buy our plane tickets now, and I'm just not sure I want to commit to that right now.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand this side as well. I can see where your logic is, and as I said before, I think it's crappy to put someone in a second-string list. However, were I being invited to an OOT wedding, I'd want to make arrangements a while in advance so that I was sure to have money for a hotel and food and everything else.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm do understand your feelings, though...I'd probably feel pretty awkward in that situation as well :)</div>

aerinpegadrak

I don't get that logic at all.  We did a destination wedding where everyone had to travel, so we sent out STDs to alert them to start saving and make travel plans.  The RSVP date was three weeks prior to the wedding.  We had people who couldn't commit until DAYS prior, asking them to commit to it months in advance is just ridiculous.

Usually etiquette faux pas don't happen in a vacuum.  We were kind of dreading SBIL's wedding just because we knew it was going to be a cash bar, and sure enough, the whole thing was a hot mess.  Unless he's really close to this cousin, I'd just decline and save yourself the money and the headache.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:b47f27ff-4f0c-49e8-a267-85665dcfcb5a">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get that logic at all.  We did a destination wedding where everyone had to travel, so we sent out STDs to alert them to start saving and make travel plans.  The RSVP date was three weeks prior to the wedding.  We had people who couldn't commit until DAYS prior, asking them to commit to it months in advance is just ridiculous. Usually etiquette faux pas don't happen in a vacuum.  We were kind of dreading SBIL's wedding just because we knew it was going to be a cash bar, and sure enough, the whole thing was a hot mess.  Unless he's really close to this cousin, I'd just decline and save yourself the money and the headache.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
Thanks aerin.  I think this is perfect advice and is most likely what we will do. :)

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:7ab23eb6-63c6-4093-a93c-c9d31101f3ed">B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Yesterday evening, DH received a phone call from his mom asking if we had RSVP'd for one of H's cousin's weddings.  I was like what? No, we haven't RSVP'd yet, the wedding is in October.  H's mom said the RSVP date had passed. I was confused so I looked at the invite, and sure enough, the RSVP date was July 22 for an October 2 wedding.  I told H that as bad as it sounds, it really made it seem like they had a B list since they had such an early RSVP date.  H says "they do.  That's what my mom told me on the phone." I honestly don't know how to RSVP.  The wedding is in Boston, and we live in IL.  I'm not sure yet if we are going to be able to attend the wedding.  Our financial situation now would allow for us to buy plane tickets to Boston, but in a couple of months, I don't really know what will be going on in our lives. I guess my main point is that having a B list is not only rude to the B listers (implying they were not important enough to be invited during the first round) but it's also rude to the A listers to expect us to make travel plans and arrangements this far out. Side note - groom's family is all from Illinois and bride's family is from the Philippines so there will a large percentage of people traveling for the wedding.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

I don't see how you failing to read the invite equals B-lists are bad.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:3e16a7ec-7940-496c-ab7b-9f1068460903">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]One of the parts that bugs me the most is that they can afford all of their guests, but they picked their "dream" venue and it only holds about 100 people so that is their reasoning for the A and B list.  I think it was rude on their part not to select a venue that could accommodate all of their guests. I guess they ordered two sets of invites with two different RSVP dates since our invites have an RSVP date of July 22.  I'm assuming the b-listers will not be getting invites now with that RSVP date, but with a later RSVP date. I feel like if we RSVP yes now, that we should buy our plane tickets now, and I'm just not sure I want to commit to that right now.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]


Yes, how DARE they get married in the place they want. In fact, how dare they get married somewhere that people have to travel to!

You already missed the RSVP date, so no need to worry about plane tickets or going to a wedding for people you clearly don't like.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:2ad32e1f-9967-4fbb-b156-e4365c093c9b">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to B list rant : I don't see how you failing to read the invite equals B-lists are bad.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
I don't see how she could have been expected to assume that the RSVP date was coming up so soon for an October wedding.  People skim invitations, it's a fact of life.  A B list is still very bad form for a large number of reasons.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:a8e3ad71-0873-4f3e-9368-addf4d539b33">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : I don't see how she could have been expected to assume that the RSVP date was coming up so soon for an October wedding.  People skim invitations, it's a fact of life.  A B list is still very bad form for a large number of reasons.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
She didn't need to expect anything, the date was on the RSVP.  She has noone to blame but herself, regardless of what "people" do.

emilykathleen511

It is rude to expect people to respond that far in advance. period.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:215697bb-f017-42da-9e5c-ea7b10abff5e">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]It is rude to expect people to respond that far in advance. period.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]
It's like, 9 weeks. Thats not that outrageous, you would want to have your tickets purchased by then anyway to make sure you're not paying an arm and a leg.

gottahavashorti

Tickets are usually cheap a little over two weeks out.  I have no idea what I'm doing in 9 weeks and if/where I will be working.  I'm probably going to have to ask for an RSVP extension for a wedding in 2 1/2 months because the RSVP is due in a month.

Plus, not everyone knows if they will be able to get off from work so far in advance.

CTGirl30

My RSVP date was 3 weeks before the wedding date.  9 weeks out is a bit much. In fact, I think I sent my invites out at 8-9 weeks. Which seems to be standard etiquette if I am recalling correctly...

STDs were apparently sent out very early for this wedding in question as well so people would have had plenty of time to plan based on those (i.e. buy their tickets) but for those who need to wait until a little closer - work situations, or what have you - demanding people give a response over 2 months before the event is a very dead giveaway of a B-list. (And for the record, I am one of those people who loathes B list. Invite the number of people you hope to have and then pick your venue according to that number. Don't go praying for Nos or set up a B-list that causes aggravation to your guests or worse, insult.)

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:f4c80c9d-c32c-43ed-9106-8b510c5428ef">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : Yes, how DARE they get married in the place they want. In fact, how dare they get married somewhere that people have to travel to! You already missed the RSVP date, so no need to worry about plane tickets or going to a wedding for people you clearly don't like.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
Personally, having the people I care about most at my wedding means more to me than the venue.  This obviously is not their prerogative, and that's their choice. 

I wasn't "blaming" anyone for anything.  Just simply stating that the fact that their RSVPs were due back so early led me to believe there was a B list (which there is), and I find that rude.

EDIT:  We do, in fact, like the couple.  Nothing in any of my statements should have led you to believe that we do not like them.  I'm sorry that's the assumption that you came to.

Lisa8888

A RSVP date of July 22 for an October wedding does sound early however it is what it is. They have every right to pick their RSVP date. You should know now if you will be able to afford to attend. Your financial situation is not going to change signficantly between July and October.

aerinpegadrak

Invitations should only go out at 6-8 weeks.  At 9 weeks, the guests shouldn't even have the invitation yet, let alone be expected to have already replied.  I probably wouldn't have even looked through the inserts yet if I'd already gotten an invitation for a wedding in October.

Hopefully your guests will commit every word of your invitation suite to heart immediately upon receipt, belle, since clearly that's what you expect. 

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:99db1ac6-4102-4664-b66e-0a80ea468b90">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Invitations should only go out at 6-8 weeks.  At 9 weeks, the guests shouldn't even have the invitation yet, let alone be expected to have already replied.</strong>  I probably wouldn't have even looked through the inserts yet if I'd already gotten an invitation for a wedding in October. Hopefully your guests will commit every word of your invitation suite to heart immediately upon receipt, belle, since clearly that's what you expect. 
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

THIS

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:99db1ac6-4102-4664-b66e-0a80ea468b90">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Invitations should only go out at 6-8 weeks.  At 9 weeks, the guests shouldn't even have the invitation yet, let alone be expected to have already replied.  I probably wouldn't have even looked through the inserts yet if I'd already gotten an invitation for a wedding in October. Hopefully your guests will commit every word of your invitation suite to heart immediately upon receipt, belle, since clearly that's what you expect. 
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
It is a destination wedding for many, so normal timing ettiquete does not apply. STD's will go out nearly a year ahead of time, Invites at about 5- 6 months, and a "build excitement" reminder at about 2 months is what we were told by the wedding coordinator. I haven't looked when the RSVPs are due back.

My point is, they are your family, and you say you like them. If thats so, then it shouldn't matter why they chose to have a b-list or expect the RSVP's so early.

As for the nice little smart ass comment at the end there, due to the nature of us "selfishly" choosing a destination wedding,I do expect everyone on our guestlist to RSVP when we ask for it, or expect to be replaced/not go. Its not too much to ask.

tanyaanddrew

Wow, I'm wondering if we're going to the same wedding!  Save the Date sent in December for October 2nd wedding (fine, gives out of town guest chance to plan).  Wedding invite received on June 24th, with an RSVP by July 15th!  Again for October 2nd wedding. 

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:5193a0b6-8923-4999-bb71-ccb14aff3d7c">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Tickets are usually cheap a little over two weeks out.  I have no idea what I'm doing in 9 weeks and if/where I will be working.  I'm probably going to have to ask for an RSVP extension for a wedding in 2 1/2 months because the RSVP is due in a month. Plus, not everyone knows if they will be able to get off from work so far in advance.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
It completely depends on when you are flying and where you are flying. For example, If you are having a wedding in November, you better be sure to buy your tickets at least 5 months out.

PeonyPrincesskdd

I agree.  Anything earlier than 8 weeks is too early.  How can anyone make a decision this early in the stage?  I agree it's dumb to have a B list an A list.  Esp when the A listers asked a B lister, Hey did you get your invite?? and they say No

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:9d9f18b3-e27b-42b3-93c8-f223258c3466">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : <strong> It is a destination wedding for many, so normal timing ettiquete does not apply. STD's will go out nearly a year ahead of time, Invites at about 5- 6 months, and a "build excitement" reminder at about 2 months is what we were told by the wedding coordinator. </strong>I haven't looked when the RSVPs are due back. My point is, they are your family, and you say you like them. If thats so, then it shouldn't matter why they chose to have a b-list or expect the RSVP's so early. As for the nice little smart ass comment at the end there, due to the nature of us "selfishly" choosing a destination wedding,I do expect everyone on our guestlist to RSVP when we ask for it, or expect to be replaced/not go. Its not too much to ask.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
Your wedding coordinator is on crack.  I did a destination wedding.  STDs at 9 months, invites at 8 weeks.  The invite timeline DOES NOT CHANGE, regardless of when or where the wedding is held.  That's why STDs were invented, to give people time to make travel and accommodation plans.  I really hope you didn't send out your invitations crazy early like that, or your guests probably think you're nuts.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:ab431387-afed-4b2f-921c-7a65aad4b488">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : It completely depends on when you are flying and where you are flying. For example, If you are having a wedding in November, you better be sure to buy your tickets at least 5 months out.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what Save the Dates are for. Seriously, that is why STD's where invented. They were started for those having a destination wedding or a wedding over a holiday weekend so guests have time to make arrangements ahead of time if they so choose. Invitation etiquette has not changed for any kind of wedding.</div>

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:4fa185e6-765e-4d5b-b771-5586a964256b">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : This is what Save the Dates are for. Seriously, that is why STD's where invented. They were started for those having a destination wedding or a wedding over a holiday weekend so guests have time to make arrangements ahead of time if they so choose. Invitation etiquette has not changed for any kind of wedding.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]
Save the dates don't have hotel or flight discount information as far as I knew?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_b-list-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:975b8a3b-0942-4511-b821-3c8de67434d3Post:d58c296a-8fcb-4a5c-8400-2bfd7b5440e3">Re: B list rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B list rant : Save the dates don't have hotel or flight discount information as far as I knew?
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
They can.  Our STDs included our wedding website URL, which had all that information.  I've also seen STDs that included travel and accommodation cards.