How to un-invite a bridesmaid

brie.winn

So I have a friend, that is still a friend, but we will go months without talking, and to be honest, I can't depend on her to carry out the rolls of being a bridesmaid.  But - one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked her.  The wedding isn't for another 9 months, and I want to take back my invitation, and ask someone else.  What other jobs can I give her that won't require a lot of work, so that I don't totally hurt her feelings?

laurenclaire1386

Being a BM doesn't come with job requirements. As long as she's capable of getting whatever outfit you pick and showing up to the ceremony, her job is done. WTF else is she supposed to do? Also, if you want to ask another person to be a BM, then ask her. But don't replace someone unless you want to end the friendship. And even then, if you choose to replace her, it'll make whoever you ask to take her place look like chopped liver.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:33720045-1ad4-4bf3-b067-6bd545c3bac1">How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a friend, that is still a friend, but we will go months without talking, and to be honest, I can't depend on her to carry out the rolls of being a bridesmaid.  But - one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked her.  The wedding isn't for another 9 months, and I want to take back my invitation, and ask someone else.  What other jobs can I give her that won't require a lot of work, so that I don't totally hurt her feelings?
Posted by brie.winn@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

Oh for heaven's sake.  You don't have to depend on her to carry out the rolls, bread, pastry, or croissants.  (It's roles, not rolls)

Your BMs are NOT wedding planners, coordinators, dress shoppers, tasters, favor makers, envelope stuffers, flower arrangers, decorators, program printers, or any of the other things that you will be told is their role.

Here's what their role is:  wear the dress;  walk down the aisle;  stand respectfully during the ceremony; smile for the pictures. 

They do NOT have to throw you showers or b-parties.  If they CHOOSE to, fine, but it's not required.  If they choose to help with anything else, fine.  But it is not required.

If you do "un-invite" (which is a nicer way of saying kick her to the curb) your BM, you have very publicly dissed her, and you can pretty much assume that 1)  the friendship will be over and 2)  many will see you as a 'zilla.

You asked.  She's your BM.  Lower your expectations.  You'll be much, much happier.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:33720045-1ad4-4bf3-b067-6bd545c3bac1">How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a friend, that is still a friend, but we will go months without talking, and to be honest, I can't depend on her to carry out the rolls of being a bridesmaid.  But - one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked her.  The wedding isn't for another 9 months, and I want to take back my invitation, and ask someone else.  What other jobs can I give her that won't require a lot of work, so that I don't totally hurt her feelings?
Posted by brie.winn@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

You're going to hurt her feelings if you "unask" her. Firing a BM almost always means ending a friendship. Think about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a friend who was getting married and she asked you to be in the wedding - you'd be honored and happy, right? Then imagine she rethinks that and tells you a few weeks later that she has changed her mind but would you like to hand out programs instead? Yeah.

PS - ditto the other ladies...there are no roles for BMs other than obtaining and wearing the determined attire, standing by you during the ceremony, and participating in the photos. Throwing showers or parties are not a mandatory "duty" (no matter what the money-grubbing wedding industry may tell you) - they are gifts that some BMs giev their friends who are getting married. They do not need to address invites with you or assemble favors - it's lovely if they help, and many friends do want to help the bride, but it's better to be humble and expect less than to demand more and expect your friends to be slaves to your wedding roles. Friends first, BMs second. Try to remember that mantra when tackling potentially sticky issues like the one you posted about.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:33720045-1ad4-4bf3-b067-6bd545c3bac1">How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a friend, that is still a friend, but we will go months without talking, and to be honest, I can't depend on her to carry out the rolls of being a bridesmaid.  But - one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked her.  The wedding isn't for another 9 months, and I want to take back my invitation, and ask someone else.  What other jobs can I give her that won't require a lot of work, so that I don't totally hurt her feelings?
Posted by brie.winn@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

If you want to remain friends with her, there is no way that you can kick her out or re-assign her another role. You will absolutely hurt her feelings, and you will come across as a giant bridezilla to everyone else in the process. And you don't need to talk to someone all the time to be their friend ... I haven't talked to one of my BMs in weeks but she's still my dearest friend (and she lives less than a mile away).

There aren't any roles ("rolls" are pieces of bread, "roles" are responsibilities) that bridesmaids have other than to get the dress and be in the wedding. Anything other than that is a bonus. If you are expecting anything other than that, then you may be let down if they do not fulfill those wishes, so I would suggest lowering your expectations (that way, if they DO fulfill your wishes, it will be a pleasant surprise). And if you are <em>requiring</em> anything other than that, then you owe each BM an immediate apology for being a bridezilla.

If she does not get her dress, then she's not in the wedding and she's removed herself without you having to do a thing. If she gets the dress and makes it to the ceremony, then she's fulfilled her role as your bridesmaid.

It's not her fault if you got drunk and made a mistake. Take it as a lesson learned for the future ... watch what you say, fulfill your promises to people, and learn to handle your liquor better.  

If you want someone else, ask her, but NOT as a replacement for this girl. You don't need an even bridal party, and it would be horribly rude to only ask someone because you kicked someone else out (never mind the rudeness of kicking someone out in the first place).

You also cannot assign people "jobs" for your wedding. Things like doing a reading, singing/performing, participating in religious rituals, being the officiant, being an usher, giving a toast and signing the license are honors. Things like personal attendants, guestbook attendants, setup/cleanup, etc., are lame jobs that aren't an honor at all ... they're WORK. And asking someone from the get-go to be a reader or another honorable thing is fine, but bumping them down from bridesmaid to another role is scummy.

There is no honorable way to boot this girl from your wedding. If you want to do it in a DIShonorable way, then by all means say to her, "Hey, I drank too much and shot my mouth off, but now I want you out of the wedding because I don't think you'll be doing enough for me during the engagement. And I want to ask someone to take your place because I think she'll do more things for me. So you're out of the wedding." Don't expect to be friends with her anymore, and also be prepared for mutual friends to think the worst of you for such a horrible act.

bablingbrooke

No.  Your BMs don't have "duties" or "roles" other than to be up there and support you on your "speshul day."  If you want to keep this girl as a friend, chalk this one up to life's lessons and keep her.

How do you even think this conversation will go?  "Friend, I know I asked you to be a BM and all, but frankly I'd had a couple glasses of wine and wasn't thinking about the terrible burden you'd have to bear.  Frankly I just don't think you're up to the challenge.  So thanks but no thanks.  But we're still friends, right?"  Please!

FWIW, my BMs and I regularly go months without talking--I live 3,000 mi from them and three of the four of us are in full-time grad programs.  It's hard to keep in touch as much as we used to in college.  That doesn't mean our friendship means any less, and if tragedy occurred at 3 am you bet that those are the first three people I'd call.

emilyinchile

I'm going to summarize your post - tell me how it sounds when you read it, and that's how you'll look to other people if you go through with this.

"I got drunk and asked someone I don't really like to be a BMs. Well, I like her, but I don't think she'll do sh*t for me. I have 9 months to go and want to make sure I have BMs who'll actually work, like this other girl I know. So how can I trick my friend into a position where she'll still have to do things for me, just less than the BMs, without her getting angry at me?"

You can't. You are wrong in your belief of what it is that BMs do - they just buy a dress, walk down the aisle, and take some pictures. They don't run errands, help plan or show anymore excitement and support than any other friend. Once you've asked someone, you can't unask. You should only have asked your closest friends to begin with, so if you've got another really good friend just ask her - uneven doesn't matter.

bablingbrooke

Also, please change your screenname.  It has your email and now any weirdo who happens upon this site can just contact you, and that's just not safe.

emilyinchile

Yup, I just came back to say that you should delete this account and make a new one without your contact info or full name (think that's the only way to change your SN). People don't have to be TK members to access these boards, and there are a lot of creepers out there.

laurenclaire1386

OP, this is an honest to God question. I'm not trying to be mean. Really, what do you expect this BM to have to do? I always wonder that when people ask how to kick out a BM who's not "up for the job."

SarahPLiz

So you bestowed an honor on her by making her a BM and now you want to DISHONOR her for something YOU did, not something she did. Do you really want to dishonor your friend over YOUR mistake. Maybe you shouldn't have asked her, but don't make her feel inferior to make yourself feel better.

aerinpegadrak

Dammit, Trix, you beat me to the punchline.  This is what I get for doing something silly like sleeping.

OP, you can't uninvite or unask her.  What you'd be doing is kicking her out.  She'd be absolutely justified in never speaking to you again, and anyone who catches wind of the situation will automatically take the BM's side, because the bride never, ever, EVER comes out of these situations looking like anything but a total jerk.

MairePoppy

Thanks Emily for summing it up with your spot on translation. It should be the sticky note at the top of the wedding party board.

CTGirl30

It amazes me how many girls do not read the "New Here? Read this First" post by the well-spoken Banana. She covers this nicely...although I guess alot of people also feel like it applies to everyone else's situation but theirs.

duckie1905

When OP said "carry out the rolls" the first thing I thought of was "get her some spanx."

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:c0feb0be-dda3-4c97-8aec-aebc2804f1a2">Re: How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]When OP said "carry out the rolls" the first thing I thought of was "get her some spanx."
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

<div>BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!</div>

2010weddinggal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:33720045-1ad4-4bf3-b067-6bd545c3bac1">How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a friend, that is still a friend, but we will go months without talking, and to be honest, I can't depend on her to carry out the rolls of being a bridesmaid.  But - one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked her.  The wedding isn't for another 9 months, and I want to take back my invitation, and ask someone else.  What other jobs can I give her that won't require a lot of work, so that I don't totally hurt her feelings?
Posted by brie.winn@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

Your bridesmaid not paying attention to you is no reason for you to fire her, try having your MOH dis you. Mine accepted the postion and then stopped talking to me after I started planning the whole thing. I'm really upset with her because atleast she can tell me to get lost she can't even tell me that.

krmabojo

Bridemaids are not REQUIRED to do anything but buy the dress adn show up at the wedding. They can help if they WANT.

You are going to hurt her feelings if you uninvite her. Not a very good idea.

As I learned, you always wait 6-9 months before the wedding to ask the WP.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_un-invite-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9e89d522-836c-4777-87c1-9e7b0970fd29Post:660876d8-47fb-4324-a018-6bc73fbd9df3">Re: How to un-invite a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to un-invite a bridesmaid : Your bridesmaid not paying attention to you is no reason for you to fire her, try having your MOH dis you. Mine accepted the postion and then stopped talking to me after I started planning the whole thing. I'm really upset with her because atleast she can tell me to get lost she can't even tell me that.
Posted by 2010weddinggal[/QUOTE]

If she told you to "get lost" then I'm guessing you did something wrong.