Inviting the ex

mrs.wood72

My boyfriend wants to invite his ex's kids to our wedding. 1) Its in Hawaii 2) I only met them once 3) I don't want his ex being there 4) I'm not going to have any friends as my bridal party due to money issues.
What should I do?

LoveMuffins

Is he still close to the kids? Does he consider them to be somewhat "his kids"? (as in, did he have any part in raising them?). If so, then I would probably let him invite them. I can understand not wanting her there, but... sometimes you have to bite the bullet. If he's played a large part in their lives / is a father figure, I can understand him wanting them there, esp as it will reinforce the notion that, while he loves them and wants them to be part of his life, he is no longer in a realtionship with their mother, and the new life that he wants them to be a part of includes you.

I'm not sure what having a bridal party has to do with the other issues; but I would say just enjoy your day, since your friends are still going to be there. BPs aren't a necessity  You can always see if some of your best friends still wnat to get ready with you, etc. before the ceremony, which is (imo) the biggest reason i would want a BP.

katyj25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_inviting-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:adbc809c-5a06-42eb-980b-45cd3eb4c55dPost:cb86d857-e4d0-40b1-8652-cf5e1de254cc">Inviting the ex</a>:
[QUOTE]My <strong>boyfriend</strong> wants to invite his ex's kids to our wedding. 1) Its in Hawaii 2) I only met them once 3) I don't want his ex being there 4) I'm not going to have any friends as my bridal party due to money issues. What should I do?
Posted by mrs.wood72[/QUOTE]

This is the first thing that stood out to me. If you are marrying him, he is not your boyfriend anymore. What is your fiance's reasoning for inviting the kids? Did he raise them? What ages are they? Also, what does not being able to afford having a bridal party have to do with your fiance wanting to invite the kids?  I am confused. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

Kate61487

I have no idea what your 4th point about your BP has to do with this situation.

What is his relationship to these kids?  Do they look to him as a father-figure?  has he had contact with them since he and the ex broke up?  Is he wanting them to be there as though they're his own children?  If that's the case - would the ex have to come? or are these kids enough a part of his family that his parents (stand-in grandparents) could travel with them?

I get not wanting his ex there; but how well YOU know these kids shouldn't affect this, clearly he thinks they're pretty important.  I'd talk to him about not wanting his ex there and see if there's a way to get around that. 

mbcdefg

1) Its in Hawaii 
Whether or not it's too big of a trip is for their parents to decide, if you guys decide to invite them.

2) I only met them once
Do you have any desire to meet them? If they're not your FI's children, then you need to talk with him about what role (if any) he/you will play in their lives once you are married.

3) I don't want his ex being there
You said he wants to invite the children. Any chance that someone else could take them? (Although that's probably a long shot - I can't imagine most parents would be cool with that.)

4) I'm not going to have any friends as my bridal party due to money issues.
What does that have to do with this? I'm assuming you mean that he wants them to be flower girls/ring bearers? If so, then I think it's fine to say that you both agreed on no bridal party and should stick with that.

What should I do?
You need to sit down and talk with him about this, when you are both calm and in a good mood. It's not so much about the kids coming to the wedding, it's the fact that your FI obviously expects these kids to be a part of his life throughout your marriage. And if they're not his biological/adopted kids, then you both need to discuss if this is even an appropriate relationship. It's fine if you both agree that he can be in the kids' lives (I don't think it's completely uncalled for that he wants to spend a little time with kids that were once part of his family), and it's fine if you both decide that he should leave that part of his life behind him from now on, but you both need to be on the same page.

You both need to talk about this before the wedding. Maybe seek out a counselor if you need a third party's opinion.

Viczaesar

What does #4 have to do with the price of tea in China?

Enami

1) Its in Hawaii
How old are these kids? Who will be supervising them there? I can definitely see not wanting any kids at a destination wedding (these usually double as the honeymoon spot, right?). I mean, FI are having a child together, and we aren't even taking him on our honeymoon!

2) I only met them once
If they are such an important aspect of his life, I wonder why this is?If you have no desire to play "mommy" to these kids, I definitely wouldn't have them there.

 3) I don't want his ex being there
So is she coming to supervise them? Again, I think it's awkward/weird for them to wedding since they don't seem to be a major piece in your life together.

4) I'm not going to have any friends as my bridal party due to money issues.
Does he expect you both to pay for these kids and his ex to attend? That's the only thing I could figure as to why this is a factor. And I would not feel comfortable at all paying for my FI ex to fly out and stay for our wedding with her kids.

Is this an ex-wife or longtime ex-girlfriend? If this were me, I would be very much against having them there, since a wedding is about starting your life together as a unit, and since these kids don't seem to be a part of your together-life now, I wouldn't feel comfortable having them in my together-life post-wedding.

Now if he officially adopted them (my cousin did this with his second-ex-wife's kids), I think that changes things. But he has joint custody with her because he legally is their father (the daughter refers to him as such, her brother is sadly deceased, which is a major factor in the divorce), so they aren't "just" his ex's kids.

DNAtime

Frankly I think the only valid concern you have is you don't want the ex at your wedding. Which, is something that would bother a lot of brides and is an appropriate thing to not want.

However, if your FI really wants the kids there, then just put your big girl panties on and deal with it.  You won't even notice her, and plus you are going to be looking fantastic and well, getting married, so that would make me feel better about it:)

The rest of your points don't make sense.

mrs.wood72

He's not the father of the kids their a little bit like nephew's, he doesnt really see them only when he see's his son does he see the other 2 boys. I forget how old they are, but their younger than 7 thats all I remember. Plus they live in FL. and he's been in Ohio for 6 months.
The 2nd part is my sister is laid off from work & can't afford a passport to Hawaii or to travel there. I don't have a problem paying for her to fly there, but if this is going to be a major issue should I make it local.?
Thanks again for the help

Manwaithiel

Yeah, that would bother that crap out of me. Sorry. "Why the hell are you inviting your ex to our wedding?" would be my reaction. Which is what he is doing by inviting her young children. That would piss me off. I don't know how the rest of you can say, "Put on your big girl panties," about something that is really just kind of strange. Especially since they're not his children.

I still don't understand the 'wedding party' aspect in your OP, mrs. wood, and where did this part about your sister come from?

Kate61487

Ok so these two kids are your FI's kid's half siblings?   that does complicate it a little; they are his kid's family, which kind of makes them his family...  I think PPs are still on track, you need to talk this through with FI and decide what role these kids are going to play in your life in the future.

I'm assuming this second part is supposed to be a totally new question.  How important is it to you that your sister be there?  If you can afford to pay for her flight then I don't know why it would become a 'major issue', but again - whether you should change the plan or not depends on how important it is to you that she's there.

FWIW, my cousin cancelled her DW and made it local b/c her sister got pregnant and was due RIGHT around the wedding, so she wouldn't have been able to fly.  Clearly it was important enough to the bride she changed her plans.  But how important it is is up to you.

mstar284

Really bad communication...strange situation. I would talk to your FI since none of us really quite understand what you mean.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_inviting-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:adbc809c-5a06-42eb-980b-45cd3eb4c55dPost:4de7a1f8-c479-48aa-80ea-24b6467143c7">Re: Inviting the ex</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so these two kids are your FI's kid's half siblings?   that does complicate it a little; they are his kid's family, which kind of makes them his family...  I think PPs are still on track, you need to talk this through with FI and decide what role these kids are going to play in your life in the future. I'm assuming this second part is supposed to be a totally new question.  How important is it to you that your sister be there?  If you can afford to pay for her flight then I don't know why it would become a 'major issue', but again - whether you should change the plan or not depends on how important it is to you that she's there. FWIW, my cousin cancelled her DW and made it local b/c her sister got pregnant and was due RIGHT around the wedding, so she wouldn't have been able to fly.  Clearly it was important enough to the bride she changed her plans.  But how important it is is up to you.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]


I think she meant that he was like an uncle to them. Not their literal uncle. But at this point, I have no idea what's going on.

misscyndikalene

Im confused. All round..about you not having your sister there for you and if the kids that you don't want coming are the step-siblings of his son that he had with his ex? Maybe its just me but I am a little mixed up here.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_inviting-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:adbc809c-5a06-42eb-980b-45cd3eb4c55dPost:28e9e3cb-bf1f-4d0d-8432-c7f57e931ae0">Re: Inviting the ex</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting the ex : I think she meant that he was like an uncle to them. Not their literal uncle. But at this point, I have no idea what's going on.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

Yeah but I think he has a kid with their mom - so "the ex" has three kids; one with her FI and then the other two.

but I'm honestly not sure, it's confusing :-/

RamonaFlowers

I'm confused. I need a pregly weed martini before I can try to figure this out.

OP, please come back and clarify as to what not having friends in your WP and your sister not having a passport have to do with inviting these kids you don't want attending. Also, please explain to me how if you move the wedding to OH, you're resolving any of the above mentioned issues, as I'm pretty sure your sister would still need a passport (Assuming she's not from the US, as HI is part of the US) and your FI would still want these kids present.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_inviting-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:adbc809c-5a06-42eb-980b-45cd3eb4c55dPost:cc0ea711-77a2-4a31-bf1f-63765c3ace18">Re: Inviting the ex</a>:
[QUOTE]He's not the father of the kids their a little bit like nephew's, he doesnt really see them only when he see's his son does he see the other 2 boys. I forget how old they are, but their younger than 7 thats all I remember. Plus they live in FL. and he's been in Ohio for 6 months. <strong>The 2nd part is my sister is laid off from work & can't afford a passport to Hawaii or to travel there.</strong> I don't have a problem paying for her to fly there, but if this is going to be a major issue should I make it local.? Thanks again for the help
Posted by mrs.wood72[/QUOTE]

Where does your sister live? Last I checked you didn't need a passport to travel from North East Ohio to Hawaii.

For the ladies asking, I think her point about not having a BP is they eliminated the BP to save money on extra people to pay for and now he's wanting to add these kids that he's seemingly not close with and she doesn't even know. At least that's what I figured that part meant.

DeeAndRell

I agree that this IS a bit confusing but here's my attempt at a solution: sit down and talk to your fiance and tell him- "Honey, as much as you may love your ex's children, I feel that if we're going to shell out extra cash for anyone to be there to share our day, we should pay for my sister's travel expenses/ accommodations instead of inviting your ex's kids. I'm glad you're a caring person and want to include them, but ultimately it's our day and having such a tangible reminder of a past relationship of yours will dampen the day for me if it means she'll be there to supervise"- or something to that effect. If you're going to put on your 'big girl panties', do it to stand up for yourself. A- they're not his kids--bottom line! B-she'd probably end up attending because, let's face it, kids under 7 aren't going to supervise themselves and C- how would he feel if the stiletto was on the other foot? He'd probably not be too cool with it. This is a special day and you and you're fiance should both be happy with who's there to share it with you. Good luck.

mstar284

I just think we don't fully understand the situation with your FI...the dynamics of this ex/FI/children relationship. Of course I would not be cool with this, but we aren't in the same situation, so it's hard to relate or give advice without a true "history" lesson.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_inviting-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:adbc809c-5a06-42eb-980b-45cd3eb4c55dPost:cc0ea711-77a2-4a31-bf1f-63765c3ace18">Re: Inviting the ex</a>:
[QUOTE]He's not the father of the kids their a little bit like nephew's, he doesnt really see them only when he see's his son does he see the other 2 boys. I forget how old they are, but their younger than 7 thats all I remember. Plus they live in FL. and he's been in Ohio for 6 months. The 2nd part is my sister is laid off from work & can't afford a passport to Hawaii or to travel there. I don't have a problem paying for her to fly there, but if this is going to be a major issue should I make it local.? Thanks again for the help
Posted by mrs.wood72[/QUOTE]
I'm reading this like the ex is his child's mom and the mom of the other two boys (making them half-siblings).  Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If that's the case, you need to talk to your FI about what role his son's siblings will play in his (and by extension your) life.  You say he's like an uncle to them, but would<em> he </em>characterize it that way (particularly if he sees them when he sees his own son)? 

I think I would be iffy if the ex was expected to be invited.  At the same time, since she's also his child's mom, your FI and her will always be connected.  That doesn't mean an automatic invite for her, of course.  But it does mean that you guys will need to navigate what role all of these people will play, and I'm not sure if "out of sight, out of mind" will cut it in this case.

How is your FI's son getting to the wedding, and who will be watching him?  Is it possible that his siblings can come the same way and be watched by the same people who are watching him?

About your sister, I'm with PPs, I don't get how this has to do with the first question.  I also don't see how having your wedding local would eliminate any need for a passport.  If she's outside of the US, I don't see how it would make a difference if it were in Hawaii or Ohio.  If she's in Ohio, since Hawaii is a US state, she doesn't need a passport anyway.

unplainjane

i think it's fine if his ex's kids come if he sees himself as their father figure. and if he does then he should be able to take care of them while there. though if his ex does not want them to travel just with him and she needs to come with the package then she should not come to the wedding day if you don't want her there. if you need have a babysitter for the day for their care.