MOH is changing her wedding to be like mine!

patriotschick839

I and my MOH are both planning our weddings (I am also her MOH). She originally wanted a winter church wedding in early Dec with green and white as her colors. I have been planning a spring garden wedding and my colors will be green white and pink, and it being middle May. Well I just found the perfect wedding invitations with pink and green flowers in the corners. Well turns out she bought them for her wedding that she has now decided will be a spring garden wedding in May! I am really upset over this. Any advice on how to tell her she needs to change her  wedding?

emilyinchile

She doesn't need to change her wedding. While I can see how it would be frustrating to feel like she's copying you, you don't get dibs on a certain style, time of year or color scheme. Just remember what your mom always told you when kids copied you in school - it means they think you're doing something cool. Plenty of people change their minds about what kind of wedding they're going to have, and clearly she's been influenced by seeing all the neat details of yours.

Avoid telling her any more specific details so she can't directly copy them, but beyond that just let it go. Vent to someone else if you need to, but don't talk to her about it because she's not doing anything wrong. LOTS of people have spring garden weddings, as long as the details are different none of your mutual guests will think anything of it.

patriotschick839

Its not just the theme, we now have the same invitations. And she knows all the details of the wedding, She is my MOH afterall and I never had a problem talking to her about, actually she was the only person I talked to about it.

She is even doing the same favors as me, She booked the same location, caterer(menu too). She changed her wedding to the weekend before mine. 

baystateapple

You can't tell someone that they have to change their wedding style.  I ran into a similar problem with my sister/MOH this past year, when she got pissed that I was "stealing" her wedding colors (she's not even engaged yet).  Nobody has the rights to a date, a color scheme, or a theme.  You can't tell her not to choose a popular color scheme (because that's what it is), and you can't tell her she can't get married in May, or in spring.

What you CAN do is be close-lipped about your details, if you're so worried about her stealing them.  She's your MOH, sure, but you don't have to tell her everything.

suz62984

Ouch-yeah I would be upset too. So is your guest list about the same or will only a few people notice??? 

What was said above is true. You can't claim all the little details but it would really piss me off.  That is pretty bad of her to copy everything. You know she thought about you having the same stuff so she planned it the weekend before yours.

She's you MOH(and BF) so I can imagine that you want to get this off your chest.  If the guest list is going to be the same I would probably mention to her that you feel the details are beginning to be the same and that you guys should probably pick different details from now on. Keep it as LIGHT HEARTED and CASUAL as possible. Don't accuse her of stealing your ideas or anything.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-changing-her-wedding-like-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c263574d-04c0-4a6a-9121-c36c85fce707Post:492b373d-8b6f-462e-ae06-0ed709207827">Re: MOH is changing her wedding to be like mine!</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not just the theme, we now have the same invitations. And she knows all the details of the wedding, She is my MOH afterall and I never had a problem talking to her about, actually she was the only person I talked to about it. She is even doing the same favors as me, She booked the same location, caterer(menu too). She changed her wedding to the weekend before mine. 
Posted by patriotschick839[/QUOTE]

OK, I can see how this could be irritating - many of her details ARE very similar (if not the same) as yours and it will be interesting for you both having your weddings a week apart - as friends who will both be stressy in that final month anyway. BUT with that said...the first thought that popped into my mind was "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"...and I can guarentee you that you are not the first spring bride to choose those colors. (Case in point, I am a May bride with a pink & green color scheme).  What to keep in mind here - your weddings will be different because you are two different couples. You're each marrying two different men and while I'm sure you have mutual friends on the guest list, the crowd won't be exactly the same. These are 2 separate events.

You can't tell your friend to change her wedding. What you CAN do is be flattered that she liked your ideas so much that she wanted to adopt some of them for her own wedding and keep a tight lip on future details. MOH doesn't need to know every single detail - if she asks about favors keep it vague "We're doing cookies" as opposed to "We're doing heart shaped cookies with pink sprinkles in green favor boxes" - know what I mean?

ButtonsPepper

I get the flattery thing, but to move it a week before is kind of a slap in the face. To be honest, I'd probably change some things I'm doing, rather then get all pissy with a friend about it. Although, if one of my good friends did this to me, I'd sit them down and be like c'mon.. .wtf. A week before, and you are doing everything we talked about that I was doing... I'd look at it as more of a slap in the face. Maybe that was the only weekend blah blah, but I wouldn't be happy that she was copying everything, and then moved it a day before. I get you only get one day, but it would piss me off.

SarahPLiz

Well, you could just split the cost and have a joint wedding at that venue. Since you have the same vision and are best friends anyway, I don't see the issue.

Don't make this into wedding wars...

SarahPLiz

OR, you can let her buy all the decor and then she can sell it to you for half price and you can use it the next week!!!! (totally serious btw.. I'd do it)

And is her honeymoon short? Because if she's going the week before your wedding, will she be back?

mbcdefg

Has she always been competitive? Or is this totally out of the blue for her?

kat112

I call MUD

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-changing-her-wedding-like-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c263574d-04c0-4a6a-9121-c36c85fce707Post:492b373d-8b6f-462e-ae06-0ed709207827">Re: MOH is changing her wedding to be like mine!</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not just the theme, we now have the same invitations. And she knows all the details of the wedding, She is my MOH afterall and I never had a problem talking to her about, actually she was the only person I talked to about it. She is even doing the same favors as me, She booked the same location, caterer(menu too). She changed her wedding to the weekend before mine. 
Posted by patriotschick839[/QUOTE]

<div>While I don't blame you for being agitated, the sad fact is that you have no more say over the details of your wedding than she has over the details of yours. </div><div>
</div><div> Is this out of character?  If so I'd ask her what's up.  NICELY.  And not about how "you're copying me and you need to stop!" but "I've noticed that you've been changing a lot of your wedding details at the last minute, everything okay?"  </div><div>
</div><div>It frankly sounds pretty passive-aggressive of her.  You say you talk to her a lot.  It doesn't come across as bragging or disparaging against hers, does it?  Or is there a chance she's interpreting it that way? </div>

krmabojo

She does not need to change her wedding. I know I was set on a Fall Wedding but the more I looked into things, the more I liked a Spring Wedding.

She does not have to change her wedding. The wedding is not going to be on your date (because she is your MOH). The only real "problem" is if she plans her wedding the day after yours and you are planning to leave for your honeymoon.

Lots of people use green and pink for a Spring wedding. You are not the only one.

Also, if you are concerned about her "stealing" any ideas (centerpieces, invites, favors etc) do not share any of that wedding information with her.

CTGirl30

Um, also, your wedding is over a year away (May 2011) so why have you selected WP now??

bablingbrooke

Let alone the WP, why on earth are you ordering INVITATIONS over a YEAR out from the wedding?  

emilyinchile

Buttons, I'd be pissed too. But this is one of the (many) situations in life where I think if OP takes it up with the friend, she comes off looking like the bad guy because *technically* there's no rule saying you can't copy your friends wedding ideas. I think the MOH is being kind of a biitch, and if this is unusual I'd say something, but if this is how she always is then she's not going to change.

OP, also, your weddings aren't for over a year. I can't imagine that every single detail is set. You may have thought about what you want, but that will likely change. Favors, for example...I'm guessing you haven't bought them yet, and maybe you'll think of an idea you like better between now and then. And if you do, don't tell your friend!

I think the invitations are the "worst," since people will have them at the same time (whereas they won't necessarily remember details a week apart). If there's no way for either of you to return the invitations, make sure you get a totally different font/wording/style on yours. Talk to the caterer to ask to keep your menus really different. See if the venue can be set up differently or use different colors.

EDK2010

I just noticed that your wedding date is not until May 2011. You still have plenty of time to work out the details. I changed my invitations 4 different times and I will only have a 6 month engagement. You have another year and a half to go, I wouldn't worry about your friend having the same ideas as you may totally change your mind anyway.

CTGirl30

Yes, you don't need to be worrying about invites, WP, favors, or much else at this point aside from having booked your venue.  Ideas and tastes can change over the next year and 3 months. Lord knows I have changed my original color scheme (from black / ivory / gold to pink & green) and my engagement will be a year long by the time I get marrid in a few months.

You actually have plenty of time to figure stuff out and your mind and tastes may very well change. If this isn't actually MUD, I think you're stressing yourself way more than you need to at this point in the game.

patriotschick839

Our wedding was originally planned for this May but my Fiancee signed up for a deployment to help in Haiti, and we are not sure when he will be back. So we decided to move it to next May. That is why pretty much everything is planned out.

But no she normally does not act like this. She had everything planned for her winter wedding this Dec. Favors were ordered, Invitations were ordered. That is why I found it so wrong for her to change it. At first I felt like she was just joking with me. When I told her about the invitations I liked, she was like well we'll see who buys them first. I laughed it off. Next thing I know she went out and got them.

banana468

There's a part of me that would almost want to say, "My wedding is going to be fabulous!  In case you're not available to go, call up MOH.  She's having the same one a week earlier."

All you can do though now is not tell her things, and perhaps add some different flair.  I'll agree, it's odd that she's acting so competitive but it's a personality "flaw" on her part - not yours.

mm45737

i would totally change things and not tell her. i have a friend like that, that is always super competitive, and it drives me crazy. i think it would be awesome to one up her now and let it all be a surprise to her...

aerinpegadrak

Good lord, I'm eleven weeks away (AAAAAAAHHHH) and my invitations aren't even finished yet.  There is absolutely no reason for you, either of you, to be hammering out your smallest details this early.

Get different invitations (in a sane timeframe, like six months out) and stop talking to her about the wedding.  If either of you is like, oh, about 98% of brides, the finished product of your wedding will look completely different than what you were looking initially.

callsmesweetie

This is definately a dilema. I see this from a couple different angles. She was so impressed by all your ideas that she decided to go with a garden theme, too. Which can be taken as a compliment. Maybe there's a reason you two are bfs? If you have much the same interests, she would be bound to like whatever you do. But if she is the competitive type, maybe you did accidentally say something to make her question her own ideas?

I would definately change the easy things like the menu and the invitations. And also the flowers are an option. you could have more green or more pink and change up the accent flowers. And you are definately not obligated to tell about any changes you make.

There's also the chance that you may both be doing 'pink, green and white' but you might be doing different shades. When going dress shopping choose a dress very different from what's in your wedding. Adore a different shape, length and shade and/or color all together. Just because the theme is the same doesn't mean every detail needs to be.

You could also give her a lot of support on ideas that would make her wedding defferent from yours. she wanted white winter wedding? maybe you should encourage her to bing more white into the wedding and keep the pink and green as more accents. The combinations are endless and as the MOH you have a special place of input to help her design the unique wedding she should have, and leave you with the unique wedding you want.

But if she seems hell-bent on the ideas that resemble yours, there could definately be some copying and competeing going on. I would encourage you to have a nice convesation and subtly go about finding out why her wedding resembles yours so much. Tell her you just want to feel special, and your sure she does, too. There could be an easy solution to be found by just sitting down and talking. She could easily be persuaded to start having her own ideas about her spring wedding.

Good Luck!