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Wedding Party

Bridesmaid drama

I have one difficult bridesmaid. She is not getting along with the others, and seems to be making everything difficult. She opts out of a lot of things due to money, however she was able to go to Hawaii with her boyfriend in February and has planned another trip for them in May. I am buying her dress so really all she's has to provide is her shoes (she already owned), make up, hair, and flowers. She is buying a ticket to come down to my wedding which is a bit of an expense so I get that however I don't feel like she does much to save elsewhere or plan. The other bridesmaids are getting frustrated with her because they want to include her but she keeps making it difficult so they've done things with out her regarding the bachelorette party. I feel bad for them and don't want to make people mad but I'm not sure how to handle this? They've each tried to tackle the issue head on and not include me in the frustration but things haven't gotten better so they've spilled their guts to me.

She herself hasn't expressed any frustration so I'm not sure if she realizes that others are annoyed with her. Two other bridesmaids have already had fights with her but they've made up and moved on. How do you handle this? I don't want to make anyone do anything they don't want, but I don't want everyone to be miserable!

Re: Bridesmaid drama

  • I am not requiring professional hair/make up or specific shoes. I chose to pay for dresses because most of my bridesmaids have to fly to even get to the wedding. I figured that paying for flowers wouldn't be horribly expensive especially because we are thinking of making our own boquets. Everyone was asked what they could contribute and she had come up with some of the ideas of what should be done for the party, but now is saying that she doesn't want to help. No one has forced her to do anything, they just want to be able to rely on what she's said she would do to help. She's just flaky. They are already coming up with back up plans but didn't want to come off as rude for not including her.

    I didn't think there were SET rules to planning a wedding because if there were I would say anyone that did DIY was tacky and should just wait until they could afford to have nice stuff. BUT like I said there are no set rules and people have to tweak things to work for what their budget/plan is.
  • What exactly is it that this BM is doing wrong?  I honestly don't see one objectionable thing in your posts.
  • Basically she has voiced ideas/concerns/requests to accomodate her, and everyone has been very accomodating to her schedule and needs. When asked for any help or input she flakes out and says that it doesn't work for her, she is not being flexible for others. She has voiced ideas of what she wants for the bachelorette party that everyone liked, but when it came down to help paying for it she has flaked and said nevermind. They are frustrated because they have been very accomodating but she doesn't show that consideration in return. Was she flaky before yes and no, she's an awesome friend when she is single but as soon as she has a new man in her life she drops off the face of the earth.
  • I think it's time to adjust your expectations of this girl.  All BM's need to do is show up in the right dress, normally, that they paid for themselves after you asked them their budget.   Maybe she was just making suggestions for b-party, trying to be helpful because she wasn't planning on be involved in any other way?  And I don't understand what you mean by "everyone was asked what they could contribute", to the wedding or the b-party?  Andalso, DIY does not necessarily mean cheaper, but people want a certain look, just sayin'.
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  • In Response to Re: Bridesmaid drama:
    Was she flaky before yes and no, she's an awesome friend when she is single but as soon as she has a new man in her life she drops off the face of the earth.
    Posted by chelsy31588
    So it sounds like she's being true to form?

    Don't expect people to morph into super-friend because you ask them to be in your WP.  Expect them to act the way they've always acted and you'll be way less frustrated.
  • You can't ask the bridesmaids to provide their own flowers. Period. If all the other BMs offer to pay for theirs and this girl doesn't, then you need to buy the flowers. Flowers are a basic thing that the bride needs to provide.

    Other than that - if she gets her dress and shows up, then she's done her job as a bridesmaid.

    Your other bridesmaids shouldn't be tattling to you about what this girl is contributing (or not contributing) to a shower or bachelorette party. They need to handle it themselves and you need to stay out of it. If they've tried to accommodate this girl and she won't cooperate, then they can plan what THEY want and if the girl can't attend then she's out of luck. It's fine if she doesn't want to contribute, but then she loses her right to give any input on the date/location/events/etc. If she wants it done a certain way then she should help out, otherwise she needs to shut up and go along with whatever's being planned (or not attend at all).

    The next time your bridesmaids come crying to you that this other chick isn't helping out, cut them off and say politely but firmly, "It's rude for the bride to be involved in the shower/bachelorette plans, so please leave me out of it. Do what you have to do, but you need to settle it amongst yourselves." Then walk away if they won't stop complaining. You are not the referee and it is not your job to make them all get along and cooperate. Even if they beg you to step in and handle this, DO NOT GET INVOLVED. They are adults and they need to deal with it themselves. It is not your responsibility to settle their fights or make them all be friendly. And it is not rude for you to tell them this.

    You said she's always been flaky. Well, she's not going to change just because you happen to be getting married. You need to accept your friends for who they are. If her flakiness wasn't enough of an issue for you to avoid asking her to be a bridesmaid, then it shouldn't be an issue now.
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  • Like previous posts I agree that you can't expect anything but for your BP to show up at the wedding in a budget friendly dress.  As much as we would like our BP to surround us with a cushion of concern and help for the wedding day they have lives that do not revolve around our weddings.  That being said I do agree that every wedding and wedding party is different for example, my MOH and one of my BM's are very involved because they want to be not because I have any expectations of them.  2 other BM's are getting married this year before me so they have their own weddings to take care of and my other BM is a single mom so again, participation is understandably very limited.  Whatever your BP agreed to as far as participation, money, parties is fine as long as they've volunteered to do it and I'm sorry that your BM is flakey but it sounds like that is her personality and it's probably not going to change.   From now on I wouldn't plan around her "needs" Just pick dates and times and let her know when/where and if she shows up great if not that's ok too.  Could be that she has really good intentions but no follow through, maybe they spent more money than they thought on vacation and are now trying to play catch up on bills, you just never really know whats going on.  I would just tell the other members of your BP that your sorry she is being difficult but no one is required to participate/help and that you really appreciate and love them for all that they are doing for you =)  Good Luck!
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  • I don't think you can ask a bridesmaid to pay for her own flowers.

    You should stay out of the situation with the bachelorette party.  The bride doesn't plan her own bachelorette, and it's not your responsibility to make sure all of your bridesmaids get along.  They shouldn't be calling you and complaining to you about her.  They need to be adults and deal with the situation.  Also, if she doesn't want to help pay for the bachelorette or participate in it, she is not obligated to.

  • I'd be pretty hurt if one of my friends was judging me for going to Hawaii, but then making me pay for flowers to be in HER wedding....  I like Hawaii a hell of a lot more than I like wedding flowers, so if that's what I want to spend my hard earned money on, I certainly wouldn't take any crap judgement from a 'friend' about it.

    Basically, it's none of your business what she wants to spend HER money on.  You can ask her to buy the dress (after discussing a budget), and that's it.  It's definitely NOT okay to ask them to pay for their own flowers, ever. 

    As far as the parties, she is not obligated to pitch in for those either.  I can understand the frustration if she's asking to have input in the planning and then not offering to help pay, so if that's an issue, the other BMs can move forward with the planning without her input and just let her know when and where they are.
    Anniversary
  • Dang I didn't think flowers were that big of a deal.

    They've all settled it and aren't going to worry about what she wants anymore since she's not offering to help. I guess they were just frusturated because she was telling them how she wanted things to be done so when they tried to do it, she backed out and didn't want to take any responsibility of her ideas.

    The whole vacation spending thing, well she always complains about money and not having any time. The Hawaii thing was booked a while back so that didn't bother me it was when she told me that she was going to take another vacation in April. I just didn't understand how she made the time and money for that but can't take responsibility for her own contributing ideas. She is probably the least busy person out of all of them so I'm not sure where her time goes but that's her own issue on time managment and money. I told them to do what they want to do and I didn't want to be involved in any of the planning. They just didn't want it to get back to me that she was left out, when she chose to be.

    The only requirment I had for anyone during this whole process was to have fun, is that too much to ask?
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg
    10000 Comments Combo Breaker 5 Love Its
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    edited March 2012
    So then they can ignore her, if she's not willing to contribute money or work to the plans. Just because she wants to complain about it doesn't mean that they have to listen.

    Her money is none of your business. End of story. You don't have to agree with what she spends her money on, but that's not a problem because it isn't your  money. You don't get a say in how she spends it. Again - if she doesn't want to pay for something then that's fine, but then she loses her right to give any input. Same thing with you ... you didn't earn/receive that money, so you don't get any input into how it's spent. It's her money and her time. She gets to decide how she spends it.

    You can't expect people to change their ways for your wedding. If she's always been a cheapskate, a complainer, whatever you want to call it, she's not going to change now. You cannot control anyone else's behavior/feelings/reactions except your own. Your bridesmaids cannot control anyone else's behavior/feelings/reactions except their own.

    It's pointless for all of you to try and change this girl's mind or say what she should/shouldn't do, and it's pointless to fret about how she's acting. Worrying and fretting and getting upset will only make things worse. The ONLY things you can all change is how you all react to her. And the simplest thing to do would be to just shrug and say, "Sorry you feel that way, but we are doing XYZ. You are welcome to participate if you want, otherwise we'll see you at the wedding." Boom, done.
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  • In Response to Re: Bridesmaid drama:
    Dang I didn't think flowers were that big of a deal. It's a big deal because that is NOT part of the BM's responsibility to provide, never has been and never will be.  Even though they might be cheaper than a dress, dresses are at least worn and kept by the BP, flowers are nothing more than props for the pictures, which should be the B&G's responsibility.  They've all settled it and aren't going to worry about what she wants anymore since she's not offering to help. Sounds like a good plan, it's not necessary for everyone to be involved planning it.  I guess they were just frusturated because she was telling them how she wanted things to be done so when they tried to do it, she backed out and didn't want to take any responsibility of her ideas. I can see how that's frustrating, but it sounds like they've come to a good arrangement to just plan it without her.  The whole vacation spending thing, well she always complains about money and not having any time. The Hawaii thing was booked a while back so that didn't bother me it was when she told me that she was going to take another vacation in April. I just didn't understand how she made the time and money for that but can't take responsibility for her own contributing ideas. Still not your business to judge how she spends her time or money.  Her life doesn't revolve around your wedding, so she understandably makes the time for things that are important to her.  She is probably the least busy person out of all of them so I'm not sure where her time goes but that's her own issue on time managment and money. I told them to do what they want to do and I didn't want to be involved in any of the planning. Which is correct, you shouldn't be involved in planning any pre-wedding events for yourself. They just didn't want it to get back to me that she was left out, when she chose to be. The only requirment I had for anyone during this whole process was to have fun, is that too much to ask? Hopefully now that they have the planning situation worked out, it will be.
    Posted by chelsy31588

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  • In Response to Re: Bridesmaid drama:
    The ONLY things you can all change is how you all react to her. And the simplest thing to do would be to just shrug and say, "Sorry you feel that way, but we are doing XYZ. You are welcome to participate if you want, otherwise we'll see you at the wedding." Boom, done.
    Posted by mbcdefg
    I like this and that's pretty much what we've decided what we would do/say. She's my friend and I'm not trying to make this into a bigger problem I just want things to be fun. Because I don't want things blown out of proportion or any hurt feelings is why I came on here to vent. Thanks for the help!
  • Wow you are asking for a bridesmaid to pay for flowers for YOUR wedding? I have never heard of that, nor will i ever, my friends/family could never be so rude. 

    There are cheap places to get flowers from to diy that you could get & PAY for. Mine are diy silk flowers, 2 of my girls came over & did their own the way they want them. They are ALL different & that is ok with me, it is just details, they are still pretty even though not the same. 

    Unfortunately not everyone will want to participate. I have one bm who has not been a part of it at all. I would have been upset before coming to tk but now i realised that i shouldn't be. One has also gotten a 2nd job & very busy. One helps a lot, but by CHOICE. 

    I do most of it on my own, do you know what i gain that way? I have things the way I want them, with my fiance's imput of course. 

    Lower your expectations & you will be fine. You can talk to her about your hurt feelings if you want but that would be as far as i would go (i am not going to do that with mine, i just accept that is the way it is, they will show up :) ). Enjoy the girls who do things with you & don't worry about the one who is concerned with her OWN life, it is NOT her wedding. 

    Good luck. 
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  • edited March 2012
    In Response to Re:Bridesmaid drama:
    I am not requiring professional hair/make up or specific shoes. I chose to pay for dresses because most of my bridesmaids have to fly to even get to the wedding. I figured that paying for flowers wouldn't be horribly expensive especially because we are thinking of making our own boquets. Everyone was asked what they could contribute and she had come up with some of the ideas of what should be done for the party, but now is saying that she doesn't want to help. No one has forced her to do anything, they just want to be able to rely on what she's said she would do to help. She's just flaky. They are already coming up with back up plans but didn't want to come off as rude for not including her.I didn't think there were SET rules to planning a wedding because if there were I would say anyone that did DIY was tacky and should just wait until they could afford to have nice stuff. BUT like I said there are no set rules and people have to tweak things to work for what their budget/plan is. Posted by chelsy31588


    Wait, what? In the same post that you call DIY tacky, you mention making your own bouquets (isn't that DIY?).

    AND you call DIY tacky, but expect your bridesmaids to pay for flowers?

    DIY doesn't mean cheaper. Sometimes people want to put a personal touch on things. Sometimes people can't find exactly what they want premade (like my DIYed wine-colored cardbox...turns out if you want things wine-colored, you have to do a lot of it yourself).
  • No I wasn't saying DIY was tacky, I was using that as an example because I don't think there are set rules when planning a wedding. DIY is one way people make things work for them. My bridesmaids were fine with me buying their dresses and them taking care of their flowers. So that works for us, just because it isn't what is traditionally done doesn't mean it is wrong. If we decide to make the bouquets then that is also something that works for us.

    Oh and for the post above, it's not my expectation for her to be excited and happy about my wedding, it's the other bridesmaids expectations of how they think she should act. I just asked everyone to have fun, which I don't think is something hard to do because weddings are supposed to be a happy time. If she didn't think she could handle it she should have said no as I would expect any other potential bridesmaid to do.

    *History----I'm getting married in a very small town that you can only get to through boat or plane, this makes everything 10X more expensive than many regular locations. DIY is still even hard because we don't have many options except the internet but since I live in Alaska I have to pay an arm and a leg for shipping. Many people get married here and I know things can be done but unfortunately we are funding everything ourselves.*
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