Did I make a huge blunder?

ntrinh

My wedding is in 19 days! My sister (maid of honor) came over and disscussed my wedding. Apparently she did not know my brother was not made a groomsmen. My fiance and brother don't really get along but mainly because they don't know each other well. My fiance is in the Navy and we have been in a long distance 2 years out of our 3 year relationship. (They often make digs at each other). 

So when my sister heard of this news she was appaled and even cried. I felt horrible and didn't even know it would be a problem or even disrespectful. I assumed the groomsmens were all friends of the groom. I also didn't think my brother would even want to be in it. So as my sister cried her eyes out I felt like i made such a mistake and the worse part I never even thought about my brother or his feelings! 

So I ask my fiance (we lost a 2 groomsmen to deployment) to perhaps reconsider my brother to be one. He agreed but now i feel like since it's so close to the wedding he will be more insulted when my fiance ask. I feel so horrible! I'm so confused on how to handle this and wonder why no one mentioned anything about this issue till 19 days before the wedding!

Advice?

egm900

First of all, do not ask your brother to be in the WP 19 days before the wedding, you're right, that would be insulting, and also disrespectful to the GM that were deployed.  I know where I'm from, the WP is always close friends, but where FI is from, siblings are put in the WP first, then friends.  The WP should those that are nearest and dearest to the bride and groom, and if your brother didn't come to mind when picking the WP, then I don't think he should be included solely because he's a sibling.  I also don't know why your sister got so upset over this, it doesn't mean that you don't love your brother.

bonge

It is way too soon to make him a groomsman. If you want to feel better then you could always just talk to him, see how he feels & let him know it was no slight to him. 

GoodLuckBear14

Sorry hon but you really messed this one up.  First, if your FI does not get along with him, it was unfair of you to ask him to make your brother a groomsman.  You have no say on his side just as he has no say on your side.  Second, there is not a reason in the world that you could not have asked your brother to stand on your side when you asked your BMs.  Third, 19 days before your wedding is waaay too late to ask him to be in the BP and would be rubbing salt in his wounds.

I was the only sibling left out of my youngest brother's wedding because they wanted even single gender sides.  The bride had her friends do readings.  I'm not going to lie to you.  It hurt like hell and still hurts almost three years later.

My suggestion would be to ask him to do a reading.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_did-i-make-a-huge-blunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c80053b2-4897-47a0-b836-d3c0749b4ef0Post:3a97d122-09bb-4100-8a91-d2aeae731915">Did I make a huge blunder?</a>:
[QUOTE]My wedding is in 19 days! My sister (maid of honor) came over and disscussed my wedding. Apparently she did not know my brother was not made a groomsmen. My fiance and brother don't really get along but mainly because they don't know each other well. My fiance is in the Navy and we have been in a long distance 2 years out of our 3 year relationship. (They often make digs at each other).  So when my sister heard of this news she was appaled and even cried. I felt horrible and didn't even know it would be a problem or even disrespectful. I assumed the groomsmens were all friends of the groom. I also didn't think my brother would even want to be in it. So as my sister cried her eyes out I felt like i made such a mistake and the worse part I never even thought about my brother or his feelings!  So I ask my fiance (we lost a 2 groomsmen to deployment) to perhaps reconsider my brother to be one. He agreed but now i feel like since it's so close to the wedding he will be more insulted when my fiance ask. I feel so horrible! I'm so confused on how to handle this and wonder why no one mentioned anything about this issue till 19 days before the wedding! Advice?
Posted by ntrinh[/QUOTE]

Your sister cried her eyes out because your brother isn't in your WP? That's extreme.

aerinpegadrak

DH and my brother don't get along, but we were going to have him as a groomsman.  Then when the drama between them started hitting a high pitch, I swapped my brother to my side so DH wouldn't have to deal with it. 

There's very little you can do at this point, unless there are roles like reader or usher still left open.  All you can do is tell him that you were working under false premises and you're sorry.

artbyallie

Ten to one your brother doesn't care about being in the wedding. I think your sister is being overdramatic. Seriously, who cries over someone else not being in a wedding party?

ajmom2two

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_did-i-make-a-huge-blunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c80053b2-4897-47a0-b836-d3c0749b4ef0Post:98c5cdb8-899e-43a6-b345-6fe1cb3c9994">Re: Did I make a huge blunder?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ten to one your brother doesn't care about being in the wedding. I think your sister is being overdramatic. Seriously, who cries over someone else not being in a wedding party?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

<div>This!</div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_did-i-make-a-huge-blunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c80053b2-4897-47a0-b836-d3c0749b4ef0Post:98c5cdb8-899e-43a6-b345-6fe1cb3c9994">Re: Did I make a huge blunder?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ten to one your brother doesn't care about being in the wedding. I think your sister is being overdramatic. Seriously, who cries over someone else not being in a wedding party?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't assume this.  I have one brother who wouldn't care and I wouldn't react.  I have another one who is pretty sensitive even though he tries to hide it and I'd probably start crying if he were so publicly slighted like this.

ajmom2two

I dont get why its a public slight to not have your brother in your wedding?  I really think this is being made into a way bigger deal than it needs to be.  I think the fact that her FI & brother dont get along is a really good reason not to have him in the wedding party.

ntrinh

Thank you for all the advice!

No my sister and brother are far from close and he never mentioned or seemed to be bothered. I did not force my fiance to be ready to ask I only asked him to reconsider to perhaps start a new relationship. I told my fiance that if he wasn's sinciere in wanting him on his side to not even think about asking him because it would be insulting. 

The problem I have is that I feel horrible that I just now realized all this and I do want my brother a role in the wedding. I don't have any readings so I can find another role. I didn't think it was to late cause just yesterday I took the best man to finally get measured (we are renting). I plan on going over to talk to him today before my fiance ask or anything to just apologize and explain things to him that him that us asking is not to replace others and I wanted him to be a part of the wedding because I love him and he's my brother.

I just hope it all goes well

HeathenSwan

You can always talk to him. Tell him you realize you really want him to be a part of the wedding, But ask him to stand on your side if he and your fiance don't get along. You can always say that you never realized mixed gender bridal parties are becoming more acceptable now, and you've realised that he can be on your side.

And tell your sister to chill. It's not that big a deal.

[Deleted User]

I don't understand people that include family by default, my brother would think it was a huge pain in the ass! I don't think you made a mistake at all, but don't change things around with 19 days to go, plus how did your sister not know this before now? LOL

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_did-i-make-a-huge-blunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c80053b2-4897-47a0-b836-d3c0749b4ef0Post:bc54d55f-764c-4168-9b9e-05e22d60bb2b">Re: Did I make a huge blunder?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all the advice! No my sister and brother are far from close and he never mentioned or seemed to be bothered. I did not force my fiance to be ready to ask I only asked him to reconsider to perhaps start a new relationship. I told my fiance that if he wasn's sinciere in wanting him on his side to not even think about asking him because it would be insulting.  The problem I have is that I feel horrible that I just now realized all this and I do want my brother a role in the wedding. I don't have any readings so I can find another role. I didn't think it was to late cause just yesterday I took the best man to finally get measured (we are renting). I plan on going over to talk to him today before my fiance ask or anything to just apologize and explain things to him that him that us asking is not to replace others and I wanted him to be a part of the wedding because I love him and he's my brother. I just hope it all goes well
Posted by ntrinh[/QUOTE]

Maybe you could find another way to recognize him; give him a nice gift at the rehearsal dinner, or have the DJ announce a special dance with him during the reception (you don't need to clear the floor for it).  There are other ways to let him know that he's special to you without having to scramble for a last-minute role.

jemmini6

Ha..if my parents followed the "everyone's siblings are in the wedding on gender sides", my dad would have had 10 GM, not including his friends.  Also, It's not a 'public slight' to not have a FBIL that you don't know that well stand as a GM.  It just means that the groom isn't that close to him, which is totally fine.  If you want your sibling in the WP, put them on your side, you never get to dictate each other's WP. 

At this point, just let it go.  If your brother and sister aren't even that close, and your brother hasn't mentioned anything to you, it seems unlikely that he really cares.  If he knows him and your FI don't get along/aren't that close, I'd find it hard to believe that he would have even assumed he would have been asked to be a GM in the first place.  I think your sister is MAJORLY overreacting and you are now making a big deal over nothing because of it.

smlane1223

My FSIL didn't have her brother (my fiance) stand up in her wedding. He did do a reading, though. I understand that you are not doing readings. What about an usher or escort for the parents, something like that? But, honestly, if he doesn't care, I wouldn't worry about it. I definitely think your sister was overreacting. Don't put additional stress on yourself - everything will work out fine!

staderdanger

I think what you said about talking to your brother and telling him you weren't being mean by not asking him to be part of the wedding is fine.  Weddings are not written in stone on what you have to do. Its your wedding, everyone has different ideas on what you should do and you just have to do whats right for you and your FI. Being so close to the wedding don't stress about your sister going a little crazy just enjoy the fact that in 19 days you will be married. The good thing about most families if they are bothered or hurt by something they usually forgive you fast.  Enjoy the rest of the time being engaged and don't stress, its not worth it!

ntrinh

Thank you everyone for your advice! I talked to my brother and he was happy to be a groomsmen! He wasnt even mad about before and he said he would be honored to be one and my FI called him to ask himself and talk (I think they are starting to get along more now!) so over all a win win! Yes my sister was wayy over dramatic but at least it made me realize things and created a gret chance to bring the family closer. Everyone's advice really helped and encourged me so thank you!