Nasty BM

mermaidutp

I kind of feel like people are jumping on OP a little bit here when it seems that she's tried to be flexible and open with her bridesmaids.  She even offered to pay off the remainder until her friend was able to put aside enough money!  This woman agreed to this dress and agreed to be part of a bridal party.  Even if she is stressed out, she doesn't have the right to take it out on the bride and say nasty and hurtful things.  True friends don't try to diminish the major events in one another's lives...they are supportive and if there is a problem - they talk about it in a mature fashion, not by making snide remarks or being outright rude and hurtful.  If the bridesmaid is concerned about the cost of the bridal shower she should be talking to the other bridesmaid's NOT the bride.  The bride does not control the shower nor does she seem to be demanding anything specific for her shower.

That being said - I think it's a good idea for the Bride to talk to her friend and find out what's going on - in as nonconfrontational a way as possible.  The bridesmaid is throwing mixed signals out there and I can't blame the bride for wanting to know if this woman is really going to stand up with her on her big day or if she's goiing to flake out or continue to cause more problems.

courtneyblangdon

No offense, but I'm wondering why you are friends with something like this...?  Even at their grouchiest, my friends have been happy and supportive of my wedding.  This kind of behavior rarely comes out of the blue, unless she really is "sour grapes" because you are happy and getting married.  If that's the case, talking to her about what a great friend she is can sweeten those sour grapes.

And if she's always been this nasty to you and/or doesn't change her tune, I think you should reconsider her place in your life.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:a5450ab9-23ad-4b5f-9378-1e1e1129b7ca">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]You know what, I would pay for the dress yourself and hope that she comes through with the money.<strong> If not at least you already have the dress for a replacement bridesmaid.</strong> My bridesmaid dresses are about $200 or so a piece without alterations but my bridemaids picked the dressmaker and styles themselves. And then I would have the bridal shower at Chuckie Cheese, just to be funny. Or at least a bridal lunch, and give everyone tokens and tell them that this is a cheer up lunch. But whatever you do I would say clear the air now rather than later. You want your wedding experience to be the best and you cannot do that when you have BM's like that. 
Posted by mazinggrace[/QUOTE]

No. There shouldn't be any replacement WP attendants at all.

andreaalbus

I'm having the same issues with one of my BM's/  Bad mouthing everything!  My shower was a disaster and I don't know how to fix the situation at all.  There have been several occasions where I've kept quiet thinking it was better to take the high road but last week I blew my stack.  now she's not returning my phonecalls and only answers me on FB (which is juvenille).  I picked a dress even less expensive than the one you chose for your girls and there were still comments.  My bridal shower place was changed one week before the party and I HAD TO CALL THE PEOPLE to let them know.  Not to mention my MOH is pregnant and due 2 weeks before my wedding.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:d09c78e9-fec0-4a4c-afa8-8ec450a01cb1">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm having the same issues with one of my BM's/  Bad mouthing everything!  My shower was a disaster and I don't know how to fix the situation at all. <strong> There have been several occasions where I've kept quiet thinking it was better to take the high road but last week I blew my stack.</strong>  now she's not returning my phonecalls and only answers me on FB (which is juvenille).  I picked a dress even less expensive than the one you chose for your girls and there were still comments.  My bridal shower place was changed one week before the party and I HAD TO CALL THE PEOPLE to let them know.  <strong>Not to mention my MOH is pregnant and due 2 weeks before my wedding.</strong>
Posted by andreaalbus[/QUOTE]

What does your MOH's pregnancy have to do with anything?

For any girls with any sort of issues- taking the high road is good, but you can't let it bottle up inside of you so you lose your temper and blow up later. That only creates mroe problems. If you see a genuine problem that you can't let go of and will significantly ruin your wedding day, it's better to address it head on privately, gently, and politely.

And again, for BM dresses, always check each BM's budget first.

heatherluvmark

you obviously have a lot of comments and feedback about this one but what I would say is maybe something more is going on with this girl then you know. Perhaps she is having a lot of financial problems or relationship or job just some kind of stress that is coming out towards you and your wedding. I don't think it sounds like jealousy and I would not take it personel. She might not be ready to talk about her problems or want to further stress you out as the bride or even really be admitting them to herself right now. As a bride and more importently as her friend you simply have to be frank with her and tell her I am not sure what has been bothering you lately but I am here for you and long as you still want to be in my wedding I want you to be here. We can work out the payment for the dress (maybe she would let you pay for the alteration?) The stress of my wedding should not ruin our friendship. We just need to communicate here.

I hope you get it worked out! Good Luck

Heather

kshira

I would try not to take the comment about 'paying for all this sh*t' too seriously.  I know that when I'm strapped for cash anything that isn't rent or food or transportation to work is sh*t in my head and I refer to it as such. 

It could be that she's just really frustated and has a bunch of other unknown expenses and she's just categorizing it all in the same category.  It also sounded to me that she may have made an attempt to be funny (albeit in a non-funny way).  Hopefully that's how she meant it and she would never directly call it sh*t when really talking about your wedding.

JloveB

I think it sounds like she is having money issue and I was a bridesmaid once that did more of the putting up money for the bridal shower and bachelorette party because the moh couldn't really afford it but we are all sister so I knew it would be mostly me from the start. Having a new baby can be time consuming and a very big change on your wallet, she is probably thinking with that it might come down to her paying or mostly everything. Or even if she knows she isn't paying for the bridal shower, she might feel like she is going to be the one who ends up in charge of the planning. But something else is bothering her...ask her how she is doing without bringing up wedding stuff. Just because you assume her job is going well or other things in her life are in place you could be failing to see the truth if your to focus on your wedding to check in on her once in a while. Friends do that for each other whether they ask or want them too.

rosequartz

No one is perfect but it sounds like you are trying to be accommodating. Rudeness is not appropriate. Maybe instead of feeling grateful that you got her the job,especially in this economy, she feels jealous but guilty about it & thus the passive-aggressive behavior.

summer4077

As others have said, maybe there's something going on in her life.  Regardless, that doesn't give her the right to treat you so badly.  I would never say those things to a friend.  If she is having financial difficulty she could talk to you privately and explain it.  I 100% believe it's jealousy--I'm not the "Oh she's just jealous" type but that's what it is.

People will surprise you.  I asked a good friend to be in my wedding and she excitedly agreed.  As the day got closer her attitude completely changed.  She started to make snarky comments on everything from our choice of transportation to the flavor of our cake.  She didn't buy the dress and at 3 weeks out told me she didn't have the money.  (For a $99 dress that she'd known about for 8 months.)  Eventually I realized it's her issue, not mine, and decided not to care.  

This should make you re-think your friendship.  Not saying you shouldn't be friends with her, but you should think about how close you are.  Close friends don't treat each other like that. 

mm1515

Personally, I don't think that it really matters what is going on in her life.  There is absolutely no reason for her to treat someone, who is supposedly a close friend, like that. 

You told her up front what the price was and what the conditions of buying the dress were.  She still chose to buy it.  I was in the 'same' situation she was in.  I had a hard time buying a dress for a wedding that I was in.  But rather than bash the bride or make any negative references to her Bridal Shower/Bachelorette party, I found a way to pay what I had to. 

It's not the Bride's fault she's going through any issues.  A good friend wouldn't treat anyone like that, especially when they're in the wedding.  If she had any issues, she should have said something in the beginnning.

pisci1kn

I just have to say I'm sooo sorry you have to deal with a BM like that!  Its your wedding and its suppose to be a happy time for you!  I can't believe someone that has been your bestfriend since 10th grade would treat you and your wedding like that! I hope everything works out for the best and she realizes she is straining your relationship!

reason00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:36d0c702-ecc6-4cf2-9b64-aa40351f00cc">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Yowza, that's an expensive dress + alterations.  Did you individually ask your BMs for their budgets before you chose the dress?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]


Expensive??? I wanna live in your city! LOL...$200 is the cheapest for a bridesmaid dress in my city. :( I asked my girls about 10 times if they're ok with the dress costs. I feel so bad but they said it's fine.

soontobeleblanc

Here's what gets me! The timing of the order, is not the brides fault!!!!!!!!!! You can't help that the shop needs it ordered now!
I started looking with my girls a year and a half before, they got to choose, by a majority vote which dress. And I took each of them seperately so they had no idea which of the 5 dresses (I was happy with) the other girls liked. But I know that my girls, like me, have a tight budget and I wanted them to have as much time as possible to save up for it......they also knew, however, that because of consideration for their budgets we did not even look at "this year's collections" cuz I could care less if its modern - just wanted it to look good, and not break the bank!! But because of this, the style may be discontinued (as is the case with you) and need to  be ordered early.......some things are out of your control!
Absolutely you need to be respectful of them and their individual lives, and their roles outside of your wedding.....thats just being a good friend!!! But what a lot of people seem to forget (including some in  my party!!!!) is the wedding party are supposed to be there to support the bride & groom!!!!!!!! You should not feel you have to walk on eggshells, and not talk about your wedding!!!!!!!!! Its your WEDDING!!!! Its one of the biggest, most important, most life-changing days of your life!!!! You are supposed to talk about it, stress about it, be happy about it; and you are supposed to do this with your wedding party!!
For the record, my bridesmaid dresses are $240, we have no idea for alterations because each girl will need differernt things done/not done........ I was maid of honour to my matron of honour.... my dress for hers was $379 (plus $139 alterations)........ yep, thats over $500 just for the dress....... but i did it, cuz thats what she wanted, and thats what made her happy! And making her happy was my job!!!
Still be a friend to your friend (which I doubt is an issue, because you do seem very concerned for her feelings), but DO NOT feel like you cant still be a bride!!!!!!! In this situation I feel she is being a tiny bit unreasonable!!!

mairianne131

Wow.  Most of you are being extremely nice here.  I feel like her reaction and subsequent rant about "not having the money for this $hit" and "shower at Chucky Cheese" was totally uncalled for and way out of line.  If it was me, I'd give her some space, then maybe meet her for coffee and ask if there was something going on in her life.  If she still acts the same way, then I'd let it go and see what she does on her own.  If she doesn't get the dress and can't be supportive, then that's it.  She's out. And for the record, I don't think $210 is too expensive, especially if you asked them first. 

I'm sorry that she said those things to you - try to let it go.  The last thing you need when you're planning a wedding is stress from supposed best friends!  There's enough stress to go around as it is!

jeffplusclaraequalslove

Here's my advice.  And I am wondering why no one has said anything like this yet. First, remind her that she agreed to everything that she's complaining about and if she'd like some slack in responsibilities, then she can be demoted as a guest.  It's an honor to stand up for you and she has responsibilities.  That's what it's all about.  Also, you might be changing your mind about whether you even want her in the party at all.  If you're having a bachelorette, or anything like that, just sit and imagine who you want to be surrounding yourself with before and on your special day.  If any of them are people that bring stress into your life, forget about them.

If the dress is refundable (or if you're willing to refund her for it), then let her go!  So what if she's been your best friend since 10th grade, she's not being your best friend now.  And if she's acting like this, do you really think that the friendship is going to last?  Do you want to look back at wedding photos and regret that she's standing next up there with you, knowing that she was bitter about the whole thing?  It's not her decision, it's yours.  Because I am sure she wouldn't be as graceful if this were her wedding.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:5b1de42f-f345-42e2-9209-cb4a445bb3a5">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's my advice.  A<strong>nd I am wondering why no one has said anything like this yet.</strong> First, remind her that she agreed to everything that she's complaining about and if she'd like some slack in responsibilities, then she can be demoted as a guest.  It's an honor to stand up for you and she has responsibilities.  That's what it's all about.  Also, you might be changing your mind about whether you even want her in the party at all.  If you're having a bachelorette, or anything like that, just sit and imagine who you want to be surrounding yourself with before and on your special day.  If any of them are people that bring stress into your life, forget about them. If the dress is refundable (or if you're willing to refund her for it), then let her go!  So what if she's been your best friend since 10th grade, she's not being your best friend now.  And if she's acting like this, do you really think that the friendship is going to last?  Do you want to look back at wedding photos and regret that she's standing next up there with you, knowing that she was bitter about the whole thing?  It's not her decision, it's yours.  Because I am sure she wouldn't be as graceful if this were her wedding.
Posted by jeffplusclaraequalslove[/QUOTE]
Because it's short-sighted and bad advice.

MISSLYNNEA

I am the type of person who would confront her. I would tell her that she agreed to the price, you didn't force her to get the dress. And if she doesn't quite bitching, she can just stay out of the wedding. It might not be the nicest approach, but she's ruining your special occasion. 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:ea856d21-ca78-486c-86ea-eb7b8b2c63c1">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the type of person who would confront her. I would tell her that she agreed to the price, you didn't force her to get the dress. And if she doesn't quite bitching, she can just stay out of the wedding. It might not be the nicest approach, but she's ruining your special occasion. 
Posted by MISSLYNNEA[/QUOTE]
No she's not.

peach451

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:9f3ecaf8-1d98-4d84-9d92-9ccf73c803b0">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nasty BM : Expensive??? I wanna live in your city! LOL...$200 is the cheapest for a bridesmaid dress in my city. :( I asked my girls about 10 times if they're ok with the dress costs. I feel so bad but they said it's fine.
Posted by reason00[/QUOTE]

Haha, I agree with this poster. I spent more than $200 just on my shoes. Although, what I did for the BM dresses was find a simple one that was easy to copy and sent it back to the Philippines with my mom, hehe.

To OP - I'm sorry to hear about your BM issues. I agree with most people - have a heart to heart with her and see how she's feeling. And maybe try to mention how she's been making you feel.

heyimbren

I'm side-eyeing all of these new posters commenting on this thread.

There are no WP "responsibilities". Just because it's your "most life changing day EVARRR" doesn't mean you get to stress other people out with it.

I can't even remember what the OP was about, but all of this attitude about "my day, my day, you need to do what I want" really needs to stop. Your day will be special because you're marrying someone you love, not because everyone showed up the dress you wanted to wear and jumped how high you asked them to jump.

You don't need expensive designer "bridal party" dresses. In the end it doesn't matter. Stop drooling over bridal websites, and go to the mall if budget is a concern.

Was the BM a little bit rude? Yeah she was. But people don't usually come out that rude out of nowhere. Usually there's more backstory to it which is what a lot of posters were trying to say.

duggan12

I work in a bridal shop that handles BM dresses as well. depending on the designer and the type of fabric all those costs seem reasonable. We will hold a dress that is paid for in the store for as much time as needed but we do require that the dress paid in full prior to any alterations. While i agree those things she has said are horrible I would recomend talking to her. we had that situation come up recently and it turned out the BM had her hours cut at work so money was tight. But it sounds like youve done a goog lob of laying out options for them. And if she is jealous just go back to being her friend and wait on the wedding stuff until you guys have this figured out. let her know she hurt you. best of luck

jacquelineh9019

Why did they order the dresses so soon? That seems like a long time out to be doing that. I honestly would have probably dropped her from the wedding. I'm considering dropping my entire party, not because they are being like that, but because I don't want to put such financial pressure on them.

mishkamichelle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:36d0c702-ecc6-4cf2-9b64-aa40351f00cc">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Yowza, that's an expensive dress + alterations.  Did you individually ask your BMs for their budgets before you chose the dress?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Expensive?  I have been in 5 weddings and this is definitely an average price for a dress with alterations.  When agreeing to be a bridesmaid, one must think of all the expensesthat will be incurred.  It is better to say no, then to be the bitch that this person's BM is being!

I feel for you lady :)

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nasty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d58b813a-97eb-45fe-9b79-ee75058aba05Post:c00ca42d-4bd2-4e49-a945-b476b4b3b34b">Re: Nasty BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nasty BM : Expensive?  I have been in 5 weddings and this is definitely an average price for a dress with alterations.  When agreeing to be a bridesmaid, one must think of all the expensesthat will be incurred.  It is better to say no, then to be the bitch that this person's BM is being! I feel for you lady :)
Posted by mishkamichelle[/QUOTE]
It's basic manners to clear the price with the BMs before you tell them what the cost will be.  Since when is it being a biitch to say, "This costs too much."  If your BMs have to save up to be in your wedding, your wedding costs them too much and you need to either find something cheaper or pay the difference.  <div>
</div><div>You'll go far in life if you don't just blindly repeat what for-profit wedding magazines and websites tell you, by the by.</div>

larley-boo

Wow, she's really pushing it!

First thing's first, you've tried to help her as much as possible. I mean, if it was too expensive, she would have told you straight in the first place, before the dresses were even ordered.

The thing is, you've been TOO nice to her; put bluntly, she might well be feeling jealous and to kick up a fuss would be the best way to take the attention away from you, the bride.

So, take her to one side, stay calm and talk to her about it. For you to get heated with her is just what she's after-don't give her the satfisfaction.
Just tell her outright that no matter how much she sulks, stamps her feet like a spoiled brat and no matter how much trouble she stirs, you're still going to be a married woman, you're still going to have the best day ever and it'll all be with or without her if she can't pull herself together.
She shouldn't have agreed to the dress if she knew she couldnt afford it. To be honest though, for her to throw your offer back in your face just suggests she's only doing to cause aggravation for you.
Just ignore her chick-you've bigger things to worry about.

gelbwizwer

Dont let you BM stress you out or make you feel bad. She was ok with the dress in the first place and timeline you set on her. She's know for months that she needed the money saved for the dress...if it was something she couldn't do in that time frame she should have told you.

Good luck

elizabethangel

  I feel like no one is hitting this topic head-on. She MAY have financial troubles, or stress, or sour grapes, or something else going on.... but the real issue seems to me to be that she's been speaking hurtful, negative words over a loving, festive occassion. This would hurt me too. I don't know if I could/would tolerate that for nine months either. I would feel so defeated and sad.
  Whatever her issues are, she is being hurtful. I probably wouldn't be able to decide whether or not to tolerate it until I had a conversation with her about #1, how much her words are hurting the joy and frustrating my life; and #2, the exact type of support I need from her going forward.
   If I say, "I need positive, loving people on my team. I need you to commit to bracing me emotionally too by saying only loving, affirming things," and she says "well, I can't do that because.... (money, stress, baggage, etc)" I very well may say, "thank you for your honesty, I respect and value your friendship so much, but I will certainly look for someone else then, in light of your response; and because I so need to keep this wedding joyful." And then do, regardless of how much money she's already put in. Believe me, she's put in a lot less money now than she will have in eight more months. Better to "cut" her now, than continue to bleed out emotionally, then freak out and fire her at the last minute.

    Now, on the other hand, if this is a long standing dynamic between the two of you, and you know her to be cynical/sardonic/slightly negative, then you likely can handle it. Just help yourself by venting here or meditating on not taking it personally, or brush it off like you would have if this were not the most intensely planned year of your life.
 
    You can do this. She is being hurtful. You are hurt. Decide if you can take it or not and communicate.
   
    Blessings and luck!

luckyshanna

Have you thought that maybe she has something going on like an addiction of some sorts? I had a best friend and of coure we always talked about our future weddings. Well, when my time was getting closer to getting super serious with my mate, she was barely around, she was a b***h all the time that I did see her, and then out of the blue(we also, worked together), she did a false refund on my cash register for $248.00 and also tried to pin it on me when confronted. Turned out she had picked up a cocaine habit over the last few weeks. Your situation may be different, just wanted to shed light on another possibility to help you figure it out. But, if I were you, I would get in touch with inner bridezilla, get right to her face , tell her if she can't get over whatever bug has crawled up her behind or grow up and get it together, she doesn't have to be part of your wedding, you do not need her to get through this day, and if she get shi**y w/ you, tell her to hit the pavement. Isn't that the same advice you would give your friend? Who in their right mind would let 1 miserable person ruin one day you have been looking forward to your whole life? Not I.

mcornelissen

I agree, maybe she did not budget for the dress this soon? But the coffee idea sounds really good. It might even be something like her health etc. Does she have kids?  I do think she is a bit out of line calling your wedding sh*t tho.