Wedding Party Problem Solved

Sydney91

I've noticed a lot of people talking about problems with friends and the final picks for the wedding party. My issue is solved, but I feel like posting (my fiance received Skyrim for Christmas so he's unavailable for chitchat until he beats the game). I declined to include my best friend in my wedding party. Why: she is prone to leaving the country unexpectedly for yet another course at YWAM in Colorado and can't manage her money to save her life (she's asked me for money - donations, not loans - twice in the past year but has money for Starbucks and Tim Horton's).

I chose two men that lately I have seen much more often than my best friend that is in Colorado more often than not. My third member of the wedding party is a woman (only one in the wedding party). Since I am in university and my best friend is from my hometown a few hours away, she doesn't know anyone else that would be in the wedding party. We picked our party to reflect the people we party with all the time (a good chunk of the wedding party have been or are roommates).

My friend was deeply hurt by my decision. I still want her there in a way, but would much prefer my entire wedding party to get along and my man of honour has already planned the buck and doe (bachelor and bachelorette parties together) for the strippers and I don't  think my deeply religious best friend will quite go for this (she makes Sheldon's mother from Big Bang Theory look Atheist). To make up for leaving her out, I am getting her input on the plans since this was what she was most looking forward to. I have two bridesmen that think helping me choose my wedding dress will kill them or at least give them brain damage/life-threatening wounds. I do not want to add my best friend into the wedding party since I can't trust her to be in the country (I don't want to interfere with her "education" at YWAM). The inclusion in the planning is helping and we've kept our friendship, though it's a little beat up. I'm taking her on a road trip to catch up in a few days since she made it back to Canada just before Christmas and she's asked to help me dress shop. Fine by me! She knows she won't be getting into the wedding party by helping me (I explicitly stated that to her) and I could use her input. There are a limited number of girls around me - both FH and I have 0 siblings and only a few, mostly male, cousins. I really hope I keep this friendship intact for the next year and a half and avoid annoying drama.

I'd love to hear how other people have handled similar situations.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I have two brides men  that think helping me choose my wedding dress will kill them or at least give them brain damage/life-threatening wounds. <div>Posted by Sydney91[/QUOTE]

</div><div>This made me lol.  No wonder!  They have decades of history telling their entire gender fear exactly that if a woman asks how she looks in a dress.  It's what my FI calls, "a bear trap question."  Hehe, this just tickles me.
</div>

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-problem-solved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e46e643d-8eb0-4972-81f4-99a0be9af03ePost:bceb75f2-4bd7-4b2a-ae1e-f5be74a87000">Wedding Party Problem Solved</a>:
[QUOTE]I've noticed a lot of people talking about problems with friends and the final picks for the wedding party. My issue is solved, but I feel like posting (my fiance received Skyrim for Christmas so he's unavailable for chitchat until he beats the game). I declined to include my best friend in my wedding party. <strong>Why: she is prone to leaving the country unexpectedly for yet another course at YWAM in Colorado and can't manage her money to save her life </strong>(she's asked me for money - donations, not loans - twice in the past year but has money for Starbucks and Tim Horton's).

I chose two men that lately I have seen much more often than my best friend that is in Colorado more often than not. My third member of the wedding party is a woman (only one in the wedding party). Since I am in university and my best friend is from my hometown a few hours away, <strong>she doesn't know anyone else that would be in the wedding party.</strong> We picked our party to reflect the people we party with all the time (a good chunk of the wedding party have been or are roommates).

<strong>My friend was deeply hurt by my decision.</strong> I still want her there in a way, but would much prefer my entire wedding party to get along and my man of honour has already planned the buck and doe (bachelor and bachelorette parties together) for the strippers and I don't  think my <strong>deeply religious best friend will quite go for this</strong> (she makes Sheldon's mother from Big Bang Theory look Atheist).

<strong>To make up for leaving her out, I am getting her input on the plans since this was what she was most looking forward to.</strong> I have two brides men  that think helping me choose my wedding dress will kill them or at least give them brain damage/life-threatening wounds. I do not want to add my best friend into the wedding party since I can't trust her to be in the country (I don't want to interfere with her <strong>"education"</strong> at YWAM). The inclusion in the planning is helping and we've kept our friendship, though it's a little beat up. I'm taking her on a road trip to catch up in a few days since she made it back to Canada just before Christmas and she's asked to help me dress shop. Fine by me!

<strong>She knows she won't be getting into the wedding party by helping me (I explicitly stated that to her)</strong> and I could use her input. There are a limited number of girls around me - both FH and I have 0 siblings and only a few, mostly male, cousins. I really hope I keep this friendship intact for the next year and a half and avoid annoying drama. I'd love to hear how other people have handled similar situations.
Posted by Sydney91[/QUOTE]

1. I would be inclined to still ask if she truly is still your best friend. If she would have to leave the country, the she would have to leave. But really how unexpected are the trips? Like, "PACK NOW?" Unlikely, but I really don't know.

2. How she manages her money is not your business and a really crappy reason to not ask her to be in your wedding. You shouldn't base your wedding party on who can afford to buy a better dress or whatever.

3. Again, another crappy reason. Whether or not she knows anyone else in the wedding party is unimportant. She knows YOU, and if she was truly your best friend, you'd probably want her to stand up with you--and vice versa. Who cares if she knows anyone else in the party?

4. I see why she was deeply hurt.

5. ANOTHER bad reason (this is getting better and better as I read it). She can decline going to the bachelorette party or whatnot. Just because she is in the wedding party doesn't mean she HAS to go.

6. You asking her opinion on things might be rubbing her nose in it. Just a thought. If she was truly deeply hurt...I wouldn't discuss the wedding for a while.

7. "Education?" Why the quotes? This seems a little judgy to me.

8. I stopped reading at the last bolded comment, because it was so gross it literally made my stomach turn.

This is like a list of what not to do to a best friend.

Viczaesar

Ditto Stacey.  I think you made the wrong decision and are being nasty to your friend.

GretchenLaRoux

Wow. I feel really awful for your "friend" if this is the behavior she has to deal with. You sound awesome.

RebeccaB88

I wouldn't want to be in your wedding either.

lindseyann410

"We picked our wedding party to reflect who we party with all the time."

This sounds like an awesome way to pick your attendants. 

You say she's your best friend. Why would you want to get married without your best friend by your side?   I don't understand why you expect her to help you after you've hurt her like that.  Way to think long term here.

Sydney91

I wish I had expressed myself more clearly. This was not a perfect situation. I talked to a lot of people about what to do and how to deal with the problems that I knew would arise. I followed my father's advice: he told me to make my picks, wait for my friend to get curious, and answer any questions she had, and ask any questions I wanted to ask. The basic of this was communicate. I'm not focussed on me and the one perfect day. I did not sit her down and tell her that she was not going to part of my wedding party. She asked if I had my bridesmaids, and I said I did. She asked why she wasn't picked. I told her the truth: we're not as close as we used to be and my friends where I am living now have been with my fiance and I from the start of our relationship. She said that made sense since she has not met my fiance yet. She also mentioned that it stung and we talked it out right then and there. We still consider ourselves to be best friends, but we both have vast circles of friends and don't prescribe to the cliquey, glued-at-the-hip definition of best friends. Rather we grew up together, kept each other in line and defended each other when we needed defending. We're growing up and growing apart (we're twenty years old). We are slowly becoming a part of each others' pasts and new friends are taking over. It's a part of life and my decision reflects this. Yes, she is my friend now, but we have never under the delusion that we will be friends for life. She wouldn't have me in her wedding party either when she nearly got married about a year-and-half ago. We were closer than we are now, but that was her decision and I had no control over it, so there was no sense in taking it personally. If I had, it would have hurt like hell and wrecked our friendship. In the grand scheme of things, being or not being in a wedding party is pretty small potatoes. My friend has bigger fish to fry than my insignificant wedding. I'm glad you are all willing to defend her, but she's capable of doing that all on her own. Her and I are rough-and-tumble women that are not afraid to punch somebody out. After her boyfriend/fiance hit her the first and only time, he was running scared because she doesn't take crap from anyone. If she was still pissed at me, she would have said so with her fist. We're from the country and can relate to a lot of what Jeff Foxworthy talked about on his country music countdown. Simply put, we're rednecks from the boonies.

Happy New Year. Enjoy 2012!!

Sydney91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-problem-solved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e46e643d-8eb0-4972-81f4-99a0be9af03ePost:f8aae304-741f-4402-ad38-52dae2d4f95c">Re: Wedding Party Problem Solved</a>:
[QUOTE]Never pick people because you think they'll hang out and become best pals.  The only thing they have in common is you.  It's doubtful they'll continue to see each other past the wedding date, and enforced gatherings and friendships are excruciatingly boring for a wedding party member.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Exactly. Why should I ask my friend to be a part of the wedding party where the other members are all friends and roommates?

lindseyann410

When are you getting married?  Life after college is vastly different, and the people you "party" with aren't necessarily going to be the people that will be there for you after you graduate.

Sydney91

I just got back from a road trip with this friend of mine. It was a twelve hour drive round trip and we were actually a lot better friends than we have been in ages. She dragged me into the bridal shops and we looked at a bunch of dresses and modelled some for each other that we thought were absolutely hideous. Great day! So when I said the problem was solved, I really did know what I was talking about. I'm glad everyone was quick to defend someone they thought was not being treated properly, but you ladies were unfortunately not flies on the walls for the past 15 years to oversee our relationship and learn our tells and personalities. Has anyone else solved any of their wedding party problems and wishes to share about their experience?