Please Help...

abelch2

I am getting married in 45 days.  My girls dresses come in in 10 days. 

I had my shower about a month ago and one of my bridesmaid came and left the shower early and never told me she was leaving.  I called her later and she said she just had to go.

I just had my bachelorette party last weekend and the same bridesmaids came and then left after being there for about 3 hours.  She then came back the next day around 3:00 and hung out with everyone.  That night, after a night of drinking she then decided to talk about me behind my back to my other bridesmaid, who then told me what she said.  The stuff she said hurt me.  She said she didnt consider us close friends, which I obviously do, because I asked her to be in my wedding.  And she said she was worried about me getting married because she doesnt think the guy I am marrying is right for me.  This guy was my best friend growing up and we dated for 5 years.  I know that doesn't prove to anyone that he's right for me, however, there is no reason he isnt right for me. 

I confronted my bridesmaid on all this and she just got very angry, never denied anything, she just started to badmouth all the other girls.  What should I do?  My gut is telling me to ask her to step down?  But I don't have the courage to do it...
What would you do...advice?

Lisa8888

If she is upsetting you this much, get rid of her. Doesn't take a whole lot of courage. Just open your mouth and say it. Don't debate it. End the conversation after you inform her.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89c2437-143e-459f-829b-5e5230664584Post:4d33e8e5-2150-4193-99f5-0d3c442dc85d">Please Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in 45 days.  My girls dresses come in in 10 days.  I had my shower about a month ago and one of my bridesmaid came and left the shower early and never told me she was leaving.  I called her later and she said she just had to go. I just had my bachelorette party last weekend and the same bridesmaids came and then left after being there for about 3 hours.  She then came back the next day around 3:00 and hung out with everyone.  That night, after a night of drinking she then decided to talk about me behind my back to my other bridesmaid, who then told me what she said.  The stuff she said hurt me.  She said she didnt consider us close friends, which I obviously do, because I asked her to be in my wedding.  And she said she was worried about me getting married because she doesnt think the guy I am marrying is right for me.  This guy was my best friend growing up and we dated for 5 years.  I know that doesn't prove to anyone that he's right for me, however, there is no reason he isnt right for me.  I confronted my bridesmaid on all this and she just got very angry, never denied anything, she just started to badmouth all the other girls.  What should I do?  My gut is telling me to ask her to step down?  But I don't have the courage to do it... What would you do...advice?
Posted by abelch2[/QUOTE]

<div>I would not ask her to step down unless you want to end the friendship. Asking someone to step down is a very public insult, and whether or not she said these things, it's best for you to either let it go, or say that your feelings are hurt and again, move on. Most of the time, when girls come on here saying "my bm talked about me behind my back" we tell them to ignore and just wait for yourself to hear the actual bm say these things, but since you've already gone in there and confronted her about it, it's too late for that. </div><div>
</div><div>It doesn't matter if she didn't deny saying these things. The more important thing is that it's very apparent from what you wrote that she doesn't support your marriage for whatever reason. </div><div>
</div><div>You can't demote her without making yourself look bad. Yes, even to the other bms, YOU will be the one who looks bad. The best thing to do at this point is to give this girl the needed info for the dress, time to show up, and leave it at that. If she doesn't show up with the dress on the day of, she has removed HERSELF. </div>

bablingbrooke

Honestly, sounds like the BM is uncomfortable at these pre-wedding parties and/or is going through some personal problems that you aren't aware of.  Rather than focus on how this affects you, how about you ask her how she's doing?  Leave the wedding out of it completely.

Confronting her was a bad idea.  Why not just talk to her?  Confronting her put her on the defensive and made any meaningful conversation impossible.  For all you know the other BMs really were mean to her for some reason, or were leaving her out, or something like that.  Maybe something small happened and she blew it out of proportion.  But now she isn't going to tell you and will just deny everything.

I know I would never tell a good friend that she shouldn't marry someone unless I had a really good reason for doing so.  I wonder if that's the case here.  Have you heard her out on this?  Does she potentially have a good reason?  Dating someone forever doesn't necessarily make for a good marriage.

Finally, her leaving these events early is hardly a war crime.  Maybe it's a plea for attention, maybe something more.  Rude?  Yes.  Something you should talk to her about?  Yes.  Indicative of larger issues?  Probably.  But a friendship-ending move?  Hardly.  Only one of my BMs could come to my shower and my MOH didn't go to the bach party.  I didn't hold it against anyone and neither should you.

Manwaithiel

You need some serious friendship talk. Discuss her life, maybe just grab a coffee and talk about something that does not = wedding.

If the conversation turns to your wedding by HER mentioning something about being uncomfortable with it etc. listen to her concerns. As far as your FI is concerned, maybe she has reasons, but if it's not really swaying you one way or the other, politely let her know that you think it's going to work out for the best and you appreciate her input, but this is the best decision for you.

If she talks about the other girls or something about not wanting to be in the WP then your reply should be "I love you, and if you just want to attend the wedding as a guest and would feel better that way, that's fine. If you want to be in my WP still, that's great too. I don't want the friendship ending over this wedding. Just let me know what YOU want to do and promise we will still be friends." Leave it entirely up to her. This should be something SHE brings up not you. Don't manipulate the conversation to include this tid bit. I'm just saying that if she doesn't really want to participate anymore, it will come out while you're talking about the root issues instead of the symptoms (leaving early, bad mouthing, etc.).

suz62984

I agree with PPs. There isn't really a way for you to demote her without making yourself look bad and ending the friendship. Everybody, everywhere talks about people behind their backs. I'm sure at some point you talked behind her back. No, it might not have been as bad, but it does happen. Just try to let things go. She might step down from the wedding on her own. Honestly, I kinda wonder why she agreed to be in the wedding in the first place if she didn't support the marriage.

mbcdefg

You can't boot her from your wedding for leaving your parties early. That's not a crime.

Also, you can't boot her just because of what someone else said that she said. How do you know that the other BM isn't lying to you, or bending the truth a bit? It sounds like these BMs might not get along, so for all you know this is a cruel plot to try and get this girl kicked out of your wedding.

If you want to remain friends with her, TALK to her. Don't just run in and start accusing her of things that she very well may not have done.

If you want to end the friendship, boot her (don't "ask her to step down," because you're not asking ... "asking" means that she has the option to refuse your request). But I think it'd be mighty stupid to throw away a longstanding friendship just because of a bunch of gossip.

CTGirl30

She came to both your shower & bach party - when attendance at pre-wedding events is not mandatory for BMs. The point being, she came for as long as she could to both. She even came back the next night after the bach to hang out some more - the night of the "talking behind your back." While it may hurt to find out that a friend has said some negative things about you to another friend, it's not the end of the world. And we have ALL talked about friends at one point or another. If you haven't, then you may be the most virtuous woman ever. ;-)

I think you should have had a conversation with her - not a confrontation, which immediately puts people on edge and makes them defensive. This would have been an opportunity to clear the air and communicate about what happened. But when you essentially come out of the gate accusing someone (even if it ends up being true that she spoke poorly of you) - it doesn't set the stage for productive dialogue.

I would like to know her reasons behind why she thinks you and your FI are not a good match. One of the girls who is a good friend of mine and was a BM in our wedding initially didn't take to my DH, and then-FI.  She was the only friend of mine who ever expressed a negative opinion of him and she had nothing to base it on other than her own suspicious nature of guys in general (she hasn't had the best track record with dating and admits to having trust issues with men and people in general). Over the year we were engaged, she got to know my now-husband better and did a 180. She gave a beautiful toast at our wedding that both my DH and I appreciated very much. So sometimes there isn't a basis in reality for a friends' concerns but I do think it's worth it to hear them out, as well. There might be something she's seeing that you're not and wouldn't you want to give her the chance to let you know?  You always have the right to take her opinion with a grain of salt if you find it to be ungrounded.

PeonyPrincesskdd

Just let it go.  Have her stay in the wedding party since the dresses are already ordered and everything, and she didn't do anything super cruel or evil like hurt one of your loved ones physically or spray paint your wedding dress, or sleep with your FI. 

Friends can be moody and bi*chy and all that and go through strange phases/ ups and downs like this.  Who knows what her deal is.  I don't know.  But the best advice is to put on a super big smile and pretend that nothing is bothering you.. because it shouldn't.  You are going to get married to the wonderful man you love.  ........

one thing though. Once the wedding is over and done with I wouldn't initiate any calls or plans to meet up etc.  I would like to see if this girl is a real friend and wants to continue to be a part of your life. 

I would be curious to see if she calls you or asks you how was the honeymoon or says lets hang out.  You may consider this friend a close friend, but she stated that she didn't think you were a close friend of hers.  It's not mutual therefore in the end, the friendship may not last. 

It was her fault for even saying yes if she didn't think you were a close friend.  But the fact is she did say yes, so she is in your WP and with 45 days til your wedding, you can't kick her out

abelch2

Thank you Peony, your post made the most sense. 

I think I explained myself incorrectly in my initial post, which I don't need to explain to an extent, so I believe some people have the wrong impression of me (if you can have an impression of someone off the internet).  All I said was I confronted her, I didn't accuse her, when I confroted her, she never denied anything, she said she said it all.  Then she explained the reasoning for the not supporting the marriage, it's because we are both stubborn and she doesn't think the marriage with last with our personalities.  I don't find that a very good reason. 

But thank you all for your imput.

bablingbrooke

Just know that if you don't post the "whole story", you can't get upset with people for not knowing the whole story.  People can only respond to what you write on here.

Belle2Be

I wouldn't want someone standing up by me during my wedding if he/she didn't support us getting married. I don't understand the whole "You'll look bad if you kick her out", if your bridesmaids are your closest friends, then they will understand.