Feeling Left Out

renee.himes.osu

well i can say from experience that as happy as my friends are to get married they were so excited that they were nervous... they loved that my bf (now FI) was there with them to hug and laugh the nerves away and as much as I missed my bf and wanted to be with him after 3 weeks apart.. i was happy that he was there with his friend to celebrate with him.

i am just lucky that all of our friends agree and plan to do this in their wedding or have already done it for their wedding.  The S/Os are social enough beings to have fun on their own and they are all friends with each other anyway.  (they don't cry in bathrooms or bitch about being without their S/O.. they have a blast hanging out with the big group of friends)

my friends don't see it as a sacrifice.. they are excited to be with us during the day.. and are looking forward to all of the details.. we are just the type of people who are very down to earth.. always in a good mood and ready to have fun.. no sacrifice at all.. just a celebration

maybe brides like you aren't so lucky to have a group of friends so loving and giving to each other.  we rely on each other for everything and i can give to them a lot of my time and energy with considering it a sacrifice cuz they will do the same for me in a heart beat.

bablingbrooke

Wow.  There's no need to lash out at me.  And no, DH and I have wonderful friends who made our wedding fantastic.  We wanted them to enjoy themselves as much as possible and thought NOT splitting them up from their SOs was a good way to do that. It's not like we didn't see them at all during the reception.  Quite the opposite, actually.

If I'd asked them to sit apart from their SOs, I know they would have.  But there was no NEED to do it.  So why do it?  For the ceremony, there was a NEED for them to not sit with their SOs. That does not extend to the reception.  

Your friends may tell you to your face that they're happy, but I'm willing to bet behind your back they're saying they're not.  There's no reason to split people up.  None.  You won't be taking photos of dinner.  You won't be missing them if they sit with their SOs.  YOU are being selfish. 

gigipurr84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:65cd99f4-710a-462c-a630-17a8fb2faaa8">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with (almost) everyone's opinion about the WP duties and the head table.  A bride and groom are going through a life changing experience and they want their friends/family to be there to support and enjoy the moments with.  If I was close enough to someone to be in their WP, then I would want to be there for all the important moments (the nervous excitement of getting ready, the immediate celebration afterward, etc).  I think S/O distract the WP which isn't fair to the B&G. During a time my BF and I were long distance, he stood up in a friend's wedding.  The wedding was on a Friday night and I didn't get to talk to him until after dinner - it had been 3 weeks since I saw him last- and I was 100% fine with it.  Kevin was there for his friend on this important day and if I was right there, I would have completely monopolized his time.   My sister and I our getting married 8 weeks apart (we are each others MOH) and our boys will either sit at the parents' table or with their own parents (who will be invited)- still working out the details.  Both boys are completely fine with "being left out."  They understand and are fully capable of having fun that day. Let me be clear that I am all about being a good host and spending a big portion of the budget on the things that will make the guests happy (food, music, prepaid shuttles, etc).  I am going out of my way to make everything go smoothly for my WP (trays of Subway before the wedding, emergency kits, free night stay at my mom's large house IF they want to avoid the hotel cost, etc).  I am even helping supply the alcohol and snacks for the hotel after party (that they have after all of the weddings).  This being said, I hope they will be there for me that day when I need them most.   I am my sisters MOH- and I will devote my energy all day to making things easier for her and being there to share in all the memories.  As soon as dinner is over, Kevin and I will have a great time dancing the night away on the dance floor right along side my sis and her husband! Sorry it was long- the earlier comments really pissed me off.  Don't agree to stand up in a wedding if you care more about where you eat and whether your S/O can survive without you. As far as pics: I really like the idea of some pics with and some without.  My BF and I were together for 4 years at the time of his cousin's wedding.  Out of respect to the B&G, I told his mom I planned to stay out of the the pics- even though we were talking about getting married and were engaged just 4 months later.
Posted by renee.himes.osu@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this! Someone is on my side! I too am doing everything I can to make guests comfortable: lots of food, full bar, photobooth, gift bags, hosptiality basket, brunch while getting ready, etc. It is NOT RUDE to have a traditional head table, especially if no one in your WP has any issues about it. I know my family would be disappointed if we didn't have one. Especially my 94 year old grandmother who is paying for everything! What is worse- Pissing off your family or just not stiitng WP's SO's together? I will probably say something to the WP's dates like, "Sorry you two had to be separated, but I am sure you will get to dance together a lot after dinner." My friends are down to earth and supportive mature enough that they wouldn't bitch about not sitting with their SO for 45 minutes. Besides, the few dates that the WP will bring know all of our other friends, so I will just sit them together.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:349732ec-f1d9-4a15-9571-93c6bbb941a5">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling Left Out : Thanks for this! Someone is on my side! I too am doing everything I can to make guests comfortable: lots of food, full bar, photobooth, gift bags, hosptiality basket, brunch while getting ready, etc. <div>
</div><div><em>Not everything.  Refusing to seat people with their dates is much more important than a photobooth, gift bags, or all that other crap.  It's a fundamental, like food and drink.  </em></div><div>
</div><div>It is NOT RUDE to have a traditional head table, especially if no one in your WP has any issues about it. </div><div>
</div><div><em>Actually, yes, it is incredibly rude.  If you pick up an etiquette book, it will tell you that separating guests from their dates is rude.  You may not care enough about your friends to care if you are being rude to them, but you are.  </em></div><div>
</div><div>I know my family would be disappointed if we didn't have one. </div><div>
</div><div><em>Hahahaha</em><em>, this is just laughable.  There are plenty of ways to have seating that you aren't rude to your special guests.  I seriously doubt your grandmother is going to be upset if you decide to properly accommodate your </em><em>WP</em><em>. </em> </div><div>
</div><div>Especially my 94 year old grandmother who is paying for everything! What is worse- Pissing off your family or just not stiitng WP's SO's together? I will probably say something to the WP's dates like, "Sorry you two had to be separated, but I am sure you will get to dance together a lot after dinner." My friends are down to earth and supportive mature enough that they wouldn't bitch about not sitting with their SO for 45 minutes. Besides, the few dates that the WP will bring know all of our other friends, so I will just sit them together.</div><div><em>
</em></div><div><em>Add all the contrived justifications you want.  This is still rude.  Your friends may forgive you for it, but it doesn't mean you are right for doing this.  Deep down, you know it's wrong, and that's why you have to apologize to your friends for doing this to them.  But, I guess a photo op is more important to you than making your friends happy and comfortable.  If that's your thing, whatever.  But don't try to pretend that it's the right thing to do.</em>
Posted by gigipurr84[/QUOTE]

</div>

banana468

I'm dismayed at those who continue to make excuses for splitting up established couples at the wedding reception.

There is NO EXCUSE for doing so.  Your grandparents might be paying, your friends might be used to this, and the last fifteen weddings you have seen may have done this.

That DOES NOT make it acceptable to split up couples for dinner.

How stressful is a meal that you need the support of your BMs to help you through it?  I was able to cut my steak with my own knife and fork at my wedding thankyouverymuch.

It's so unfortunate that others are continuing to make up bogus reasons to do this to their wedding party and the snide comments that go along with the reasons are equally disheartening.

bablingbrooke

Head tables are not traditional.  I bet your parents and grandparents didn't have them. 

banana468

And if my parents pulled the funding because I was being nice to my wedding party, I'd happily let them keep their money.  I wasn't about to be coerced into some seating arrangement that split up my wedding party from their dates.

banana468

Jorholbrook, I think many people have seen head tables but that's not really a reason to repeat them.

Please do keep in mind that "just for dinner" is still quite some time when you factor in the cocktail hour and full on dinner.

And please don't use the "there will be photos" as a reason that you don't want the significant others there.  Photos CAN'T be more important than treating all your guests well.

And FWIW, I've been to many weddings and there are hardly any photos taken while the wedding party is eating.  If you truly want photos with the wedding party while you're seated, then get them.   The SOs can stand up for a moment.

But splitting them isn't very nice.

bablingbrooke

1.  Your WP's SOs probably aren't strangers to you.  

2.  Nobody takes pictures of the head table during dinner.

3.  It's rude to split people up when you don't have to, and for this you don't have to.  

If I have to repeat things one more time I'm going to go crazy.

ks3pink

I think all of this telling people where to sit is a little out there anyway.  There are tables, people are smart they know how to sit.  This would completely end the stress that apparently gets put on people.  I've been to all different kinds of weddings and have yet to be told where to sit, I know its pretty popular but I personally think is just one more thing a bride doesn't need to worry about.  We have enough on our plate, Agreed?

renee.himes.osu

Well I just want to give people another perspective (comments taken directly from people in our WP)-  the head table is a way to honor your most important guests. It's another way they stand out besides the wedding attire.
To add my WP dates we would have to do 2 head tables and it would crowd the area of the parents' tables which wouldn't be fair to the parents.
If you have a WP full of people who don't know each other & with dates who don't know each other- I can see the reason behind getting rid of the head table.  For many, the head table is still very appropriate.
At a previous wedding, there was one date of the WP that was upset she wasn't with her BF (she didn't know us well at the time).  We saw she was a little uncomfortable and everyone at the table made an effort to include her on all of the conversations.  The next thing you know - she is jumping into photobooth with us (even without the BF) and we are all much closer as a result.
At my wedding, we are doing pics before the wedding and as soon as church pics are over (like 20 minutes) the WP/dates/friends are heading off to the hotel for some drinks (which the we are providing) while the H & I take a few alone photos.  They can mingle together for cocktail hour and will be apart for a whopping 1.5-2 hours for dinner at a table nearby with friends they know.
I think what bothered me so much about the previous posts I read was how everyone sounded like guestzillas.
[Ks3pink: it would be lovely to not worry about a seating chart, but my venue requires one and my guests expect one; but ooo the hours I could save ]

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:9fddd673-159e-421f-a23c-2ae4c61eba30">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well I just want to give people another perspective (comments taken directly from people in our WP)-  </strong> <strong>the head table is a way to honor your most important guests.</strong> <strong>It's another way they stand out besides the wedding attire</strong>.
Posted by renee.himes.osu@gmail.com[/QUOTE]


I always find this funny:

HONORED GUESTS:  as an honored guest you get to wear an outfit you are most likely never wear again.  Sometimes it's even more expensive than you would normally spend on an outfit.  You are not allowed to sit with your SO. 

NORMAL GUESTS:   as a normal guests you  get to pick out your own outfit at whatever  price you want to spend and  you get to sit with your SO.

It seems to me that normal guests get more respect than honored guests.

for the record.  My family always had head tables.  I went againist the norm and my wedding party thanked me so much for letting them sit with their SO.  If we had a head table they would have dealt.  But I started a new trend that says honored guests should get the same treatment as non-honored guests and be able to sit with their SO. 

gigipurr84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:d40a418c-b307-41ee-a302-99703d4f6e1a">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]I think all of this telling people where to sit is a little out there anyway.  There are tables, people are smart they know how to sit.  This would completely end the stress that apparently gets put on people.  I've been to all different kinds of weddings and have yet to be told where to sit, I know its pretty popular but I personally think is just one more thing a bride doesn't need to worry about.  We have enough on our plate, Agreed?
Posted by ks3pink[/QUOTE]

This may seem like a good idea, to give guests choices, but you gotta watch because if you have a limited number of space or seats. If you have just enough chairs for everyone, people aren't going to take up all the seats at each table without someone telling them which table to sit at. If it is a more causal wedding with lost of room and chairs, then this would work.

I don't think sweetheart tables are a bad idea, but the head table is commonplace, and it is silly that people would consider this tradition rude. If you have the space and ability to do the sweetheart thing, then go for it. I haven't completely ruled it out, but just figured the head table would be easier.

banana468

I don't know that the head table is "easier" either.

More and more weddings just do not have them.  It's just as easy to seat 6 or 8 at a round - and it's possibly even easier to seat guests there than at one giant table.

The other solution:  Have a sweetheart table and then seat NEAR your WP where they're seated at a king table. 

renee.himes.osu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:4e88249d-b259-4cea-8945-68d22075491b">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling Left Out : I always find this funny: HONORED GUESTS:  as an honored guest you get to wear an outfit you are most likely never wear again.  Sometimes it's even more expensive than you would normally spend on an outfit.  You are not allowed to sit with your SO.  NORMAL GUESTS:   as a normal guests you  get to pick out your own outfit at whatever  price you want to spend and  you get to sit with your SO. It seems to me that normal guests get more respect than honored guests. for the record.  My family always had head tables.  I went againist the norm and my wedding party thanked me so much for letting them sit with their SO.  If we had a head table they would have dealt.  But I started a new trend that says honored guests should get the same treatment as non-honored guests and be able to sit with their SO. 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Let us forget the rehearsal dinner and WP gifts.  This should be an important part of the budget as a way to thank the WP (although there are never enough thank yous)</div><div>
</div><div>I was not asked to be in the WP for my brother's wedding.  I couldn't tell you how <em>left out</em> my sister and I felt.  My mom bought us expensive dresses.  We got them in our favorite colors and they fit our bodies perfectly (we got different dresses.. lol).  Still, I would have given anything to have been in the WP.  I would have worn that ugly dress, sat wherever, and helped tie the bows to all of her programs (her only DIY project).  I know of so many cases where the friends/family that weren't asked were so upset... so why is those who are asked forget the point of all these silly traditions (such as attire and seating)??</div><div>
</div><div>MY POINT: If your WP has a negative attitude toward the attire and seating arrangements.. they probably aren't close enough to you to be in the wedding.  The people in my wedding keep asking me to help me in my DIY projects, keep calling me about shopping updates, etc.  They talk more about my wedding than I do.  They are so excited for me, as I will be for them when they get married.  They are excited to stand out in the wedding attire, be in all the pics, and sit at the head table.  If they weren't excited, I would rather they just turned down the my invitation to be in the WP in the first place.</div><div>
</div>

bablingbrooke

:::Headdesk:::

banana468

Renee, I don't know that people who dislike bridal mandates that go against what they find appropriate (clothing choice) or what they KNOW is appropriate (and splitting them from their SO most indeed is inappropriate), makes them people who aren't close to the bride or who aren't excited about the upcoming nuptials.

I was totally excited to be a BM for SIL but I have to say that if the seating arrangement split me from DH at the reception, I wouldn't have been happy with it.  If the dress was something I hated, I wouldn't have loved that either.

I can see the point that you'd WANT to be in a wedding.  But I just can't see wanting to be mistreated at all.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec912460-7920-4ded-befb-46ea304647f0Post:f0451ebf-671e-40bb-b952-03d727356f5d">Re: Feeling Left Out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feeling Left Out : Let us forget the rehearsal dinner and WP gifts.  This should be an important part of the budget as a way to thank the WP (although there are never enough thank yous) I was not asked to be in the WP for my brother's wedding.  I couldn't tell you how left out my sister and I felt.  My mom bought us expensive dresses.  We got them in our favorite colors and they fit our bodies perfectly (we got different dresses.. lol).  <strong>Still, I would have given anything to have been in the WP.  I would have worn that ugly dress, sat wherever, and helped tie the bows to all of her programs (her only DIY project). </strong> I know of so many cases where the friends/family that weren't asked were so upset... so why is those who are asked forget the point of all these silly traditions (such as attire and seating)?? MY POINT: If your WP has a negative attitude toward the attire and seating arrangements.. they probably aren't close enough to you to be in the wedding.  The people in my wedding keep asking me to help me in my DIY projects, keep calling me about shopping updates, etc.  They talk more about my wedding than I do.  They are so excited for me, as I will be for them when they get married.  <strong>They are excited to stand out in the wedding attire, be in all the pics, and sit at the head table. </strong> If they weren't excited, I would rather they just turned down the my invitation to be in the WP in the first place.
Posted by renee.himes.osu@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

I was not in my brother's wedding, but my sister was.  I admit felt left out, but I got over it.  I realized I do not need to wear an ugly dress or get serperated from my date to prove how excited and supportive I was about their wedding.  Being a member of the immediate family I was invited to the RD and I was in a ton pictures.  I still helped out with some wedding details.  I actually found it refreshing didn't have to wear an ugly dress and I got to sit with my date and still do everthing the rest of the WP  did.  I even got a gift because I was a reader.  So I had the best of both worlds.

For the record I would wear any stupid ugly dress for my friend.  I would just complain behind her back to my DH or something.   I really, really, really do not get seperating the WP from their dates during dinner. 

.I've already been a bride.   I think we only had about 15-20 minutes tops at the table.  Now I'm assuming you will be sitting next to your DH at a traditional long table, which means you only have 1 other person next do you (because you only have two sides).  So in reality you will not be sitting with your WP because,  some of them will be a good 6 feet away from YOU.  So it's not like you will be able to talk to them anyway.

 Oh and long tables means the WP can only speak to the person to the left and right of them.  If they were at a normal guest table they would not only be able to hang out with their date, they can engage in better conversation because there will be people across from them also.

kelle017

I feel the same way as most everyone here.  I went to 3 weddings last year that my boyfriend was in.  One was his grandpa's, but they didn't do a head table so I got to sit next to him, which was nice because I didn't know his family very well apart from his mom and sister and brother in law.  The next wedding was his best friends and I sat by the wife of another wedding party member who I knew so it wasn't awful.  The third I sat with the wife of another groomsmen as well, but it was actually a fun time.  We sat with friends of the bride's parents and they were a riot.  Mostly though it just ends up you feeling awkward and praying for dinner to end so you can get up from your seat.  Or when your in the wedding party you feel bad and hope that your date is enjoying themselfs and you spend more time worrying than enjoying yourself. 
My boyfriend wants a head table, but I do not at all.  I know it's my day, but I d't want people to not enjoy themselves.  I'm hoping we can go the sweetheart table route.