can i change my moh

bride2b1215

My maid of honor has shown no respect or appreciation for the position of moh.  We are cousins and she is jealous that she is not married or engaged, and has barely acknowledged the fact that my wedding is in a few months.  Has made no plans for bachelorette party or showers,  nothing.  My other very good friends have gone above and beyond to plan all these and are very excited for me and let me know on a regular basis.  I want to politely tell my maid of honor that I think it would be better for both of us if she was just a bridesmaid.  Is this ok to do?

banana468

It's absolutely not OK to do that.

It's unfortunate if your cousin is an absent MOH but perhaps that's more of an issue with your relationship with her.

Talk to her and make sure things are OK. Sometimes weddings can make a MOH or BM feel like she's never going to be married.  Make sure you're there for her as a friend.

But changing the WP is a horrible slight to your cousin and family.  Do so only if you want your cousin and multiple family members to find your actions very rude and insulting.

JenniferC2010

I'm sorry but it's not okay to do that. The ONLY duties for Maid of Honor are to be there for you on your wedding day, stand right next to you, fix your veil and train and hold your bouquet and sign the license. All the extras are just that, extra. Pre-wedding parties are NOT required or part of her duties.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-change-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ee995b0f-c13b-4106-9860-b2b90fc40e4bPost:855b0be4-7479-466d-8fd4-655e121cf979">can i change my moh</a>:
[QUOTE]My maid of honor has shown no respect or appreciation for the position of moh.  We are cousins and she is jealous that she is not married or engaged, and has barely acknowledged the fact that my wedding is in a few months.  Has made no plans for bachelorette party or showers,  nothing.  My other very good friends have gone above and beyond to plan all these and are very excited for me and let me know on a regular basis.  I want to politely tell my maid of honor that I think it would be better for both of us if she was just a bridesmaid.  Is this ok to do?
Posted by bride2b1215[/QUOTE]
 JIC

duckie1905

Take a step back.  Do you really want to make a public statement about your values (that you only care about people that do things for you) based on the fact that your MOH hasn't fallen over herself with adoration for you and your wedding?  Not only is your MOH one of your best friends (I hope) but she is also family.  You will come off as the bad guy in this situation, not her.

She is not required to do anything but buy the dress and show up on your wedding day.  Showers, parties, gifts, help with projects are extras and she is not, in any way, required to do them.

Hopefully you picked your MOH because you love her and she is your best friend.  If you picked her because of what you thought she'd do for you then you made the mistake based on assumptions that simply aren't correct.

And, even though weddings are happy times they can be sad times for people too.  Weddings can bring up feelings of sadness or loneliness for friends/relatives that feel they are missing something by not being in a relationship.  Why not be understanding of that instead of vilifying her for not being all "SQUEEEEEE" about your wedding?

mbcdefg

Sure, if you want to come across as a pretentious a-hole who takes her wedding entirely too seriously and who treats her friends like garbage because they're not doing enough for her.

bablingbrooke

If you want to wreck all your friendships and send the message to your WP that all you care about is what they're doing for you, sure.  It's very selfish to "demote" people because they aren't paying you the attention you feel you deserve and people do not look kindly at it.  You'll get a reputation as a bridezilla and a diva, and I don't think you want that.

megk8oz

No.

trix1223

You're being absurd.  The answer to your question is no, you can't.  The other answer is no, you shouldn't.

SAW2008

Sorry to say...but it is NOT okay to change your MOH. I think you should have a serious discussion with her and ask her to help out more. If nothing changes then you have to pull in the assistance of another friend/bridesmaid to help you with things. You're kind of stuck at this point...this may not be what you want to hear but thats where you are at this point.

Blueyed228

What kind of respect and appreciation are you talking about?

Lenore2010

Obviously, it is very much NOT okay to do that. Numerous thread on these boards will tell you it is NOT okay to do that. It would be nice if people lurked a little more prior to posting a question.

You say your MOH is jealous, and I get that may very well be the case because my MOH turned out to be that as well and I saw it come into bloom the day before the wedding-lots of fun.

Your MOH only needs to be there for you on the day of the wedding. If you really think there is a possibility she will not be, or she will come but sulk in corners and not help much arrange to rely on your Bridesmaids for the help dressing, etc. that you will need on that day.

My one bridesmaid saved my butt that day while my MOH was busy drinking and getting herself ready all day. If I had had the heads up of a possible issue that you have had, maybe we could have talked (but jealous is one of those things a love bug conversation really can't fix, so I don't know).

IF you are indeed one of "those brides" who think this person should be living and breathing YOUR wedding through YOUR Big Day, reality check: It just is not so and get over yourself! If on the other hand she really has gone bitchy and resentful on you, try to talk it out but regardless you are stuck with her now and all you can do is work around her.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-change-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ee995b0f-c13b-4106-9860-b2b90fc40e4bPost:6369cafc-cc3f-402a-8e94-e6d78c0556b5">Re: can i change my moh</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to say...but it is NOT okay to change your MOH. <em><strong>I think you should have a serious discussion with her and ask her to help out more. If nothing changes then you have to pull in the assistance of another friend/bridesmaid to help you with things. </strong></em>You're kind of stuck at this point...this may not be what you want to hear but thats where you are at this point.
Posted by SAW2008[/QUOTE]

Nope.  A WP member's "duties" start and end with the ceremony.  NO ONE, no one, no one, HAS to help with wedding preparations.  Planning and executing a wedding are the responsibility of the bride and groom.

 If members of the WP ASK to help, that's a different story.  But they should not be expected to do anything but:  show up on wedding day; wear the attire; walk down the aisle; stand respectfully during the ceremony; smile for the pictures.

They DO NOT have to go on venue searches, go bridal dress shopping, address invitations, stuff envelopes, make favors, make CPs, go to tastings, hire vendors, research vendors, chauffeur family and friends around, arrange or research honeymoons, decorate the venue, arrange flowers, plan, throw or atttend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and b-parties.

jenn.daniel

Be glad that you have other friends who go above and beyond and leave it at that.  All your MOH has to do is get down the aisle and hold your flowers. 

crushgirlie

good gravy! bridesmaids and maids of honor DO NOT have to do anything for you but buy a dress and walk down the aisle. You want a party go plan one! Oh and honey no one is jealous of you because they are not married or engaged. Some people don't rightly care that they are not and you sound completely ridiculous!

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-change-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ee995b0f-c13b-4106-9860-b2b90fc40e4bPost:be813aa4-5b50-48e9-941c-7072de5a6c3d">Re: can i change my moh</a>:
[QUOTE]good gravy! bridesmaids and maids of honor DO NOT have to do anything for you but buy a dress and walk down the aisle. You want a party go plan one! <strong>Oh and honey no one is jealous of you because they are not married or engaged. Some people don't rightly care that they are not and you sound completely ridiculous!
</strong>Posted by crushgirlie[/QUOTE]

You may or may not be correct on that one. Just as some people are NOT jealous at all, you would be surprised at the type-and number of people who are VERY envious. Some women think that the whole of life is finding the right man, and they are ready to kill off anyone who has what they don't. I have seen it up close and personal, both directed at me and others.

bride2b1215

OK just read the responses, thank you so much and wondering if some of you should look for employment.  Thanks.

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-change-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ee995b0f-c13b-4106-9860-b2b90fc40e4bPost:d9be4441-e6a6-4872-bc48-b4c12f5e3bfa">Re: can i change my moh</a>:
[QUOTE]OK just read the responses, thank you so much and <strong>wondering if some of you should look for employment.</strong>  Thanks.
Posted by bride2b1215[/QUOTE]

Umm...what?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-change-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ee995b0f-c13b-4106-9860-b2b90fc40e4bPost:91110c27-e76f-4db7-b83f-679dc3f58270">Re: can i change my moh</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can i change my moh : Umm...what?
Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]

Because we post so much maybe? And are bitter married hags?

I have a job, I'm just a good multitasker :)