Having the Religious Ceremony after Civil Ceremony?

Daisyca99

So this post is my first on this board, so I wanted to first say hi! My FI and I are both 27, from Southern California, and are converting to Conservative Judaism. We got engaged in Oct 2008 but decided to postpone planning a wedding until we had enough funds.We just started the conversion process this past spring and the Rabbi said it would take us at least 2 years to convert. (I'm not sure why, since I've heard most conversions are a little over a year). In the meantime, we recently decided that we'd like to marry next summer (we finally have funds) and since we haven't converted yet, it will be a quick city hall ceremony and a reception for our parents and siblings only. Do you think our Rabbi would allow us to have a Jewish wedding/ketubah ceremony after our conversion, or will he require us to hold off until after our conversion? I want to ask him at our next class, but am afraid he would answer the latter, which would mean we would have to wait until 2011 for marriage. The Jewish ceremony wouldn't be lavish or anything, I just wanted the religious aspect. I look forward to your replies!

Daisyca99

or will he require us to hold off until after our conversion?**what I mean by this is will he request us to hold off on any type of marriage (civil/city hall) until after our conversion? I don't mind taking a long time to convert so I can learn and holding off on the religious ceremony.

RedZee

First off, Mazal tov! Welcome to the board!Second, it's so interesting that you're both converting. I'd love to hear more about why you both chose this.The conversion process in Orthodox and more observant/traditional Conservative Judaism does take longer than in other sects of Judaism. It's good because more rabbis will recognize the conversion (Orthodox rabbis won't accept any other type of conversion and this can be a problem for children etc. If they choose to marry someone Jewish and/or become more Orthodox, they'll likely have to convert as well.)We had our civil ceremony (parents and his sibling only, my siblings weren't there) 7 months before our religious "real" wedding. We did it for paperwork purposes mostly. We spoke to a couple of rabbis about it and they were fine with doing the ketubah afterwards.I would guess it would be fine. Especially if you're living together. If you're very worried about it, rather than flat out ask, let him know your plan. That way, you're not completely asking for permission so it'll only be a problem if he strongly objects.

Daisyca99

Thanks for the quick reply. Sorry about somehow making this post bolded! You asked about why we're both converting. In reality, I'm converting for formality. My mom converted in Taiwan before I was born, but I don't know if it was according to halachot. Unfortunately, she's no longer alive and my stepdad has no clue, while I am estranged from my biological father, who is Orthodox. On the other hand, my FI is converting so that we can raise children in a one-religion household. He didn't feel as strongly about the religion he grew up with than he does with Judaism. I'm glad to hear that you had a civil cermony some time before the religion one, and I agree with you advice. I will let my Rabbi know this Sunday.

goldgold

Welcome!I really haven't mentioned this much on the knot since some people have issues with this for whatever reason... we had a civil ceremony at the courthouse with his grandparents as witnesses. This was a year ago yesterday. Our Jewish wedding will be in May. Our COnservative rabbi doesn't have an issue with this. You'll have to get a legal marriage certificate one way or another. If you had it for the Jewish wedding the rabbi would sign, otherwise you can have a civil servant, judge, etc. preform the ceremony and sign it. I hope that helps!

Rachiemoo

i don't think it should be a problem, i know a couple who had converted reform and were married and then later, after completing an orthodox conversion had another wedding.also, the fact that your rabbi is taking the conversion so seriously is a very good sign imo.best of luck and welcome to the board!

slbriz34

I agree.  If anything, the civil ceremony serves one function while the religious one is for you and your family.  I've never heard of a rabbi having a problem but you never know.  If this is the rabbi who will ultimately marry you, then you should find out if it'll be a problem for him.  His main concern will be in regards to having children before the conversion is complete - so in that vein, he may want you to hold off on marriage.  You'll have to assure him that that won't be a problem, but that may not be enough.  If it's an issue, then you'll have to decide whether to go ahead with the the civil ceremony, convert, and then find another rabbi to perform your religious ceremony.Do you have any other contact with other members of your family to find out about her conversion?  Any documents somewhere?  Each rabbi and geographic area is different.  Mine didn't take as long, closer to a year and a half.  But I did a lot of studying on my own, took a class, and worked with my rabbi so he felt I was ready.  Your rabbi may say 2 years but you never know - if may be earlier or longer; but that's a good time fram to work with. GL and mazal tov!

lachlom

Conversion takes different lengths of time for different people. It depends on how quickly you are learning, how often you are able to meet for classes and studying with the Rabbi, and what place you are in your life if you will be able to manage a Jewish life.Depending on how observant your Rabbi is and how strict he is, he may ask that you have a period of separation either right before you are converted, or right after. This is to ensure that you are without a doubt not pregnant, so as to not complicate the Jewish status of any unborn babies you may have. This is very typical in Orthodox conversions and probably happens occasionally in Conservative conversions.Being married "Jewishly" and secularly are totally different things. A couple friends of mine got married through the state almost 9 months before their Jewish ceremony. While, by Jewish law, you are NOT married, so therefore, by Jewish law, you should not be intimate etc, you can get secularly married and it's a totally different thing.Honestly, if you ask, he will probably tell you to wait. It's your choice whether it's worth it to get a civil marriage. Is there any benefit for you having a civil marriage? Would you then be able to share health insurance, get a tax break, anything? If it's just so you can rush to the 'finish line' of being married, why not wait until you can have a fully Jewish wedding?