Jewish Weddings

Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future

Background:
I grew up in a modern orthodox community.
I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship that turned abusive that left me holding the bags.
I took a chance and went on Jdate and it happened after 3 months of countless dates  that I finally went on that one date that turned into a whole day.
 We both knew we are each others Besherit within a few weeks.
I am more cautious because i don't want to get hurt so I  insisted on 1 year of dating whe we decided to get serious so that if he thought about proposing in the future he would know that I needed time.

My parents got engaged after 7 months and personally I couldnt see myself making this life changing decision in less then 2 years of dating someone but with him that rational went right out the window.
 

So I asked the girls :
how do they deal with people asking " so when is the wedding?" Ever since 3 months (march 2011) we have been asked that question. The first time she was so bold as to say we should get married 3 months after I move up to DC.

Other times it just been here or there. This past weekend I was asked 2 times and then Saturday Jordan was actually with me when we got the question. Last thing you expect around the Sukkah table eating the fruits of our hosts harvest ( from the farm and his front yard) was that question. It feels like people are being noisey.

They chided me becouse:
  •  I think ahead and Jordan and I had talked about the future
  • we have talked about wedding plans as far as the feel goes and the abstract idea of it
  • we know what kind of wedding we want
  • Jordan has suggested a few venues that he scratched for one reson or another and I trust his judgement becouse he knows DC better
  • I know my ring and that life altering question is coming soon ( my guess anywhere between Dec and June) and so do both sets of  parents
  • His dad handed me a check for Jordan's birthday to be put in the ring fund
  • that i suggested to my parents that they save up now so they don't have to go into debt over a wedding while paying for life in general & 4 college educations
  • We gave my parents a tentative Oct 2013 though it might be August
Right now every so often my dad mentions " you need to figure out who is going to marry you?"

But within that all Jordan lives day to day and enjoys life (when he at home with me and we do NOT discuss work at home)
I live week by week with tests back to back every 2 weeks, oral reports, and setting goals to complete the outline for the DANB exam. I have to pass it to work in Maryland. On the weekends we just want to stop the clock and just be togeather and do something.

Why are people so rude and nasty?

Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future

  • Musicheals71Musicheals71
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    So....who is being "rude and nasty", your family or The Knot Boards?
  • edited December 2011
    Knot boards  ,My family couldn't be nicer lol

    Both sets of parents love us very much. They have not met each other yet but they should get along great.
    Our mom's birthdays are a week apart ( different years of course)
    Jordan's mom's maiden name is the same as my mom's married name
    Both are nurses
    My dad is a doctor and Jordan's dad runs one of the premiere retirement homes in Maryland so lots to talk about.
    Jordan's family is from Syracuse ( think I spelled that right ) and my dad went to college there. So tons to talk about besides us.

    Oh  to add to all the fun Jordan's birthday and my birthday are a week apart as well. We are the same but different which makes everything wonderful. Jordan knows me better then I know myself sometimes.

    My dad already given his blessing ,
    Jordan said he was worried about having that talk. I just looked at him funny " you already had that conversation and he already said he gave you his blessing really it was the most chilled conversation I have ever seen.

    his dad offered to let him move back home so he could save his rent money for a ring. Jordan got a $300 birthday check but his dad handed it to me with instructions to make sure he puts in a saving account for a special purpose :nudge nudge wink wink:

    My dad when the W word is mentioned wants to know who marrying us becouse it might be impossible in the metro DC area to find a rabbi  after living there almost 2 1/2 years HAHA. I just hope my dad remebers that day it is our day not his and it going to be more conservative.

    I know my parents so I told them to start saving now. i dont want to put anyone in debt. Since they are paying for 4 collge educations even more of a reason to start putting money aside.

    People are acting like im nuts
  • edited December 2011
    You still don't mention who on the knot is being rude and nasty to you.

    Also, have you sorted out the levels of observance you were having problems with from your last post in July? The one where your dad wanted a laid back small wedding and he wouldn't dance with you and you were super upset he would drink?

    Also, you don't tell people to start saving for your wedding. If your parents want to help you with the wedding, they will offer. If they don't have the money, pressuring them will only strain your relationship.

    Also, I want to remind you what I said in July- $ = strings. You have posted about your dad having a different idea about the wedding. If you expect him to pay for the majority (or even part of it), expect him to have a say in how the wedding happens.
    Anniversary image
  • edited December 2011
    Kinda ,
    my mom and I came to the conclusion that we are just going to keep my dad out of the  planning loop  so that he doesn't freak out . The ceremony will be traditional with English translation and personal touches. I told Jordan I would give him his ring in the Yichid room so my dad stays happy and jordan gets his ring.  Reception is the problem that i will combat when the time comes, and at Jordan's suggestion of a planner can help navigate this problem.


    I am completely over my dad not wanting to dance with me. I knew he never would but I think Jordan talking about dancing with his mom kinda made me feel like i would be missing out. I can show the bond with my parents a different way.

    As long as the family and friends are there, Jordan designs some awesome food and gets the right people to execute it im happy

    I know my parents better then anyone else on this board. Im not forceing them to contribute , I just helping them not go into debt over a wedding. The equity line is gone and I want to see my parents get thier house paid off in 2013. They are paying for 4 college educations out of pocket where possible. My parents want to give me a nice wedding. They were kinda shocked when I told them I wanted to pay for my stuff for that day.

    When I got the go ahead from the Rabbi to marry my Xbf ( he wasnt jewish and he was going to do the converstion) my dad was freaking out over scrapping up money for the deposit he was going to cancel the trip to isreal  and it just caused panic in the house. I dont want panic.
  • edited December 2011
    As far as the girls on the not yet engaged board it the majority of girls on there just being mean to each other. They just have negitive comments to make.

    I have a folder on my laptop with ideas - same folder i had a few years ago from the last bf  but tweeked some after talking to Jordan about it. I filled in the inspiration boards on here.

    I also have a folder for the  dream house, we talk about that more often. The big backyard with the garden, dog area, and a place for kids to play. The much needed dog room and an awesome open  kitchen with tons of countertop space.

     I have looked up which bridal salons have the most variety so i know who to call to make an appointment without having to drive to NY. 

    That is about as far as i have gotten and I dont plan on going any further. Everything comes and goes but the feel never changes
  • Musicheals71Musicheals71
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Get engaged first.  Then - and only then - can you start the "real" planning!  Stop putting the cart before the horse!

    Edit:  this statement is my opinion.
  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, music, but I think that's silly. The couple is clearly planning to get married. Whether they have an actual ring or not, they're both actively planning and I see nothing wrong with that.

    Then again, my ex- and I got engaged (ie, decided to get married), booked our venue and then went shopping for a ring a couple of months later.
  • Musicheals71Musicheals71
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future:
    Sorry, music, but I think that's silly. The couple is clearly planning to get married. Whether they have an actual ring or not, they're both actively planning and I see nothing wrong with that. Then again, my ex- and I got engaged (ie, decided to get married), booked our venue and then went shopping for a ring a couple of months later.
    Posted by tenofcups4me
    Let's agree to disagree, shall we, tenofcups? Wink

    IMO, she's getting ahead of herself and it's not even "official."  I'm not saying my way of thinking is the only way - it's just how I feel.
  • edited December 2011
    My parents got engaged at 7 months , my mom didnt get a ring til 3 months later. Jordan and I have joked around about just eloping but OUR PARENTS WOULD KILL US. LOL I am so excited, I'm moving in in 7-8 weeks :D 8 weeks from 1 year. Time has really flown. ( In reality I've known him a year right now, but it took a date or 2, my dogs, my parents, his parents for it all to sink in and Dec 18th 2010 is when it finally all  hit me)

    I can't  wait for the future becouse their is so much oppurtunity.  One of my friends said to me after a 3 1/2 year relationship that tore you down the the very bottom not many people can pick themselves up and start all over.
  • Musicheals71Musicheals71
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Artistic:  when you are OFFICIALLY engaged and have a wedding date set, please let me know your wedding date so I can add you to my weekly post, thanks!
  • edited December 2011
    Excuse me ... I'm from the NEY boards and I post here sometimes too. I just want to clear things up a bit.

    I remember you, OP, and the NEY board is not rude and nasty. But frankly, the NEY board as a whole does not really approve of planning a wedding before a proposal. It's seen as a little crazy and obsessive. October 2013 is almost 2 years away! A LOT can change in 2 years! I'm sure a lot of the girls there felt like you were rushing things, regardless of how in love you and your boyfriend are.

    They (we) only seem rude and nasty because it's not what you want to hear.

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

    Daisypath Wedding tickers

    "Bside - You're just too sexy for your own good" ~ leia1979

    "True love = I still love you even though we hang out all the time and most other people would be tired of each other already" ~ flygirlmeg
  • miamarymiamary
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future:
    Excuse me ... I'm from the NEY boards and I post here sometimes too. I just want to clear things up a bit. I remember you, OP, and the NEY board is not rude and nasty. 
    Posted by bsidebella

    Yes it is. And I'm not even talking about telling people to not pre-plan, although the ladies on NYE seem to be obsessed with NOT PRE-PLANNING, but I'm talking about the way it is said. 

    You guys do your best to make sure people will never come back and never get the "wedding board experience" they hoped for, trade ideas with other brides, get inspiration, etc. 


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future:
    In Response to Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future :  You guys do your best to make sure people will never come back and never get the "wedding board experience" they hoped for, trade ideas with other brides, get inspiration, etc. 
    Posted by miamary
    NEY is not a "wedding board". It's for girls who are NOT ENGAGED YET, who are enjoying the status of their relationship as it is, and not worrying about a proposal. We discourage pre-planning because a wedding should not be the only thing on your mind. Ever hear of "stopping to smell the roses"?

    If you want to talk weddings and trade ideas and get inspiration, NEY is not the place to do it.

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

    Daisypath Wedding tickers

    "Bside - You're just too sexy for your own good" ~ leia1979

    "True love = I still love you even though we hang out all the time and most other people would be tired of each other already" ~ flygirlmeg
  • edited December 2011
    Am I the only one who thinks it's hilarious that there's a "not yet engaged" board with the express purpose of postings about NOT getting married... on a wedding website?

    That the OP is being chided for posting about wedding planning on a wedding planning website is... well... hilarious.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Not engaged yet boards can be ruthless when you know your future:
    Am I the only one who thinks it's hilarious that there's a "not yet engaged" board with the express purpose of postings about NOT getting married... on a wedding website? That the OP is being chided for posting about wedding planning on a wedding planning website is... well... hilarious.
    Posted by gananoque
    A lot of the girls wound up there because they were helping plan other peoples' weddings - they've been maid of honors, bridesmaids, sisters of the bride and the groom. Some were engaged, and their engagements fell through, but stayed on because, believe it or not, that board is a wonderful support system. They are event planners and bridal consultants. There are many, many stories there.

    Don't judge what you have no idea about.

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

    Daisypath Wedding tickers

    "Bside - You're just too sexy for your own good" ~ leia1979

    "True love = I still love you even though we hang out all the time and most other people would be tired of each other already" ~ flygirlmeg
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards