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  • edited December 2011
    I can sympathize, though even among Jews, this can be a problem.  I/we don't generally go to any events on his father's side because they don't keep kosher nor really keep to some letter of the law with regards to the holidays.  So the last few years, we've declined the Passover invite (he went to Rosh Hashanah last year, I did not).  His mother's side is a little better; they don't keep kosher but we'll at least make efforts for us and we do some things (our seder last night wasn't entirely to the letter, but a lot better than it would have been at his dad's family).

    Because many of the holidays have two days, we often spend one with our rabbi (so we get the full feel) and then the other with his mom's side (this year we hosted and it was a lot of work, but no worries about kosher).   We've discussed it and in the future, we'll try to host more things (we don't have a house yet) or have more events to invite his dad's side, but personally I choose not to be a part of that side because it's just too much trouble (and since I don't know them well enough anyway, I don't feel like I'm missing out, nor does he).  :D 
  • edited December 2011
    Even though I am marrying someone who is Jewish, his family is reform and they don't keep kosher.  Since we have been together, FI has decided to become kosher on his own regard.  His mother does not get it and she will not accommodate both our needs.  She says stuff like, oh what happened no more shrimp?  She doesn't  make pork or shellfish when we are there for dinner, but she will mix milk and meat, which bothers me.  It is very difficult, some people just don't get it.  But seriously shame on them!  They should accept you for who you are!
  • Jeni35Jeni35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow! Well, we don't keep kosher; but we don't eat pork and i don't eat seafood of any kind anyways. i would never enforce my beliefs on anyone; but I've heard plenty about those "really religious" Jews. Yeah, because my parents were both bought up Orthodox- just that statement alone offends me. I compromised on a conservative shul and we did do two nights of seder albeit not to the letter; but I appreciated the effort a lot. To the person who posted their initial feelings- you don't state what religion your FI is. Because you feel that you his family should go out of the way for you- do you go out of the way for them? Do you respect their views and feelings? I think your Fi has to be the one to say that he loves you and he is okay with your religion. I couldn't marry a non-Jew because i foresaw issues in past relationships where I would be negatively affected. You could sit his mom down one day and go over some of the basic rules. She doesn't have to accept them; but she does have to understand that you follow them. What about when you have kids? I've made it very clear that I plan on observing more traditionally and FI is okay with this. Good luck! She sounds a bit anti-semitic!
  • edited December 2011
    ill chime in here -- not because i have the answer-- but because i have a different perspective. 

    like you, i am jewish and my FI is not. his family is methodist are very observant of their faith and traditions. they are not particularly hospitable toward me, either, and although i find it frustrating, i am also a grown up person and no one MAKES me go to their home, eat their food, etc. 

    part of a life with someone who didnt grow up like me is KNOWING that although he decided to be with me and with my judaism, his family did NOT choose me. and no one can force them to take an interest and understand, or accommodate. 

    when stuff like this happens, i just have to make sure that i am covered the best way i can. i bring an apple, matzah, or something else that i know i can eat, when its passover, etc. 

    but just like a pp said -- i dont go out of my to accommodate them either, and i dont expect them to bend over backwards for me. 

    i also realize that as important as my own faith is to me, if i eat off a plate that once had pork touching it without knowing, or if a spoon that touched shrimp somehow touches my food and i couldnt prevent it, my world wont end either. one of the greatest things about observing judaism is that trying as hard as i can is whats important. 
    http://www.mywedding.com/lynnieandandy
    october '10 siggy: Early Pic of me and FI (not the first.....)
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  • MoFreeMoFree member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your FMIL isn't more accommodating to you, however I certainly understand how your requests seem very demanding.  Not only do you expect her to serve completely different food from what she prepares for her family and guests, but you also expect her to keep separate utensils, plates, cutlery just for you.  I don't know how accommodating I would be either in that situation, especially if it were presented as an entitlement.  I understand your religious and vegetarian convictions, however there has to be some give on your part and you cannot automatically expect someone who does not follow those convictions to do so. I'm not suggesting that you eat pork or shellfish, but give a little in terms of the plates the food is serve on and the spoon use to stir the pot.  Sometimes when you give a little and the other person sees you as being reasonable, they will also be tempted to do so.  You say that you do not want to bring attention to yourself and while this may be sincere, it is not possible given that you need to have everything separate from the rest of the family. 

    Have you sat down and discussed this with your FMIL.  Maybe she really doesn't understand Jewish dietary laws and their importance to you.  I would do it as a "teachable moment" rather than as "if you want me to eat in your house, this is what you have to do."

    This woman is going to be in your life as you are marrying her son.  I suggest that you not confront her in any antagonistic way because for better or worse, she is not going away.  I also hope you are not putting your FI in a situation where he has to choose between you and his parents.
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  • edited December 2011
    as an aside -- when she invites you, could you do something like say:

    "we'd love to come, and I'd love to contribute a dish!" 

    and then just make sure you bring something substantial that is veggie? like a pasta, etc?

    some people just feel the need to make a big deal or martyr themselves..... this way you might be able to avoid it and everyone could enjoy your dish too. 
    http://www.mywedding.com/lynnieandandy
    october '10 siggy: Early Pic of me and FI (not the first.....)
    imageVisit The Knot! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    I know this isn't nearly as extreme as what you're going through, but FI and I recently became vegetarian and my mother is having a very hard time dealing with it.  So, I've been brining my own dish to Shabbat (eggplant parm, quinoa, veggie lasagna, pasta, etc.).  For passover I made veggie broth for matzoball soup and made a vegetarian kugel so we would have something to eat. 

    I know its a lot harder to broach the subject with your FMIL, but you need your FI to talk to her about it, you shouldn't confront her directly.  Have him explain that you have dietary restrictiosn and WANT to bring food to share with the fam when you are invited over for dinner.
  • Jeni35Jeni35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've been thinking about this and you know what I would do? Keep a separate set of plates and silverware at the in-law's house and bring your own food with you. Don't make a big deal of this. I agree about the spoon with the pork and the broccoli because that's just nasty to us; but not to other people. I foresee issues in the future with this if your FI cannot bring this up to his folks. Also, if something touches something; then you are not going to die and tried your best as another poster stated. If you want to go extreme; then with all respect- you should be marrying an Orthodox Jew. Alast, our heart chooses who we love and I understand this. Wishing you better luck with the FMIL and happiness always. 
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