NWR: Passover w/ the ILs

JoelsGirl07

So I graciously offered to go out to  Memphis with DH and DS for Passover, and hopefully make this a yearly thing. Last year we went to BIL/SILs house about 20 min from us and (some of you remember - I posted about it) how awful the "seder" was. I use the word seder VERY liberally. I wanted a more traditional seder for DS, and I knew that DH's great aunt and uncle do one so that's where we're going. Plus, I've never taken DS to Memphis so the family is super excited.

Anyway, that's the background. So I get this email from MIL yesterday telling me that I need to bring a gift to said seder. excuse me? I was planning to send a thank-you note after the fact, and maybe bring my own bottle of grape juice (since I'm nursing and can't drink 4 whole glasses of wine). I understand OFFERING to bring something if you live local, but we're flying with a 6-1/2 month old, we're out of town, we're broke.....

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Do you think my plan of grape juice and a thank you note is ok? Grrrr....ILs can be so annoying.

slbriz34

You should never ask for a gift.  Perhaps MIL isn't tactful or graceful with words; if she meant to ask if you'd bring something, especially if it'll be a large group, there was a better way to do that.  I'd be put off too but then again, my family wouldn't expect me to bring anything if I had to travel, and vice versa.

Rachiemoo

No I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  If you feel you must bring a gift, I'd probably just have some flowers sent to your DH'S great aunt and uncle's house or maybe find some sort of pesach gift basket.  But again - not necessary.

tenofcups4me

I don't think you need to bring a "gift" per se, but I would bring something along... a box of Passover candies, a bottle of wine, something like that. If you won't have time to get it after you get there, I'd ask MIL to pick it up for you. You can get away with something under $10 so it doesn't have to be expensive. Obviously you can't make any food to bring since you're coming in from out of town.

leoraanna

You aren't being unreasonable at all- it's great that you are going at all! My father's family puts on a "seder" as well and before my parents got divorced she would do the seder and it lasted about 20 minutes and then there was dinner (not kosher for passover so my brothers and mother couldn't eat anything) and then people went home. When my grandfather started asking me to lead it, I agreed and the first year was 5 minutes long!! I have a teaching degree, and I couldn't even control my family- they were totally into the rush. Last year when I did it, that was my third year, I told them "This is how tonight's seder is going to go: If you want to drink and shmooze, go out to the bar (we have it at a country club instead of my grandparents house) but if you are in this room you must participate respecfully." and I waited for people to leave! Finally, we did the seder and it lasted 15 minutes. This year I am not even going, I have a real seder to participate in. Sure, it upset my grandparents, but Passover seder is very important to me.

Long story short, you don't have to bring a gift- that was a very rude thing to say- and they should appreciate and be happy with the fact that you are even there. Good luck!

silversparks

I'm a bit confused about the request to bring a gift. I agree that a thank you note after the fact would be appreciated, but maybe rather than assuming you needed to bring your own grape juice, could you just call your ILS and say "you know I'm nursing, so I was planning on bringing some grape juice" - to which they could reply, "oh don't worry about it, IL so-and-so always has juice" or "great, we didn't think of that, thanks for the reminder". At which point you can also choose to offer to bring something else - fruit, flowers, bottle of wine, box of candy... but getting a pre-emptive e-mail from someone else telling you a gift is mandatory seems odd.

parker624

I think that was rude to ask you to bring a gift.  Regardless, you might want to bring flowers or something like that as a "thank you"

alinaandjared

I have not been here in ages (sorry). Your baby boy is getting so big and handsome!

not bringing small "gift" = rude in my book
asking someone to bring a gift = ruder!

slbriz34

We are hosting the second night and I didn't demand anyone to bring anything.  Of all the times to expect a gift, this isn't one.  Everyone asked and offered if they could bring things and I tried to balance requests and just sucking things up and doing a lot on our own.

I agree, flowers or when you get into town, get some wine and/or grape juice to bring to the seder.  If this is deemed insufficient, ts and then for next year, you can decide if you want to deal with that, again...

MoFree

I agree that it's extremely rude to tell someone they "expect a gift."  However, having a baby does not exempt someone from proper etiquette and I don't think that a thank you note and a bottle of grape juice (which you would be bringing for yourself) is sufficient. 

JoelsGirl07

I wasn't implying that HAVING a baby exempted me from bringing something, I was simply annoyed that my MIL even thought to send me this email. I was more annoyed with the fact that we were being asked to bring something when a) we're family - my family has NEVER asked one of the young couples to bring something, we offer, but are always rejected; b) Passover is an expensive holiday anyway, and we are not exactly rolling in it like ALL of DHs family, c) we are already taking time off of work and making the effort to travel to them, d) Passover is about including those who can't make a seder themselves - instead of expecting gifts, they should remember that and be excited to include us (that sounded like I felt entitled, but that's not how I meant it).

Of course, I think it would be nice if we were able to bring something small, which I was intending to do in the first place. It just makes me angry when people assume I hadn't thought about it.

tenofcups4me

Uh, in your initial post you said you weren't planning on bringing anything. Based on what you've written, my guess is your MIL emailed you that assuming you wouldn't know the "right" thing to do in her family. Doesn't really matter how you do it in your family -- different families, different customs. But boy, it sounds like you're really pretty angry with his mother and family in general.