What would you do? - Choosing a Rabbi...

NicoleMarcelle

I was raised in an orthodox sephardic (Jewish congregation) but we were never terribly observant (we were more what I would call "traditional" in that we observed high holy days, and some others, but never kept kosher or went to the synagogue very often, other than for holy days, and some Shabbats) 

The issue I am having now, is that I am trying to find an officiant for the wedding, my parents want me to go with an orthodox rabbi and ceremony, but I don't like basically what that ceremony means, and I don't like the wording of the marriage contract, but I don't think the rabbi that we're thinking of, will allow us to change those things. 

It's important for my parents that we are married by a rabbi, FI could not care less, and I am on the fence, I want a rabbi, but I don't want the orthodox vows and marriage contract, I'd rather use a ketubah that's more along the lines of equality and love... 

Any help or input is greatly appreciated!

Mimmer04

I would meet with several rabbis until you find one you like who is willing to compromise. There are great rabbis out there and you just have to find the one that is right for you. I I would start with Conservative and Reconstructionist rabbis, who will be traditional, but more open to compromise than an orthodox rabbi.  Really though you don't know who will or won't compromise until you meet with them in person and ask.

As far as the ketubah, our rabbi actually recommended we get two when we told him we wanted a more egalitarian ketubah, so that's what we are doing.  We are going to have one very simple, completely traditional ketubah signed by 2 kosher male witnesses and a beautiful ketubah with non-traditional wording signed by both male and female witnesses (we are still working out the details).  The non-traditional ketubah will be our "main" one, the one read under the chuppah, put on display in our home etc.  The traditional one will be kept with our marriage license and is basically only in case some day we need to prove before a Jewish court that we were married legitimately by Jewish law (e.g. if one of our kids some day wants to go to Israel and marry there and needs to prove we were married etc.)  Its unlikely we will ever need this, but it can't hurt to have. 

Using 2 ketubahs is a way to satisfy your parents need for a traditional ceremony, while still finding something that speaks more to you and your fiance.

Good luck.  Follow your heart.

2dBride

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, the two of you are old enough to decide what level of Jewish observance is meaningful to the two of you--not to your parents.  You could use a Reform rabbi (who would likely be open to a nontraditional ketubah) if that works for the two of you.  But you should do that because you want it, not to placate your parents.

jessicabessica

I would meet with different rabbis that span from Reform to Orthodox to find someone you are comfortable with.  We had a cantor, and he did a lovely job singing the shevah berachot, so you can also talk to cantors.  I totally think you should do what you and your FI want, but if your parents are paying, tread carefully--you might want to plan the wedding you and your FI can afford so you don't have to worry about your parents issuing ultimatums.

ETA: Also, if you have not read Anita Diamant's The New Jewish Wedding, I highly recommend it for help planning.

NicoleMarcelle

Thank you ladies!! 

Mimmer:  I love that idea! That may actually be a great compromise, my parents are concerned about that specific reason re: the ketubah, i.e., if we ever have to prove that we have a jewish marriage, because they had to when my brother was bar mitzvah'd (my mom converted to judaism when she married my dad). 

2dBride: while I agree with you, my parents are paying for the wedding, and their input is important to us, I am just trying to find a way to reach a reasonable compromise that we are all happy with. 

Jessica:  thank you so much for your advice! we are actually meeting with a progressive rabbi on thursday to discuss all of these. I have read Anita Diamant's book, I am actually re-reading it this week to make sure I don't miss anything when I go talk to the rabbi! 

Thank you all again!

Ninatinak

I particularly like the way Hebrew text looks, so I would try and get a Ketubah that has the Orthodox Hebrew, and, in our case, our own text in English that is more like wedding vows than Ketubah text. That way we will always be reminded of both sides of our union. And the art has to be just as meaningful since this is what you will see first when you look at your Ketubah.

Jen4948

I think I'd do some research, figure out what parts of the ceremony you really do want and what parts you don't, and find an officiant who will do that for you.  Maybe you can find another Orthodox officiant who will be less stringent, or use a Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist or other Jewish background instead.

If the problem is your parents, remind them that it is you and not they who are getting married in this ceremony, and you don't want to have rituals or anything in the ceremony that doesn't work for you.  Go over the ceremony with them and explain that X in the Orthodox tradition just doesn't work for you and Y in the other tradition is really important, and their rabbi won't accommodate you.  If they still put up a fight, you may well have to do without their support.  So figure this one out carefully.

Having two ketubot is a good idea.