June 2012 Weddings

VENT- FI isn't doing anything

I'm getting really upset with the fact FI is not doing anything for the wedding but going on his bachelor weekend and planning fun things to do on the weekends.  I gave him a list- accessories (socks, shoes, etc..) for his suit, GM gifts, booking the dog sitter, handling the upgrades for the honeymoon.  What has he done?  Zero.  
Also his sister is having a surprise shower for me and he scheduled it the morning after my bachelorette party.  That is this weekend.  Then he was supposed to stay home to let the dogs out during my bachelorette but he bought tickets to the Nats Orioles game with his friends on Saturday instead.  
Meanwhile I've done everything else by myself!!!  His family has also not offered to do a thing (besides this shower which I didn't even want).  
I know I'm a control freak and like to do things my way, but I feel totally on my own with no support.  Hopefully things are just getting stressful now as the wedding gets closer and things will get better.  Anyone having similar issues?

Re: VENT- FI isn't doing anything

  • Most men views weddings way differently then women do. Perhaps he is a bit nervous to do something and have it not be what you wanted. I  would sit down with him and explain how you are feeling.
  • edited May 2012
    I agree with PP, you need to at least discuss with him your concerns because he might be worried about "doing it wrong".

    You've taken the first step by outlining specific tasks for him to help with, but if he's anything like my FI, he may be procrastinating. Discuss this (potential) trait of his personality with him. Explain to him how important it is to you that he complete these tasks by X date (give him a specific date to make him accountable) because you're depending on him. My FI was slow on the ball to get his guys together for their tux fittings. Eventually, I told him he had two options: 1) Do it that weekend, or 2) Risk not wearing tuxes. This was an important detail to him, so he made sure to get it done before the deadline.

    I know with my FI, sometimes he doesn't put enough importance on certain things until I tell him how important it is to ME. If it's important to you, it should be important to him. Open communication is the key here to avoid hurt and resentful feelings.

    Good luck, and I hope things turn around for you soon.
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  • Tell him how you feel.  Calmly explain the amount of stuff you have to take care of, and he needs to help by taking care of some things too.  After all, it's his wedding too.

  • edited May 2012
    Boys are annoying.

    Just picture yourself kicking him where it hurts. It'll make you feel better, I promise. Also note the key word here: *picture.*
  • If you're a self-proclaimed control freak he's probably scared he'll mess it up, or he might be a big procrastinator.  To me it also seems like he's either clueless or carelessly inconsiderate.  Whatever it is, sit him down and calmly explain to him that in order for things to go smoothly you NEED him to get a few things done.  Give him extremely specific lists and details and give him an actual date he needs to have them done by.  If he still doesn't follow through, it sounds like you might have bigger problems unfortunately.
  • Honestly, FI and I had this talk to other day.  I snapped at him about not doing anything and "what would our wedding be if I had let him plan it?" and his response was probably shorts and a t-shirt on a beach, just the 2 of us with a quiet dinner afterwards.  We are doing something pretty similar (except with 35 people and he's wearing a Hugo Boss suit - his choice, not mine).  The point I am trying to make is most guys just really don't care about all of that stuff....not at all.  They don't see the point in spending all the time and money on something that could be really simple and plain.  If you really want something done, do it yourself.  I also agree with PP's though.....you do have to talk to him about it....give him specifics and deadlines.

    And if that doesn't work, I'd go with Kelsey's suggestion.

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  • Sounds like a good plowing is in order here.
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  • In Response to Re: VENT- FI isn't doing anything:
    Sounds like a good plowing is in order here.
    Posted by poonplower3000
    In the butt.
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  • Banish his ass to Idaho.  Because you not da ho, I da ho.  He needs a night in some twatchy territory.
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  • Oh my god we've been inflitrated by the AEs.. hahahaha.
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  • LambbopLambbop member
    100 Comments
    Try giving him deadlines. That really helped light a fire under my FI. I told him when things needed to be done so he understood that this is not something you can old off on. For some reason guys don't think that you need to order tuxes a month in advance. They must think the tux fairy delivers them overnight....

    I gave FI a deadline 1 week before the tasks I wanted him to do actually needed to be done... just in case. But he didn't know that part.

    Rewards have also worked. Like "if you order the GM gifts today I'll take you out to dinner tonight." I know it's kind of childish... but dang it's affective. Especially if beer is involved.
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  • Sounds like no one needs to be plowed, ever.
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  • daria24daria24 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    We are apparently marrying the same person, other than the bachelor party part. If I say "you need your tie by next Saturday" he will get it...Friday. Drives me insane! The thing I have to remember to focus on is that he DOES get everything done by the due date, just not in the time frame I wish he did it. Give him deadlines, and specific requirements, ie we need 10 fast dance songs by Tuesday. Good luck, I think A lot of us feel your pain!
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  • In Response to Re: VENT- FI isn't doing anything:
    Try giving him deadlines. That really helped light a fire under my FI. I told him when things needed to be done so he understood that this is not something you can old off on. For some reason guys don't think that you need to order tuxes a month in advance. They must think the tux fairy delivers them overnight.... I gave FI a deadline 1 week before the tasks I wanted him to do actually needed to be done... just in case. But he didn't know that part. Rewards have also worked. Like "if you order the GM gifts today I'll take you out to dinner tonight." I know it's kind of childish... but dang it's affective. Especially if beer is involved.
    Posted by Lambbop
    I'll admit it, I do this with FI to get him to do things that he doesn't think are important.  It works!
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  • Thanks ladies!  I definitely think all of your suggestions will help.  Even Kelsey's!
  • edited May 2012
    I promise FI that if he helps with xyz, I will make his favorite dinner, or watch a stupid tv show I don't like (quietly, no complaining), etc. Just make sure to follow through with what you promise.

    I also just kind of trick him into things, lol. "Hey honey, lets go to the bow shop and get some more arrows"... while we're in that area (right next to a craft store) I'm like "well we're right here, it saves me a trip/gas". He rolls his eyes and plays along.

    Go with him to do his projects if you can. I'm a control freak too and FI says it's way easier if I do it, because he wants me to have what I want. It's been making me crazy, but in the end I probably would change what he does anyway, so it's a blessing in disguise.
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  • QzeesQzees member
    100 Comments
    My FI is involved - probably too much...  But he is a procrastinator like everyone else's (not just wedding stuff - everything).  I on the other hand like to do things right away, I hate leaving things until last minute.  He only has a couple of things on his To Do List - simple things that he can "THINK" of during his 1 hr to work & 1 hr drive home everyday...  That would be:  Son/Mommy dance choice...  GM gifts...  Song for his montage of pics (I picked mine out & the ones that are both of us)...  Really simple stuff to us, but not to him for some reason. 

    I asked him to call the florist on Monday since it is a friend of his.  The florist told us to come see him after Mother's Day to decide on the flowers.  Well, it's Friday - who wants to bet if he made that call today...  Nope, not worth taking that bet - it's a losing battle.  He tells me to trust him that it will get done, but the problem isn't IF it will get done, it is WHEN it will get done. 

    So funny to read this post because we had a big bicker fest over this just last night.  He told me to TRUST him, that it will get done.  Like I said above, I know it will get done, just nothing like doing it at the wire.  Opposites attract...  But I still love him & can not picture my life without him :)
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  • There are times I just have to let my FI know how stressed I am about getting stuff done.  Once I let him know about that he did what I wanted him to very quickly.  I also gave my FI jobs that he enjoys doing.  He is in charge of the honeymoon, the food, and the rehearsal dinner.  He's done a good job on those.  You really need to talk to him though.
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  • My FI is the exact same way. The rewards system sounds like the way to go. I'll have to try it! 

    I went so far as to have our coordinator email FI with a to-do list, because he doesn't listen to me. Unfortunately, that did not work either. I understand that he doesn't really care too much about the decorative stuff (flowers, linens etc). I really do wish he would give his input on music, and attire though. So far I have picked out everything that they GUYS are wearing. 

    Oh well, I guess what matter's is that I know deep down he is excited. After it's all said and done, I know that all the stress/anxiety I'm feeling now will be worth it. 
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  • I am SO glad to hear I'm in the same boat!  I love him so much, but sometimes I want to SHAKE him!!  Gah!
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