VENT

SonaliPop

I'm just blowing some steam!

Don't mind me, happy planning brides...and groom!

Does anyone ever feel like their life can't start until their wedding hits? I have a degree and I want to get a masters, but being in a relationship with someone who lives in another country when I have plans to move to be with them post-nuptials makes everything hard. I can't begin a masters degree...who knows when I will move? If whatever classes I start now will be of use there? If I will be able to focus and carry a long distance relationship? Better yet, the semester has started - so I couldn't apply til next year, and what then? Will I be engaged and planning a wedding? I can't study and then stop and then move and try to start again. Starting and completing my studies in one place makes more sense.

I work in a dead end retail job where the drama is out of control. As someone with a degree it is awful to stand there listening to petty commands and try to force sales on people. But I do it because I am not sure if I should find a full time job or what I should even look for - is my future boss going to understand if I have to take a few days off to go overseas or to spend here with my boyfriend if he visits? What if I need to move suddenly?

I want to start the rest of my life and get to planning this wedding and move so I can study or find a full time job and not worry about having to take time off or plannning a wedding alongside it or being in a long distance relationship. My BF has finished all his education - he has a doctorate! - and I am still trying to pursue a masters! I am feeling overwhelmed with every Aunty and Uncle turning their nose up at my job like I am an idiot! I want to have a job and a life I am proud of and move on but it can't happen until everything else takes place.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

raangoli

I feel your frustratin, Sonali! While my situation was different, I felt like I wasn't taken seriously as an adult in the eyes of my parents until I was engaged. After I got engaged it was a whole other ballgame. There were some long frustrating years in there since I am now 31...

But from what you've said, you've made some very mature decisions already about waiting to pursue your degree, wondering whether you will be able to give it your full attention. I am of the opinion that if you are content with the decisions you have made and where you are, then it doesn't matter what the random Aunties and Uncles think. They obviously have nothing better to do than judge others and I have no patience for that.

Your post yesterday said that you think your engagement is around the corner, which is fantastic. Have you talked to your boyfriend about your frustrations in the meantime? Does he have any advice to offer? Have you looked into whether if you started a graduate program here if they would be able to transfer the credits to the UK? (I would think that there must be a way, but I don't know for sure.)

I am not sure if I was helpful, but just know that in time things will work out the way they were intended to, I swear. It really does work that way!

Hinaj

Oh Sonali, I am so sorry you are feeling so frustrated.  I do understand having things on hold when you don't know what's going to happen that can change all of it. 

First of all, have you guys talked about the wedding, when you are planning on having it?  I think that is the biggest thing for FI and me.  After we had decided when we want to get married, we put everything around it and it seems to work for us, so it doesn't seem like everything is dependent on one event.  I don't know maybe that can help you out too, if you know the wedding isn't for another year or two, then you can either work full time or go get your masters.  But if you will be engaged and married soon, then believe me you will have your hands full with planning a wedding.  Also, don't worry about what other people are saying, it is your life and you should live it in your own time table. 

With the job, I say go for the full time, might as well use your degree  while waiting and you never know you can luck out and have a very cool boss, like mine, when I had to take a week off while FI was moving out of NOLA, they were super cool about it, she just asked that I get whatever that needs to be done before I left and that was it and she did some of my work while I was gone too and I had only been with the company for 4 months.  But I did give them a warning with FI and my situation so it did not come out of nowhere to them.  I think as long as there is no excessive days off every month, I think most would be okay with it.  I think every six months or so might work out especially during holidays and long weekends.  It can always work out. 

MrsBM

*hug* Sonali
I know what you mean....like in life you feel like you are in a stand still because you are waiting on one thing to happen.

I think we all experience this from time to time...where you can't accomplish your goals until you get past one big milestone.

I totally agree that getting married is super important....but furthering your educations also is important.  Once you get married other priorities may come onto your plate...buying a home or having a baby.  

Definitely something to think about...here are some questions you can try and answer which should help you make youre decision...
-How long will your Masters take?
-Do you think it will be easier to study once you've finalized where you'll be settled?
-Do you want to do more education after a Masters?

We are here if you need to throw some ideas around

Trupti8584

Hi Sonali,

I  understand. My situation was a bit different but I have realised one thing that I cannot make everyone happy. I don't want to beat myself up in my later years for not doing what I wanted to do.
I agree with the girls that you shouldn't let others force you into doing something. Having said that, looks like YOU want to know where you are headed. So while you figure that out you may apply for a full time job. Like Hina said, if you need to take a few days off, most employers are OK with that. You can ask them about it when you interview. If you need to move, thats fine too. You would need to give them a few days notice I think, unless you sign a contract that stops you from leaving the job until you work for a certain number of days/months.
I agree with you about Masters. I think it will take up a lot of your time and you may not be able to give it the dedicated effort it requires, given your situation.
Just take your time and decide whats best for you and know that you are not alone.

HisBelovedOne

The ladies above all offered great advice, so I'll just repeat the *hugs* part. I'm sorry you're frustrated!

kpwedkk

Ditto everyone! <super duper hugs>

I would say, go for a Master's seriously!  When you do get engaged, will it be more likely that you'll have a very short engagement period or a very long one?  If it's super short, then when you move to the other country, start applying to colleges there.  If it's a super long engagement, then apply and start your master's now!

SonaliPop

Post marriage, we have no issues with a house and no immediate plan (like for five years) for kids. So, studying won't be an issue.

I estimate we'll be engaged sometime within the next six months, and the engagement wouldn't be long enough for me to start a masters and study in that time and make headway on it before having to pack up and go. Classes start next fall - so, a year from now or so. So, who knows what will be happening then?

My in laws to be don't care that I'd like to study more, and my boyfriend would like nothing more for me to do than study.

The Aunties and Uncles questions trigger shame, I guess, even though I work hard at whatever I do. Their kids are always seemingly successful every time we talk. Even though that is very unlikely, it still stings to have that conversation!

A masters would take a year or two.

I am lucky I don't have to worry about a house or other issues. So, I can concentrate on what I want to do. So, at least that's not stressful to me!

kpwedkk

[QUOTE]The Aunties and Uncles questions trigger shame, I guess, even though I work hard at whatever I do. Their kids are always seemingly successful every time we talk. Even though that is very unlikely, it still stings to have that conversation![/QUOTE]

This happens with me too!  Maybe the parents keep exaggerating their successes... Keep your head up, those stings, inwardly you can change them to laughable incidents or something... like this one...

OMG... my son works 24 hours a day, and has a nice fancy house... blah blah bladdy blah blah...

and the inward laugh... he must wear the same clothes every day, saved his wardrobe/closet with additional clothes haha...