1 out of 2 Parents on Board

sustot

I met with my parents today to go over the menu and other details. While my wife and I are footing the bill, we are still trying to include both sets parents in every detail of our wedding.  My father has been on board since day one and I couldn't be happier.  He has even traveled with us to New Orleans to look at venues - Mom has been a little harder to get to come on board (she was also the one that kicked me out of the house at the age of 17).
Today was going great until dad left the room and I took that time to ask my mother for a favor.  I asked if she would mind giving me "something borrowed" for the wedding.  Her response was:  "Do you want my dirty underwear?"  Honestly, I was way to stunned to even respond at first.  I think every emotion possible ran thru my body in a matter of seconds.  My dad re-entered the room by the time I finally gathered myself and all I could muster was "is that your final answer."  I felt like I was on a game show.  She, of course, replied yes.  He immediately asked what was going on...prob because I was about to burst into tears.  I didn't say anything.  I just took the paperwork and left.
I understand if she isn't on board - fine.  But, there was no reason to respond that way.  Just say I'd rather not.  I really don't want her at my wedding I'm sooo ticked. I'm afraid to tell my dad what she said because I know this will cause an argument between them and I don't want that.  But how can I tell him only he can come to the wedding?  Can I trust that he won't bring her - I don't know.
Mother Goose and Jiminy Cricket - how can she be so friggin' cold and heartless?

2dBride

As a mother myself, I can't imagine being that cold and heartless to any child of mine.  But unfortunately, I had a mother who was similarly heartless.  (In my mother's case, it wasn't even related to my being lesbian--she disliked me pretty much from birth, or maybe even conception.)

Unfortunately, there is no way you can "make" her be different.  I have only two suggestions.  First, stop trying to include her in every detail of the planning.  She's obviously seeing that as trying to get her approval--an approval she is unwilling to give.  Your best bet is to plan without her, so she gets the message that this is something you are going to do, with or without her approval.

Second, invite both your parents, but tell your father about the comment she made.  I realize that you don't want to cause trouble between them.  However, he needs to know her attitude, so he can make the decision either to come without her or to monitor her so she doesn't make inappropriate comments at the wedding itself.

You would, of course, be morally entitled not to invite her at all.  However, that step is typically not a good one for you so long as you hold out any hope for her ever being someone you want in your life.  Plus, it has the potential of causing your father to feel like he has to stay home in solidarity with her.  For now, I'd say your best bet is to make sure that if she is there, someone is "babysitting" her to keep her from adding negativity to your wedding.

Michelyn B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_1-out-of-2-parents-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:092a26a0-14b6-4adc-9d20-6181ff6a98bbPost:39eb4c66-e8a4-473a-b4a0-b5833f4dd24f">Re: 1 out of 2 Parents on Board</a>:
[QUOTE]As a mother myself, I can't imagine being that cold and heartless to any child of mine.  But unfortunately, I had a mother who was similarly heartless.  (In my mother's case, it wasn't even related to my being lesbian--she disliked me pretty much from birth, or maybe even conception.) Unfortunately, there is no way you can "make" her be different.  I have only two suggestions.  First, stop trying to include her in every detail of the planning.  She's obviously seeing that as trying to get her approval--an approval she is unwilling to give.  Your best bet is to plan without her, so she gets the message that this is something you are going to do, with or without her approval. Second, invite both your parents, but tell your father about the comment she made.  I realize that you don't want to cause trouble between them.  However, he needs to know her attitude, so he can make the decision either to come without her or to monitor her so she doesn't make inappropriate comments at the wedding itself. You would, of course, be morally entitled not to invite her at all.  However, that step is typically not a good one for you so long as you hold out any hope for her ever being someone you want in your life.  Plus, it has the potential of causing your father to feel like he has to stay home in solidarity with her.  For now, I'd say your best bet is to make sure that if she is there, someone is "babysitting" her to keep her from adding negativity to your wedding.
Posted by 2dBride[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with 2dBride!
I'm going through something similar with FMIL. You should tell your father about the inappropriate remark, he most likely sensed your emotions anyway. Invite your mother, just try to be prepared for her incase she does show. If she doesn't then, you've done what you can. Best wishes 

mOKOd

That's a tough one.  I do agree with what the other posters are saying but darn having someone sitting during the ceremony and reception throwing negative (maybe even hateful looks) my way would be too much of a distraction for me personally. 

I hope your dad can help in this situation.  Does she even want to come to the wedding in the first place? 

NeedFavors

So sad.... but I'd give her a way out. Tell her that you'd love to have her loving, accepting self at your wedding, but if she doesn't feel that way you'd rather she not come.

Hoping for the best for you, but I think you need to realize that there are some things you can't change.