I'm gender queer and really struggling with the dress thing

anssett

I'm straight, but identify as REALLY gender queer. I am a super tomboy and proud of it. I like carrying my pocket knifes and wearing my baggy sweatshirts and I think I'm gorgous. Around age 18 just putting on a dress/skirt made me cry and I didn't want to be controlled by that so I've been slowly working my way to at least having the flexibility to wear whatever I want and rock it.

I'm now 32, MUCH more gender fluid, I own a couple dresses/skirts, but it's a HUGE emotional effort to move from feeling ridiculous to feeling pretty while dressing up in 'girl drag'. Once I cross a threshold and am dressed up I usually forget how hard it was, but it's still a struggle. I want to wear a dress at my wedding because I want to feel like a fairy princess. :-) Well, maybe wood nymph. That's my vision. I like playful dresses that feel joyous and carefree and whimsical. That's the feminine style I'm most comfortable with and the one I've built the wedding plan around (10 people total, outdoors under a cherry tree).

But now I'm struggling with the actual finding or custom ordering a dress. I hate shopping! I find it very hard to fit my body. I think I'm gorgous naked but can't pull that off for my wedding. :-) I did a bunch of fruitless shopping, I tried to sew something myself but have become disheartened, and now I keep breaking down crying and worrying I won't feel pretty and I won't feel OK and I'll feel like I'm wearing a costume. My fiance is amazing and will support me in any way. I just want to hear that other people have felt this way and I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. 

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_im-gender-queer-and-really-struggling-with-the-dress-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:f46b4bdd-9406-4f3d-9031-8dbf9227af40Post:eef096ed-695e-4500-a1ac-02ef84f560f6">I'm gender queer and really struggling with the dress thing</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm straight, but identify as REALLY gender queer. I am a super tomboy and proud of it. I like carrying my pocket knifes and wearing my baggy sweatshirts and I think I'm gorgous. Around age 18 just putting on a dress/skirt made me cry and I didn't want to be controlled by that so I've been slowly working my way to at least having the flexibility to wear whatever I want and rock it. I'm now 32, MUCH more gender fluid, I own a couple dresses/skirts, but it's a HUGE emotional effort to move from feeling ridiculous to feeling pretty while dressing up in 'girl drag'. Once I cross a threshold and am dressed up I usually forget how hard it was, but it's still a struggle. I want to wear a dress at my wedding because I want to feel like a fairy princess. :-) Well, maybe wood nymph. That's my vision. I like playful dresses that feel joyous and carefree and whimsical. That's the feminine style I'm most comfortable with and the one I've built the wedding plan around (10 people total, outdoors under a cherry tree). But now I'm struggling with the actual finding or custom ordering a dress. I hate shopping! I find it very hard to fit my body. I think I'm gorgous naked but can't pull that off for my wedding. :-) I did a bunch of fruitless shopping, I tried to sew something myself but have become disheartened, and now I keep breaking down crying and worrying I won't feel pretty and I won't feel OK and I'll feel like I'm wearing a costume. My fiance is amazing and will support me in any way. I just want to hear that other people have felt this way and I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. 
Posted by anssett[/QUOTE]

Maybe you should consider buying a non-wedding dress.  Like something that makes you feel good, but not super "wedding-y"?   Consider getting a dress with some color.  that might take some of the edge off.

QueerFemme

Also, try looking at dresses that are meant for destination weddings.  If you are still up for looking like a bride/princess, you might find that the DW dresses are a little more "flowy" and might give you the feeling you are looking for.

I have no idea what your body shape is, and whether you want a dress to hug your curves or be big and flowy, but here are a couple that struck me as I was looking for ideas for you:

http://www.alfredangelo.com/collections/productdisplay.aspx?productID=b57e8bcc-38b6-48a9-a824-fce1a7663273&categoryID=b09c3e56-c489-4883-b875-9bc72bf52bd1&pg=1&colorId1=

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_High-Low-Off-the-Shoulder-Satin-Ball-Gown-CKP558_Bridal-Gowns-Shop-By-Trend-Vintage-Inspired

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Crinkle-Chiffon-Column-Gown-with-Sheer-Straps-VW351139_Bridal-Gowns-Shop-By-Style-Destination

For something like this, consider pairing it with a colored sash, instead of the white sash with flower.  It might help get it more to your liking.
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Tea-Length-Dotted-Organza-Wedding-Gown-WG3514_Bridal-Gowns-Shop-By-Style-Destination

Or, you could go with something like this...

http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/sugar-pearls-dress

http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/poetry-department-dress

good luck!  Don't give up hope. The right dress is out there, you just have to find the right style for you.  Just remember, it doesn't have to say "wedding dress" for it to BE a wedding dress. 

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] I just want to hear that other people have felt this way and I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. [/QUOTE]<div><div>
</div><div>Your reasons may be different, but your experience is all too common, especially over on the plus-size boards.  So, coming from a size 28 who broke down in tears more than once just thinking about dress shopping - you are not alone, you are not crazy, and it <em>will </em>be OK.  Your finace already knows you're beautiful, and somewhere out there are the clothes that will help you know it, too.</div><div>
</div><div>Having a hard-to-fit body is common, too, but there really are options out there for every shape.  Alterations can help with that - a wedding dress is the one thing pretty much everyone has altered at least a little.  You might look at a "corset" back too.  Laces help fit a dress to your body at the exact size and shape it is on your wedding day.  (It also isn't any more confining than a zipper back would be, but you would need help putting it on, so your comfort level may vary.)</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know where you've shopped, or what your experience was, so I don't know how to help there, but I'd definitely avoid David's Bridal.  The chain tends to rely on high-pressure tactics and push for a rapid purchase, which is the opposite of helpful.</div><div>
</div><div>You do not need a traditional wedding gown, or even a dress at all, if that isn't what makes you happy.   You don't say what you've been looking at so far.  Have you considered bridesmaid dresses?  "Wood nymph" to me means green.  A lot of styles are available in chiffon, which fits "playful" and "carefree" to me more than satin and beads.  <a href="http://www.alfredangelo.com/collections/productdisplay.aspx?productID=88d0750c-ad2c-4dab-83c8-efd24d7a8e81&categoryID=caed91b4-d73a-4a83-9c04-2608cd65d718&pg=1&colorId1=" target="_blank" title="like this" rel="nofollow">http://www.alfredangelo.com/collections/productdisplay.aspx?productID=88d0750c-ad2c-4dab-83c8-efd24d7a8e81&categoryID=caed91b4-d73a-4a83-9c04-2608cd65d718&pg=1&colorId1=</a>   Or, as a PP mentioned, "destination wedding" dresses are often more simple and breezy.</div></div>

AndreaV26

Have you tried looking at bridesmaids dresses for yourself? I had a friend that did that, just picked a bridesmaids dress style she liked and ordered it in white and used it for her dress. Just an idea!

chunkiesundae

Do you want to wear pants? If you do, wear pants- who the hell cares what anyone else thinks. It's YOUR Wedding and YOUR day, and your finance is aware of how you dress on a day-to-day basis, so it wouldn't be shocking.

http://www.weddinginspirasi.com/2009/12/04/alberta-ferretti-wedding-bridal-collection/
in the second pic down on the right- that is still feminine, but not too girly and it's crazy unique! Almost to the point of making me think about pants, and i"m a girly girl!

http://www.weddinginspirasi.com/2011/11/21/stephanie-allin-wedding-dresses-2012-jazz-age-bridal-collection/
10th one down

http://howtolivelikeanomaniprincess.blogspot.com/2010/10/wardrobe-guide-for-expats-in-oman.html

There's a white skirt suit - seems like the tailored look might add a little less fem and make things a little more tailored and comfortable to you.

EdensGarden

Honey, you are 100% not crazy. I  had a genderqueer friend in college who was planning his 

lesbian wedding and kept having crying breakdowns about the dress. In his case, he felt pressured to wear a dress because, well, everyone knew him as a girl and made bride-y expectations of him. He also described dresses as "girl drag"  and really only felt comfortable in swishy hippie-ish broomstick skirts that felt more like little-kid dress-up than grown-up gender-wear. So while his fiancee found herself a big ballroom-gown, he ended up looking at everything from utilikilts to leggings under a dress to less expensive elegant evening gowns with a lot of flow to them. 

You said that you wanted to wear a dress at your wedding because you still want that fairy-princess-wood-nymph feeling, and that means go for it. You've put in a fuckton of work, for years, getting okay with dresses, and honey, if you want to rock that on your wedding day then that is exactly what you'll do. The people you're asking to come spend this day with you are the people who love you and want to come together with you to celebrate your and your fiance's love, and the big journey that you two are embarking upon now. They love you in your sweatpants, they love you in your flowy dresses, and hell, they'd probably love you if you walked down that aisle naked. Sometimes the people who love you don't really get you, and they're not going to magically become more compassionate or understanding just because it's your wedding. Screw 'em. 

This day is partly for the community, sure, but they're not coming to the ceremony for the free cake. They're there for you, because of how much they love you. In the end, what you wear on your wedding day is just clothes. You'll take them off at the end of the day and get in bed with your beloved and then a whole new adventure begins. So when you start freaking out that there is no way you can do this right, in a way that will still be happy and comfortable for you, give yourself a little perspective check. It's just clothes. You're smokin' without 'em.

Koneko

Genderqueer here, too. I thoroughly love my girl drag, but performativity is my comfort zone and it's totally not everyone's. I copletely understand the desire to feel genuine in such a vulnerable, real moment. I highly recommend just shopping for dresses anywhere you'd normally consider getting them. For a flowy woods nymph with a hard to fit body, I'd definitely look at all the alternative shops around, all the hippies and homeopaths and yoga gyms with a clothes rack. You'd be amazed at all the gorgeous, pastel tiedye wavy tiered dresses I've seen the past few years.

And don't make straightness enforce gender expression. My roommate's sorta-still-straight and transitioning to male hormones and maybe surgery, so ze's fortunate zir fiance is flexible. I'm sure if yours loves your everyday style, he's going to love whatever you feel comfortable in at your guys' wedding.

theshewolf

I would check out this website for some inspiration. 

http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com

It's a lesbian and queer wedding photography blog. You can see the different types of representation and expression in the photos. Some have two traditional feminine brides, some have one of each, some of two more masculine-identified brides some are fancy, some are casual. There are a few queer/trans weddings thrown in there but its pretty lesbian dominated. Anyways maybe for some ideas and inspiration. A lot of people go through what you are regardless of gender identity. I know a lot of cis women who would opt for cigarette pants and a tailored jacket, a shirt skirt combo or just a men's styled suit tailored to their bodies. I'm a cis woman and I love the idea of your wood-nymph inspired dress. Somebody also recommended it but just stray away from traditional salons. I'm sure something is out there. 

And if you see this, I would love to hear how you identify as both being gender queer and straight. My perspective and understanding is that if your gender doesn't fall within the binary, how can your sexuality. Hetero is sameness. So if you are gender queer/fluid you don't identify as a female and therefore you wouldn't be in a straight female relationship? You would be a gender queer person attracted to females. But gender and sexuality is clearly not easily defined and that was very simplified. Just curious, I like learning about the different ways of identifying, expressing, etc.