Tug of War

porky

Hi there.  I do not want to vent, but I have to get some things off my chest.  First off, my bridal shower is tomorrow and while I should be excited and happy, I am not.

In March, my FI, me and my brother moved into an apartment.  We were helping my brother out by allowing him to stay with us until October 1st.  It has been very stressful with all of our personalities and quirks.  My brother used my car whenever he wanted, and would often return it with no gas, put quite a bit of miles on my car, never cleaned his room, etc.  Although I was frustrated, I told myself it was not permanent and that October is just around the corner.

My FI felt quick differently - he hates watching my brother take advantage of me and is really bothered by his presence.  My FI and I have been fighting a lot since we all moved into the apartment.  FI wants to work on our relationship, but told me that my brother had to be out by Sept. 1st.  My brother overheard this fight and in a text told me that he would be out by  Sept. 1st. 

My brother stopped talking to me.  Then he was having medical problems.  When my mother told him in a conversation that he needed to be out in 1 week, he started calling himself vulgar names, and was crying and said that he did not have any money towards our rent.  My parents offered to let him stay with them for a few weeks until he found a place of his own - he rejected it.

I reached out to my brother a few days ago, and he text me back telling me that I no longer needed to contact him.  I was hurt and I know he is hurt.  I am torn and have been sick to my stomach for quite some time.  I feel like I am the rope in a game of tug of war - I seek each person's side, but no one takes how i feel to heart because they only see their side.  My family is very important to me and so is my FI - I do not want to feel like I have to choose between them.

I heard today that he found a place to live and know that God provided that for him.  I am not supposed to know that he found a place and was told that he does not want his new address given out.

My family has had a roller coaster of a year - tensions have run high and we have all been put to a number of tests.  I want to let my brother know that I love him and that I am sorry but he will not even look at me. 

I told my FI that I am hurt and stressed, but he does not understand.  He is estranged from him family.  This has not been an easy few months and I am now walking on eggshells everywhere I go.

My mother told me that I need to let go of my feelings and be happy at my shower and I am trying.  I pray that my brother forgives me and that my FI and brother will eventually make amends.

Please pray for all of us - we desperately need it.

Thanks,
Carrie

AshNoel8

Wow, I am so sorry to hear all this. Family is important to me too and I would be devastated if my brother wasn't talking to me. I wouldn't be able to hide it for my shower either. It's okay to feel this way. Keep trying to reach out to him, but not so much that it pushes him away even more. Maybe you can write him a letter and give it to someone who knows where he lives. Or e-mail him. Just explain the situation and how you feel. Let him know that you love him and no argument is worth ending a strong sibling relationship over. As for the shower, try to enjoy yourself, as hard as it is. After all, it is the only one you'll get. I will definitely pray for you and your family!! 

iamjoesgurl

<span class="Apple-style-span">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_tug-of-war?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f53af02b-5214-4e54-8f2e-72a9a01e0933Post:ee1733c2-1bf8-4653-9a88-c52395d79c46">Tug of War</a>:
[QUOTE] We were helping my brother out by allowing him to stay with us until October 1st.  It has been very stressful with all of our personalities and quirks.  My brother used my car whenever he wanted, and would often return it with no gas, put quite a bit of miles on my car, never cleaned his room, etc. </span>[/QUOTE]<div><span class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I would be with your FI on this one.  It was not right of your brother to take advantage of you when you were trying to help him.  Hopefully he will come to realize what you did for him and that you love him.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span>[QUOTE] My brother overheard this fight and in a text told me that he would be out by  Sept. 1st.  My brother stopped talking to me.  Then he was having medical problems.  When my mother told him in a conversation that he needed to be out in 1 week, he started calling himself vulgar names, and was crying and said that he did not have any money towards our rent.  My parents offered to let him stay with them for a few weeks until he found a place of his own - he rejected it. I reached out to my brother a few days ago, and he text me back telling me that I no longer needed to contact him.  [/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like he is going through a rough time and although you want to help him, it sounds like the best thing for you to focus on right now is strengthening your relationship with FI.  Your brother probably just needs time.  He'll come around.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]My mother told me that I need to let go of my feelings and be happy at my shower and I am trying.  I pray that my brother forgives me and that my FI and brother will eventually make amends. [/QUOTE]</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Yes, enjoy!  This is your day to be pampered and celebrated.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I'll be praying for you all.</span></div>

mrandmrsbrist

I will definitely pray.

porky

Thank you all.  It really hurts that he ignores me.  I am the oldest of 5 and always feel like I need to help my siblings if and when they need help.  It is how I show others I love them.  I hope he comes around when some time has past.

I will try to enjoy my shower.  I have been stalking my registry and am looking forward to seeing some out of state family.

Thanks again for your words of widsom, encouragement and advice.

Carrie