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Wedding Woes

Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(

Last night I was out drinking with my fiance with some friends, and I caught one of my bridesmaids cheating on her longterm boyfriend (who is one of my groomsmen). :(

I texted her about it, and she's going to leave him (groomsman). I'm really broken up for them, but I'm also concerned about how to handle this (in regards to my wedding). Both of them are very close friends of mine and my fiance, and I can't picture not having either of them in our wedding (not to mention the fact that my wedding is less than 5 mo. away, and all dresses/suits have been purchased, etc. etc.). However, this is obviously going to get very ugly very quickly, and I'm concerned about things being awkward at the wedding.

My fiance and I are meeting with her later today to have a more indepth talk with her as to what is going on, as we both care very deeply about her and her happiness (and that of our groomsman), and this will probably get brought up. 

I'd really appreciate feedback. What would you do? Should I continue with the original plan to have them both in the wedding?? Should I just kick them both out of the bridal party? I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. :(
Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
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Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(

  • In Response to Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    Last night I was out drinking with my fiance with some friends, and I caught one of my bridesmaids cheating on her longterm boyfriend (who is one of my groomsmen). :( I texted her about it, and she's going to leave him (groomsman). I'm really broken up for them, but I'm also concerned about how to handle this (in regards to my wedding). Both of them are very close friends of mine and my fiance, and I can't picture not having either of them in our wedding (not to mention the fact that my wedding is less than 5 mo. away, and all dresses/suits have been purchased, etc. etc.). However, this is obviously going to get very ugly very quickly, and I'm concerned about things being awkward at the wedding. My fiance and I are meeting with her later today to have a more indepth talk with her as to what is going on, as we both care very deeply about her and her happiness (and that of our groomsman), and this will probably get brought up.  I'd really appreciate feedback. What would you do? Should I continue with the original plan to have them both in the wedding?? Should I just kick them both out of the bridal party? I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. :(
    Posted by amanda0543

    Why do you and your FI have to tag-team her?  Who's friend is she? 

    Also, I just get the feeling the meeting is less about her happiness and a 'what's going on with you?' thing and more about wedding damage-control.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    In Response to Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :( : Why do you and your FI have to tag-team her?  Who's friend is she?  Also, I just get the feeling the meeting is less about her happiness and a 'what's going on with you?' thing and more about wedding damage-control.
    Posted by mrs.conn23
    She's a mutual friend. I met her through my fiance several years ago. He's known her since highschool (going on 10 years). We were both there last night, both saw what happened, and are both concerned. Neither one of us wants to hear what is going on with her second hand.

    Why would you assume that? Because I brought up wedding concerns on a wedding board? Really?? This isn't an issue that has been brought up with anyone, but seeing as my wedding is less than 5 months away I think I have a right to be concerned about it.
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • They're both adults and you should treat them as such - let them deal with their own problems and unless they attempt to involve you, stay out of it.
    image
  • This doesn't involve you or your FI.  It involves your friend and your other friend.  They need to work it out themselves.  Neither of you need to be involved beyond supporting them both through what is going to be a difficult time.

    As far as the wedding, leave that up to them.  It sounds like everyone runs in the same social circles anyway, so this is bound to happen at more events than just your wedding.  They'll have to learn to be adults and be socially polite.  The only thing I would say you should do is not have them walk down the aisle together or sit next to each other.  That's as far as your wedding concerns need to go.
  • Inserting yourself into someone else's relationship problems never ends well.  You have 5 months until your wedding, which is almost half a year.  Hopefully this will be resolved one way or another.   How they resolve it is none of your business.

    There's nothing to worry about right now.  They need to work out their crap on their own.

    Nothing that you've presented is a reason to kick them out of the wedding.  Unless you want to end your friendship with both of them. 
  • Have a conversation with her, if you'd like, but be sure it comes from a place of love and concern for her and her well being, as well as her boyfriend's.  This will be difficult time for them both.  Don't worry about the wedding, give them both the benefit of the doubt as I'm sure they will be grownups about the situation and want to be there to support you and celebrate with you on your big day.  She made some bad choices, but obviously things weren't right in that relationship to begin with, but hopefully you love her regardless.  Now is the time she'll need her friend, not a lecture.  Good luck. 
    image
    Meddied since 6/15/13!
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    Have a conversation with her, if you'd like, but be sure it comes from a place of love and concern for her and her well being, as well as her boyfriend's.  This will be difficult time for them both.  Don't worry about the wedding, give them both the benefit of the doubt as I'm sure they will be grownups about the situation and want to be there to support you and celebrate with you on your big day.  She made some bad choices, but obviously things weren't right in that relationship to begin with, but hopefully you love her regardless.  Now is the time she'll need her friend, not a lecture.  Good luck. 
    Posted by radleyboo
    I have no desire to lecture her, I'm just really concerned as it was very out of character for her. :(

    I'm concerned about drama at the wedding, though. I hope that things will be alright, but I don't want to have to make last minute changes to the wedding party if they're not. Also, at this point I'm curious if it is possible to change the wedding party without having them know it's because I'm scared of any ensuing drama, seeing as how right now the only people who know about this are my fiance and I. It wouldn't be terribly hard to call him up and say that my brother really wants to be in my wedding party, and asking if he would mind if they switched places, and seeing as how he doesn't know (and I have no desire to get into the middle of their relationship and tell him) hopefully he wouldn't make the connection. Not to say that I don't care about him, and having him in my wedding party, but I'd like to avoid as much drama as possible without damaging our friendships. Mainly I'm just scared that if I just hope for the best I'll have to make some tough last minute calls that will definitely hurt them and damage my relationship with them.
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • Is he stupid?  B/c if you ask him out, then she supposedly breaks up with him, he's going to know that you've basically picked her over him.  Unless he's stupid, then he might not.

    Stop worrying about your wedding.  There won't be drama; unless you're having a 10 person guest list, you can keep them separate.  You are gonig to be busy anyway, assign someone the job to keep a lookout for drama if you're so bloody concerned.   

    Stop looking at everything through "my wedding' glasses.  What would you do if you didn't have a wedding coming up, for her and for him?  Whatever that answer is, do that.  Not what you're thinking about with your wedding glasses.
  • 5 months is a long time, they may break up and get back together, or they may both have other partners by then.  Anything can happen, and if you get in the middle of it you will most likely lose one or both of them as friends.  Stay out of it, when wedding time comes do your best to keep them apart if you need to but don't ask either of them to step down.

  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    Is he stupid?  B/c if you ask him out, then she supposedly breaks up with him, he's going to know that you've basically picked her over him.  Unless he's stupid, then he might not. Stop worrying about your wedding.  There won't be drama; unless you're having a 10 person guest list, you can keep them separate.  You are gonig to be busy anyway, assign someone the job to keep a lookout for drama if you're so bloody concerned.    Stop looking at everything through "my wedding' glasses.  What would you do if you didn't have a wedding coming up, for her and for him?  Whatever that answer is, do that.  Not what you're thinking about with your wedding glasses.
    Posted by VarunaTT
    I must be smoking crack, because I could have sworn that this was a WEDDING board about WEDDING woes on a WEDDING website. You notice how I'm posting this on a board with people who don't know me (or them) from jack as opposed to bringing it up to their faces?? Could it be because it's a private concern I'm having about my wedding, and I'd like feedback that doesn't create conflict for people I care about? I'm not allowed to have concerns about my wedding now?

    Also, how am I supposed to keep my bridal party separate? "Oh hey, at the rehearsal dinner can you not show up because [groomsman] is going to be there, and I'm trying to keep you separate."
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :( : I must be smoking crack, because I could have sworn that this was a WEDDING board about WEDDING woes on a WEDDING website. You notice how I'm posting this on a board with people who don't know me (or them) from jack as opposed to bringing it up to their faces?? Could it be because it's a private concern I'm having about my wedding, and I'd like feedback that doesn't create conflict for people I care about? I'm not allowed to have concerns about my wedding now? Also, how am I supposed to keep my bridal party separate? "Oh hey, at the rehearsal dinner can you not show up because [groomsman] is going to be there, and I'm trying to keep you separate."
    Posted by amanda0543
    Newsflash: The world does not stop for your wedding.  People will break-up, get pregnant, die, get new jobs, lose their job, eat, drink, sleep, have sex, get sick, etc. even though you're having a wedding.

    The status of your friend's relationship is COMPLETELY SEPARATE from your wedding.  And right now, you're what-if-ing yourself (and us) to death.  Let them work their crap out.  IF there is a concern closer to your wedding (like they are having knock-down-drag-out fights in public or  someone takes a restraining order out on someont else), deal with it at that time.

    At this point, wait for your friends to come to you with their concerns about their relationship and keep on keepin' on like you were before.
  • It is a wedding board.  People have told you how to deal with this situation in relation to your wedding.  The answer is: you don't.  Your wedding is NOT an issue when it comes to your personal relationships.  It's one day.  If this was any other party, you wouldn't be behaving this way, would you?  You asked for advice, you got it:  don't let your wedding outrank your friends.

    I'm sure they can keep themselves separated when there isn't assigned stuff to do because I'm going to assume they've been walking, talking and in charge of their own personal space for a good 15 years now.  But when there is assigned stuff, don't put them together.  See how easy that is?
  • C&P folks, C&P Last night I was out drinking with my fiance with some friends, and I caught one of my bridesmaids cheating on her longterm boyfriend (who is one of my groomsmen). :( I texted her about it, and she's going to leave him (groomsman). I'm really broken up for them, but I'm also concerned about how to handle this (in regards to my wedding). Both of them are very close friends of mine and my fiance, and I can't picture not having either of them in our wedding (not to mention the fact that my wedding is less than 5 mo. away, and all dresses/suits have been purchased, etc. etc.). However, this is obviously going to get very ugly very quickly, and I'm concerned about things being awkward at the wedding. My fiance and I are meeting with her later today to have a more indepth talk with her as to what is going on, as we both care very deeply about her and her happiness (and that of our groomsman), and this will probably get brought up. I'd really appreciate feedback. What would you do? Should I continue with the original plan to have them both in the wedding?? Should I just kick them both out of the bridal party? I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. :(
  • Here it is as short as possible:

    You CANNOT control how these people act.  But you can control how you REACT to what is going on.  If these two people are people you'd like to keep as friends, be FRIENDLY and ask them privately what is going on.  Then accept that they are going through life-changes and TRUST that they'll act like adults.

    This is definitely a sticky situation, but before you dive in head-first...take a moment, a few days to let it settle and then contact your friend and sit down one-on-one.
    image
  • Mrs. Conn said it - unless they are having knock-down-drag-out fights in public or restraining orders are taken out, you don't need to worry about your wedding and their relationship or lack thereof. I'm sure that for ONE day (the ONE day you get), they can act like mature adults. I hope you can do the same because right now you sound like a whining child worrying about play ground fights impacting your birthday party.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :( : Newsflash: The world does not stop for your wedding.  People will break-up, get pregnant, die, get new jobs, lose their job, eat, drink, sleep, have sex, get sick, etc. even though you're having a wedding. The status of your friend's relationship is COMPLETELY SEPARATE from your wedding.  And right now, you're what-if-ing yourself (and us) to death.
    Why are you replying to this? Seriously, I'm genuinely curious. You obviously have a problem with me being concerned about my wedding, and don't like that I posted a question about it. No one is forcing you to read and/or reply to my post, so why do you keep coming back to it? The only person who is anything-ing you to death is yourself, because (once again) no one is forcing you to read this and last time I checked as an individual with free will you have the option to just ignore the post.

    Let me see if I understand... if I care about the people in my life all my other thoughts are supposed to go completely silent? Is that how this works? If I have a passing thought about damage control for my wedding, and post it on a WEDDING board, that means that I expect the world to stop for my wedding?

    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • I C+P'd Pmeg!
  • I really don't understand why you don't get this.

    You've gotten advice on how to deal with your wedding concerns.  Keep them both in the party (your poll has 6 answers, all of which choose keep in party, go on with planning) and to keep the separated during assigned things (walking down the aisle, your assigned seating, whatever else you have to assign people to positions to).  If you're really concerned your friends can't act like adults on that day, assign a watcher to control it for you.

    What other concern do you still have?  NO ONE on this board or any other board, except for maybe another noob, is going to tell you to kick one of them out to relieve your ill-founded anxiety.  So, if that's what you want to hear, you'd better head on over to weddingbee or whatever that is.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :( : Why are you replying to this? Seriously, I'm genuinely curious. You obviously have a problem with me being concerned about my wedding, and don't like that I posted a question about it. No one is forcing you to read and/or reply to my post, so why do you keep coming back to it? The only person who is anything-ing you to death is yourself, because (once again) no one is forcing you to read this and last time I checked as an individual with free will you have the option to just ignore the post. Let me see if I understand... if I care about the people in my life all my other thoughts are supposed to go completely silent? Is that how this works? If I have a passing thought about damage control for my wedding, and post it on a WEDDING board, that means that I expect the world to stop for my wedding?
    Posted by amanda0543
    Your post and poll are ALL about the potential impact their relatioship status could have on your wedding.   You may be concerned for her and him, but it's certainly not coming across in your post or replies.
  • I must be smoking crack, because I could have sworn that this was a WEDDING board about WEDDING woes on a WEDDING website.

    For some reason that made me giggle.
    image
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    I really don't understand why you don't get this. You've gotten advice on how to deal with your wedding concerns.  Keep them both in the party (your poll has 6 answers, all of which choose keep in party, go on with planning) and to keep the separated during assigned things (walking down the aisle, your assigned seating, whatever else you have to assign people to positions to).  If you're really concerned your friends can't act like adults on that day, assign a watcher to control it for you. What other concern do you still have?  NO ONE on this board or any other board, except for maybe another noob, is going to tell you to kick one of them out to relieve your ill-founded anxiety.  So, if that's what you want to hear, you'd better head on over to weddingbee or whatever that is.
    Posted by VarunaTT
    And I don't understand why you keep trolling my post if you don't want to read what I've written. You really don't understand why I'm baffled that you and Mrs.Conn23 keep giving me hell for posting about a wedding concern on a wedding website? I never complained about people's opinions. Never did I say, "Hey, why aren't you guys telling me to kick them out??" Pretty sure the only thing I did was try to have a conversation with people about something that was concerning me, and then get baffled when people were upset that I posted it in the relevent chat room.

    What the hell is a wedding noob? Am I a noob if this is the first time I'm getting married?? How many times do I have to get married before I stop being a noob? Or am I a noob if I don't stalk a chat board well before/past it is relevent to me, so that I can troll the people posting who it is relevent for?
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    I must be smoking crack , because I could have sworn that this was a WEDDING board about WEDDING woes on a WEDDING website. For some reason that made me giggle.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid
    :)
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • Darling, we are not trolling.  Please to be re-reading your post.

    You got advice from multiple people that can be encapsulated thusly:  Your 5 month away wedding doesn't have anything to do with what your friends are going through right now.  I'm not doing a bullet point again of methods we gave you to deal with any drama that might occur 5 months from now at your wedding.

    You didn't like that answer and even specifically stated, "I'm concerned re: drama at the wedding".

    So tell me again, how did we not answer you and how you are being so reasonable and rational about your friends.  We are not trolls darling, we are regulars.  And yes, noobs tend to not like the answers they get from people who have been there, done this and seen other people do this.  I don't even understand what you don't like about the first answers.  You're a validation baby.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :( : Your post and poll are ALL about the potential impact their relatioship status could have on your wedding.   You may be concerned for her and him, but it's certainly not coming across in your post or replies.
    Posted by mrs.conn23
    Because this isn't a chat room (website) about how to properly counsel/support your friends. 
    I was talking exclusively about my wedding because that is the point of this website. It is a wedding planning website (I can't believe I have to keep saying that), where you have discussions about your wedding. I posted a concern about my wedding on a board specifically for concerns about your wedding, because for some strange reason I thought that was what the board was there for.

    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • YOU GOT WEDDING ADVICE on how to plan for maybe drama 5 months from now.

    Good grief.  Reading comprehension fail, yo.
  • Oh SHYTE! this is a WEDDING PLANNING WEBSITE?!?!?! I got married almost 5 years ago. Guess I need to find the Married Hag site now.
  • The advice to stay out of it is completely valid.  I get that you're concerned about your wedding, but do not bring the bridal party up with either of your friends.  To do so would be extremely rude and show your friends you care more about your wedding than their happiness/what is going on in their lives right now.

    As someone stated above, 5 months is a long time.  They might get back together, they might not, they might enter a relationship with someone else.

    If I were in your friend's situation, would I want to walk with someone who cheated on me?  No, I wouldn't.  But it would be up to ME to decide if I could actually do it for my friend getting married or bow out on my own.

    Please let your friends handle this.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    Here it is as short as possible: You CANNOT control how these people act.  But you can control how you REACT to what is going on.  If these two people are people you'd like to keep as friends, be FRIENDLY and ask them privately what is going on.  Then accept that they are going through life-changes and TRUST that they'll act like adults. This is definitely a sticky situation, but before you dive in head-first...take a moment, a few days to let it settle and then contact your friend and sit down one-on-one.
    Posted by **O-Face**
    That's what I plan on doing. I have no desire to make any panicked changes to my wedding plans. It's just a concern that popped in my head this morning when I woke up. As I said earlier, I got concerned that if things get heated I might need to ask one/both of them to step down. Everything I've read online about situations like that have ended with the friendships being seriously damaged, which would break my heart. I don't even know when you make a call like that (kicking someone out of your wedding party). I've read a lot of comments on other posts from this website that have argued that you should kick out a cheating party member on moral grounds even if there is no drama (which is something I don't personally agree with). There's this part of me that keeps thinking if I act soon then I can avoid any chances of having my wedding caught up in their personal dilemma (and subsequently my relationship with them), but I can't honestly think of a good way to do that. The best I can come up with is exactly what you said, and just trust they'll be adults. :/
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • I think you should ask them both to dinner, TOGETHER, and ask them how they plan to proceed with theirt relationship. also make sure you let them know that your wedding is in XX months, so they need to decide what they are doing as far as their relationship. If they break up, then kick them both out. if they stay together, then you should probably keep them both in, since the numbers make a differencein the programs. but, keep in mind, they need to decide NOW, because you need to plan on how many flowers you need to order for bowkays and buttoneers.

    god luck, keep us posted. this is a tough one. i hate when people cheat on each other when they are supposed to be in a wedding.
  • In Response to Re: Caught Bridesmaid Cheating on Groomsman :(:
    Oh SHYTE! this is a WEDDING PLANNING WEBSITE?!?!?! I got married almost 5 years ago. Guess I need to find the Married Hag site now.
    Posted by DixieNormous330
    http://www.thenest.com/

    You're welcome! ^.^
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
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