Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?

forreallyserious

I am planning a wedding in late April 2012. This wedding was announced almost 6 months ago and I asked all but one of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding at the same time. I asked one of them about a month ago. I'm running into issues with people not wanting to pay for things. I am expecting my wedding party to pay for their own dresses and shoes and we're supposed to be splitting the accomodations between us.

My wedding rehearsal is on a Thursday and the wedding is on Sunday. My MoH is planning the bachelorette party for Friday night. Because my wedding party all lives over an hour away from the location, they want to stay near the venue, which makes sense. However, now I have almost all of them (or their parents for the younger girls) complaining about cost. The dresses are $140 a piece, shoes are $50, and accomodations are going to be around $150 for 4 nights (we're renting a beach house which is considerably cheaper than a hotel with the split). I'm sure they haven't even thought about hair, makeup, nails, and food.

So what is acceptable? I mean, should I be paying for their stuff? I thought it was pretty much known that cost isn't low when you agree to be in a "destination" (1 hour away) wedding.

ReturnOfKuus

I think destination weddings are unreasonable and inconsiderate in general, but an hour away means that if they don't want to pay for the room, then they can commute, right?

forreallyserious

In theory, but they don't want to commute. I didn't really consider an hour away a destination wedding at all. But if the bridal party wants to stay near the location, I don't see another option unless they're camping.

ElleB87

If you insist on a specific dress and shoe then yes you should pay for it.  If you are expecting them to have their hair and nails professionally done then yes you have to pay for it.  Food and accomodations, no you don't, as long as you have been honest with them from the get-go that your wedding would be a DW and you've given them plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements. 

According to what you've said, each person is looking at spending over 500$ on your wedding.  That can be a lot of money to some people.  Plus they will have to take time off work to come which is even less money for them at the end of the month. 

Yes, when you agree to be in a wedding most people realize that there is a cost involved, but some people really don't know what to expect or their circumstances change.  

ReturnOfKuus

Yeah, I don't think that's a destination wedding, either.  Even if you had it in one bridesmaid's backyard, the rest would have to commute, right?  Sounds like they're being pains in the ass.

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:28c0f04b-24c1-4f4e-a2dc-f219b0c8e886">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I don't think that's a destination wedding, either.  Even if you had it in one bridesmaid's backyard, the rest would have to commute, right?  <strong>Sounds like they're being pains in the ass.
</strong>Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  You're not demanding they fly out to an island on the other side of the world.  The commute is an hour.  If they don't want to pay for food and accomodations they can always hire transportation to drive them to and from (if they all pitch in together it would be pretty cheap).

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:28a3e6a0-8e11-4ae6-a71a-bfdc55c9a32d">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you insist on a specific dress and shoe then yes you should pay for it.  If you are expecting them to have their hair and nails professionally done then yes you have to pay for it.  Food and accomodations, no you don't, as long as you have been honest with them from the get-go that your wedding would be a DW and you've given them plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements.  According to what you've said, each person is looking at spending over 500$ on your wedding.  That can be a lot of money to some people.  Plus they will have to take time off work to come which is even less money for them at the end of the month.  Yes, when you agree to be in a wedding most people realize that there is a cost involved, but some people really don't know what to expect or their circumstances change.  
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

I had never heard this. Don't most brides select a certain dress? And aren't most bridesmaids dresses around that price? Also, isn't it expected that at least hair will have to be done? I'm honestly not trying to be a pain, I've just never been in this situation.

zsazsa-stl

I think you are being reasonable. I paid for half of each BM dress as part of their gift but I don't think that should be expected.  Have any of them ever been in weddings before?  Because this really isn't bad.

zsazsa-stl

Oh, and I wil mention that I don't think you should require anyone to get their hair and nails done at their own expense.  If you want to pay for everyone to be matchy-matchy, that is fine.  But if you aren't paying they should be given the option of doing their own hair and nails.  Hopefully you didn't ask Pig Pen to be a BM.

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:7ed13af0-f166-41f7-bc4c-43bcff2ff405">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and I wil mention that I don't think you should require anyone to get their hair and nails done at their own expense.  If you want to pay for everyone to be matchy-matchy, that is fine.  But if you aren't paying they should be given the option of doing their own hair and nails.  Hopefully you didn't ask Pig Pen to be a BM.
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

Paying for half the dresses is a good idea, but I know that some of them will be offended that I didn't buy them a gift. I just can't win... Also, I meant to mention that the makeup is being done for free by a friend and the hair should be done at a discount. I have had a couple people tell me that I should pay for hair, so that's something to consider.

ReturnOfKuus

They'll be offended that you didn't buy them gifts?  Gee, they sound like a picnic.  I vote that bridesmaid gifts = poop in a box.

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:9f4c0d4b-f456-4d0b-978d-1571c19610e1">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]They'll be offended that you didn't buy them gifts?  Gee, they sound like a picnic.  I vote that bridesmaid gifts = poop in a box.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

lol! Guess that's what happens when you get family to be your bridal party, eh? I'm getting married in my homestate of NC, but I've been in AK for my entire adult life. Unfortunately, not many people are going to pay to fly that far (great friends, right?), so I'm left with childhood friends and family.

ReturnOfKuus

Yeah, family usually does consist of those pains in the ass that you got stuck with by an accident of birth.  True for most people, I think.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I had never heard this. Don't most brides select a certain dress? And aren't most bridesmaids dresses around that price? Also, isn't it expected that at least hair will have to be done? I'm honestly not trying to be a pain, I've just never been in this situation.
Posted by forreallyserious[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you asked them what their dress budget is, and stayed within it, then yes, it's OK to ask them to pay for the dress.  If you picked what you wanted and to Hades with their budget, then you're on the hook for it.</div><div>
</div><div>Everything else, if you require it, you pay for it.  If you demand a certain shoe, you pay.  If you demand certain jewelry, you pay.  If you demand professional hair, makeup, nails, and/or facials, you pay.  It is expected that their hair is "done" in the sense that they don't show up with bedhead.  But if you don't trust them to take care of their own grooming, than you need to budget to cover that.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you demand a specific hotel, or meal, or a limo ride to your destination, you pay.  A wedding one hour away isn't a "destination."  The beach house may be cheaper than a hotel, but they don't need to stay there at all.  One hour is easily drivable the day of.  If you tell them to be there and ready X amount of time early for pictures and/or prep, it's up to them to make that happen.  If you start dictating how that happens?  You pay.  If they decide to rent a room because they want to drink and party with you until they collapse, then they get to pick the place, but they have to pay.</div><div>
</div>

*Barbie*

i don't think it's reasonable to ask everyone to wear the same dress, and $100-$150 seems like a pretty typical range for most bridal stores.

I wouldn't "require" anything else unless you're planning to pay for it. Asking people to shell out for lodging / take time off work for thurs-sunday may seem like a lot, even when $150 is better than 3-4 nights in your average hotel.

do the girls need to have matching shoes/hair/nails/makeup, etc? i (with the help of my bridal party) chose one dress for my girls (which they bought - probably around $125) - i left the rest up to them, and everyone looked nice.

RebeccaB88

Well, if they say $500 is more than they can afford, then it's too much.  In my current situation, I'd have to decline being your bridesmaid, simply because I don't have $500 to spend on it.  Even the $150 dress would be out of my budget.  Not because I don't care, but because it just isn't there. No one can make money appear out of nowhere.

I do hope you asked their budgets (privately) ahead of time and worked within the lowest figure given.  If not, then you're on the hook to make up the difference.

Maybe let them get the dresses, but let them do all their own grooming, wear shoes and jewelry they already have, and decide how they are going to get themselves to and from the ceremony.  If they need to stay at home and commute to save money, then they should be able to do that.  If they have to work or go to school or have family responsibilities and can't get there until the weekend, then that has to be good enough.  I'm not sure you have the right to demand 4 whole days out of their lives for your wedding.  Their only real responsibility is show up in the right clothing at the right place at the right time and look nice for pictures. 

Or think about it this way... what's more important to you here, the dress, parties, and beach house, or having these people with you at the ceremony? 

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:2b8a24b9-c2aa-40c5-9194-0661e86118cb">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]i don't think it's reasonable to ask everyone to wear the same dress, and $100-$150 seems like a pretty typical range for most bridal stores. I wouldn't "require" anything else unless you're planning to pay for it. Asking people to shell out for lodging / take time off work for thurs-sunday may seem like a lot, even when $150 is better than 3-4 nights in your average hotel. do the girls need to have matching shoes/hair/nails/makeup, etc? i (with the help of my bridal party) chose one dress for my girls (which they bought - probably around $125) - i left the rest up to them, and everyone looked nice.
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

Yes, the girls have to have matching shoes. This is because they need to be a certain shade of lime green. The makeup is being done by a friend and I've told them that if I end up requiring their hair to be done professionally, I'll foot the bill.

[QUOTE]Well, if they say $500 is more than they can afford, then it's too much.  In my current situation, I'd have to decline being your bridesmaid, simply because I don't have $500 to spend on it.  Even the $150 dress would be out of my budget.  Not because I don't care, but because it <strong>just isn't there. </strong>No one can make money appear out of nowhere.

I do hope you asked their budgets (privately) ahead of time and worked within the lowest figure given.  If not, then you're on the hook to make up the difference.

Maybe let them get the dresses, but let them do all their own grooming, wear shoes and jewelry they already have, and decide how they are going to get themselves to and from the ceremony.  If they need to stay at home and commute to save money, then they should be able to do that.  If they have to work or go to school or have family responsibilities and can't get there until the weekend, then that has to be good enough.  I'm not sure you have the right to demand 4 whole days out of their lives for your wedding.  Their only real responsibility is show up in the right clothing at the right place at the right time and look nice for pictures. 

Or think about it this way... what's more important to you here, the dress, parties, and beach house, or having these people with you at the ceremony?[/QUOTE] 

I definitely would not ask anyone to pay anything they couldn't afford. I've now made accommodations free, hair and makeup free, and nails optional. The only thing they have to come up with is dress and shoes. Jewelry doesn't bother me either way. They can wear whatever they want as long as it's the same style. I have also given them the option to commute.

Soon2BMrsClay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:28a3e6a0-8e11-4ae6-a71a-bfdc55c9a32d">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you insist on a specific dress and shoe then yes you should pay for it.  If you are expecting them to have their hair and nails professionally done then yes you have to pay for it.  Food and accomodations, no you don't, as long as you have been honest with them from the get-go that your wedding would be a DW and you've given them plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements.  According to what you've said, each person is looking at spending over 500$ on your wedding.  That can be a lot of money to some people.  Plus they will have to take time off work to come which is even less money for them at the end of the month.  Yes, when you agree to be in a wedding most people realize that there is a cost involved, but some people really don't know what to expect or their circumstances change.  
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah, I've never heard of this. When I was in my best friends wedding this summer I had to buy a $250 dress, pay for my hair, buy shoes, pay for parties and transportation.</div><div>I didn't complain; it's just something you do. My other friend is getting married next year and I will be paying for all that too.</div><div>My wedding is in a couple of days and my bridesmaids also paid for all their own things.</div><div>
</div><div>Yes, brides should be buget consious, that I agree 100%. BUT if you're not willing to pay for anything that you shouldnt accept being part of someone's bridal party.</div><div>

</div>

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:3c9654c7-5133-48d7-92fe-9c6cbb24cb74">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable? : Yeah, I've never heard of this. When I was in my best friends wedding this summer I had to buy a $250 dress, pay for my hair, buy shoes, pay for parties and transportation. I didn't complain; it's just something you do. My other friend is getting married next year and I will be paying for all that too. My wedding is in a couple of days and my bridesmaids also paid for all their own things. Yes, brides should be buget consious, that I agree 100%. BUT if you're not willing to pay for anything that you shouldnt accept being part of someone's bridal party.
Posted by Soon2BMrsClay[/QUOTE]

The point is that you should be a courteous friend and ask your friends for their budget if they're going to be in your wedding.   If you insist on a certain dress/shoe/hairstyle/nails/prof make-up/etc. then you should also offer to pay for part or all of it because it's what you want as a bride, not necessarily what your BM's want and/or can afford.  

All of the weddings I've been in and for my own wedding,  the dresses were picked out (or at least a color and length), but the brides allowed me my own shoes/hair/make-up/etc.  I didn't mind paying for the dress because I was aware that I could do what I wanted for everything else.

PMeg819

Lime green shoes? Feck I'd say I couldn't pay for things as a way to get out of wearing shoes that color.

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:3281aad3-906d-4630-966a-1ed8f57002b3">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lime green shoes? Feck I'd say I couldn't pay for things as a way to get out of wearing shoes that color.
Posted by PMeg819[/QUOTE]

Is that really necessary? I chose the colors that I wanted. Purple and lime green are in this year.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:f0de93cd-99a0-4832-99c4-67d00b8efc54">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable? : Is that really necessary? I chose the colors that I wanted. Purple and lime green are in this year.
Posted by forreallyserious[/QUOTE]

They're in this year, but what about next year or the year after?

I keep shoes for a long time (at least 2-3 years), so if I have to buy some for any occasion, I want them to be something that I will be able to wear again.  Lime green is a pretty specific color and can't be worn with just any old thing.

So I have to say I agree with Pmeg.  I'd be more than a little irritated if I was in a BP and the bride wanted me to buy some whackadoodle color of shoes.

forreallyserious

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bridal-party-costs-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3414a6e1-b745-4b95-a5fc-43a984f6352cPost:908b6b69-518b-47db-b195-fa59c9085e13">Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party Costs. What is acceptable? : They're in this year, but what about next year or the year after? I keep shoes for a long time (at least 2-3 years), so if I have to buy some for any occasion, I want them to be something that I will be able to wear again.  Lime green is a pretty specific color and can't be worn with just any old thing. So I have to say I agree with Pmeg.  I'd be more than a little irritated if I was in a BP and the bride wanted me to buy some whackadoodle color of shoes.
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

Good thing you don't have to wear them, I guess.