Ridiculous scenerio

zsazsa-stl

.

mrsconn23

This was a a Dear Prudie letter last week!

Dear Prudence,
I am in my early 50s, and almost a decade ago my husband suffered a traumatic brain hemorrhage, which left him with the mental capacity of a perpetual 11-year-old. I am the center of his universe, and not in a good way. I work part time, and when I go out he’s afraid I'm leaving him. We haven’t had a husband-and-wife relationship since his injury. We are more like mother and child. I miss kissing, touching, and sex. Counseling wasn’t helpful; I was advised to get out more. My children are in their mid-20s, and if I left my husband he would become their problem, which isn’t fair. Is it wrong for me to find a man for adult companionship and sex? I don't think I can do this for another 20-plus years.

—Lonely

ReturnOfKuus

Has the mental capacity of a 2 year old as in, doesn't love me that way any more anyway?

nicoleg1982

How old am I?

zsazsa-stl

ha!  So what did Prudie say?

GBCK

wasn't there a news article about this?

It wouldn't change the fact that I'd love/be attached to/care for him.

I wouldn't consider myself bound by my wedding vows to never move on.

(How very 'pat robertson' of me)

GBCK

this is a link to the article I was thinking of:

http://theweek.com/article/index/223697/living-with-a-brain-damaged-ex-husband

ReturnOfKuus

That story is pretty heartbreaking.

GBCK

Yep.

I have watced my grandparents long enough that I think that you can have commitment and still move on.

(my granps won't 'date', but, honestly, even when gramma was still alive [but w/ dementia, so not 'there'], I wouldn't have faulted him if he would have.)

I still went to see gramma and would help take care of her...but I didn't consider her 'grandma' anymore...all of that was a nod to who she had been--no different, in some ways, than me going to do gardeing at her gravesite.

krizzo17

I read a book like this, When Madeline Was Young. It's about a boy growing up in a house with his parents, and his father's first wife, who was brain damaged in an accident. The father takes care of her like a child, but moves on and has a second family. Very good book.

*Barbie*

i picked the cold-hearted last choice, but it is really somewhere between the last 2. I will make sure that he is set up and cared for in a good nursing home, but I will likely sever the relationship, and try to move on with my life. I would expect him to do the same.

*this is all assuming there is no chance of recovery.

zsazsa-stl

Oh man, that article killed me.

mrsconn23

Here's Prudie's response:

Dear Lonely,
I'm sorry you are in such a terrible situation. Finding yourself the caretaker for a brain-damaged spouse is one of the toughest things that can befall a married person. Please read this story from the Washington Post, written by my friend Susan Baer about a situation similar to yours. Robert Melton was a talented reporter and editor at the Washington Post (and a colleague of my husband’s) when in 2003, at age 46, he had a heart attack that caused a severe, permanent brain injury from oxygen deprivation. His wife, Page, was in her 30s and was left with two small daughters and a husband who was like a child. Eventually she placed Robert in assisted living. She and the girls visited frequently, and Page thought this was her life. But a few years later at a reunion, she reconnected with a former classmate, and eventually they fell in love. She divorced Robert and remarried. But there’s a stunning and moving twist. Robert’s family was at the wedding to support Page, and when her new husband, Allan, spoke his vows he said that he would always help care for Robert. Robert moved across the country with them, where he is in another assisted living facility. The two men have breakfast weekly, and Robert is often at the house visiting his daughters.

You have provided care to a brain-damaged husband for 10 years, and I think that like Page, you can honor your vows to him while making a new life. Find out what resources are available to you—the Family Caregiver Alliance is one place to start. Neither you nor your husband benefits from the current situation, and he likely would find comfort and stimulation in assisted living. That would allow you to work full-time, which means you could financially support him better. It is possible to provide compassionate care to a mentally incapacitated spouse without sacrificing your own chance for happiness and adult connection. Feel proud about what you’ve done for him, and move forward to make both of your lives better.

—Prudie

GBCK

huh, Prudie and I read the same newspapers, apparently

The article made me tear up the first time and it's no better the 2nd.

And it did remind me that, while the weather is mild, I should go check on the plants at the cemetary

ReturnOfKuus

Oh, Barbie, you kill me.  Have I given up my token board robot status?