Dear Prudie: 4 women in the world

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I'm a man who was taught by my father always to build an environment of honesty and trust with my significant other. I have recently found the perfect woman for me, and we literally tell each other everything. Sometimes, however, that means my girlfriend will tell me something that makes me feel uncomfortable. When we were in bed last night, she told me that sometimes she just is not attracted to me. I thought she was joking, but she was serious and did not seem to think she was insulting me. I let it go, but today she made the same remark, and I called her out on it. She apologized and said she just feels comfortable enough to tell me silly thoughts that come to her head. Is my philosophy of a fully open and honest relationship unrealistic?

—Young and Naive

hmonkey

why do people think that being honest = saying every fool thing that comes into their heads?

mrsconn23

Prudie's response:

Dear Young,
One of the fortunate things about humans having the organ of verbal communication encased in a skull is that it helps keep all the stuff that’s buzzing in there private. It’s great to be able to talk in a respectful way with your partner about myriad sensitive things, from what you would like to do in bed to how the relationship can be improved. But honesty does not require voicing every disparaging thought. It’s better not to say, “I’d prefer you had a bigger [fill in the body part].” If one person realizes that an uncomfortable thought about their partner goes to the heart of the relationship, speaking up is necessary. If your girlfriend truly is not attracted to you, it’s better to know, move on, and find someone who is. But if she is just discovering the amazing fact that one is not sexually aroused by one’s otherwise attractive partner every second, then she should file this under, “Insights I keep to myself.” Since she’s mentioned it twice, you need to find out what she’s really telling you. If it’s that she simply has no verbal filter, then explain that besides honesty, not hurting each other’s feelings unnecessarily is a virtue you both need to practice.

—Prudie