How do I get the man I fell in love with back...

greenbean951

So I have been at my wits end for months with my fiance... when we first started dating he was the *perfect* boyfriend. He was caring, attentive and thoughtful. We lived together during college and he was helpful around the house, he did what I asked him to chore wise and he cooked--and liked to! He used to work out and took care of himself well.

Once we got engaged everything started going downhill. We moved in together. He packed on the pounds, he stopped doing anything special for me, he's messy and so on and so forth. He turned in to a different person. We have an everyday argument about him helping out around the house. I dont necessarily mind doing all the cooking and cleaning as long as he doesn't make it 10x more difficult for me than it has to be by leaving all his dirty clothes and dirty dishes everywhere. He only helps out if I get upset and even then he only half does the job so I have follow behind him and finish it. He's like a 5 year old. I know he has the potential to be my partner, even if not an equal one. I have tried everything to get him to grow up a little but I am at the end of my rope at this point...

Have any helpful ideas? I don't want to have to go to couseling before we're married!!

notquiteblushing

Moving in together is a challenge, I guess even if you've done it before.  But just because your FI isn't pitching in as much around the house doesn't mean you shouldn't view him as an equal partner.  Did you mean that?  Anyway I think you should try and have a calm rational conversation with him where you lay out your ideas for how to divide housework.  It's an adjustment for every couple.

Ana_2985

Why are you against counseling?  Personally, I'd rather go to counseling before I was married than go into a marriage on a bad foot.  If you've really tried EVERYTHING and you're really concerned, talking to someone else might be the best thing for you.

But if you really haven't tried everything, than I second the advice to have a serious discussion with your BF about the expectations you have for each other.  And if you don't view him as an equal partner, how can you expect him to view you as one?

If he doesn't want to talk/change/help/go to counseling, than IMO your only choices are to accept the way he is or leave before you get too far into it.

**Stinky!**

He's probably thinking, "Man, when we were dating, she was so wonderful and thoughtful all the time. Now all she does is bust my balls. What a biitch."

**O-Face**

Sounds like you're his slave.  Hopefully at least you get something out of it.  Sex, money, fame?

Mrs.Thistletwat

He's the same person. Maybe your rose tinted glasses have lost some of that tint. Either talk to him, go to couseling or don't marry him. Those are your options.

*Barbie*

I suggest joining the FLDS and getting some sister wives to help out with the housework and cooking.

Make sure you give your H lots of BJs so you're his favorite of the wives.

swtasa

Ok first, you said you lived together during college then moved in together? I'm confused...

Secondly, instead of arguing with him why not try talking to him. If he did this complete 180 like you said it sounds more like there is something wrong like depression or something. Further more it sounds more like you were in love with the stuff he did for you rather then who he is as a person.

MinM

Welcome to married life! Have kids and you'll  have two babies to take care of, instead of the one

GBCK

the man you'er engaged to now?
he's the man you're engaged to marry. 
People dont' change that much.  true colors show, rose colored glasses end, honeymoon phases end...but don't assume this will get better.

You either accept what you have w/ him right now as reality or you leave.

sweetpea951

read LOve & Respect by Dr. Emerson together, just a chapter a day. taught my husband I alot

Blusieme

"I have tried everything to get him to grow up a little but I am at the end of my rope at this point..."

Please know that YOU cant change anybody. You cant make anybody do anything.....they are the only ones in control of their actions. You are only capable of your own actions. You are beating yourself up b/c you cant change him for the better. But that's out of your control sweetie. 

How was he raised at home? to be taken care of by his mom? Any responsibilities at home b/4 he became an adult? Sadly maybe his good period was in the brief courting stage when yous were first together & now he's slipped in his comfort zone. 

Some people wont change unless they experience a serious emotional event. Something instead of just talking/nagging. Perhaps try counseling?? 

Best wishes.... 

Theresa626

Sorry that some of these women are so bitchy.  Honestly, I'd suggest counseling. I really think it would be important to do.  These things you're talking about should not be overlooked.  Generally, you cannot change a person at all but you seem to be saying that he has changed since you got engaged which is strange. That's why I would suggest counseling to see if perhaps there is a deeper reason behind this change.  Also, perhaps you could sit down and work out a list of household chores and how you want to handle them... for instance, he always does the garbage and you do the dishes.  It doesn't have to be firm but it helps.  You could also remind him of how it makes you feel loved and special when he does these things without being asked (focus on positive, not negative). 

e_uecker

When you live with someone it becomes a different relationship. You either sink or swim. What you need to do is realize that relationships especially long term ones are not always perfect. Better communication and realistic expectations would be my suggestions. Sometimes men don't get it. They think hey we're getting married now you do the laundry and cook. I hope things get better! 

greenglasshero

Indeed, we have some cynical ladies up in here!  Those negative comments help not at all.  He may be feeling just as frustrated as you, and it may be something personal, unrelated to you or your engagement. Take a step back and look at all of his behaviors as objectively as you can.  Not taking care of himself and his surroundings is a good indicator of something like depression.  (If that's what it is, it's NOT your fault, sometimes these things just happen.) All you can do at that point is encourage him to get some help, and love him as best as you can.  If it seems like only his attitude towards you has changed and he still has all the same interests, hobbies & friends, then you can look at the dynamic between him & his mom, and ALSO between his mom & dad.  Pop-psychology or not, these are good indicators of what he thinks is normal relationship patterns.
Once you look at all these things in him, you HAVE to look at yourself. Why did you want to marry him in the first place, how long can you stay while he sorts through things that he may be dealing with, what if he decides not to try to make some self improvements?  These are really big questions that neither of you may have the answers to. And that's what counseling is for, not necessarily for just the "crazy" or the "screwed up beyond repair." I hope you two find your path through all of this together.

spiffyabigail

I agree with the post above. His attitude might not have anything to do with you. He could be going through something personal, and he might even be afraid to talk to you about it because you have been arguing lately.

If chores are really the only thing causing fights between the two of you, then you might need to step back and look at the bigger picture.  I'm not really sure if giving up on someone because they don't clean the house the way they used to is really a good line of thinking. 

A clean house is still just a house, if your fiance is really someone special to you and you really are serious about marrying him, then you should be willing to look past all the chores and appreciate him as a person.  If you can't do that then it really might be something with yourself rather than him.

Take a deep breath, think about the situation and have an adult conversation with him (without mentioning wedding plans or chores).   And definitely don't be ashamed to go to counseling, especially if you really want to make your relationship work. 

duckie1905

I'm sure he's just as frustrated living with you as you are with him.  I'd be pissed off too if someone was trying to change who I was and was constantly nagging me to lose weight and clean.

msteph82

There are some snarky brides on here today!    But their point is just not to be bitchy (although that is what they are doing, LOL) and to examine if this issue is what it is at face value or if there's something deeper here.

Here are 2 things that I would do:

a - Talk to him.  Not AT him, tbut TO him.  I went through what you are going through.  We separated chores and my life became a million times easier.  I haven't cleaned a cat box or the bath tub in YEARS. I walked him through what I did on a daily basis, in addition to working 60 work weeks, and he said "Wow, I didn't realise how much went into keeping the house clean, putting food on the table, etc".  That was my fault, I enabled him and allowed him to believe that I was okay with taking care of everything.  He had no clue because I just quietly seethed about it and didn't communicate it. 

Now, when he cleans the bathroom, everything BUT the counters and the toilet, I say to myself "Awesome, I only have to clean 2 things in here instead of 8".  Change your approach and let him pick up the slack.  I also tried letting the house go to crap and that got his attention, but drove me nuts because I'm a clean freak.  And again, I wasn't communicating with him, just being passive agressive.  And that leads to resentment and disrespect. 

b.  Remember that any relationship is not always 50/50.  Sometimes you will pull 70% of the relationship.  Just make sure it's not 100% all the time.  Or even 70% all the time. 

Really though, if you talk to him in a loving way - remember, you do love him, and ask what's going on and why he doesn't like helping with those things, and truly hear him out, things will open up for you.  

And if he loves being a slob and doesn't feel the need to clean or help out, then you know you have a bigger issue on your hands.  Then you either accept him for who he is and marry the guy, or you move on.

I really hope that you two can work this out, please keep us posted as to what happens!   Good luck!

suppahipbride

Hmmmm.......I feel for you. Maybe his view of marriage is that the woman does everything. I do agree that he most likely hasn;t changed THAT much, but it is possible. The question is: do you accept eveything about him? you don;t have to like it, but  do you accept it? If he does not change, are you able to accept the good and the bad and marry him? If the answer is no, then you need to re-thinkk marriage. Marriage is not going to magically make him the partner you think he should be. He will only change if WANTS to, not because you beg him to or order him to. If he truly has drastically chnaged, find out why. Counseling is a good idea. Premarital counseling helps couples learn what marriage is. It helps each person understand the thoughts and feelings of their partner. Better to know now then to wait and possible get a divorce which would be painfuul and doubly painful if you have kids in the middle of it. Marriage is never 50/50. Each person should try to give 100% but the reality is some days you are going to get more and some days he is going to get more. You both have to TRY to give 100%. That is the key. Either you BOTH tyr and you BOTH agree to counseling, or your relationship odds go waaaaaaay down.If you bring out the worst in each other, take it as a sign. Maybe you need to re-think. If it is only his cleaning habits that bother you, is it enough to berate him? Don't throw the baby out with bath water.