Ceremony what do I do?

jskogman

Okay so neither my fiance or I are very religious, however his family is VERRRRYYY Catholic. A person we considor a father figure we met while in college is an ordained minister, we would prefer having him do the ceremony. He also kind of wants to have a priest do the caremony for his parents. What do I do?

Also I want to hyphenate my last name, I don't think he'll like that, how do I tell him?

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:9841ad45-bd0e-4f5a-b7c9-5d98abc43712Post:47c3cc5d-d8db-403a-8634-cfce6d9814a1">Ceremony what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay so neither my fiance or I are very religious, however his family is VERRRRYYY Catholic. A person we considor a father figure we met while in college is an ordained minister, we would prefer having him do the ceremony. He also kind of wants to have a priest do the caremony for his parents. What do I do? Also I want to hyphenate my last name, I don't think he'll like that, how do I tell him?
Posted by jskogman[/QUOTE]

What I'm hearing is:
A) FI's parents are Catholic
B) <strong>YOU</strong> want this father figure/minister to do the ceremony, if FI wanted this too, he wouldn't be suggesting a priest "for his parents"
C) <strong>FI</strong> wants a Catholic priest to do the ceremony
D) <strong>YOU </strong>don't want to change your name and can't figure out how to tell the man you want to spend the rest of your life with that you've made this decision?

A) That's nice, unless they are paying for the wedding, their religion doesn't really matter.  and even if they are, it doesn't really matter
B-C) This is a decision you need to come to TOGETHER.  Would you consider a priest in a non-religious location? 
D) If you can't bring this up with him and you're afraid "he won't like it" you have bigger problems then who will marry you

jskogman

Thank you for your imput. It is something we're both still considoring (who will marry us part) As for the hyphenation, it isn't nessessarily that I am "AFRAID" of telling him and him getting mad or anything, it's more of the when and how that I'm wondering about. Our engagement is still new (Little over a month old) and I don't want to be like "yay, we're engaged! By the way I don't want to take you name" I feel it may be too soon, or maybe it's not... I'm just not sure.

hmonkey

you've only been engaged a month and you think the last name thing is going to be a big deal.  yeah.

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:9841ad45-bd0e-4f5a-b7c9-5d98abc43712Post:9513cfaf-5fbc-4ca0-be90-3c5b7fc36134">Re: Ceremony what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your imput. It is something we're both still considoring (who will marry us part) As for the hyphenation, it isn't nessessarily that I am "AFRAID" of telling him and him getting mad or anything, it's more of the when and how that I'm wondering about. Our engagement is still new (Little over a month old) and I don't want to be like "yay, we're engaged! By the way I don't want to take you name" I feel it may be too soon, or maybe it's not... I'm just not sure.
Posted by jskogman[/QUOTE]

Ok, i have few suggestions for the ceremony... I'm moving onto the name thing.

This isn't something that came up while you were dating?  I was with FI for years before he proposed, but the marriage discussion came up years before that.  (And my engagement is "a little over a month old" too - congrats!)  Maybe its because of my career (medicine) but it was *always* a part of the marriage discussion that I would go by my maiden name professionally.  You're telling me this <strong>never</strong> came up?  Or did youi orginally tell him you would take his name and have since changed your mind.

GL

nthomas983

Congrats on your new engagement! The Catholic thing is something you're going to have to figure out pretty early in your planning, as priests generally can't/won't marry outside of a Catholic Church.  I can't remember if it's a diocese thing, or an international Roman Catholic Church thing, but a Catholic Ceremony is a MASS, and generally must be done IN A CHURCH. I had a friend who wanted a small beach wedding, but was Catholic - so no beach wedding for her. This is also the reason we decided against a Catholic ceremony; we wanted to have both ceremony and reception in one place, which is usually not possible at a Catholic Church.  Double-check with priests in your area, but I'm pretty sure this is usually the case. So you definitely need to know which way you're going before you book a venue.

The name issue is something you need to talk about together. It's a pretty personal decision...just approach it delicately: "Honey, I've been thinking and I would like to keep my maiden name, as well as taking yours. How would you feel about me hyphenating my last name?"  See what he says. He might surprise you.

SteveandKris

You can have a catholic ceremony without having a full mass.  It is very region/parish specific whether or not they will do the ceremony (never a mass) outside of a church. 

baconsmom

Don't get married in a Catholic ceremony unless one of you is a practicing Catholic. It's insulting to those of us who do practice. You wouldn't consider having, say, a Hindu ceremony or a Jewish ceremony, because you aren't those religions - Catholicism is no different, despite his family's religiosity.

As for hyphenating your name - why are you marrying a man who will care? My husband didn't have an opinion, because it's MY name. He left up to me how I care to be addressed, and if he hadn't, I probably wouldn't have married him.

felicia220

I understand wanting to please his (and your parents)....but its hard to make everyone happy and yourselves at the same time.  If he wants a priest then you have to discuss it but if you are both on the same page, you already have your answer.

I also am keeping my name as well as taking his.  Honestly, we have been together for 10 years and it really never came up.  I don't know why it just didn't.  I really didn't think he would care anyway.  But when we got engaged, we got on the topic and I said I was keeping my name as well.  Him and his mom were not happy about this.  Its like they feel insulted.  But It is my name and my choice.  He got over it and doesn't care anymore.  Maybe it was the initial shock of not doing the norm.  So don't worry, if he is the right man for you he will understand, even if it takes him a minute to think about it. The way I see it, I'm not a Smith, I'm just marrying one.  (Don't worry not his real last name) And this has been my name for 26 years! Its a part of who I am.  I don't believe that when you get married "two become one"  We are still two people just sharing one life.  But we will always have our own thoughts and opinions.  

jskogman

haha, wow I haven't been on in awhile. Just an update, I was a bit upset after reading  that were people thinking my relationship would have bigger problems than a name decision so a few days after posting my second response I brought it up, it was not a big deal and he said he was expecting me to keep my last name. He, obviously, wanted me to take his name but understood why I preferred to hyphenate. Sometimes I worry about things that aren't that big, and a friend of mine who had also recently been engaged discussed the issue with her FI got in a huge fight over it and so that I think is what triggered my concern.

As for where the wedding will be had, we're still figuring that one out haha.