matron of honor and baby trouble

[Deleted User]

Hello:My fiance and I have been engaged since February.  My best friend is my matron of honor. I asked her right away and told her that we were going to get married in June of 2013.  Now months later my friend is telling me that she is planning to start trying for a baby in September or so and will be around 8 or 9 months pregnant during my wedding.  She says that she is 32 and can't wait much longer.  When I spoke with her about this issue and asked if she could try a few months earlier, she said that her husband and her would not be financially ready and then when I said why don't you try after the wedding, she said that she didn't want to wait, when asked to wait a few months so she wasn't soooo pregnant on the day of, she said that she couldn't wait because then the baby would be born in a month where other people in her family were having their birthdays.  She wanted her baby to have a birthday in a month all its own.  So now what do I do?  My fiance says she is being impoosible and my mom thinks she is trying to hog the spot light and is jealous because my friend didn't get her big white wedding because she was married in front of a judge.  So again the questions is what do I do now? I feel like she is being selfish, but who am I to tell her how to run her life.  I keep telling myself yeah my day is important but it's only one day compared to her entire life with a baby. Am I being silly?  Thanks for your help. 

blush64

I do not believe you are serious. Your situation can not be real.

If this was really happening I would hope she runs from your friendship and doesn't look back.

Will add more soon.

EDIT The only person speaking to your friend about the timing of her children would be her husband. (the father of these future children)

[Deleted User]

I am completely serious and I do not understand what you mean when you say she should run from the friendship?

blush64

I do not want to offend you I just want you to understand how serious I am.

Your friend is planning a baby with her husband. That usually means they have discussed it and decided what works best for them and their future family. You feel it will take away from your day so you want her to change her major life decision to suit your wedding ideas.

It really doesn't matter if you don't like her reason for planning her baby, the fact is that it's her decision and it's wrong for you to try to have a say in it.

I assume you were not serious because I do not understand how you think it's ok to tell a friend when to try to conceive a baby.

I have trouble believing a person could think it's proper to ask someone to change the timing of their child to suit a wedding. Maybe you were bored and wanted to write something odd. That, I can see as possible.

prettyfacegal

Everyone has free will to do whatever in their lives. Now you must make the decision that is best for your special day. My suggestion would be to just extend her an invitation to your wedding and find another matron of honor. And wish her and her husband the best on starting their family Remember God knows best!!

[Deleted User]

I guess I should have trusted my first instinct and shut my mouth and wished her health and happiness.  I am going to drop the issue and we'll see what happens. Thanks.

seesawgirl

Ok, firstly, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that your reason for being concerned about the timing, is worrying that she might go into labor right before or during your wedding, and you'd be without your matron of honor. If this is the case, remember that most people that start "trying" for a baby don't succeed the first time around. So chill out. 

If that is NOT the case, I agree with the previous posters. You have absolutely no right to tell someone when to start trying for a family, and it makes you a crappy friend for trying. Regardless of what you may have been told, the world, and your wedding party's lives do not revolve around your wedding. She is not going to "steal the spotlight" by being pregnant. Its not like its going to be the first time anyone has ever seen a pregnant woman, for pete's sake. No one is going to interrupt the ceremony to rub her belly. Have her in a tasteful dress that compliments her bump, let her wear flats. You and your FI will still be the star of the show.

Regardless of your intentions, I personally think you owe your friend an apology. 

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_matron-of-honor-baby-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9ca99bb-8bcc-4429-86d8-1f402d17fa58Post:27bb929e-b16d-4775-812b-f4df879a8512">Re: matron of honor and baby trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone has free will to do whatever in their lives. Now you must make the decision that is best for your special day. My suggestion would be to just extend her an invitation to your wedding and find another matron of honor. And wish her and her husband the best on starting their family Remember God knows best!!
Posted by prettyfacegal[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Why is finding another matron of honor even neccesary? </div><div>"Oh, I'm sorry, but I just can't approve of the fact that your husband and you are happy and have decided to be parents. I'm punishing you by not letting you be in my wedding party." </div><div>Can you say WTF? It would be different if she were 15 but she's a happily married 32 year old woman. </div>

[Deleted User]

Thank you for your message.  I think I am just upset because she has been putting a lot of demands on the kind of dress she wants.  She is insecure about her arms and wants sleeves or a sweater (I'm getting married in the summer). She doesn't like her calves and wants a longer dress, but not all the way to the floor because she is really short and nothing too clingy because she doesn't want to show everything off and she has this scar on her chest that needs to be covered up and she wants to cover it up with the most god awful necklace.  Without thinking I saw this as one more dress problem that I was going to have to fix. I wasn't thinking about actual life and babies and decisions. I guess that is no excuse, but it is what it is.  I have already apologized for my behavior, so we shall see how it goes.  Thanks again and thanks for reading my small rant. 

KatoNorway

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_matron-of-honor-baby-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9ca99bb-8bcc-4429-86d8-1f402d17fa58Post:27bb929e-b16d-4775-812b-f4df879a8512">Re: matron of honor and baby trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone has free will to do whatever in their lives. Now you must make the decision that is best for your special day. <em><strong>My suggestion would be to just extend her an invitation to your wedding and find another matron of honor.</strong></em> And wish her and her husband the best on starting their family Remember God knows best!!
Posted by prettyfacegal[/QUOTE]

PLEASE don't do this. You should never "replace" any one in the WP. That's just asking for trouble. Oh, and it's wrong. Really a crappy thing to do.

OP- I promise, she won't "steal" the spotlight from you on that day. I have been to many weddings where a BM was pregnant and believe me- the bride & groom get the attention. I also agree that you owe her an apology. The sooner, the better ; )

EDIT: I see you have already apologised. : 0

seesawgirl

You do realize that she's responsible for paying for her own dress, right? Give her your color expectations, and then let her deal with finding a dress that meets her demands. Its not an issue that you need to micromanage, so don't worry about it. I promise, a necklace isn't going to steal the spotlight either. 

*Edit- Also, if she wants to wear a sweater, then she's going to be the one sweating, not you. Many people dress their MOH differently than the rest of the bridal party, so don't worry about her not matching exactly. Its going to be fine. 

KatoNorway

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_matron-of-honor-baby-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9ca99bb-8bcc-4429-86d8-1f402d17fa58Post:64d1a1e9-e2bb-4f46-b424-dfa01395662e">Re: matron of honor and baby trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your message.  I think I am just upset because she has been putting a lot of demands on the kind of dress she wants.  She is insecure about her arms and wants sleeves or a sweater (I'm getting married in the summer). She doesn't like her calves and wants a longer dress, but not all the way to the floor because she is really short and nothing too clingy because she doesn't want to show everything off and she has this scar on her chest that needs to be covered up and she wants to cover it up with the most god awful necklace.  Without thinking I saw this as one more dress problem that I was going to have to fix. I wasn't thinking about actual life and babies and decisions. I guess that is no excuse, but it is what it is.  I have already apologized for my behavior, so we shall see how it goes.  Thanks again and thanks for reading my small rant. 
Posted by allisonhilbert[/QUOTE]
Your not getting married until June 14, 2013 right? You have plenty of time before you need to start even looking at bridesmaid dresses. Try not to start stressing out on that stuff until it gets closer. Being a BM many times, I have found that "one girl" who is picky usually gets a little easier to work with once your at the actual bridal shops. Maybe try to limit your wedding talk with her until it gets a little closer.

batfacepattermonth

While I agree that when she decides to start trying to conceive is her own business and you can't tell her to change her schedule (which I already know you came to realize), I can understand where you're coming from if you're worried she might not be able to stand up for you if she's so pregnant. It's a little bit of a bummer and you just won't know what will happen until closer to the time. I will say, it's kind of weird that she wants her baby to have its own birthday month. If she expects to get pregnant the minute she starts trying, she might be setting herself up for disappointment as that's usually not how it works. With that in mind, she probably won't be sooo pregnant come your wedding. So it will probably work out for everyone! I hope you guys can all be happy for each other!

DG1

What they all said. Glad you've apologized.

Now I can laugh at your friend for thinking she gets to "plan" anything conception-related other than when she stops taking birth control. 

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_matron-of-honor-baby-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9ca99bb-8bcc-4429-86d8-1f402d17fa58Post:27bb929e-b16d-4775-812b-f4df879a8512">Re: matron of honor and baby trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone has free will to do whatever in their lives. <strong>Now you must make the decision that is best for your special day. My suggestion would be to just extend her an invitation to your wedding and find another matron of honor.</strong> And wish her and her husband the best on starting their family Remember God knows best!!
Posted by prettyfacegal[/QUOTE]

<div>Absolutely NOT.  This advice is so far beyond rude it's scary.  Your MOH is your MOH, I assume, because she's your best friend.  It's unbelievably rude to tell your best friend "well, you're going to be so fat and pregnant and I don't want you wrecking my pictures in your fat pregnant MOH dress on my pretty, pretty princess day, so please don't be my MOH anymore, I'm going to pick someone who won't be fat and pregnant and stealing my spotlight.  Thanks!"  Rude.</div>

roiegreenie

I get married in october next year.  My SIL is in my wedding party as is her sister (L).  L is now 9 weeks pregnant and will have roughly a two month old at the time I get married.  SIL is actively trying and will very likely be pregnant at the wedding or due around that time (they've been trying for three or four months now for baby #2).  You know what I did?

I emailed the bridal party and said "Great news!! L is pregnant!! SIL is going to be (Hopefully!)!  SO - I think the best thing is if everyone picks whatever black dress suits you (just above or just below the knee).  This way - the two non-preggers can pick their dresses whenever they want - and the other two can push it closer to the wedding and pick the dress that fits their body - AND black dresses are easy to come by.

I altered my plans a tad to make sure that my girls...my best friends in the world...know that no matter what their body looks like or what they have going on in their lives - I will do whatever I can to make it easy to be in my wedding.  I think people tend to think "it's an honor to be in my wedding" - when I tend to think "it's an honor to have my friends support me during my wedding".

To me - it's not a big deal - AT ALL.  Furthermore, I told L to find a friend (outside of our group) who can be a babysitter AT the venue - so that she can have fun and do her "duties" but her brand new baby is safe and sound with a trusted friend.  The babysitter would get to eat the food and hang out when L has her and otherwise can watch the baby for some extra cash.  The baby will be 30 yards away, at the farthest, for feedings etc. 

I promise, if you just take a different perspective and become flexible - this whole process will be WAY more enjoyable.

KatoNorway

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_matron-of-honor-baby-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9ca99bb-8bcc-4429-86d8-1f402d17fa58Post:c16624d1-8aa2-4d50-a2a3-a7f956963522">Re: matron of honor and baby trouble</a>:
[QUOTE] I think people tend to think "it's an honor to be in my wedding" - when <em><strong>I tend to think "it's an honor to have my friends support me during my wedding"</strong></em>.
Posted by roiegreenie[/QUOTE]
You hit the nail on the head.