I'm making my way through, slowly but surely. This has me doubled over. The bolded part, in particular.
Who came up with the idea that wearing tight denim was a good idea? And why do we keep reaffirming this person's mistaken notion?
Unless you work on a farm or in an auto-repair shop (or you are Brett Favre) you probably have no reason to wear jeans.
Let's think about this: We, as consumers, have the option of buying pants made out of stretchy cotton and elastic, but instead we choose to wear pants made out of a thick, movement-restricting fabric with totally useless little brass buttons sewn on the butt (go ahead - check the ass of your jeans - there are pointless buttons on the corners of all the pockets). And they have to be buttoned shut with a giant button that really hurts when you are dry humping (I'm pretty sure that all of you know exactly what I'm talking about since I'm pretty sure we've all been teenagers at some point). And they have to be closed with a zipper and held up with a belt because obviously no one has invented a material that can be used to make a stretchy waistband yet. And there is always that one tiny pocket inside the main pocket.
What am I supposed to use that pocket for?
One, it is too tiny to really hold real objects and two, it is inside another pocket!!! Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Why wouldn't I just put my objects in the bigger pocket? Oh, I remember - because the bigger pocket can't really accommodate real objects either!!!
I put my cell phone in the front pocket of my jeans one time and I got a bruise on my pelvis because I got all excited about something and started sprinting (because that's what I do when I'm excited) but I forgot I had a cell phone crammed into the pocket of my jeans and I lifted my thigh too fast which jammed the cell phone into my pelvis. Is that something that should happen in a world where there are robotic vacuum cleaners?? No. It is not.
And don't start lecturing me about "oh I love my jeans! They are so comfortable! I've had them for so many years it's almost like they are sweatpants..." because you know what? They will never be as comfortable as sweatpants. Even still, I will probably get hate mail about this one because, for some reason, people are really fucking attached to the concept of jeans and I am sorry I said f*ck again please don't send me hate mail about that either.
Does anyone else feel like I need a job?