My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!

Kimtram7

I really cannot believe I'm writing this, and the wedding isn't for another 9-10 months.

Fiance and I got engaged in December, and we're making baby steps towards the wedding.  We are fronting the bill for it all.  We just put a working guestlist together, and plan to have about 100 people. (110 is our max) Fiance invited 51, I invited 54. Half of my invites are family alone.  This is family I actually see everytime I'm at family functions.  I'm not exactly close to all of them, either.  I texted my mom that half of my invites are family alone, and she calls me immediately, to remind me to invite her uncles and their families- some of those people, I have not spoken to since I was a child, literally 20 years ago! Adding these additional family members will add at least 20 extra people!

I tried to explain to her that we were paying for everything, and she said, "Well they're gonna give you money anyway, so what's the big deal?" Ok mom, can you guarantee they will give us the approximate $100 per person ( includes food, drinks, & tax)??  Then she goes off on me, saying the extended family will yell at her (really, these uncles she hardly ever sees are going to be so livid) and what not, and then HANGS UP ON ME! I am livid at her childish behavior! 

I cannot believe her nerve and how unsympathetic she is.  Not surprising though, she's gone out of her way to cause drama for me in all my special occasions, since high school. I went to my winter formal and prom in high school as a senior, the only 2 dances I went to in high school.  She managed to yell and start and arguments for not cleaning the house before the dances, and even took away my prom dress.  On my 21st birthday, my friends drove me home (I obviously had some drinks), and drove my car home for me. The next morning, my mom says my car keys are missing (my friends left them on our dining room table, and they magically disappeared), yells at me for coming home drunk, and she says I cannot drive anymore.  A few years later, I found those "missing" keys in our house.  Some piece of work I have for a mother, right?

ReturnOfKuus

Stop sharing your wedding plans with her, if she's a pain and you're paying for it yourself anyway.  Just mail her an invitation when it's time, and let that be that.

kmmssg

Share absolutely nothing with her as far as wedding plans and do not engage in the guest list discussion again.  If she brings it up, say "we have it set, did you see the new Brad Pitt movie?"  DO NOT engage her.  If she keeps bringing it up leave or hang up on her.  Every time.

You are paying, you and FI need to plan and do the footwork and have no expectations of that misty eyed MOB wanting to help out.  You said she ruins big occasions in your life so don't involve here and she can't do much.

*Barbie*

In Response to My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!:

I really cannot believe I'm writing this, and the wedding isn't for another 9-10 months. Fiance and I got engaged in December, and we're making baby steps towards the wedding.  We are fronting the bill for it all.  We just put a working guestlist together, and plan to have about 100 people. (110 is our max) Fiance invited 51, I invited 54. Half of my invites are family alone.  This is family I actually see everytime I'm at family functions.  I'm not exactly close to all of them, either.  I texted my mom that half of my invites are family alone, and she calls me immediately, to remind me to invite her uncles and their families- some of those people, I have not spoken to since I was a child, literally 20 years ago! Adding these additional family members will add at least 20 extra people! I tried to explain to her that we were paying for everything, and she said, "Well they're gonna give you money anyway, so what's the big deal?" Ok mom, can you guarantee they will give us the approximate $100 per person ( includes food, drinks, & tax)??  Then she goes off on me, saying the extended family will yell at her (really, these uncles she hardly ever sees are going to be so livid) and what not, and then HANGS UP ON ME! I am livid at her childish behavior!  I cannot believe her nerve and how unsympathetic she is.  Not surprising though, she's gone out of her way to cause drama for me in all my special occasions, since high school. I went to my winter formal and prom in high school as a senior, the only 2 dances I went to in high school.  She managed to yell and start and arguments for not cleaning the house before the dances, and even took away my prom dress.  On my 21st birthday, my friends drove me home (I obviously had some drinks), and drove my car home for me. The next morning, my mom says my car keys are missing (my friends left them on our dining room table, and they magically disappeared), yells at me for coming home drunk, and she says I cannot drive anymore.  A few years later, I found those "missing" keys in our house.  Some piece of work I have for a mother, right?
Posted by Kimtram7

given the history provided, what reaction did you expect as a result of the aforementioned text? (see bold)

i don't understand why you felt the need to share that information as it doesn't concern your mother in any way, shape, or form. 

if you and FI are paying for the wedding then invite whoever you want. don't discuss this with anyone and you don't have to worry about them causing drama. if they approach you re: invite list, shut down the conversation, walk away if necessary.

Wzz

what the OP meant to say was, "why can't my mom behave the way i would prefer when it comes to my wedding, instead of the way she is accustomed to behaving given her personality and the history of our relationship?"

and this isn't exactly a request for advice as much as it is a vent.

sometimes moms suck. what could you do, besides stop engaing her and do what you and your FI need to do to get this wedding planned. other than mom printing and sending out her own invitations, she doesn't have any power here unless you give it to her.

Kimtram7

In Response to Re: My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!:

In Response to My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist! : given the history provided, what reaction did you expect as a result of the aforementioned text? (see bold) i don't understand why you felt the need to share that information as it doesn't concern your mother in any way, shape, or form.  if you and FI are paying for the wedding then invite whoever you want. don't discuss this with anyone and you don't have to worry about them causing drama. if they approach you re: invite list, shut down the conversation, walk away if necessary.
Posted by *Barbie*

 Honestly, I didn't think it was even a problem. Never even crossed my mind she would blow up about the guestlist.  My fault. 

Kimtram7

In Response to Re: My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!:

what the OP meant to say was, "why can't my mom behave the way i would prefer when it comes to my wedding, instead of the way she is accustomed to behaving given her personality and the history of our relationship?" and this isn't exactly a request for advice as much as it is a vent. sometimes moms suck. what could you do, besides stop engaing her and do what you and your FI need to do to get this wedding planned. other than mom printing and sending out her own invitations, she doesn't have any power here unless you give it to her.
Posted by Wzz

IYikes, I'm sorry my post was so long, that you felt the need to shorten it.  When you wrote, "And this isn't exactly a request for advice as it is a vent." Hmm, I must have missed the guidelines of the "Wedding Woes" forum that strictly said it was for advice only, as it reads, "Stressed out? Ready to smack your FMIL, MOH, or both? Do it! Or tell us all about it and keep your hands to yourself. Search"  I thought I was allowed to vent/question in here, but I'm a first time poster, so I'll watch out next time, I guess.  But thanks for the advice towards the end, I'm not going to let her have any say in it, unless she plans to contribute the greens. :)

Kimtram7

In Response to Re: My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!:

Share absolutely nothing with her as far as wedding plans and do not engage in the guest list discussion again.  If she brings it up, say "we have it set, did you see the new Brad Pitt movie?"  DO NOT engage her.  If she keeps bringing it up leave or hang up on her.  Every time. You are paying, you and FI need to plan and do the footwork and have no expectations of that misty eyed MOB wanting to help out.  You said she ruins big occasions in your life so don't involve here and she can't do much.
Posted by kmmssg

Thank you for the advice. She will have no say, and I will not engage her.

ReturnOfKuus

DO NOT tell her that she doesn't get a say because she's not paying for it.  She'll throw wads of sweaty cash at you, and then hijack your wedding.

Wzz

get over it. i never said anything about being allowed or not to post here. poeple were giving you advice, and my opinion is that this was more for a vent than to ask for true advice.

chrissalina

I'm with everyone else...Leave your mom out of it...I have kind of had to do the same thing!!!

I love my mom but her opinion is not much to me, especially when my Fiance is paying for everything.  Don't let her get to you.  I'm experiencing the same thing and it sucks but you have to block out all the negative and not let anyone ruin YOUR DAY!!!!

Good Luck!!!!

kcross2121

I have noticed a lot of posts saying to leave the mother out of it. But that is easier said than done. I can relate to this kind of mother that freaked out on silly things and made a mountain out of a mole hill since i was young. I too am paying for my own wedding and trying not to let my mother get involved. But the thing is, she has gone through this before, you think she can help, and you want her to be involved with your special day even if she is crazy. I will say that I have had to put my foot down sometimes with my mother and tell her I am not discussing it anymore. Yes she is unpredictable on what she will freak out on so just tread lightly.

baileyskeeper

Same problem with my FMIL. Her guest list is over 200 people and she wants to invite people she doesn't even know, like a 4H meat judge.

MsJazzy73

Since you two are financing YOUR wedding YOURselves, that leaves anyone else's say null and void. Just say that you have it under control when she asks about the wedding....then leave it at that. Tell her you have the guest list under control.
After a while, you can't be surprised at her behavior anymore. And at some point, you are going to have to change the dynamic of the relationship to let her know this is no longer acceptable. Since you are about to become a wife, and begin your own life, now is as good a time as any.

toothgirl72

I feel for ya.  Your mom and my mom sound like they can be sisters!!!!  But this is my suggestion....yu and your betrothed stand up to your mother as a UNITED FRONT and simply tell her that if she wants all those "extended family members that you haven't seen since you were a child then SHE can pay for them since SHE wants them there so badly just so SHE doesn't have to hear it from them"

Kid you not....My mother pulled similar crap with me when I got maried the first time and we told her the same thing.  She backed down after that.

Good Luck hun,

Bookie7

My mom is doing the exact same thing!!!!  She gave me a list consisting of first names only.  The list includes 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins... I kid you not!  I don't know any of the people past 3rd cousin.  She has been a nightmare when it comes to the guest list - only.

abbyrose22

My mom is doing the same thing to me! She so graciously offered to pay for out food and beverage minimum. But now she thinks that she can invite who ever she wants because she says she is paying for it. What she doesn't realize is that the food is not the only extra charge in inviting more people. Plus we only want 180 guests because other wise the ballroom will be cramped, and I don't want that. I also don't want a bunch of family members that I literly have NEVER met...

The guest list is defiantly the most stressful part of the wedding planing. We just have to get through this and things should go smoothly.

Bookie7

In Response to Re: My mom is trying to dictate my guestlist!:

My mom is doing the same thing to me! She so graciously offered to pay for out food and beverage minimum. But now she thinks that she can invite who ever she wants because she says she is paying for it. What she doesn't realize is that the food is not the only extra charge in inviting more people. Plus we only want 180 guests because other wise the ballroom will be cramped, and I don't want that. I also don't want a bunch of family members that I literly have NEVER met... The guest list is defiantly the most stressful part of the wedding planing. We just have to get through this and things should go smoothly.
Posted by abbyrose22

My mom is pulling the exact same thing.  My fiance made a great point though... your mom giving you her list doesn't necessarily mean you have to invite everyone on it.  It's you and your fiance that get the final say.  Also, if you did invite all these people you don't even know, chances are they're not going to come becaue they don't know you either. 

Does your venue hold more than what you want to invite for your guests?  I specifically booked a venue that could only hold 250 max.  The only reason I even decided to go that big is because my fiance's family (intermediate family) is HUGE.