Brother-of-Groom probs

geosbride

OK, this'll prolly be a long rant b/c I'm pretty p.o'd right now!
So, the BoG, whom I've never met & my FH hasn't seen once in our entire 6-1/2-year relationship, decides he's gonna rsvp by inviting someone to come with him.
Now that wouldn't be a prob except for two huge things:
1. I've never met the guy and during this time w/his bro I've only heard about how he's an active crack addict/alcoholic who (in the past month) got kicked out of the only place that would have him, is now in a halfway house, and is panhandling for a living. NICE! <rolls eyes />
Note that he's been in "recovery" from addiction in the past but continually 'relapses' -- meaning, he's basically a junkie who occasionally stops & goes to meetings.
[Also note, I've got 24-1/2 years clean & sober so DO understand that whole cycle--but DO NOT want it to be a factor at our wedding!!]

2. Our venue, a lovely restaurant in the Hyatt Regency where we're having the ceremony, has a section for us with exactly 41 seats. We invited 49, had 5 declines, 31 accepts (not counting the bro) and 13 we're waiting on. Obviously it's VERY TIGHT and his bro was told this. (ok, guess we're not the 1st thing on his mind... <again, rolling eyes />)

As it is, I only have 1 friend that gets to come, FH has 2, the rest are immediate family on both sides--and my father is paying for everything. His family has given us a whopping $300....tho they can well afford whatever they want. We, on the other hand, are scrapping & trying to stay under $5K total!

Let's not mention that the bro doesn't get along with any of his stepparents who'll be there and is not exactly my first choice of who I want at our special day--but now he wants to bring along his "Sponsor", a guy who he only calls when he wants something--and someone neither of us know.

FH says it won't seem right getting married w/o his bro there, but that he feels it's the only way his bro will come is if he can bring someone HE's comfy with.

I'm sorry, isn't it OUR day? Doesn't the bro get enough attention every other day of his life without injecting his drama into ours???

I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla about this as it's just another thing with his family (there've been plenty other dramas w/them before this) & sure, they'll be my in-laws soon, but don't I get SOME say about who should/shouldn't come?

Thanks for listening!

TheDuckis

You obviously weren't this concerned with the seating limit at the restaurant when you invited 8 more people than it could hold. What were you going to do if everyone RSVPed yes?

If your FI wants his brother there enough to allow him the extra guest, that's up to him. If this is a cross you're willing to die on, maybe you should rethink the marriage.

geosbride

"You obviously weren't this concerned with the seating limit at the restaurant when you invited 8 more people than it could hold"

Um, we knew of several people who wouldn't be able to come (the 5 that declined) but wanted invites. The other 6 are friends of my father who, if they do accept, will sit outside the area of the restaurant where we'll be. (there's a small section that one steps down into in the place, other seats are up above us). Sorry if I didn't put all the details into my rant...

There are only exactly 41 seats--the extra person would be outside of what would fit in the area where we'll all be.... So, what do we do? Seat his bro & friend outside of our area? I mean, we can't split 'em up...

PMeg819

I'm stuck on the fact that your FI had to invite his drug addicted brother he hadn't seen in 6 1/2 years. Sure, blood is thicker than water or whateverthefvck you want to say, but seriously...you are saying that you can only have 41 people and you choose to invite someone that clearly isn't a huge part of YOUR life together? Priorities, you don't haz them. I fail to see why you get to invite one friend but you have to invite a crackhead. Explain that first.

geosbride

Well, as you said: "Blood is thicker than water" for some people, which is likely why FH wants his (only) sibling there & why mostly family is invited (father--who's paying--wanted it that way).

Plus, both of sets of parents are remarried... there's an extra 4 people. And we're both close to nieces & nephews (since we can't have kids) & invited 8 children, too. Heck, we'd rather have the kids than some of the parents, lol! ; />

Granted, I don't KNOW his bro (the two speak every few months) & would've preferred he not be invited given the troubles, but am more p.o.'d that he thinks it's ok to bring someone.... But, guess this is just a reminder that I can't expect sane behavior from an insane person. Tho am still conflicted w/what to do....

gabe8rach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_brother-of-groom-probs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e6200ad7-e2de-444d-aa10-82bcb0d51ca0Post:4739d1b1-efa9-4986-ae13-7dcfda160b15">Re: Brother-of-Groom probs</a>:
[QUOTE]You obviously weren't this concerned with the seating limit at the restaurant when you invited 8 more people than it could hold. What were you going to do if everyone RSVPed yes? If your FI wants his brother there enough to allow him the extra guest, that's up to him. If this is a cross you're willing to die on, maybe you should rethink the marriage.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok, I don't know if you have heard the expression "if you don't have something nice to say..." You get the idea.</div><div>
</div><div>This girl is looking for help with a sticky situation.  Not a Negative Nancy that's going to suggest she should "rethink the marriage."</div>

Muffin'sMom

You invited him, not him and a guest.  You have every right to say no.  That being said...you need to come to a decision WITH your fiance.  You will be related to him, and his brother, for a really long time.

geosbride

Thanks, MuffinsMom.

You are right!

geosbride

As for the brother bringing his sponsor, I'm sure it's his AA sponsor. But considering bro hasn't been 'sober' for quite some time (don't think he's been to a meeting in at least a year), and basically uses this guy when he needs something (aka a phone to use, a ride, commiseration, etc.).
We aren't 'serving' alcohol per se' as neither of us drinks it (we're having a Starbucks / iced tea / lemonade set-up) but folks may order alcoholic beverages from the bar if it's their preference.
As I said, with 24-1/2 yrs sober (AA/NA/Al-Anon) I'm well-versed on all the tricks myself--and DO 'understand' his addiction, I just have learned that I don't have accept unacceptable behavior.... particularly not wanting it on my wedding day!

Butter Cookie

FH says it won't seem right getting married w/o his bro there,

^^^That? Right there? That's your problem.

Your FH is assuming that this shell of a person who happens to look sort of like his brother is the same thing as the boy he grew up with.

It's not. This man can't even be sober long enough to read a flucking card.

I wouldn't have invited him at all, but since you did you have the right ot refuse his date (and come on, is his date going to be a classy enough person not to stab someone who goes for the piece of beef she wants if he's a crack addict?)

quotequeen

The other 6 are friends of my father who, if they do accept, will sit outside the area of the restaurant where we'll be.

This is really rude, btw.  Your guests should never be tiered or treated differently.  IMO, you should leave this decision up to your FI since it's his brother.