Wedding Reception Forum

Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please

Hello world of TheKnot.com, I have run into a minor issue regarding my reception.
My fiance is from NC and I am from PA, so our families are seperated by a couple hundred miles. My fiance and I have found a beautiful venue in NC and a affordable venue at that. So without any second thoughts our wedding is going to be in NC with A reception following. We ran into the problem that 90% of my family will not be able to attend either the wedding or reception because of cost of travel. My grandmother made the suggestion of having two receptions, one in NC and one in PA, but my fiance and I are argueing with that idea that the point of this wedding is not just the union of us but it's also the union of our families. Also I don't want one reception to be more fantastic then the other. I want to have one reception but if we have it in NC then it would be all of his family, my grandparents, and maybe a few of my friends. Any suggestions on how I can make these two receptions work or a suggestion of something else I could do to resolve this?

Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please

  • edited January 2013
    The general consensus on two reception is that it is fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding.

    In our situation, my family is in Cincinnati and DH's family is in San Francisco.  We were married in Philadelphia and invited only 40 people.  FIL was unable to attend our wedding because of heath issues and wanted to host a second reception in CA.  SIL was fielding call after call from people who had not been invited to the wedding asking if there would be a second reception for them.  My parents were also fielding call after call from people asking the same thing in Cincinnati.  We said okay to a CA reception but declined the OH one.

    FIL paid for and SIL planned the entire second reception.  She had to change the room twice because people who were not even invited were RSVPing that they were coming.  I got the full "My Big Fat Greek Wedding Reception" experience.

    The receptions were completely different styles but what made them each wonderful were the people that we had there.  We did not do any dancing at either one, did not do tosses at either one (you shouldn't do tosses or spotlight dances at a second reception).  There were toasts at both and we did a cake cutting at both (people have varying opinions on this).  I also wore my dress at both (a simple spaghetti strap ivory chiffon) but only wore the veil at the wedding reception.  If I had worn a ballroom gown or something elaborate I would have purchased a simple white or ivory evening gown to wear to the second reception.
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  • I personally am not a fan of the 2 reception idea. Honestly I would gave your reception in north Carolina as you and your fiancé love the venue and can afford it. And if people want to go they will go no matter where they are from. And I say this from experience because right now I am in the passenger seat of my moms car as we drive back to new jersey from my cousins wedding in Florida. Wevleft Wednesday night, arrived Thursday night, wedding was Friday and we left to drive back home late Saturday afternoon. We couldn't afford the flight seeing as my wedding is around the corner but there was no way that I would miss my cousins wedding. And even though it's been an adventure iam so glad I went!
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  • Sorry CMGr but this an evolving area and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules yet.  I've been to no less than half a dozen second receptions in the last few years - and my recollection is that most knotties are against second receptions comprised of everything that you would find at a reception following a wedding and inviting people who were not invited to the wedding.  In this age of couples from different parts of the country marrying, this is no longer uncommon and in a recession especially, it is not unheard of for people not to be able to travel to distant weddings (in my case two people travelling from CA and then staying in Philly for a couple of days would have cost them several thousand dollars, not to mention probably needing to take a day or two off work).

    At every second reception that I've been to, guests were happy to see the bride in her dress (some Knotties who have done this were uncomfortable rewearing their dress and opted for a different one).  They were happy to have dancing, cake and the toasts.  Nobody pretended this was the reception following the wedding.  Once couple had their wedding playing silently on screens during the reception.

    OP, it is possible to do this, just be careful about what you do and what you include.

    The invitation that SIL sent out was:

     "FIL of GLB
    invites you to a reception
    honoring the marriage of his son
    Mr. GLB
    to
    GLB
    daughter of GLB's mother and father
    to be held....."

    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:ab9cad99-986e-4b72-aea0-9ee546726c3d">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]The general consensus on two reception is that it is fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding. In our situation, my family is in Cincinnati and DH's family is in San Francisco.  We were married in Philadelphia and invited only 40 people.  FIL was unable to attend our wedding because of heath issues and wanted to host a second reception in CA.  SIL was fielding call after call from people who had not been invited to the wedding asking if there would be a second reception for them.  My parents were also fielding call after call from people asking the same thing in Cincinnati.  We said okay to a CA reception but declined the OH one. FIL paid for and SIL planned the entire second reception.  She had to change the room twice because people who were not even invited were RSVPing that they were coming.  I got the full "My Big Fat Greek Wedding Reception" experience. The receptions were completely different styles but what made them each wonderful were the people that we had there.  We did not do any dancing at either one, did not do tosses at either one (you shouldn't do tosses or spotlight dances at a second reception).  There were toasts at both and we did a cake cutting at both (people have varying opinions on this).  I also wore my dress at both (a simple spaghetti strap ivory chiffon) but only wore the veil at the wedding reception.  If I had worn a ballroom gown or something elaborate I would have purchased a simple white or ivory evening gown to wear to the second reception.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I am confused as to what appears to be a contradiction in your response.</div><div>
    </div><div>You tell the OP that it's "<strong> fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding".  </strong>Yet, you said you only invited <strong>40 people </strong>to your wedding ceremony, but held a second reception anyway, AND it included people not only not invited to the wedding, but not invited to reception #2 either??

    </div>
  • I think it's fine to have a second celebration, as long as the guests were invited to the wedding ceremony and reception.

    The second party can be as fancy or casual as you wish, but shouldn't involve a fake ceremony, since you will already be married. IMO, it's fine to wear the wedding dress to the second party. Toasts aren't limited to wedding receptions, so the couple should be able to toast each other and their guests. Skip the dreadful speeches that have become popular at wedding receptions.

                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:6cfa0b02-887a-47e1-9b75-5a673353343e">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I personally am not a fan of the 2 reception idea. Honestly I would gave your reception in north Carolina as you and your fiancé love the venue and can afford it. And if people want to go they will go no matter where they are from.
    Posted by LuckyGirl1713[/QUOTE]

    That's not true. There could be relatives that can't travel for health reasons, financial reasons or they may not be able to take several days off from work to attend a wedding, no matter how badly they may want to attend.
                       
  • edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:e8c1aec7-4af4-4673-9161-f831ef093674">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please : I am confused as to what appears to be a contradiction in your response. You tell the OP that it's "  fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding".   Yet, you said you only invited 40 people to your wedding ceremony, but held a second reception anyway, AND it included people not only not invited to the wedding, but not invited to reception #2 either??
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

    We did not host the second reception.  FIL did.  He was 88 years old and we were not about to tell him that he could not invite whomever he wanted considering he could not come to the wedding for health reasons.  We turned down the second reception offered by my parents in Cincinnati who were at the wedding.

    And yes, we had people there who came even though they were not invited.  Again, we were not about to tell FIL how to host.  I added that in there to point out that second receptions are far from being the "clutch your pearls I cannot believe they are doing this" that some people try to make them out to be.  People obviously wanted to come - and the RSVP "yes" tally for those who were invited was 100%. 
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I think it comes down to making a hard decision.  It sucks being an adult but as an adult you need to decide what is best for you as a couple.  If that means having the wedding in NC knowing that many of your family cannot make the trip then that is the choice you have to make.  If it means scratching the venue you love to have something closer to PA so that your family can come then that is a choice you have to make.

    I am in the group that you can't have everything that you want.  Life just isn't like that.  I think you and your FI need to rethink your plans and ask your VIP guests what would work best for them and plan around that.  As for the rest of your guests, if they really want to come to your wedding they will.

    As for what MairePoppy said about relatives not being able to travel due to health or financial reasons, that is why you need to check with your VIP guests.  You need to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, but just remember that not everyone will be able to make your wedding no matter where you have it.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:3f3dd4d2-acf5-410f-a262-5aa3597ccaed">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry CMGr but this an evolving area and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules yet.  I've been to no less than half a dozen second receptions in the last few years - and my recollection is that most knotties are against second receptions comprised of everything that you would find at a reception following a wedding and inviting people who were not invited to the wedding.  In this age of couples from different parts of the country marrying, this is no longer uncommon and in a recession especially, it is not unheard of for people not to be able to travel to distant weddings (in my case two people travelling from CA and then staying in Philly for a couple of days would have cost them several thousand dollars, not to mention probably needing to take a day or two off work). At every second reception that I've been to, guests were happy to see the bride in her dress (some Knotties who have done this were uncomfortable rewearing their dress and opted for a different one).  They were happy to have dancing, cake and the toasts.  Nobody pretended this was the reception following the wedding.  Once couple had their wedding playing silently on screens during the reception. OP, it is possible to do this, just be careful about what you do and what you include. The invitation that SIL sent out was:  "FIL of GLB invites you to a reception honoring the marriage of his son Mr. GLB to GLB daughter of GLB's mother and father to be held....."
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Ditto GLB 100%.
  • I think a party celebrating your marriage is okay, but I also agree with Maggie that you can't always get what you want.  I'm not a fan of two receptions because it looks greedy.  It's like you needed to have a day all about you twice.  If the second reception is a party and doesn't consist of any WR activities, then that shows your guests that you truly just wanted to celebrate with them.  Please do not refer to it as a reception.  

    My parents had a private ceremony and party for their family two months later.  Their invitation to the party read something like:
    Mr and Mrs John Doe 
    Invite you to celebrate the marriage of
    Mary Jane
    and 
    Bill Smith

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:b8d65ab1-c6b3-4c38-9eae-46624a745687">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please : We did not host the second reception.  FIL did.  He was 88 years old and we were not about to tell him that he could not invite whomever he wanted considering he could not come to the wedding for health reasons.  We turned down the second reception offered by my parents in Cincinnati who were at the wedding. And yes, we had people there who came even though they were not invited.  Again, we were not about to tell FIL how to host.  I added that in there to point out that second receptions are far from being the "clutch your pearls I cannot believe they are doing this" that some people try to make them out to be.  People obviously wanted to come - and the RSVP "yes" tally for those who were invited was 100%. 
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>So your answer to my question then is, yes, you did contradict yourself.  </div><div>
    </div><div>You said, "<span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">The general consensus on two reception is that it is fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding."</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">
    </span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">What you neglected to add is that there do seem to be exceptions to every rule, etiquette notwithstanding.</span></div>
  • edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-receptions-shenanigans-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ead83286-e36c-4848-adb4-fe1f36a5488bPost:153ef102-b633-4146-a3fc-2b2cd2f50a77">Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Receptions? SHENANIGANS. Help please : So your answer to my question then is, yes, you did contradict yourself.   You said, " The general consensus on two reception is that it is fine as long as the invitees to both were invited to the wedding." What you neglected to add is that there do seem to be exceptions to every rule, etiquette notwithstanding.
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

    No I did not contradict myself.  I said what the general consensus was and then I said what we did.  That is not a contradiction, that is someone who did not follow the general consensus.  Had I said, I believe you should only do X and then do the opposite, that would be a contradiction.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    Emspeakeasy, it's too bad your family cannot afford to travel a couple hundred miles for your wedding. If you're set on the NC venue, then you can certainly have a PA party for those who declined your wedding invitation. No matter what you do, there is no way that any other party could ever ever ever compare to your wedding and reception, ever. Sure you really really want that NC venue? Maybe it's time to evaluate alternatives.
  • edited January 2013
    So far I like all the responses. I'm still working on a few things. His family agreed to come to PA if we switch venues and I'll talk to our "VIP guests" and see if we can work something out. I did bring up the idea of having a charter bus from PA to NC and maybe even still having a party in PA. Nothing too fancy at the party just some people and friends who maybe couldn't attend and anyone who did go to the wedding in NC can attend too.
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