Wedding Reception Forum

Two different cultures - two receptions

My fiance is from another country where weddings typically start late in the evening, involve a sit down meal, full bar with hard liquor, and dancing until 3 or 4 in the morning at least. His family does not drink beer or wine, only hard liquor.

My family generally starts leaving weddings around 10 to 10:30 and at most we may have a glass or two of wine. We are not big dancers either. 

 We are getting married here in the U.S. as my parents refuse to travel. My fiance is embarrased to invite anyone from his country to anything less than what is offered in his country. What I have found is that the need to have a full bar with hard liquor effectively doubles the per-head price of the reception. This per-head cost severely limits how many people I can invite and I have a large extended family with many friends at the church where we will be married. I want these friends and family to be present at my wedding. This is what I have come up with so far to bridge the gap between our cultures

noon church wedding with 2 hour, sit-down 3 course meal and toast at restaurant for all of my friends, family, and his immediate family. No dancing, no toss, no wedding cake cut (other desserts). At least this way I can invite all of my family and friends (and their little ones) and whoever he is willing to invite. He said that he would be embarrased to invite most people from his culture to such a reception and he would only want his immediate family there.

Late evening reception at hotel with sit down meal, dancing, and full bar and liquor for his family and friends and my parents, siblings, and cousins my age. The size of this reception is pretty much dictated by inviting only as many people as required to meet the hotel's food and beverage minimum. He has 55 people to invite and I would add the rest from my family to meet the minimum.

Comments? Suggestions?

Re: Two different cultures - two receptions

  • LasairionaLasairiona member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    Have one reception where you combine cultures. People do it all the time. No one is at the bar holding a gun to anyone's head to drink alcohol. Tons of folks don't drink beer or wine and prefer other alcohol. Why is this a problem? You will have to learn how to compromise if you want to get anywhere in your marriage and choices will be much harder at that point. If someone disowns you because you don't offer something elaborate, they are attending for the wrong reasons and it's entirely their loss. You have already offered your gracious hospitality and if they can't accept that, it's not your problem.
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_two-different-cultures-two-receptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:f0dfd961-f59c-40ec-b3b9-74349b784632Post:0e5069ec-b330-4708-a527-9a805b1e66ca">Two different cultures - two receptions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance is from another country where weddings typically start late in the evening, involve a sit down meal, full bar with hard liquor, and dancing until 3 or 4 in the morning at least. His family does not drink beer or wine, only hard liquor. My family generally starts leaving weddings around 10 to 10:30 and at most we may have a glass or two of wine. We are not big dancers either.   We are getting married here in the U.S. as my parents refuse to travel. <strong>My fiance is embarrased to invite anyone from his country to anything less than what is offered in his country. </strong>What I have found is that the need to have a full bar with hard liquor effectively doubles the per-head price of the reception. This per-head cost severely limits how many people I can invite and I have a large extended family with many friends at the church where we will be married. I want these friends and family to be present at my wedding. This is what I have come up with so far to bridge the gap between our cultures noon church wedding with 2 hour, sit-down 3 course meal and toast at restaurant for all of my friends, family, and his immediate family. No dancing, no toss, no wedding cake cut (other desserts). At least this way I can invite all of my family and friends (and their little ones) and whoever he is willing to invite. <strong>He said that he would be embarrased to invite most people from his culture to such a reception and he would only want his immediate family there.</strong> Late evening reception at hotel with sit down meal, dancing, and full bar and liquor for his family and friends and my parents, siblings, and cousins my age. The size of this reception is pretty much dictated by inviting only as many people as required to meet the hotel's food and beverage minimum. He has 55 people to invite and I would add the rest from my family to meet the minimum. Comments? Suggestions?
    Posted by bw44[/QUOTE]

    Marriage is about compromise. What you've come up with doesn't really seem like a real compromise to me.

    And him being "embarrassed" to invite his family to something that essentially represents your family is a <strong>huge</strong> red flag, imo. If he loves you for who you are, he shouldn't be "embarrassed" for his family to see that. Especially since what you're used to isn't that "offensive" of a reception.

    And this wedding is supposed to be about the 2 of you joining together to make a new family ... having what is essentially a "segregated" reception isn't really sending that whole message of "joining together".

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  • You should definitely have one reception with both families attending. How rude and more expensive it would be to both sides to have seperate ones! Have a big wedding like your fiance's culture entails since they are  the ones traveling, not your family. And what do you mean your family doesn't dance?!!! Anyway, if your family doesn't dance I don't think they'd be offended by others dancing. Maybe then they will then learn to loosen up and have fun. Weddings are celebrations, and should be big parties that last until the wee hours. As for the alcohol costing more, try a different venue that is not as expensive or a place that will allow you to bring your own. OR offer beer, wine, and just r a specific signature cocktail. If his family drinks a lot of vodka, then have your signature drink be made with it and have the color match the wedding colors. This would be cheaper than stocking a full bar. You could also just cut costs in other areas, like hiring a cheap dj or using an ipod. Or get a second job and wuit once you've made enough money to cover the cost of alcohol. Under NO circumstances should you have a cash bar or not offer alcohol!!! As a guest who drinks socially, I am very disappointed when I am at a wedding that doesn't serve cocktails or that you have to pay for them. Go with your husband's culture and tell your family to relax and enjoy the exciting and festive reception.
  • I agree compromise is needed.  One reception is all you need and should represent both cultures equally.  Furthermore, I think it would be offensive to your families to split them up like that.  Someone is going to feel hurt that they were not invited to both receptions.  A wedding is about to families coming together- have ONE reception.
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  • Also, have the reception end around 11 and then hold an after-party to anyone who wants to attend at another location, such as a local bar.
  • There are a gazillion ways to incorporate both traditions into one wedding.  You can offer a full bar.  Those that want a glass of wine can have it.  Those that want hard liquor are free to have that as well.

    Start the ceremony/reception around dinnertime, serve a full meal, dance until 11 or midnight, and then throw an afterparty.  Or, have an evening reception and keep it going late into the night.  No one is forcing your family to stay.  If they want to go, they should go.

    The two of you need to sit down and figure out what is most important and how to incorporate those must haves into the wedding day.  Both of you seem pretty ridgid and unwilling to deviate from what your families traditionally do.  Well, make your own traditions.

    And, I would also think that him being embarassed to invite his family to the wedding is a huge red flag.

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