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FI's coworkers, "after party" dilemma..Iong, sorry

I am not sure how to deal with this situation and could use some advice. 

FI is in an industry where they work in shifts and some will have to work late.  As he calls it, he has tiers of work friends- people he socializes with outside of work, people at work who he doesn't but more so because they are on different rotations and they are buddies at work, and people he doesn't really like...lol.

We are having an "after party", not sure what else to call it. Venue is a waterfront restaurant/bar, our reception is under a tent with its own bar and they have another outside bar and entertainment area.  The venue will have a band that comes on at 10, we'll end around 9:30 and venue said we can stay, they just have to shut down our bar (open bar during our reception) and we would have to use the other bar which will be cash, no exceptions.  We are thinking of doing more food, kind of like another cocktail hour.  No idea how I will get them a head count for this , I might be able to make a guess.  That is one problem. 

Second problem, FI thinks we should do a separate invite to his coworkers who he knows will not be able to attend the ceremony and reception because of sched, but who could make "party".   I think we should just invite everyone to the ceremony and reception (that he is friends with), but not sure whether or not to put a note in there about everyone staying late so those on shifts would know heah swing by. Or do we just do word of mouth.  FI said ettiquette is not an issue because his work buddies would not know it if it jumped up and bit them in the a$$.  Gotta love men, lol.  But I am also perplexed about informing other guests about staying if they like, is word of mouth ok?  People who already know about the "party" (close friends and family) are real excited because the band is awesome and the fact that we can all stay where we are and none of them want the wedding to end at 9:30pm.   

Thanks, and again, sorry so long.
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Re: FI's coworkers, "after party" dilemma..Iong, sorry

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would invite everyone that you would like to be at your wedding to the wedding.  If they can't make it because of the time or their schedule oh well.

    I think spreading the "after party" by word of mouth is the best option.  If you start doing anything more formal then you will have to host whoever shows up meaning more money out of your pocket.  But if you just say, "hey after the reception we are going to stick around have a few drinks and listen to the band, you are welcome to join." then that is fine and does not give the impression that it is another hosted event.

    After RSVPs are returned and those friends of your FI who have a scheduling conflict due to work, I think it would be fine for your FI to tell them "We got your RSVP, its ashame you can't make it but just to let you know that after the reception is over we plan on hanging out at the bar and listen to the band playing that night so if you want to come and hang out and have a few drinks come on by."

  • Lia, I dont know what a tier reception is, but rude is the last thing fi would ever intend to be so I will share with him your thoughts.  We are extremely fortunate that money is not the issue so we aren't looking to only invite people to one part just to cut cost.  Ideally we would love to have every single one of his work friends be there the entire time but homeland security would probably take issue with that, lol.

    My concern is that their schedules are known to everyone, and the rotations are set.  In other words we will know who is scheduled to work that night well before we send out invites.  I was worried  it would be rude to send an invite to someone who we absolutely know can not make it, so fi said do a separate invite for them about the party.  And when he says invite, I think he means like what we would send out if we were having an informal party at our house.

    Maggie, I like your idea of FI talking to people after we get the rsvp.  But I just want to be sure it isn't rude to send them an invite if we know they can not come ahead of time. 

    I am just so confused.  I'm starting to think I am overthinking it.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to Re: FI's coworkers, "after party" dilemma..Iong, sorry:
    Lia, I dont know what a tier reception is, but rude is the last thing fi would ever intend to be so I will share with him your thoughts.  We are extremely fortunate that money is not the issue so we aren't looking to only invite people to one part just to cut cost.  Ideally we would love to have every single one of his work friends be there the entire time but homeland security would probably take issue with that, lol. My concern is that their schedules are known to everyone, and the rotations are set.  In other words we will know who is scheduled to work that night well before we send out invites.  I was worried  it would be rude to send an invite to someone who we absolutely know can not make it, so fi said do a separate invite for them about the party.  And when he says invite, I think he means like what we would send out if we were having an informal party at our house. Maggie, I like your idea of FI talking to people after we get the rsvp.  But I just want to be sure it isn't rude to send them an invite if we know they can not come ahead of time.  I am just so confused.  I'm starting to think I am overthinking it.
    Posted by ciligirl
    It is not rude to send them an invite even if you think they can't make it.  You never know what may happen.  Schedules may change before your wedding and they could make it.  You shouldn't assume people can't come and then not send them an invitation based solely off your assumption becasue you just never know.

    Oh and a tiered reception is where you invite a certain amount of people to your ceremony and then those individuals plus a few more to dinner and then you invite those individuals plus a larger amount for only dessert and dancing.  Excluding people from certain parts of your day and not others is considered a tiered reception.

  • Thanks Maggie for the explanation.  I had never heard of a tiered reception. 

    And you are right about the you never know,although their schedule is usually pretty set in stone.  Maybe it will be more important to some and they will opt to swap schedules with someone.  I truly want to thank you for your advice and for helping me think it out.

    What was real "funny" was FI wasn't even sure he could get the day off until this past December when they bid leave and our wedding is in June.  Talk about stress when I was trying to book vendors and pick a date last year.
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  • absolutely not.

    invite everyone that you want to the reception. whoever can make it will then the reception (and your wedding) is over.
    you can mention that you will be staying for some time at the bar but it's not part fo your reception.  but you may NOT invite some to a reception where you provide food and drink and then invite others to a restaurant for them to buy their own food and drinks. that's just a stupid idea. whether the guys would know or not  (as your FI put it) does not mean that he can do something that's just a dumb bad idea.

    and my dh is nypd so believe me i understand about working in differen shifts and the issues it causes.

     

  • I had a similar situation to yours.

    H and I are both in law enforcement so there was a giant chunk of our guest list that were law enforcement as well.  We knew that there were people that could not come because of scheduling.  For example, H worked for a small department and every officer was invited.  We knew that someone wouldn't be able to come because someone had to keep our town safe.  :)

    We were also planning an after party.

    We invited everyone we wanted to come.  Those that couldn't, we passed on the info about the after party.  But some people who usually worked 2nd shift took the night off to come to the wedding.  So you may be surprised, some people you didn't think could come may be able to.  An invtie allows them to make that call.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Ciligirl, a "tiered reception" is when you deliberately invite guests to different amounts and degrees of hospitality.

    For example, some guests are invited to the whole reception, others are invited only to dinner, still others are invited only to dance.

    It's considered very rude.  Etiquette requires that all guests be offered the same hospitality-no picking and choosing which guests will be invited for X and which will be invited for Y.
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