Wedding with no dinner?

amandayb28

Due to some very tight budget constraints and a very large extended family (160) and a large immediate family (75) we have decided that we can't not invite people but we can't afford to feed everyone. We are planning on having a private dinner for our immediate family and then getting married at 6pm. My questions are: Do you think our guests will be offended by no dinner but only the late "midnight" snack/lunch? How would you word your invitations for the guests invited to the church and reception? Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am worried we will offend our extended family and friends. Thank you!

Knottie1450123632

if you have your guests come to ceremony you have to feed them something.  a 6pm ceremony lands in the middle of dinner time. i would cut you guest list.

gailpete

Either cut your guest list or plan a wedding for a non meal time.  You can get married at 2 pm and then have a cake and punch reception following.  That way no one will be offended.

RebeccaB88

I agree, 6pm is dinnertime. Your guests will come expecting a meal.  If you don't want to move your ceremony earlier in the afternoon, you could also do it late, like around 8pm, and offer cake, desserts, and beverages afterwards.   Or, have a morning ceremony and serve a brunch or luncheon after. They tend to be less expensive than dinner.

KellyBreanne

I agree that it might be better to move the time to a non-meal time.  If people are at your reception at six, they probably won't have eaten beforehand and will be anxious to leave to eat.

If you're adamant about the time, however, I'd give them a warning with the invitation.  Maybe consider sending a reception enclosure with your invitations stating when and where the reception will be held and that "light refreshments" will be served.

I would check on how to do that with proper etiquette, but it would be something to consider, anyway.

DramaGeek

I'd either get married at 2 and have a cake and punch reception then dinner with immediate family if it's in the budget, or I'd get married around 8 with a dessert and cocktails reception.

lyndausvi

6 pm is dinner time. You need to provide a meal at that time. 

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:6713bc7e-1850-43a9-9f4b-ba8e70af76c8">Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Due to some very tight budget constraints and a very large extended family (160) and a large immediate family (75) we have decided that we can't not invite people but we can't afford to feed everyone. We are planning on having a private dinner for our immediate family and then getting married at 6pm. My questions are: <strong>Do you think our guests will be offended by no dinner but only the late "midnight" snack/lunch? </strong>How would you word your invitations for the guests invited to the church and reception? Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am worried we will offend our extended family and friends. Thank you!
Posted by amandayb28[/QUOTE]

Yes, they will be, because doing this is offensive.  As PPs have said, the acceptable solutions are to cut your guest list so that you can afford to feed your guests a meal at mealtime, or move your wedding to a non-mealtime (start your ceremony either at 2pm, or 8 pm).

jessicabessica

You should not invite some guests to ceremony + reception and others to ceremony + dinner + reception.  That is tiering your guestlist, and there is no polite way to do it.  When the reception-only guests see your dinner guests going to the dinner location or talking about it, don't you think they'll feel hurt that they were excluded and are on their own for dinner during the gap?  

There's also not going to be a polite way to invite people to a mealtime reception without a meal.  I would follow the advice of PPs and look at alternative times where you can properly host snacks and dessert (mid-afternoon, after 8pm) or consider a brunch reception that might stretch your money a bit more than dinner.

kmmssg

OP - 6 pm wedding means you need to feed them a meal.  You could move the wedding itself to 8 pm and then you would be fine, or do the 2 pm followed by cake and punch.

alithebride

what's the purpose of having the dinner before the wedding? you're not married before so you can't celebrate before.

invite only the people you want to take for dinner to the ceremony then have the ceremony followed by the dinner.

no it's not acceptable to invite people during meal time (and even later on saturday-i'd say until about 10pm since no one i know really eats dinner at 6pm anyway) and not feed them a meal.

alithebride

or you can just wait a year, save your money and feed everyone after the ceremony.

Knottie1450123632

stage- mom and sis were fine but i think they plan on taking whole family before wedding sounds like to me so family can eat and they can get around feeding the guests but so family will have dinner

hhaas44

Have a formal potluck!!!! I worked at a very elegant wedding hall for 3 years and got so many wonderful idea that are realistic, more so than this site. You could choose a hall where you're allowed to bring in your own catering and then maybe have each immediate family make a large dish and go with a theme. So, if you were having a fall or winter wedding you could easily have 10 different soups for guests to choose from with a variety of breads and then have a long table with potluck desserts that way you don't have to have a large wedding cake and spend a fortune. I saw a long table with desserts at a wedding I worked around Halloween and they had the entire thing decorated so cute. Chances are in all those famillies attics and basements you will definitely find your decorations... go with the potluck but make it formal! Sure to be a hit, just remember to include favors and they'll feel appreciated! Favors DO NOT have to cost much... I found homemade jams for a buck each... you just have to be creative!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:db612134-9023-4c35-aff3-3ce6d94a143f">Re: Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have a formal potluck!!!! I worked at a very elegant wedding hall for 3 years and got so many wonderful idea that are realistic, more so than this site. You could choose a hall where you're allowed to bring in your own catering and then maybe have each immediate family make a large dish and go with a theme. So, if you were having a fall or winter wedding you could easily have 10 different soups for guests to choose from with a variety of breads and then have a long table with potluck desserts that way you don't have to have a large wedding cake and spend a fortune. I saw a long table with desserts at a wedding I worked around Halloween and they had the entire thing decorated so cute. Chances are in all those famillies attics and basements you will definitely find your decorations... go with the potluck but make it formal! Sure to be a hit, just remember to include favors and they'll feel appreciated! Favors DO NOT have to cost much... I found homemade jams for a buck each... you just have to be creative!
Posted by hhaas44[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry, but potlucks are the epitome of rude when it comes to receptions.  The reception is to thank your guests for coming and to host them, not to ask them to pay for the food for your party.

</div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:db612134-9023-4c35-aff3-3ce6d94a143f">Re: Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have a formal potluck!!!! I worked at a very elegant wedding hall for 3 years and got so many wonderful idea that are realistic, more so than this site. You could choose a hall where you're allowed to bring in your own catering and then maybe have each immediate family make a large dish and go with a theme. So, if you were having a fall or winter wedding you could easily have 10 different soups for guests to choose from with a variety of breads and then have a long table with potluck desserts that way you don't have to have a large wedding cake and spend a fortune. I saw a long table with desserts at a wedding I worked around Halloween and they had the entire thing decorated so cute. Chances are in all those famillies attics and basements you will definitely find your decorations... go with the potluck but make it formal! Sure to be a hit, just remember to include favors and they'll feel appreciated! Favors DO NOT have to cost much... I found homemade jams for a buck each... you just have to be creative!
Posted by hhaas44[/QUOTE]

No.  No.  No.  Oh hell No.

You are receiving guests.  You do not ask them to work your wedding.  In addition, she would still need to hire people to make sure foods stayed at the proper temperatures, make sure food stays filled, clean up afterwards, wash everything and get serving containers and untensils back to the owners and buy liability insurance in case someone gets sick from the food.

Knottie1450123632

sorry stage i thought it had said your mom and sis.  i misread

MyNameIsNot

It is rude to skip the meal at a 6:00 wedding.  Your guests would be offended, and they would leave quickly.  It's fine to have an intimate dinner with immediate family before the ceremony or after the reception, but you need to move the time for the guests that don't make the cut for dinner.

I would move the ceremony to 2:00, have a cake & punch (or with snacks, etc) reception until 4-5, then schedule dinner that evening.  If you are hellbent on an evening reception, plan the dinner for 5-6:00, then schedule the ceremony for 9:00 and the cake/dessert reception to follow.  

Depending on your budget, you may be able to scale back and come up with an affordable dinner for everyone.  While OP's potluck suggestion is really rude, there are ways to feed a large group on a tight budget.  You could do BBQ from a local restaurant for a couple of dollars a head, or you could do lasagna or pasta trays from somewhere like Fazolli's or Buca de Peppo for cheap.  If you're interested in something like that, the people on this board can give a bunch of ideas for cheap food.  

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:6713bc7e-1850-43a9-9f4b-ba8e70af76c8">Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Due to some very tight budget constraints and a very large extended family (160) and a large immediate family (75) we have decided that we can't not invite people but we can't afford to feed everyone. We are planning on having a private dinner for our immediate family<strong> and then getting married at 6pm</strong>. My questions are: <strong>Do you think our guests will be offended by no dinner but only the late "midnight" snack/lunch</strong>? How would you word your invitations for the guests invited to the church and reception? Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am worried we will offend our extended family and friends. Thank you!
Posted by amandayb28[/QUOTE]

Oh my.  You expect your guests to see you get married at 6pm and then hang around a reception until midnight for a snack?  How would you feel if you didn't eat?

Your situation is not unique.  Many people have large families and small budgets.  I see absolutely no reason why you can't move your ceremony to an off meal time.  Please don't be selfish and inconsiderate to your guests.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:041d7ba0-ec6e-468c-88d4-94a1e5b9003f">Re:Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, OP said the private dinner would be BEFORE the ceremony, so that part is okay. Before the ceremony and after the reception, she is free to do as she pleases. If they were getting married, taking the family out to dinner and THEN having the light reception for the other guests, it would be wrong.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I totally missed the dinner before the wedding part.  I am still confused about the timeline...dinner seems like it would need to be early, unless OP is planning to be totally ready in whatever she wants to wear for the wedding for dinner and usually eats on the early side.  </div>

amandayb28

I appreciate everyone taking time and giving advice. Our day kinda looks like this, knowing full well it will not run that smoothly. From 430 or 5-6 is a private dinner for immediate family only (68 ppl). Our ceramony from 630-730. Reception and dance from 8 on (close to 180 ppl). Speeches and 1st dance...cake cutting between then and 930. Then we would have a light lunch around 930-10. We thought about having some sort of homemade cookie bar or snacks on table to munch at while speeches (skits) are going. This is a very low key wedding, in a very small village and town. Everything has been down scaled as much as possible.

kmmssg

You need to move the wedding to 8 pm.  What you are doing is just not polite or gracious to your guests at all.  

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:cf2919ab-33e8-48c9-8445-eed8c6c2c8df">Re: Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate everyone taking time and giving advice. Our day kinda looks like this, knowing full well it will not run that smoothly. From 430 or 5-6 is a private dinner for immediate family only (68 ppl). Our ceramony from 630-730. Reception and dance from 8 on (close to 180 ppl). Speeches and 1st dance...cake cutting between then and 930. Then we would have a light lunch around 930-10. We thought about having some sort of homemade cookie bar or snacks on table to munch at while speeches (skits) are going. This is a very low key wedding, in a very small village and town. Everything has been down scaled as much as possible.
Posted by amandayb28[/QUOTE]

Again I ask....how would you feel if you got ready, drove to a ceremony, sat there for an hour, then went to a reception and all you got was light snacks around 10pm?  Wouldn't you want to eat dinner???? 

What you are doing is very rude.  Be forewarned that many people will probably not stay long once they realize there is no dinner. They'll be so hungry they'll be hightailing it out of your reception and heading for the nearest burger joint.

And, again, I don't understand why you can't move your ceremony to a non-meal time.  And, if money is that much of an issue, why in the world are you hosting a private dinner for nearly 70 people.  Why not put that money towards a nice, PROPER reception for your guests.

DramaGeek

It seems like the private dinner, snack and cookies on the table would add up to be the same cost as feeding all of your guests dinner. Either move away from dinner time (and I'd skip the snack) and do appetizers and dessert or feed everyone.

Avion22

I'm sorry, but even though the "private dinner" is before the ceremony, I would be upset if I found out that I was one of the 100 people who you deemed not important enough to feed at some point during the celebration.   It still sounds tiered to me.  If the dinner was a completely separate event (like a RD), then maybe it would be okay.   But going straight from a 68-person-dinner to the ceremony, in my mind, lumps it in with the rest of the festivities.

Unless you each have 30 brothers and sisters, 68 is NOT your immediate family.  Immediate family is parents, siblings, and grandparents.  My husband and I both come from large families, and our entire wedding reception was for 80 people.   

My recommendation would be to ditch the "private dinner" for 68 people, start your wedding as planned at 6:30, then use the money you saved on the big dinner and spend it on a less expensive meal for the 180.    Buffets don't have to be expensive.  

But this is just my opinion....

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:3b94e0fb-6cd8-4c0e-9e7d-248b09bb4f9f">Re: Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, but even though the "private dinner" is before the ceremony, I would be upset if I found out that I was one of the 100 people who you deemed not important enough to feed at some point during the celebration.   It still sounds tiered to me.  If the dinner was a completely separate event (like a RD), then maybe it would be okay.   But going straight from a 68-person-dinner to the ceremony, in my mind, lumps it in with the rest of the festivities. Unless you each have 30 brothers and sisters, 68 is NOT your immediate family.  Immediate family is parents, siblings, and grandparents.  My husband and I both come from large families, and our entire wedding reception was for 80 people.    My recommendation would be to ditch the "private dinner" for 68 people, start your wedding as planned at 6:30, then use the money you saved on the big dinner and spend it on a less expensive meal for the 180.    Buffets don't have to be expensive.   But this is just my opinion....
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

This. 

The dinner you are having will be seen as lumped into all the wedding festivities.  By doing what you are describing you are having a tiered wedding which is really rude.  If I were one of the other 100 or so guests who came to your ceremony only to see 70 others just finishing up dinner I would be pissed.

courtski2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-no-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ff464035-3148-4db1-8fba-cf724c54a644Post:cf2919ab-33e8-48c9-8445-eed8c6c2c8df">Re: Wedding with no dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate everyone taking time and giving advice. Our day kinda looks like this, knowing full well it will not run that smoothly. From 430 or 5-6 is a private dinner for immediate family only (68 ppl). Our ceramony from 630-730. Reception and dance from 8 on (close to 180 ppl). Speeches and 1st dance...cake cutting between then and 930. Then we would have a <strong>light lunch around 930-10</strong>. We thought about having some sort of homemade cookie bar or snacks on table to munch at while speeches (skits) are going. This is a very low key wedding, in a very small village and town. Everything has been down scaled as much as possible.
Posted by amandayb28[/QUOTE]

Why is it being called lunch? Regardless, as others have noted, your ceremony and reception are occurring during a meal time. It is your responsibility to host all your guests comfortably, not a select portion. I am not comfortable when starving. If I weren't lucky enough to have been provided a meal at mealtime, I wouldn't stick around until 9:30 to see if you were going to feed me something.

Just because it is a low key wedding, it doesn't give you a pass to be rude to your guests.

Knottie1450123632

i dont think food of any kind at 9pm is a lunch. to me lunch is afternoon for me before 5pm.  but you are being rude in a nutshell.  picking and choosing which guests you love enough to feed.  id be pissed and prolly would leave. 

QueerFemme

Skip the private dinner all together on the day of the wedding.  If you want to take people out the day before for a rehearsal dinner or something, fine, but what you are planning is horribly rude, and probably very expensive.

You could probably host a bbq for ALL of your guests for the same amount you are paying for a private dinner for those 168 people.

there is absolutely no getting around that what you are doing is rude and inconsiderate to the other 100+ people coming to your wedding.

MoxieMickie

In Response to

MyNameIsNot

You need to rethink your timeline.

Honestly, I have a really hard time believing there are 68 people in your immediate family.  Immediate family is parents, siblings and children.  It does not include grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins or neices and nephews.  Unless you are each one of 15 and all of your siblings are married, your immediate family is not 68 people.  

You could do a private lunch for true immediate family, then the ceremony at 2:00, and then a non-meal reception to follow.  However, if you are inviting half your guest list to a meal at any time of the day, it's rude.  If you insist on feeding those 68, either cut your guest list to just include them or figure out a way to feel the whole list.