Advice on FMIL

mmort06

I really dont know what to do, and thought some outside advice might be good. A little background, FI is her only son and she wasnt too thrilled about us getting engaged because she thinks we are too young. I am 21, he is almost 23 and we have been together 4 years and living together on our own for three.She really wants us to have a big traditional fairy tale wedding. Neither of us are into that and want our personalities to reflect.  His parents are paying for the venue and DJ and mine are doing Catering and Photography.  We are having a budget wedding for 10,000. FI and I are very into music and we want a rockabilly themed wedding. Its not going to be too much though. Are main things are, boys wearing converse with their tuxes (we are getting their nicknames sewn into them and this will double as their gifts.), a white 3 tiered cake with black music notes cascading down the side, flower girl in a polka dot dress  (our colors are red, black and white.) and walking down the aisle to a non traditional, but equally beautiful Something Corporate song that means a lot to us.Ok now here is the thing. I have searched high and low at what feels like every bridal store around here, and cant find my dream dress. I decided a couple months ago that I am going to get a vintage recreation wedding dress designed by a vintage dress store owner and designer who is extremely reputable. FMIL is freaking out over this. Everytime anyone brings up the wedding she has some snude comment about how im going to end up hating it. I already told her if I do, I will go buy a sample off the rack somewhere. I am taking a chance because this is what I want.  Well at my birthday dinner on Sunday, she started in on it again and it made my mom really upset. My mom loves this idea too and is very excited about it. She then remarked to my FI how she wont dance with him at the wedding if he is wearing converse. Then she said that we are treating a wedding like its a joke with all of our "ideas." Im getting fed up with it, my moms feelings were hurt now too.But whenever I say anything all I get was, "thats way she is and the way she has always been."First she freaked that she wasnt being included enough, now that I am trying my best to include her in anything and everything, she ends up making me want to cry. Ugh what would you do?

yjakel

First and foremost, I think the idea of a vintage dress sounds AWESOME!! I'm sure you've heard this before and you'll hear it again, it's your day. You should do what you want to do. You FMIL had her day and now it's yours. If you want to walk down the aisle with a pink tutu on, you should! Don't let your FMIL change your wedding into hers, make it the most memorable day in the world for you and your FI. If your FI says that this is the way that she's always been, it probably has nothing to do with your dress as much as her personality

cromero49

Your wedding sounds awesome, definitely don't change it. From what you've said about your FMIL, I'd say she is going to pout and complain at every turn, but I highly doubt she'd actually not dance with her son if he was wearing converse. Keep planning and she will suck it up. If she doesn't it's totally her loss and it will reflect poorly on her. I'm really glad that your mom is on board with this and is supportive of you and your FI's decisions. Unfortunately, she sounds like the type of person that will not stop complaining for anything and you'll probably just have to listen to it. I'm not sure how this will go over since I don't know your FMIL, but you might want to consider talking to her and telling her that her negativity is weighing down the planning process and making it hard to include her. Still stress that you really want her to be part of your special day but that you could use some encouragement. My mom would have thrown a fit if I had decided to wear converse with my wedding dress, which is what I wanted to do. I can somewhat relate. It is stressful to deal with, but in the end stick to your guns and do what you want so you don't regret it later.

isolette

Sorry I don't have much advice to offer other than echoe the other two girls obviously she has a different idea of what the "perfect" wedding is and as much as you try you will not agree anything, and like they said it is yours and FI's day and it should be memorable to you, you seem like you are a very nice girl and really going out of your way to make her happy but if she is not going to be happy either way you are just going to have to let it be otherways is just going to drive nuts, one last thing you could do is let her know you are trying and want to include her but she needs to remember it is your wedding I really feel for ya I lucked out in the FMIL department good vibes being sent your way and good luck

nutmegmjk

If he's not going to stand up to her, I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to do it.  Next time she says something like that, just tell her that it really hurts your feelings when she is negative about your ideas for your wedding and if it continues you won't feel comfortable telling her about them.  And if she gets pissy about that then I would probably avoid her until the wedding.

lprouten

Just wanted to say I think your ideas sound great, and to hopefully reassure you that what your doing is fine. People who know and care about you will understand why you chose to do things differently. Have fun planning YOUR day!

Aimee8314

I think your wedding sounds super cute!!  I can't wait to see pictures!  That being said, it sounds like your FI is pretty kick back about the whole thing - which means that she really is probably "just like this."  If you asked him to, would he talk to his mom?  and just tell her that she's hurting your feelings?  if not, I think you might just have to develop that thick skin and just realize that her issues have nothing to do with you. I hope she comes around.  good luck!

sarandjerburns

I would either have FI talk to her or you talk to her about how her opinions and negativity are bringing you down and making you feel bad about decisions you were stoked about. GL, I know how hard it is to stand up to a mom that doesn't agree with your vision, but honestly, it is SO worth your sanity in the end.By the way, love all your ideas. And LOOOOOOVE Something Corporate! What song are you using??

sm23

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh - I'm just trying to be honest, since you asked us what we would do:1. Realize that when other people pay for parts or all of your wedding, they sometimes get the idea in their head that they get to dictate to you how your wedding should be. Whether you agree with that concept or not, your FMIL is one of the people who believes that. If you really really want her off your back, you could return her money and just pay for the wedding yourselves. Then when she complains about something, tell her you're paying and this is what you want.2. I would ask my FI to please speak with his mother. She doesn't have to agree with your guys' ideas, but she needs to be respectful. You have heard her opinion, you've taken it into consideration, and now it's time to move on. The "That's the way she is" answer does not fly (at least not with me).3. Learn to kill her with kindness/learn to end the conversation. Next time she says you guys are making a joke out of the wedding, complains about her son's shoes or your dress, or whatever else, tell her you're sorry she feels that way but you are certain everything will turn out beautiful, everyone will have a good time, and you look forward to celebrating the day with her. Repeat as necessary. This will be a good skill for you to learn, as it sounds like this will not be the last conflict you have with your FMIL. I hope your FI is up to the task of standing up to her as needed.Good luck!

Equine Osmosis

Sounds like it's going to be a long 9 months! That is, until the next time your FMIL gets a chance at a temper tantrum. I can sympathize, my dad is very similar and when he doesn't like/approve of something, he tries to make everyone around him just as miserable as he is to try to get people to give in so he'll shut up. He doesn't approve of my wedding and so won't walk me down the aisle (thinking that will stop my wedding). He just hasn't accepted the fact that I'm getting married with or without him! I hope this doesn't come across harsh, but I am speculating from my own experiences so bear with me. Sounds like your FMIL (like my dad) is the type of person who, unfortunately, can only see what's best for themselves. Your FMIL seems to have had a very clear idea of the wedding she wanted for her son and now is upset that it's not happening that way. She's trying to get you upset. Of course she probably won't admit to it, but the point is that if you get upset enough about the tantrum she's causing, perhaps you'll give in. You actually getting upset or crying and your mother getting upset is showing her she's affecting you and can maybe influence your thinking or behavior- in a way, possibly egging her on. The best response is to not show any sign of upset. As the pp said "kill her with kindness." Additionally, if you can change your thinking and perception of her it will help you immensely! This is the hard part but when she says something about your dream dress, simply say "I'm sorry you can't be happy for me that I found my perfect dress." And then do that: feel sorry for her that she can't be enjoying this fun time with you. She could be enjoying her son's engagement and bonding with you but instead she is *choosing* to be upset and unhappy about it. How much would it hurt her to be happy for you? What would it cost for her to say, "Well, that's my style, but good for you!" The answer is *nothing*!! Instead of getting upset if you can control your reaction to feel sorry for her then it won't be so difficult and painful for you. Like I said, it's not easy (especially for me since I tend to quickly loose my temper with my dad and then it turns into a full scale argument) but if you can keep it in the back of your head when dealing with her then it will get easier. Of course, like pp said, it would be a good idea for your FI to talk with his mother, but my advice is on the assumption that he will/already has and your FMIL is still acting or will still act the same way, especially if people tell you "that's just how she is." Additionally, that comment makes me think you may have more confrontations with her in your married life, so best to learn how to handle it now. Best of luck and enjoy *YOUR* wedding!!

mmort06

Thank you guys for your advice. I had a talk with FI last night and he said that he will talk to her today or tomorrow. I just was afraid that would make her more mad, you know like poking a dragon with a stick.  I am very grateful for what they are contributing for us and I know that it will come with some criticism, but im talking about the outright rudeness is what gets me. Hopefully FI's talk with her will do something and not make things worse. Thanks for listening!Oh and to the poster that asked- We are walking down the aisle to a piano acoustic version of Heroine (punk rock princess.)

suz0989

Good for you on having your FI talk to her.  I hate confrontations too, but if you don't stick up for yourself now, she may continue to put you down not only through the wedding but when you have kids!  Just think how awful it would be if she talked about how she thinks your parenting style is wrong?  If after your FI talks to her and she is still being rude, do what the other girls said.  Sit her down and talk to her.  Let her know she is being hurtful.  If she still calls you out in front of people bring it right back to her and say "why would you say that?  That was very hurftul."  Don't be rude, but if you say something like that, it may make her realize what she is saying is mean and make her shut up!  Good luck.

BrennaGwyn

After your FI talks to her, I would suggest that she only be included in the more traditional things that you guys are doing at the wedding. Maybe have her throw you a bridal shower entirely the way that she wants it (You could always throw one later that is more in keeping with your own tastes). Plus maybe that will keep her extremely busy while also letting her know that you trust her and feel that her feelings count. I think that Mother's of little boys have a harder time with weddings than girls do. I think it's because generally their little boys tend to spend more time with their wives' families and so the Mom feels they lose a son rather than gaining a daughter. I've always been one of those people that doesn't like to rock the boat, so I would just not talk to her about some of the things that are not totally traditional. (I'm sure you have some traditional things she can be a part of) I do want to say that I think your ideas are TOTALLY fantastic and I can't wait to see your pictures!