Bridesmaids Situation...I NEED ADVICE

Sakeissa

So I asked too mamny people to be in my wedding in fear that people would feel left out. Now I am realizing that 1. I have too many bridesmaids and 2. that I really am not that close to some of the ladies I asked. Also, one of them is really unreliable; I don't think she can live up to the financial obligation. How can I un-ask them to be in my bridal party? They will still be invited to the wedding just not in it.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sakeissa

10...wedding is July 7, 2012. No money or anything has been given ordered.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_bridesmaids-situationi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:58Discussion:b0e245be-b070-4475-a99d-1a03cf953b70Post:ca1af44b-eb76-44e7-ad45-9ac95736d22e">Bridesmaids Situation...I NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked too mamny people to be in my wedding in fear that people would feel left out. Now I am realizing that 1. I have too many bridesmaids and 2. that I really am not that close to some of the ladies I asked. Also, one of them is really unreliable;<strong> I don't think she can live up to the financial obligation. How can I un-ask them to be in my bridal party?</strong> They will still be invited to the wedding just not in it. HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Sakeissa[/QUOTE]

<div>You really can't without ending the friendship. It's really not a nice thing to do. Maybe if you guys are not close anymore, your friends you asked will remove themselves (not rude). I know how you feel because I was in a similar situation, but unless you are fine with ending the friendship and possibly looking like a B, then you just have to suck it up. =/ </div><div>
</div><div>As for the part about the finances, you really should consult each BM and ask her for her budget privately, then pick something all of the girls can afford. That is the courteous thing to do.Then if a BM does not get her dress by the date she needs to do so, then you can assume she is removing herself from the WP. Then you're off the hook. </div><div>
</div><div>For the record, your attendant sides do not need to be even with your FIs. It's ok if you have more than he does. A lot of brides nowadays have uneven sides. </div><div>
</div><div>GL! </div>

juandasmith

First questions . . . How many total are there currently? When is the wedding?

pokepoke27

Ditto em01092. You can't really un-ask people to be bridesmaids unless they do something like hit on your FI or kill someone (okay, that one is a bit of an exaggeration : p )

What financial obligations are you concerned about her meeting? Really the only things she is fully responsible for are buying the dress you choose and showing up on the day. Anything other than that is extra. Yes, bridesmaids are supposed to (and really should) put money towards your bridal shower/b-party and/or get you shower gifts. And it is nice if they can get their hair and nails done professionally and buy matching accessories and run around town in the days before the wedding trying to help you get everything taken care of, but all of that is extras that you can't count on happening. If this bridesmaid comes to you and says "I can't afford the dress!" then all you have to do is - in the nicest possible way - explain that you are stretched as it is trying to pay for the wedding and really can't afford to get the dress for her. Tell her that if she can't afford it, you totally understand and hope that she can still come to the wedding as a guest. 

Hope it all works out for you : )

carinaandrich

I think you should Un-invite her! Its your day!! you get ONE! one wedding, just be honest, whatever happened to honesty? be polite, be nice, but tell her why,, tell her that you got a little to excited and realize it's a big commitment and Id be willing to guess she wants out as well! I'm planning my fall wedding and the one thing I have decided is this is mine ( well ours) and if people get bent outta shape for whatever reasons involving MY wedding then oh well! and I give up on the wedding etiquette, sometimes you're going to hurt feelings sometimes it may be rude but if that's the way you want it, then it's the one day you get to be selfish, nice but selfish! 

the only one in my wedding is my daughter, AND  maybe my best friends got a little upset but they also realize their off the hook ( it is a responsibility and financial cost they may not want to incur... ) 

tell her, take her for starbucks and explain, honesty goes a long way!

good luck!

kimberlykh

I would suggest NOT "un-asking" your friends.  Remember why you asked them in the first place, there must have been something special in your friendship.  There really is no way to do this without coming across rude and selfish.  These ladies are planning on being in your wedding which isn't that far away.  Honor the request you've made of them, and enjoy your wedding.  GL!!

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_bridesmaids-situationi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:58Discussion:b0e245be-b070-4475-a99d-1a03cf953b70Post:c3e2ee2f-ffc4-43da-b44a-4b44264547d5">Re: Bridesmaids Situation...I NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should Un-invite her! Its your day!! you get ONE! one wedding, just be honest, whatever happened to honesty? be polite, be nice, but tell her why,, tell her that you got a little to excited and realize it's a big commitment and Id be willing to guess she wants out as well! I'm planning my fall wedding and the one thing I have decided is this is mine ( well ours) and if people get bent outta shape for whatever reasons involving MY wedding then oh well! and I give up on the wedding etiquette, sometimes you're going to hurt feelings sometimes it may be rude but if that's the way you want it, then it's the one day you get to be selfish, nice but selfish!  the only one in my wedding is my daughter, AND  maybe my best friends got a little upset but they also realize their off the hook ( it is a responsibility and financial cost they may not want to incur... )  tell her, take her for starbucks and explain, honesty goes a long way! good luck!
Posted by carinaandrich[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Please do not follow this advice. It's horribly rude. Remember that once you decide to include others in your wedding, it ceases to become purely "your day." Getting married doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. If you want to think of only yourselves, you should elope. </div><div>
</div><div>You ladies will ultimately do whatever the heck you want, but just know it may have some consequences. If you're fine with that, then by all means proceed. Best wishes. 

</div>

carinaandrich

I can totally understand why some (all) think this is bad advice to Un invite a bridesmaid but If you read her reasoning it seems that she ask someone that she isnt that close to, (it's not a close or best friend), so why is this so rude? yes she has decided to "share" her day but ultimately this day is for her and her man, if the woman she asked to be a bridesmaid was done in haste, isnt a close friend, isnt being reliable and cant really afford the financial responsibility of a bridesmaid , then I dont understand why the bride has such a strong responsibility to uphold her obligation and keep her.. In the end its causing a lot of stress and drama for a person(the bride) who is already overwhelmed  and with a bridesmaid who isnt really a close friend.. Im sticking to my advice, and like i said, this person may be relieved to be released, she's not a close friend and may be thinking, why did i even say yes? its worth a conversation and some honesty

Sakeissa

I guess if you guys knew my friends you would understand why. When I say i'm concerned about Financial obligations I mean paying for dress, shoes, contributing to bach. party, etc.

Anyhoo, I simply sent out a general text saying due to financial obligations and venue requirements (my fiance really wants a head table and orginally we had too many people to have that option) i had to downsize my bridal party.

Also, as Carinaa pointed out the ppl that I unasked, have not even asked how my wedding planning has been going, if i needed help, nor even called me to say lets hang out. I mean we are still cool and i consider them friends but if i had to choose closest friends, they would not make the cut.

But they were understanding and no bridges were burned; at least i dont think. They are still invited to my wedding and all prewedding activities.

Roxie2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_bridesmaids-situationi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:58Discussion:b0e245be-b070-4475-a99d-1a03cf953b70Post:0ea8cf6b-ae24-4507-b881-e79908a5684d">Re: Bridesmaids Situation...I NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess if you guys knew my friends you would understand why. When I say i'm concerned about <strong>Financial obligations I mean paying for dress, shoes, contributing to bach. party, etc. </strong>Anyhoo, I simply sent out a general text saying due to financial obligations and venue requirements (my fiance really wants a head table and orginally we had too many people to have that option) i had to downsize my bridal party. Also, as Carinaa pointed out the ppl that I unasked, have <strong>not even asked how my wedding planning has been going, if i needed help,</strong> nor even called me to say lets hang out. I mean we are still cool and i consider them friends but if i had to choose closest friends, they would not make the cut. But they were understanding and no bridges were burned; at least i dont think. They are still invited to my wedding and all prewedding activities.
Posted by Sakeissa[/QUOTE]

The first bolded part, they are only required to pay for their dress. If you require a certain shoe, its best if you pay for it. They are not required to contribute to anything else, unless of course they want to. However, if you kick them out, I'd be surprised that you have any friends left to offer to throw you any type of pre-wedding party...
The second bolded part is not a requirement to be a bridesmaid. You and your fiance plan the wedding. You asked people to be in the wedding party, you can not un-ask them. You say that no bridges have been burned, but honestly, if I was in one of your so-called friends shoes, I would never talk to you again.

carinaandrich

Seems it worked out well! Good luck , and enjoy ya'lls day!

Sakeissa

In my opinion paying for your own dress, shoes, etc are required. Secondly, your bridesmaids are supposed to help make sure your day goes smoothly. I didnt say they had to plan my wedding. I said they havent even checked on the progress or inquired about anything to say they are too concerned about it. SOme of yall are so soft, like we're grown. I unasked them and they are fine. I asked for advice so give your opinion but leave all the stank behind. If someone decides to never talk to me again then so be it; We all came in this world by ourselved no friends. My closest friends are still in my wedding party and MY wedding is going to be MY wedding how I want it and who I want to share it with.

nyc1210

[QUOTE]The second bolded part is not a requirement to be a bridesmaid. You and your fiance plan the wedding. You asked people to be in the wedding party, you can not un-ask them. You say that no bridges have been burned, but honestly, if I was in one of your so-called friends shoes, I would never talk to you again.
Posted by Roxie2012[/QUOTE]

It's not a requirement to ask how planning is going, but I would be upset if my bridesmaids showed no interest in the wedding. I don't think that they need to plan the wedding for a bride, but at least a, "Hey girl. How's the planning going?" would be acceptable.

Also, I don't know if it's just my area (NW GA) or what, but every wedding that I've been in has required the bridesmaids to buy their own shoes and dress.


Glad it worked out for you, Sakeissa!