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December 2009 Weddings

Question: FMIL and Rehearsal dinner

Ok ladies, I have been reading all of your crazy FMIL stories, and I don't know if this one will live up to them, but am am soooo frustrated right now, I could just....scream! lol I just want some honest opinions...Do I have a right to have input on my own rehearsal dinner? My Future in-laws are footing the bill, but my FMIL thinks that since they are paying for the whole thing, that I shouldn't have anything to say about who is invited. I have told her NICELY numerous times that we would like a smaller, more intimate affair...just for the people involved in the wedding (bridal party, grandparents, parents, etc.), and that will be at the rehearsal. You wouldn't think this would be too big of a deal....wrong. She is making excuses to add a lot of her friends and family that are not in any way involved in the rehearsal or wedding day besides being guests. She is making this a party for her instead of for us. She also wants to pick and choose out-of-towners to invite (who knows how many! And all from her side...) . We have a block of rooms reserved for our out-of-town guests at a hotel w/ a restaurant, bar, pool, etc...so I know they would be perfectly comfortable doing dinner there. I have told her that I do not want all these extras, and what I wanted was a smaller affair to thank the people involved in the wedding...not to have the whole world there! Every time I bring it up, she says she is "disappointed" that I have brought it up again, and in an email I just got, told me to "let it be."....she doesn't care one bit what I think! And now I just found out she is going Wednesday to finalize things with the restaurant...without even confirming a menu with me or asking my opinion! She just wants complete control over the whole thing! I am probably more upset about this because she has done alot of things in the wedding planning process to piss me off... Am I wrong to have an opinion???

Re: Question: FMIL and Rehearsal dinner

  • ohhh "she is making this a party for her instead of for us" - that in a nutshell was my bridal shower. She even served food I was allergic to. Honey I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Your aren't wrong to have an opinion. Honestly, since they are hosting it really is their choice. You have done your best voicing your opinion. It sounds like she doesn't care or it isn't sinking in. Unfortunately as much as it pains you and belive me I know its hard, you're gonna have to let her win this battle. Vent to your mom, your maids, and us, and its okay to let your fiance know shes driving you a little nuts cause he might be able to rein her in. For all other wedding aspects just say, oh thanks we have that covered. Or I'm not sure I will decide as we get closer if you don't feel like discussing it with her. That's helping me get through the wedding part. Hope this helps!
  • My FMIL went home from my shower on sat and literally cried to FI because I didn't spend enough time with her at my shower. Now I'm supposed to call her up and apologize. Unbelievable. Try not to let it get to you, that's my stragedy!
  • I'm really sorry she's acting like that. I agree with pp thought that the best thing to do is just let her have this one. As long as she isn't being like this for the actual wedding day stuff, then it will probably make things easier if she can just have this. Is there any way you can at least have the tables arranged so you can have your friends and family close to you and your FI and then put the other people she's inviting at the other end grouped together? I know I'd be pissed off about this too, but don't let her ruin what should be an amazing time in your life. Good luck with this.
  • I may be the minority in my opinion... but I do think this is very wrong. And I would not just sit around and do nothing about it... or just "let it be".Now, since they are wanting to host the event they do get A LOT of say in it. But IMO they should NOT disregard your opinion. Things I would not stress about are the location of the event & the size of the event. But I would be PISSED if I did not have a say in who was going to be there. That is completely inappropriate.I never understand why parents act this way. The "best" way I've heard someone deal with a similar situation is this...."Mom, if I were to throw you an anniversary party... let's say your 25th or even your 50th.... would you want the entire party filled with MY friends, at a place only I like, with food that only I got to pick just because I'm paying for it."hahaha. I loved that. Or I see your only other option as you and your FI footing the bill and then explain to your FIL's that although you appreciate their offer to host the event, you and your FI would just feel better about paying for it yourself. This way you can plan the event the way you want it and not continue to have to stress over this.GL with all this. Let us know how it turns out
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  • Wow you and I have almost identical situations. It's pissed me off too. I feel like my FMIL in trying to out-do our actual reception (the RD is at a fancier country club than the reception, is formal attire, will have floral centerpieces, a head table, program, guest book, specialty linens, 50+guests, and now she wants a DJ and dancing). We wanted a small casual get together. Now I'm hearing from FSIL that she thinks I'm being a brat because I don't appreciate any of this. Well I'm sorry I don't appreciate her disregarding our wishes and upstaging our more modest reception. Ugh, not looking forward to her control freak ways during our married life either.
  • On one hand you have soooo many other things to take care of so part of me would just let her do it her way- it's one less thing to worry about.  But honestly I would say "Thanks but no thanks.  We'll take care of it."
  • I'm so sorry that you have this added stress!  How does your FI feel about all of this? Would he be able to talk to your FMIL?
    BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • There is a very simple solution: Thank her for her offer, politely decline and host your own rehearsal dinner. The moment you accept money from other people, you do give up some of the control.That said, even if she is paying, I do think the rules should be applied fairly to the guest list. Invite all of the OOTers or none, not a select few. They're bound to talk, and when one finds out another was invited to the RD and they weren't, it's going to cause hurt feelings, problems, etc. It sounds to me like you're not going to be able to reason with her, and may need to host it yourselves. (Although my guess is that she may come around when she realizes that's how important it is to you.)
  • Thanks so much ladies for your advice! It helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Turns out, after arguing time and time again, my FMIL is "apathetic" about the situation and is going to use my guest list. She said she's through being excited about it anymore and is "out". I'm just sick of her being dramatic because I would prefer it that she didn't invite all of her friends. Oh well. But she's not going down without making me look and feel like the bad guy, thats for sure....looks like I'm finally going to get it the way I want it....but I just hope she doesn't make the party miserable now. :P
  • goodme02-Yaay! She backed down-good for you for sticking to your guns! As someone who also has a dramatic (and crazy) FMIL, I've learned that it is better to stand up to her rather than just let her have her way b/c it sets a precendent for the future.
    BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
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