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January 2010 Weddings

Am I overreacting? (long)

So FI's little brother (just turned 21 last week) is getting engaged tomorrow.  After high school he became super religious (they were not raised very religious) and admits he just doesn't want to wait to have sex. He asked us if it was okay with us if they get married a month or so before us.We both said we would appreciate them waiting because the month or so before our wedding is going to be crazy. Almost all our guests are OOT, we have to meet with all our vendors, etc. It would be hard to be a part of their wedding and help with their planning while getting ready for ours. Plus it would be hard on the family traveling from out of the country to come twice in such a short period.FI's family is very small. FBIL and his almost FI live within an hour of FI and their dad. Yet we only briefly met this girl at our engagement party so we expressed to FI's brother that it would mean a lot to us to get to know her before the engagement.  Well, they've cancelled several times including calling 10 minutes after the brother's bday party began at our place saying she had cramps so neither could come.I don't know if I am overreacting or being bridezillaish, but I am feeling grumpy about going to their engagement thing tomorrow. I know it is not my place to have an opinion, but I don't understand why they both don't just finish school, get jobs, and then worry about getting married and starting a family. Sigh.  Am I being ridiculous? I think I am just taking it really personally that she doesn't want to make the effort to get to know us.Advice?

Re: Am I overreacting? (long)

  • i hear ya. my baby sister got engaged 2 months after us, and she is 7 yrs younger and still in college. i was cranky about it for awhile, but it's subsided. basically...there isn't anything you can do about it, so there isn't much point in being upset. whether you know her or not doesn't really change anything either. i understand you want to know the person your brother is going to marry, but ultimately, what difference does it make? he knows her, and that is all that matters. if the parents aren't unhappy about the pending engagement, that is what really is important. i know how it feels to feel like your thunder is being stolen, especially for reasons of wanting to have sex, but it will pass. my sister and her FI are getting married 10 mos after us, it was supposed to be much later than that, but they settled on october 2010. you will have plenty of time to get to know your FSIL, so focus on that. as for their reasons to want to get married-can't do anything about that either. i don't agree with it, but....that is their cross to bear and to deal with. good luck.
  • Thanks ladies. That helps!! I am slowly learning that weddings / life are all about sucking it up and smiling!!
  • it'll be ok, i promise! just focus on your wedding and don't let anything get you down. all eyes will be on you when it's your turn to walk down the aisle!
  • I went to high school with a fairly religious girl who got married a year or so after graduation because, in part, she and her now husband didn't want to wait to have sex and they were planning on getting married anyway someday. They're still happily together with educations and jobs. But if they wanted to have their wedding a month before yours, that would make me upset. If they're going to wait until then, why not wait and extra two months and have it after yours? That seems like the polite, not thunder-stealing way for them to do it. Did they agree to put it off a bit?
  • FI and his bro are still in discussion I think. I gave up cause I was getting emotional and I didn't want to say anything I'd regret!!
  • That does suck, if she wants to be apart of the family she should try to get to know the whole family. However,  I think you're being a bit dramatic. Why should she wait just because you'll be busy? You get one day, not a month just cause of vendors, etc. Sorry if I sound harsh...
  • I can handle harsh :-)  I guess I just feel like since FI will be best man and need to help out a lot he should be thinking about marrying me in the weeks prior and getting ready for our wedding not focused on his baby bro's.  Selfish? Probably. Just being honest!Plus with a 3 month engagement it sounds like the planning will be rushed and stressful regardless of my wedding being right after.
  • I'm glad I didn't upset you, I just had to say it. BUT I do think this almost FI is a little crazy, and just wants to upstage so you're feeling are understandable. Plus the guy would basically be asking your FI to choose between you and him, so not cool. AND it's your wedding. If you're not concerned/selfish, who will be?
  • hehe I agree completely!! Believe me, if I had posted on another board I would have gotten way harsher. My local girls can be brutal!!
  • I think the question should not be is it inconvenient for you, but are they really ready and mature enough for marriage just because they want to have sex. Yes, sex is important, but it's not a 100% reason to make a lifetime commitment. Maybe you could suggest that they take an engaged persons retreat to evaluate and reflect on their relationship. I'll be honest, FI and I waited 3 1/2 years, we were each other's first. We intended to wait, and decided that when we were doing everything EXCEPT intercourse, and we loved each other, we decided to have sex. I'm glad we're getting married! However, our relationship had a lot of growing to do, both before and after we decided to have sex. They might be in for a rude awakening post-Honeymoon if they rush into this. Especially still being in school, not having jobs... Good luck! All you can do really is plan your wedding and enjoy your day when it comes! And I'm sure your FI will be fine, I really don't think best man duties are all that time consuming.
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