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3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!

ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
First Anniversary First Comment
in July 2012 Weddings
We've been together a little over 6 years now and I'm not sure if this is just cold feet or if I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life. Don't get me wrong I love my fiance and I have a hard time imagining myself actually breaking up with him. I don't ever want to break his heart. That being said, I feel like I'm a cheater waiting to happen!

This is something that I've been finally able to admit to myself. I've been doing some soul searching the past week and I have this strong urge to go see what else is out there. I've been in contact with some past heart throbs and it's made this feeling even worse.

The only real relationship I've had and the only person I've been with intimately is FI. I thought I was OK with this. It's been my intention my whole life to only be with the one person that I marry (I wanted to wait until I was married but that didn't pan out lol). I'm kind of regretting this decision now... Or maybe I just think I am?

I keep reading articles on the internet about deal breakers and red flags but there are so many opposing opinions. Once I get calmed down by reading one article I read another and it freaks me out again. I will have to admit there are some red flags but they make me feel superficial.

Take for example

I make more money than FI but my idea of a husband is one that takes care of me and is superior in that way. FI has always wanted to be that way but he won't take initiative even if I push.

I don't think he's ugly but I certainly don't find him as attractive as I did originally and even in the beginning I wasn't like OMG he's so hot. I also just started to realize that I am not bad looking. I never had the opportunity to date with good self esteem...

Sometimes I feel like we both don't care what eachothers saying.

There are more but then after thinking about the bad things I think things like

He takes me for who I am and puts up with my crap.

I love him.

I can see our future together with children

I want to stay, but I also want to leave. I would feel awful breaking his heart though. Especially since he'll be turning 29 this year and I feel like I'll have wasted his 20's to find the right person for him to start a family. He so wants a family. He'll be a really good dad. I just don't know if my thoughts are normal or abnormal. I'm scared. Maybe it's just I'm freaking about giving up my singledom permanently because I don't believe in divorce. But then, will I be short changing myself?

EDIT - Also, what if it's the biggest mistake of my life to leave him? What if I lose the best thing that's ever happened to me?
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Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!

  • littlemoments324littlemoments324 member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    I think it is normal to feel a little like that, but if you know you know...I know at one point I was like, I really don't want to be with FI anymore...I want to play the field and date now that I'm more confident in myself....Kind of like how you have too...but I then as soon as I thought about even backing out, my stomach sunk and I instantly started to cry just even thinking about it...(this thought was a few days after our first huge fight, even after we worked things out and we were completely good!)  I know that  FI is the one who is meant for me and me for him!  I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else but him.  He makes me smile, laugh, he puts up with my crap, he'll be an awesome dad and I know he is there for me whenever I need him.  He is not only a lover but also my best friend.  He puts voice into reason, especially when I'm being irrational about something. I found this on Pinterest last night and for FI & I it makes complete sense:



    This is FI & I all the way...we bicker like my grandparents, we talk like best friends, about anything and everything, we always flirt (he grabs my butt & I give him pecks on the cheek randomly), we keep it romantic (yeah sometimes we forget to, but we always come back to where we left off...), and we get ticked off if someone tries to do wrong to us.....
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  • MaggieahaMaggieaha
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    I think I have had all of those exact thoughts at some point, but it boils down to the bigger picture. Love is more than fleeting emotions. It's about remaining committed to one another when it's not easy. I'm not saying you should do one thing or another, but really search your heart before you make your final decision. I think it's better to only waste 10 years of your fiance's life than his entire life if you really don't want to be with him...I dunno.
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  • colleenm18colleenm18 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    In my opinion.. Getting married when you are not ready is the worst possible thing you can do.  And you cant just getting because you feel bad.

    I am a firm believer in playing the field.. But that is just my opinion and many people disagree and have head successful relationships without doing that.  But if you feel this strongly about this maybe you should go talk to a therapist about some of the issues you are having and then maybe after a few session you can include FI to make sure this is what you want.

    Good luck
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  • LADY324LADY324
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:b46e4660-5d60-4c4c-ab6e-ab1a017da689">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In my opinion.. Getting married when you are not ready is the worst possible thing you can do.  And you cant just getting because you feel bad. I am a firm believer in playing the field.. But that is just my opinion and many people disagree and have head successful relationships without doing that.  But if you feel this strongly about this maybe you should go talk to a therapist about some of the issues you are having and then maybe after a few session you can include FI to make sure this is what you want. Good luck
    Posted by colleenm18[/QUOTE]

    I agree with Colleen.  I started to date my FI when I was 19 we dated for 3 years I broke up with him when I was 21.  He was the first guy I had ever slept with he was my first love my first everything.  At 21 he started to talk about getting married and owning a house.  It freaked me out I was thinking in my head while he was saying these things.  Girl you need to date around, travel, live with a friend for a year since I never went away to college.  So I broke up with him after 3 years.  I traveled the world literally Australia, Greece went all over the US dated some guys 1 serious who I fell in love with.  He was the super hot boyfriend, he was blonde hair blues eyes had a 6-pack.  But guess what he made me feel like crap about myself for a whole year I lost so much weight got down to a size 4 b/c I felt that I had to be skinny for him.  I am a normal size 10 that was so skinny for me.  We broke up after a year of dating. 

    Then at 26 I had a shore house with my girlfriends at the Jersey shore a block away from my FI.  We got back together at 26 and now we are getting married.  I just needed those 5 years to grow up date, graduate college, get my first job, live with a friend and just to be young and live life.  If we would have stayed together at 19 and never broken up we probably would be divorced by now.  I needed that time to myself and now we are back together at the right time in our lives.  I love him more than anything in the world.  I think my FI is adorable but is he super hot drop dead gorgeous no.  But he treats me like a queen and I love him.  I can be myself around him.  He is my bestfriend that I can tell anything to and I can't picture my life without him. 
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:2c6ffd86-07c6-4527-b729-dea0b7955ea2">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it is normal to feel a little like that, but if you know you know...I know at one point I was like, I really don't want to be with FI anymore...I want to play the field and date now that I'm more confident in myself....Kind of like how you have too...<strong>but I then as soon as I thought about even backing out, my stomach sunk and I instantly started to cry just even thinking about it...(</strong>this thought was a few days after our first huge fight, even after we worked things out and we were completely good!)  I know that  FI is the one who is meant for me and me for him!  I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else but him.  He makes me smile, laugh, he puts up with my crap, he'll be an awesome dad and I know he is there for me whenever I need him.  He is not only a lover but also my best friend.  He puts voice into reason, especially when I'm being irrational about something. I found this on Pinterest last night and for FI & I it makes complete sense: This is FI & I all the way...we bicker like my grandparents, we talk like best friends, about anything and everything, we always flirt (he grabs my butt & I give him pecks on the cheek randomly), we keep it romantic (yeah sometimes we forget to, but we always come back to where we left off...), and we get ticked off if someone tries to do wrong to us.....
    Posted by littlemoments324[/QUOTE]

    I get a gut wrenching and crying response as well. I woke up the other day after tossing and turning and dreaming about leaving him with a tight chest that didn't go away until that afternoon. With all the thoughts in my head this time around I couldn't figure out if it was because of the other guys that I can imagine dating or if it was because of the thought of making the biggest mistake by staying or by making the biggest mistake by leaving. I also way overthink things and I feel like I always make the wrong decision...
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  • bridetobe71412bridetobe71412
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:026e4569-6399-492b-979d-f7b55f17f892">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE] He is my bestfriend that I can tell anything to and I can't picture my life without him. 
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    Me too. Full stop.

    If you're having these feelings and you SERIOUSLY are considering leaving, talk with someone like a therapist, etc. about it. You do not want to just go through with the wedding just because you feel like you "have to" because you've "spent money" or because you're worried what people will say/think. Marriage is a huge effing deal.
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:026e4569-6399-492b-979d-f7b55f17f892">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused! : I agree with Colleen.  <strong>I started to date my FI when I was 19 we dated for 3 years I broke up with him when I was 21.</strong>  He was the first guy I had ever slept with he was my first love my first everything.  At 21 he started to talk about getting married and owning a house.  It freaked me out I was thinking in my head while he was saying these things.  <strong>Girl you need to date around, travel, live with a friend for a year since I never went away to college. </strong>So I broke up with him after 3 years.  I traveled the world literally Australia, Greece went all over the US dated some guys 1 serious who I fell in love with.  He was the super hot boyfriend, he was blonde hair blues eyes had a 6-pack.  But guess what he made me feel like crap about myself for a whole year I lost so much weight got down to a size 4 b/c I felt that I had to be skinny for him.  I am a normal size 10 that was so skinny for me.  We broke up after a year of dating.  Then at 26 I had a shore house with my girlfriends at the Jersey shore a block away from my FI.  We got back together at 26 and now we are getting married.  I just needed those 5 years to grow up date, graduate college, get my first job, live with a friend and just to be young and live life.  If we would have stayed together at 19 and never broken up we probably would be divorced by now.  I needed that time to myself and now we are back together at the right time in our lives.  I love him more than anything in the world.  I think my FI is adorable but is he super hot drop dead gorgeous no.  But he treats me like a queen and I love him.  I can be myself around him.  He is my bestfriend that I can tell anything to and I can't picture my life without him. 
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    I started dating FI at 20 and was ready to get married to him at 22 but he wasn't. Looking back I wish something like what happened between the two of you had happened to us. As hard as that is to admit... Thinking about this makes me sick to my stomach. I've dropped a few pounds this week because I can't eat. I know I need to talk to FI and see what he's thinking but I'm trying to get everything straightened out in my head before I jump into that.
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  • colleenm18colleenm18 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:026e4569-6399-492b-979d-f7b55f17f892">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused! : I agree with Colleen.  I started to date my FI when I was 19 we dated for 3 years I broke up with him when I was 21.  He was the first guy I had ever slept with he was my first love my first everything.  At 21 he started to talk about getting married and owning a house.  It freaked me out I was thinking in my head while he was saying these things.  Girl you need to date around, travel, live with a friend for a year since I never went away to college.  So I broke up with him after 3 years.  I traveled the world literally Australia, Greece went all over the US dated some guys 1 serious who I fell in love with.  He was the super hot boyfriend, he was blonde hair blues eyes had a 6-pack.  But guess what he made me feel like crap about myself for a whole year I lost so much weight got down to a size 4 b/c I felt that I had to be skinny for him.  I am a normal size 10 that was so skinny for me.  We broke up after a year of dating.  Then at 26 I had a shore house with my girlfriends at the Jersey shore a block away from my FI.  We got back together at 26 and now we are getting married.  I just needed those 5 years to grow up date, graduate college, get my first job, live with a friend and just to be young and live life.  If we would have stayed together at 19 and never broken up we probably would be divorced by now.  I needed that time to myself and now we are back together at the right time in our lives.  I love him more than anything in the world.  I think my FI is adorable but is he super hot drop dead gorgeous no.  But he treats me like a queen and I love him.  I can be myself around him.  He is my bestfriend that I can tell anything to and I can't picture my life without him. 
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    FI and basicly has this exact same thing happen.. we started dating at 16 and broke up when he turned 21 (he is a year older then me) and stayed broken up for about 3 years.  I met someone else a few years later but it just wasnt right and he did the same.  But we both needed that time to do what we wanted to do.

    I have never once thought.. OMG i should be doing this I may want to be with someone else now - since FI and I have been back together and honestly I do not believe that is a natural feeling... I actually think that is your gut and your heart telling you what you need.
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2012
    and thanks for the therapist idea guys. That's been teetering in my head as well.
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  • butterflyjumper1butterflyjumper1
    First Comment
    fiance and I started dating when we were....let's see, 19 and 20 I guess. We got super serious, super fast, freaked each other out, and broke up for a few months. We both went out a lot and were kind of crazy (I did a few slutty things that I now regret...fiance said he was still in love with me the whole time) but realized after a few months apart that we couldn't live without each other.  I think it was a good thing that this happened to us, because we might not have realized how much we loved each other if we hadn't spent some time apart. 

    I think feelings of nervousnes are normal.  The idea of being with the same person for the next 50+ years can be a little overwhelming!  But if the idea really truly terrifies you, and you are worried that you are making the wrong decision, you absolutely need to talk to a counselor or a therapist.  I am worried that if you bring this up to your fiance, our of the blue, he is going to be really offended and freak out on you.  You don't want him to end up leaving you based on some fleeting thoughts you might be having. 

    While nervousness is normal, I don't think actually wanting to be with someone else is at all. That is what makes me think that, perhaps, your thoughts aren't fleeting, but an actual concern.

    I had a dream last week that I had slept with a weird acquaintance that I know from yoga. I woke up crying and immediately confessed to my fiance that i had cheated on him in my dream.  Even being with someone else in a dream made me feel absolutely miserable!! So I am worried that you are wanting to be with other people before you are even married.
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:dda1584d-dbcb-49b9-aef7-ebdf844ad708">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]fiance and I started dating when we were....let's see, 19 and 20 I guess. We got super serious, super fast, freaked each other out, and broke up for a few months. We both went out a lot and were kind of crazy (I did a few slutty things that I now regret...fiance said he was still in love with me the whole time) but realized after a few months apart that we couldn't live without each other.  I think it was a good thing that this happened to us, because we might not have realized how much we loved each other if we hadn't spent some time apart.  I think feelings of nervousnes are normal.  The idea of being with the same person for the next 50+ years can be a little overwhelming!  But if the idea really truly terrifies you, and you are worried that you are making the wrong decision, you absolutely need to talk to a counselor or a therapist.  <strong>I am worried that if you bring this up to your fiance, our of the blue, he is going to be really offended and freak out on you.  You don't want him to end up leaving you based on some fleeting thoughts you might be having.  </strong>While nervousness is normal, I don't think actually wanting to be with someone else is at all. That is what makes me think that, perhaps, your thoughts aren't fleeting, but an actual concern. I had a dream last week that I had slept with a weird acquaintance that I know from yoga. <strong>I woke up crying and immediately confessed to my fiance that i had cheated on him in my dream.  Even being with someone else in a dream made me feel absolutely miserable!! </strong>So I am worried that you are wanting to be with other people before you are even married.
    Posted by butterflyjumper1[/QUOTE]

    For the first part - I'm a little concerned about this as well but I almost feel as though if he were to freak out about me trying to be honest with him then maybe it would confirm my fears. And if he didn't and tried to console me or offer up his own concerns that it might help us work through this... I don't know though.

    The second part - Usually, when I have dreams about other men I get the same feeling and I feel like I actually cheated on FI. The part that worries me is that I don't tell him, I keep it a secret because I feel like I did something wrong... (the keeping it a secret part I think stems from my childhood. I couldn't ever do anything right and I was always in trouble for even the smallest things. I'm always afraid I'm going to get in trouble.) This week, I had a dream about another man. One in particular that I came into contact with again and I didn't have that miserable feeling when I woke up.
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  • littlemoments324littlemoments324 member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    hmm...I really think that you need to go see a therapist and and them help you work through your feelings...
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  • MeaganR12MeaganR12
    First Comment
    I agree with some PPs that this sounds like more than cold feet. I would talk to a therapist or friend, anyone really. I wouldn't bring it up to your FI until you're sure about your decision though. If my FI randomly told me he was thinking about leaving/breaking up it would completely break me.
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:ce9cfd1d-c416-439c-af0f-56b2121719f2">Re:3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with some PPs that this sounds like more than cold feet. I would talk to a therapist or friend, anyone really. I wouldn't bring it up to your FI until you're sure about your decision though. <strong>If my FI randomly told me he was thinking about leaving/breaking up it would completely break me.
    </strong>Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]

    I don't think I would pose it in a way that I was thinking about leaving though. I thought I would lay it on him like these are some of the emotions I'm feeling now and this is how it makes me feel. How does it make you feel and you do you have any concerns etc... I don't know...
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I was talking with my cousin who broke up with her fiance a few years ago yesterday. She tried to give me points from both sides and she was helpful by not trying to tell me to do one thing over the other. She suggested I talk to my other cousin who married a guy she knew she didn't want to marry and then divorced less than a year after.

    I spoke to that cousin today and it was really hard. I wanted to have a talk with FI tonight but I am barely able to hold back tears just thinking about it. I need to sleep on it and I'm going to seek a counselor tomorrow. I'm just really confused because we don't have bad fights and we don't cheat or do the things that people usually break up for. It's strange...
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  • BeachLover2885BeachLover2885 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Joining in a little late, but I think you need to do what makes you happy and not worry about how others feel. I don't think you should feel obligated to marry your FI bc he spent the majority of his 20s with you or bc he wants a family. If the roles were reversed, would you want someone to marry you for those reasons? Probably not. I really believe everything happens for a reason, and that everything will eventually work itself out, especially with love. PP gave some great advice already about talking to someone, knowing your FI is the one etc. Is it possible for you to get away for a weekend without your FI to see how things go being on your own? Maybe you would be able to sort out your feelings without seeing him, and you may realize you never want to spend a day without him or that you can live without him. FWIW, I think certain things you mentioned sound like cold feet, but the fact that you've felt sick to your stomach for a week makes me think otherwise. Also, know that you are not a bad person for following your heart. 3 hope this helps!
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  • BeachLover2885BeachLover2885 member
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    The 3 was supposed to be heart! Stupid phone...
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  • LADY324LADY324
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I agree I wouldn't bring it up to your FI before really sorting out your feelings.  If my FI came to me the feelings that you described I would leave.  I wouldn't throw all of your feelings out at him and then see how he feels.  I am sure he will feel like crap and it kind of seems like you might want him to make the call for you so you don't feel as bad.  I can be totally wrong but also the fact that you have already been in touch with some past heart throbs as you say is not fair to your FI.  It already sounds like you are doing things behind his back by getting in touch with these ex's. 

    Good Luck with everything.
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  • ILoveToRobotILoveToRobot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_3-months-to-go-and-im-freaking-out-im-so-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:86caab8b-10f7-47c3-bdd7-3b8cc4e2a9c6Post:d7dff99b-b86f-42dd-ae08-56bf965de69b">Re: 3 months to go and I'm freaking out! I'm so confused!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree I wouldn't bring it up to your FI before really sorting out your feelings.  If my FI came to me the feelings that you described I would leave.  I wouldn't throw all of your feelings out at him and then see how he feels.  I am sure he will feel like crap and<strong> it kind of seems like you might want him to make the call for you so you don't feel as bad.</strong>  I can be totally wrong but also the fact that you have already been in touch with some past heart throbs as you say is not fair to your FI.  It <strong>already sounds like you are doing things behind his back by getting in touch with these ex's.</strong>  Good Luck with everything.
    Posted by LADY324[/QUOTE]

    You nailed it. I feel like I'm cheating even though I'm not. I guess that's just as bad.
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