October 2010 Weddings

Am I overreacting?

As I've said before, my FI was married 10 years ago and widowed almost a year later.
Her father (his former FIL) is a groomsmen in the wedding, which I was fine with.

We are only serving beer & wine at the wedding. Tonight, out of the blue, FI says he wants to some hard liquor for his FoFIL, since he doesn't drink beer or wine. It would be behind the bar, but only available to him.

I don't like this idea. At all. I feel like he is playing favorites, and on a subject that I am very sensitive about. Almost like he is the most important guest there, which makes me think of his former wife. It just makes me really uncomfortable.
Like, if one my guests only drank Coke Zero, I wouldn't go out and get a 2-liter bottle just for them.

Am I overreacting here? Should I just let it go?
I have less than 2 weeks left, and then I get my sanity back. So I don't know what's valid to be upset about anymore! :o/

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Re: Am I overreacting?

  • Are you serving anything non-alcoholic?  Soft drinks, tea, any of that?  If so, then I think that it is silly to cater to one individual guest.  I also think it is a little late in the game for him to be requesting this of you. However, I wonder if this man is still like a dad to your FI.  Because if it was my dad who didn't drink beer or wine, then I'd want to be considerate and make sure there was something there he'd enjoy.  So while I agree completely with your perspective, at the end of the day, does it really matter?  Next year will you still be upset that he had liquor there for him, or will it have been forgotten?
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  • I would probably just let it go. I mean, FI is close enough with his former FIL to ask him to be a groomsman, and the other angle is that former FIL is nice enough to support his former SIL by being a groomsman in his wedding to a new lady! I think that's really sweet actually, and if your FI wants to show his appreciation by leaving a little something behind the bar for former FIL? Meh. I say let it go.
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  • Yes, there will be soda, water and coffee.

    I probably should let it go. I just know I'm upset and I can't put into words why I am...
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  • Maybe you feel like his former wife is making her presence known on a day that's supposed to be about you and FI together, not FI and his former wife? I think that's totally understandable to feel that way. If that's the case, maybe it would be helpful to try to remind yourself that FI wants to marry you for a reason, but that he can't erase his past or the people that came into his life because of it. 
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  • although i totally get why you are upset, i think you should let it slide. i honestly think your FI still thinks of him as a father, which is understandable. its just getting down to the nitty gritty and a lot of us are on edge. like a pp said, is this something that would bother you long term? if not, then i wouldn't worry about it.  i would however tell your FI that it bothers you a little bit, without attacking him. you would probably feel better getting your feelings out in the open.
  • Unlike everyone else, I wouldn't let it go.  (Big shock, eh?) 

    Of course, I wouldn't have been ok with her Father even being in the wedding party, but that's a whole other issue. ;)

    I think you're right - it's playing favourites and I don't see it as being considerate to one person, I see it as being INconsiderate to everyone else.  This isn't due to an allergy, it's not because of a disease, and it's not an exception that is offered to anyone else.

    Alcohol is not a necessity and, quite frankly, there's always the chance this wedding may have a huge impact on his former FIL (bringing up old feeings of his daughter/her wedding) and some people react to that by drinking to excess.  Sure, a person CAN get plenty drunk on beer or wine, but if he's not a beer or wine drinking, the odds are much lower that it'll happen.

    To top off my reasons - *I* am not a wine drinker, but I'm not stashing a bottle of Jack or vodka at the head table for myself and telling the other guests that they can just suck it up and deal because I'm the bride.  It would be rude.
    10-10-10
  • I would let it go, You've already decided to have him in your wedding, and really I wouldn't want my FI to have ill feelings towards me for making a big deal out of nothing.

    It's just a drink, let him have it and be done with it. Cross it off your list of things to be concerned with.
  • Yeah, that would be sort of weird.  I don't drink beer or wine, but I would never expect someone to have something specially for me at their wedding.  I would think that was very very strange.  If he needs to drink that badly, he can choke down a beer, I'm sure.
  • I wouldn't be very comfortable with any of this but perhaps you can get your FI to buy the old FIL a personalized flask and put whatever his favorite hard liquor is.  That way it's not at the bar and really, how much does the guy need to drink?  If he has to drink to escape the day then he shouldn't be there in the first place.
  • Honestly, I wouldn't let it go. I'd point out that you've already allowed his former FIL in the wedding party, and from what I've read before you live in the house he bought with his ex. I think it's getting to be a little too much...(or at least it would be for me). I'd say draw the line at personally catering to the FoFIL's drinking habits. It's not only rude to you, but think of all of your other guests....I'd be pissed if I had to drink wine and this guy gets a special bottle of booze just for him.


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  • I am going to go with Melissa as well on this one. Even though he is part of the wedding party it seems silly to cater to one guest. I think I understand where you are coming from as well. I would feel like maybe your FI late wife has more of presence than she should on your wedding day and it would upset me as well.  Try to remember that the day is just about you too, and his past is his past, but you are his future :-) 
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  • edited September 2010

    I would seriously have a problem with a lot of what is going on.  I can't pretend to know what it is like to be widowed, so take that into consideration when reading this.  He was only married for one year, right?  And that was ten years ago?  People grieve at all different paces, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But if your FI really wants to move on and start a new life with you, I (as a random outsider) would want him to leave the past in the past.  And it seems from some of your posts, that he is not ready to completely move on.  I feel horrible even saying that, 2 weeks before your wedding, so I am sorry.  I just imagined how I would feel in that situation and it felt really icky. :-( 

    I admittedly have a jealous streak in me, but I didn't even like the fact that when  I    first started dating FI, he still had pictures of his and his ex's dog (that she got in the breakup) on his facebook.  Not that I was jealous of a friggin dog... but I was jealous of what that dog represented... a life that did not include me.  I sure as HECK would never allow that dog to be at our wedding.  (I realize I just compared your FI's FoFIL to a dog, and that was not my intention!)  Does that make sense?  And how does your dad feel about the former FIL being in the wedding? 

    I will be praying for you in whatever happens. But if you are okay with going forward and having FoFIL in the wedding or even as a guest, he can bring a flask or go a few hours without drinking if he really can't drink beer or wine.  He will be okay, I promise.  I LOVE Diet Coke with Vanilla from Sonic.  And even as the bride, I am probably going to have to last through the wedding and reception without one.  Life will go on. I think. ;-)

    For real though, good luck, this is not an easy situation any way you look at it!!!

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  • I think you should let it go ..The man lost his daughter and when he sees you walk down the asile he will remember another time..Just remenber he loves you and only you..
  • I would put my foot down on this. I know it's going to be a really difficult day for his former father-in-law, but, well, if he can't handle it, then he should have turned down being a groomsman.  Harsh, I know, but really.  I don't think the guy expects any sort of special treatement, and this is one line I would absolutely draw in the sand. Either everyone gets to have alcohol or no one does. You do not want to put anyone - yourself, your fiance, the bartender, or even the former FIL- in an uncomfortable position because one person is getting special treatment.
    I'm really sorry you're struggling with this.
    Erica & Alan
    October 1, 2010

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  • In Response to Re: Am I overreacting?:
    I think I'm going with Melissa on this one. I don't see it as playing favorites with the FoFIL, but NOT having the same consideration for the rest of your guests. If I didn't drink beer or wine and was at a wedding where only they were offered, I would get really annoyed if I saw one guests with a vodka tonic. I would then probably ask the bartender, "Hey, that guy got a vodka tonic. I want one." The bartender would then reply, "Sorry, only for him." That would seriously piss me off. What, I'm not good enough for a vodka tonic but he is? I would try to explain it to your FI that way. Make it clear that you are sending the message to the rest of your guests that they aren't as important and maybe he'll give. If not, well, I still think it's the wrong thing to do.
    Posted by cfaszews25
    This. 
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  • I agree with Melissa and cfaszews25
    If I saw someone walking around with a rum and coke...I'd be like "WHERE THE FUNK IS MINE?!?!?!"

    It's not really fair to play favorites like that. But the flask idea was a good one. That may be more appropriate.
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  • coppcw08coppcw08
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    edited October 2010

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