A MIL question

SoireeFemme

My son recently got engaged. 

My question.. the parents of the groom are the hosts of the rehearsal dinner.. as a bride, what other things would you be expecting of the groom's family regarding the wedding. 

How much input are you hoping for from your future MIL? Yes..please help..Help when I ask-- or shut up and show up.. just wondering. 

They have not set a date yet, so no details have been discussed.

emilykatherine

I've found that there are very different expectations from tradionally southern vs northern families. I was under the impression the groom's family should cover the bar bill at the reception, but apparently that isn't always the case.

As far as my wedding went, the MIL could have been a very important route of communication between me and the entire groom's family for the whens, wheres and whys of the wedding weekend. Unfortunatly, I failed to realize this, and there were some major things that never got communicated to the groom's family, such as when to show up for pictures.

ZachandMere

I'm getting married in a month (we had a 6month engagement) and both my FI and I were the "firsts" in each family to get married.  We had some upfront conversations about who was going to cover what and how much they were willing to pay for each thing.  My FMIL and FFIL are from "up north" and are covering the alcohol, rehearsal dinner, limo to/from the wedding for OOT guests, and a recovery breakfast the following day.  They are also throwing me a shower "up north" where they invited their friends/family from around there.  My parents gave us a lump sum to spend how we felt necessary and that worked really well. 

My FMIL and FFIL haven't contributed their opinions too much.  They came down to visit about a month after we got engaged to look at various places for the wedding and meet with various vendors.  I wanted them to feel "incorporated" into the wedding.  For example, my FMIL came to look at my dress for my first fitting, but I had already picked it out or we met with the hotel that the OOT guests will stay at. 

By far the most difficult conversation with my FMIL and FFIL was the guest list.  My FI and I wanted a small wedding (100 max), which is unheard of in his Italian culture.  It was a struggle for them to figure out who to invite and who to leave out so they decided to throw us a party in the spring "up north." 

I think the best thing is to have open communication.  Terms like "small wedding" need to be explained because one person's "small wedding" is another's "large wedding." 

squirrly

I would invite your son and FDIL for dinner and ask what sort of wedding and RD they're hoping for.  You should have a budget in mind of what you want to/are able to contribute, and let them know that. 

As the bride, I would find it much more helpful for someone to say, "We would like to take care of the RD, up to $X amount.  The rest can go toward the wedding, HM, or be part of your gift."  You need to let them know if you want to plan the RD yourself, start to finish, or if you want them to plan and you pay, or something in between.  Also, let them know up front if the money comes with any strings - they must or must not invite certain people, they must or must not have it at a specific restaurant, serve fish, host the bar, etc.  Don't surprise them with limitations later on. 

My ILs were about 1000 miles away from us while planning the wedding, so they weren't particularly involved in the wedding planning itself.  For the RD, I recommended a few restaurants to my H, we went to eat at all of them, & decided on one we thought was the best fit.  We took his parents there when they came to visit and all agreed on it as a RD location.  I signed all the papers with the restaurant to book things and set the menu and such, but I talked with the ILs first to ensure everyone was in agreement.  They picked up the tab at the end of the night.  Beyond that, they didn't cover any other part of the wedding, but gave us a very generous gift. 

I think showing interest, offering ideas an opinions if your son and FDIL are open to them, etc. are all fine.  Placing demands is when the situation gets sticky and people get their feelings hurt.

The very traditional things covered by the groom's family, in addition to the RD, are the alcohol, flowers, and HM.  But that's pretty rare these days. 

inkygirl

Ditto everything above and I'd also recommend helping with addresses ASAP.  Also, as the RSVP deadline comes, be willing to follow up with the slackers who don't RSVP.  And do what you can to get to know her parents as well.  I'm so thankful that our parents all get along and it's going to make life much easier for us.