Paying for a church

leahmarieharris

Hello, I need some advice and feedback on the possibility of paying, in my opinion an excessive amount, for a church. I am having a breakdown of faith and now questioning where I stand with the Catholic Church. I am a lifelong Catholic and extremely devoted to the church. I attended a couple World Youth Days when I was younger, taught CCD for seven years and attended church weekly, even through college. I have always envisioned and dreamed about getting married in the church by my childhood priest. Well that has now all hit a wall and I am now left questioning what I should do. My fiancé is not Catholic, he has never been baptized. We are able to marry in the church; however we are not allowed to have a full mass, rather we can just have a 15 minute marriage ceremony. Both my fiancé and I want to marry in our city's urban center, rather than the suburbs where my home parish is located. We are planning on having our reception in the city and want to keep the ceremony downtown to make it easier for our guest. Also, where we desire to get married is a beautiful historic cathedral building in between the riverfront and our state capitol building. Our heart is set on this location... but the church is going to charge us $1200 to have a 15 minute ceremony. I have approached the church and told them that amount is beyond our means and offered to volunteer, give back to that parish, anything to set a more reasonable price. They said they make no exception and that is the price. I was flabbergasted. For an organization of faith to turn me away because of my inability to pay that amount is astonishing to me? Now if we don't get married at this city church I am not sure what else to do? Our diocese is extremely strict and will not let us marry anywhere else but the church, no exceptions. My fiancé does not want to get married outside the city. So we have two choices, 1. Break the budget and pay the amount or 2. Defy the church and get married somewhere else, which would essentially mean I would leave the Catholic religion. This is more of a question of what faith means rather than the financial issue. How can a church impose so many stringent rules without inflexibility? After all are churches supposed to be a place of love and forgiveness? Has anyone ever come across something like this or had similar feelings?

Leah&Christian09

Our church charged $1300.  We were on a fairly tight budget, so this was a significant chunk.  However, the wedding ceremony was the most important part, and the purpose of it all.  It was definately more important than flowers, so I was happy to pay it.I can see why a gorgeous historical downtown cathedral would have such a high fee, and I can see why they wouldn't bend for non-members.If I were you I would just get married at the home church in the suburbs. 

vanessahurd

The church where my fiance and I are parishoners charge $700 for members ($1500 for non-members), and when we merely mentioned to our priest that we were on a tight budget he waived the entire fee for us. We didn't even ask for a discount, we just mentioned how we were getting creative with DIY projects because we were broke.So I'm assuming this church is not being unforgiving and unloving, they just have a price set for nonmembers, and if they waive it or discounted it for one couple, they'd have to do it for every couple who asked. Besides convenience for your guests, is there any other reason why you'd be opposed to having the ceremony in the suburbs? If you time it right, driving for a bit isn't the biggest deal in the world.And if you do decide to get married outside of a catholic church, you do not have to remove yourself from the faith. As a very liberal catholic, I do not understand why getting married outside a particular building means that you are "living in sin"...I think it's pretty archaic. If you include your commitment to each other, your faith, and God in your ceremony, I don't see how that can be sinful. That being said, rules are rules I guess. You can get married outside the church, go to confession every week, in or outside of mass, and still receive communion.

leahmarieharris

Thanks ladies for your input. It is good to know that the rate for this church is on par with other Catholic Church. However, I still feel that this is awfully high priced in comparison to other churches, but I could be just off base. My fiance has been so kind and understanding through this process and is supportive of my decision. However, his priority is to have the ceremony downtown. I would like to honor his wishes, as he is honoring mine to have the wedding in the church. I guess it is hard for me to put the 'archaic rules' into action. Thanks for the input. I will update you once I have made up my mind! I have a meeting with my priest on Tuesday, so hopefully he can give me so much needed guidance.

lap256

FYI, the ceremony without mass should be longer, ours will be about 45 minutes.Anyway, charging more for a desired location is pretty common - I live in colorado, and it was 600$ for the in town church, and between $1200 and $1500 for a chapel in the mountains.What does the church fee include? The $600 is way more than the know budgeter estimates for officiant fee or ceremony site, but our fee included ceremony musicians, programs and a cantor. Also, because we're getting married in an ornate church, we cut all ceremony flowers. What about getting married in a regular church downtown, not a cathedral? A regular church will probably be less expensive.Finally, realistically, is this church actually out of your means, or do you just not want to pay the fee? Remember, 'inability to pay' is very different than 'desire to pay'. If the church fee is less than 10% of your total budget, then I would break your budget and cut back somewhere else. If it's closer to 20% (or beyond), then I would look somewhere else.

lap256

Ok, looking through my post, it sounds a little harsh (chalk it up to wedding stress!). anyway, what I failed to mention is that I do wish the church would be more flexible, both in fees and in ceremony location. I think it's really great that you're trying to accomodate your fiance's desire for a downtown ceremony, and shorten the drive between ceremony and reception for your guests :-)

leahmarieharris

lap256- Thanks for the clarification. I see that you are about a week away from your wedding! Congrats! I can't imagine what I will be feeling at the point! I understand all the reasoning behind all of the set costs of the church. I guess my feelings about this are coming from a lot of other places as well. I have a future mother in-law that is anti-religion and does not understand any of this. Luckily, my fabulous FI is reminding me that it only matters what I find important! The cost of the church is about 12% of our budget costs. We can make this work; it would be tight but can be done. As I said in my first post this isn't necessarily about the financial costs, but about the stringent rules associated with the Catholic religion. For example, my cousins are extremely talented musicians. They play the violin and piano. It is extremely important to me that they play at the wedding. They mean a lot to me and I can't think of anything more moving and loving than them playing at the wedding. I am being told that they might not be able to play. The parish organist has to sign off on this. And even if we don't use the organist we still have to pay him. Now I can kind of see paying him, it is his church after all. But not allowing my cousins play? I guess there are many things that are making me feel uneasy about this. Now I can probably chalk it up to pre-wedding stress and the fear of making a mistake. I just wanted to get some feedback. So thanks for helping!

ffmaid

Option 3 get married in your home parish or another parish within the city even if not as pretty  

lraes

I'm a member at the church we're getting married at & have been since I can remember. It was important to me to do it there because the church means something to me, not because it was the prettiest location. I agree that the ceremony is what the ENTIRE day is about, so really, cuts could be found elsewhere if you really want to have your wedding there. Our church does not charge a fee for members that have been active in the church. You & FI are not members & therefore have not been giving to the church, with time or money, so I think it's reasonable to ask for a considerable donation to the church in exchange for your ceremony. Also, a ceremony outside of mass SHOULD be at least 30 minutes, probably closer to 45. If it's really that important to you to get married in THAT church, I'd say cut back on the rest of the day; the most important thing is the marriage! GL! HTH

Truchana

I can understand your frustration.  We wanted to get married at a church next to our reception location.  It also happened to be absolutely beautiful and within walking distance to the RD. they charged $750 - which I am not from a big city rather a town of 200,000 people.  My understanding is that they charged this regardless if you were a member, however members got first dibs on dates.  my church only charged $100 because said everyone should be able to afford to get married. I guess I would say, any church in a downtown big city is going to be expensive.  the property taxes, etc, they have to pay would be outrageous alone, so they need to make money to pay these things to keep the parish up and running.  I can see them not allowin you to volunteer to pay it off, because once they do it for one, they do it for all. I have found the catholic faith does have a lot of unnecessary rules and red tape to go through, which most have a reason behind them, although it may be a dumb reason. I wish I could tell you it was different. Some parishes are stricter than others.

GulfCoaster

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but:You aren't unable to pay the fee.  If you have more than $1200 in your wedding budget (which you appear to), then you technically are able to pay the fee, although it may require cutbacks elsewhere.Also, you aren't a member of this parish.  You haven't been contributing to the church with your time and money, so it is reasonable for the parish to charge you a fee.  It's a cathedral, so they no doubt have many couples who want to get married there.  If they waived the fee for you (who are not really "unable" to pay the fee, b/c you're not indigent), then they would have lots of couples seeking fee waivers.  You have several options here, as I see it.1) Get married at your home parish in the suburbs.2) Pay the $1200 fee, make some cutbacks elsewhere, and get married at the cathedral.3) Find another church in the city, and get married there.  I see you're in Central PA, and you mention the state capitol, so I assume you're in Harrisburg.  I can't imagine that there are no other churches in the city of Harrisburg besides the cathedral.The ceremony is the most important part of your wedding -- it is the sacrament.  The reception is fun, but it's just the party after the important part.  Money you spend on the ceremony really will be worth it.

Da0419

Um holy crap, $1200 is way expensive!  We're getting married in a 125 year old Catholic cathedral, and our fee is only  $300 and then $200 for the pianist.  I think it's highway robbery what you're being charged.  Though I do have to say that our church wouldn't let us get married without joining the parish.  The cathedral is an hour away from where we live, but it's so worth it!

PolarBearFans

My church (a downtown cathedral) charges $1000 for members and near $2000 for non-members. I am guessing you are being asked to pay a non-members fee since that is not the church you are a member of. The cost that ours charges covers everything though including an organ player, cantor, priest, building, etc. Usually cathedrals charge more than other catholic churches to discourage people from choosing the location because they are "pretty". I know you are choosing it for location, but they still have expenses assoicated with the building and you getting married there plus the location is probably in demand and if they make one exception, they will have to make it for everyone. They are not trying to be mean to you, but they need to be fair, and the best way to do that is to have uniform rules for everyone. sorry about your luck, but you may have to find another curch or pay the money. you also don't have to leave the catholic religion. If you would leave over not getting your way on wedding location, your faith was never very strong anyway, and there really isn't any reason to go through the motions with a religious wedding.

chicagobride_07

I think you should get married at your local parish.We got married at Holy Name Cathedral in downtown Chicago.  It was $800 for the church, and $475 for music.  We also gave the priest a little something.  So, I don't think we they are asking for is out of character at all.My church does not marry non-members (you need to be a parishoner).  They will waive fees for the church usage if you have financial hardship, but the key is you have to be a parishoner.That may be the problem you are having.

amberoye

Well, in terms of faith the Church has laws because Christ commanded them. But when it comes to that particular parish being inflexible I think it has to do with allowing one person to do it will make it okay for everyone else. Plus, running a church isn't cheap. See if you can get the price reduced by your tithe history. Ours was $1000, but was waived because FI's family had tithed there for so long.

ootmother2

These posts always surprise me.B&G wanted to be married on Cape Cod although they both lived elsewhere.  Went to look at three churches, chose one.  Priest said no fee for the church but they were required to pay the organist/soloist $250, using them or not.  The priest refused a gratuitiy also.

Calypso1977

IMO, churches should NOT be charging for sacraments.  it sounds to me like the options you posed to the priest were very reasonable.  HOWEVER, i see you are having a city reception.  i'm going to assume that's pretty pricey.  how do you justify having a $20K reception with all the frills then balking at the church fee?  as a PP said, the ceremony is the MOST IMPORTANT PART of the day.  i would either cut your limo, favors, STD's or some other unnecessary component so you can "afford" the $1200 fee or get married in teh suburbs and pick a new reception location.  i do not advise marrying outside of the church, since as you stated, your marriage will not be valid.

Noelle1219

I don't think churches should charge for sacraments either. Our church is charging us $700 for members, more for non-members. Also, we had to pay $75 to do our pre cana which we were able to do online and consisted of us watching a Ppt slideshow for a few hours. I think that cost was ridiculous. I think this is a money making business for the Church, another place jumping on the wedding money making bandwagon....

agapecarrie

Churches do not and cannot charge for sacraments. If you wanted to have the sacrament of marriage on a weekday during a regularly scheduled mass with 2 witnesses and no frills, you can do it for free. When brides are spending upwards of $30,000  on their wedding (not saying the ones here are), why is the use of a reception hall ok to pay a few thousand, but the use of the building for the actual ceremony site not? Sometimes the city churches do not have a strong economic parish base to sustain it. Brides go and choose pretty churches for their pictures instead of for the community, and this is the only way that these churches can actually stay open. To heat/a/c an old cathedral type church is very expensive, especially for just one wedding in the middle of the day. It takes janitorial staff on a weekend.Please, before anyone accuses the church of "money making" activities, perhaps look at the finances of the churches and put together some facts before.

Calypso1977

agape, i've seen the "charging" even for things like baptism, although its indirect.  "sure, we'll baptize your baby, but you and your child's godparents have to take a class first, oh, and the class costs $50".  so yes, the baptism is free, as it should be, but then they get ya by charging for this supposed class that's required.  in my parents day, classes were never required for things like baptism.  also, waht's more hideous, is my sister's church actually made her and I take the class for her 3rd and 4th babies, despite the fact that i was already godmother to the first 2, and my sister and I clearly knew what baptism was and why it was done.  my sister also goes weekly to church with her family, and quite often takes the kids to daily mass where her oldest serves.  stupid!

roselyn81

We were charged $1925. I guess the Church needs to make money somehow...

jewel05

I never post here, but this just set me off....I am so sick of hearing from the Church that the Sacrament is the most important thing, it's not a commodity...look at what the wedding industry has turned into...just for them to turn around and charge $1500 to get married. Need WE remind THEM that weddings are a Sacrament, and not an opportunity for profit? What exactly is that $1500 going towards? We are told that unless weddings are held in a Church, they won't be recognized by the faith...if you are a practicing Catholic, this is a major problem...so they turn around and exhort money from the faithful?!? Sometimes the Church, or at least the administrators of the Church, make it so hard to defend...really, I'd like to hear/see one legitimate defense for that cost.

chicagobride_07

Honestly, I was fine with paying what we did for our church.  It is a much more justifiable expense than say, chair covers. 

ootmother2

Haven't seen charges for baptism either.  I must just go to weird churches l)Last family christening, I called the original pastor of the parish in the town where my family lived and asked him  if he could do the honors at his old church (of 40 years).  He is retired but does do special occasions like this. No charge for the church, no classes for the parents or godparents.  The parents gave the priest a nice gift and donated $250 to the church.  They were not asked to donate anything at all.I totally understand the OPs point.  Faith is more important than the financial issue and there should be flexibility.Trust me, the Catholic Church is not hurting for money at all.  Ever see the investments held by the Vatican?I am a devout Catholic but this bothers me a great deal.We need to keep the young people coming into the Church, not leaving it!

IrishBrideND

I can understand why churches charge. They encure costs by having a wedding and their donations are WAY down. Many if not most churches in this country are struggling. They aren't doing it to make money, they are doing it to make it possible to actually have weddings there.   ours was 600 or 800. I can't remember. That paid the two wedding coordinators, set up, clean up, and all the other people involved in making things run at the church, as well as utilities and such.

IrishBrideND

oh and I think baptisms are different since most tend to take place during mass so there really aren't extra expenses.

PolarBearFans

With all the recent church closings, i wouldn't say they are rolling in the money, especially with attendence down and donations down too. the church doesn't pocket the money and go on a spending spree, they use it to help the community and people in need. Soup kitchens and shelters are not free to run, neither is the RCIA program, or the numerous other programs the church runs for youths and the community. It also costs money to maintain the building and items within the buiding. The vatican has assets, but it is mainly works of art, not easily converted to cash. The OP is not even a member of the church she wants the fee waived at. She just wants to get married there because the location is more convienant. With all that we spend on weddings that are really are just luxuries, I know think the church is the place to try and negotiate down. Cut out flowers, fancy invites, get a cheaper dress, drive yourself, but stop complaining that the cost of the church is interfering with the luxuries that you want. Has anyone considered that the cost of getting married in the church has gone up because many of the couples getting married nowadays don't regualry attend mass? attendence is down. i know many people that are getting married in the church but only attend mass on christmas and easter, and that is only because of family pressure. I really don't think the fees are inreasonable, and many churches work with couples of lowering the cost if there really is a hardship and they are actually a member of that church.

Calypso1977

the vatican may not be hurting, i honestly dont know.  but i also konw that donations, etc. are taken so that care for elderly, retired priests, nuns, etc. can be taken care of.  i assume they have (like all "businesses") significant overhead as well for things like healthcare costs.  Priests need doctors too. I honestly have no problem with the high church fees.  What i do have an issue with is where they dont allow for negotiation on those fees.  It realy should be a "suggested donation".  If you are dropping $20K plus on your reception, then just pay the donation already.  If you truly cant, or if you have another way of paying such as OP suggested, through volunteering, donating time, etc. that should suffice too.   Our fee was mininimal - i think $100 or $150, but that also included our pre-cana. OOT, they are all different as far as classes, fees, etc  I think that is also a HUGE problem with the Church today - zero consistency with regard to things like this.  A priest really makes or breaks a parish, IMO. 

loletta_tq

YEs,  i was completely shocked to hear that my home parish ws charging 2500 for the ceremony, 1000 for the organist and 500 for a cantor.  the kicker, you have to use there people so you are not allowed to hire of bring in anyone from outside the parish.  needless to say I went to a different parish and registered.  there fee was 600 and it included everything.

IrishBrideND

Jewel:if you are that angry about it, you should ask your church for a break down on what the fees go to.

pn04

 I never post here but...I want a church that doesn't charge and I want a reception at the NYC Plaza without the room charge, afterall I AM paying for the FOOD!! Really? Where I come from you can go to a church and get married for free during any mass, if you ask them to come in on a Saturday and turn on lights, air conditioning, play the organ and perform a ceremony for you and your 200 guests to attend, they should get paid! Same as, you can go eat at The Plaza any time during regular business hours and just pay for the food, but ask them to set up a room just for you and your 200 guests and they WILL charge you.How much did you pay for your dress? or the flowers, cake, hair and makeup, you can you your own makeup! Invitations are expensive too, unless you make your own. I'm sick and tired of people bitching about church rules and costs while they spend upwards of 30K for a reception. Every place has its rules (you can't bring just any cake baker to the Plaza) and only the church gets killed for it!Get over yourself!