Living together and Methodist helper?

mhoneill

Good afternoon! I am not catholic, but many of my family members are and we are considering having our wedding in a catholic church.  I have attended several masses (without taking communion) and are thinking going through the steps to become catholic.  I have a couple of questions though about converting and the wedding ceremony.  We live together and I am not sure how this is handled.  I know it is not a deal breaker, but the website said that the priest will share all the issues with it.  Has any one gone through this before and can share any experiences?  Also, my father is not "giving me away" and I would like him to be involved in the ceremony.  He is Methodist.  Does anyone know any issues?  Thank you! I am really new to this :-)

mlhw NH

FI and I are living together.  I went through the RCIA process (the process to recieve the sacraments including confirmation)  only because I wanted to, NOT because of the wedding.  I have some people in my life that still don't understand this, but anyway! 

When we met with our priest he did not like us living together and said that we really needed to be mindful that it isn't what the church wants.  He told us that it complicates things when "people live together like they are married when they are not."  He also said that he didn't expect one of us to move out or anything, but basically our living situation wasn't ideal especially where I was going through the RCIA process.  I was really thrown off by this because the preist that I met with previously (there was a change in priests during all of this) was aware that we live together and his response was "I have heard that before."  I had to take a step back after all of this to evaluate my life and my choices.  I don't regret them so far.  So I think that like everything with planning a wedding in a Catholic church it depends on the church and priest.  


Good Luck! 

[Deleted User]

FI and I live together as well. Yes, it is frowned upon by the Church, but most priests will get over it. We live together more for financial reasons bc I moved to join FI after he took an out of state job and the pay is minimum wage here for the same thing I was doing back home and able to live on my own. That aside, our priest just told us to make sure we didn't see each other naked, etc, had seperate bedrooms and all that, did not engage in sex. And we do have our seperate bedrooms and practice what the priest has told us. They are not going to not allow you to get married bc you live together.

As far as RCIA goes, FI went through it before we met (he had never been confirmed). I went through in Sept 2008 and was confirmed in April 2009. Usually the RCIA programs take about 9mos or so, but I have heard of them being way longer than that as well.

And, your Dad can still walk you down the aisle, he doesn't have to be Catholic. My dad isn't Catholic and he is walking me down the aisle. When it comes to this, I have also heard of some priests recommending you either walk in by yourself of with your husband-2-be. I guess I am old fashioned when it comes to this and still want my dad to do it. I think you will also find some things vary between parishes and priests when and if you decide to get married in the Church. One example being the unity candle, there are no rules against it in the Together for Life book you will probably receive once you start your marriage prep, but our priest does not allow it bc it is not traditionally part of the Catholic liturgy. No big deal for us, though.

Calypso1977

There are two types of living together.  There is living together as roommates and living together as a married couple would live together. 

My H and i ended up living together as roommates for about 7 months, which was the entire duration of our engagement.  During this time we kept separate bedrooms and did not engage in sexual activity.   H and i did not want to live together as we knew it was not in line with church teaching.  however, we did so becuase we had the opportunity to buy a home and we didnt want to miss out since if we didnt find somethign, we would have had to have lived separate after the wedding until we found a place (H has a mileage requirement for his job - my apartment was too far, and his apartment would not accomodate the two of us and my cat). 

i was up front wtih our priest about our living situation before he even asked.  he is extremely traditional but was ok with it, i think because i volunteered the info and because he truly trusted that we were living separate while under teh same roof.  we also frequently attend church so he knew our intentions were genuine as far as trying to prepare ourselves for marriage.

some priests will refuse to marry you if you live together.  ours fortunately did not.  other priests will marry you in order to rectify the "living in sin" situation.

my issue with the church is that too often they assume folks living together are having sex.  this is not always true, although it probably is the majority of the time.  however, i think what i find more troubling is that often the assumption is that folks who dont live together are not having sex, therefore they get a totally free pass without any difficult questions and they are not given an adequate opportunity to reflect on their sins, since the priest assumes that no sin is taking place.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_living-together-methodist-helper?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:46b6f283-d00b-47ae-ba75-c7df6336a272Post:ceb9e27f-e28d-4da5-899b-fd8af1bc7e9b">Re: Living together and Methodist helper?</a>:
[QUOTE]my issue with the church is that too often they assume folks living together are having sex.  this is not always true, although it probably is the majority of the time.  however, i think what i find more troubling is that often the assumption is that folks who dont live together are not having sex, therefore they get a totally free pass without any difficult questions and they are not given an adequate opportunity to reflect on their sins, since the priest assumes that no sin is taking place.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

that's a really good point!

Calypso1977

well, its like the issue of refusing communion.  i believe in the right of a priest to refuse communion if he feels they may be in a state of sin and should not receive.  however, if he refuses it to a couple who is living together, who may very well be chaste, but then passes it out to the non-living together couple who shags before and after Mass without a second though, that just isnt right.

wifeandmommy0609

I have been living with my Fl for 7 years. I am not catholic but i will be talking RCIA classes (I decidied too and no i didn't decided to do it for the wedding) in Sept. We hve two kids together and have been Married Civily for 2 years (we elpode). Our Church didn't see a problem with us wanting to get married in the church and living together and having two kids.

We are taking all the Marrage preps like everyone else. We just have the Natural family planning left to do.

mhoneill

Thank you so much for all the comments! This really helped. 

bel138

May I ask a few questions? You are not currently Catholic, but want to convert. Is your FI Catholic? I cannot tell from your post. Is your desire to become Catholic because you feel a pull towards the faith, or because you FI is Catholic, or you want a wedding in the church? Do you have any wedding details planned yet?

I'm not trying to be rude. Your post is just a bit confusing to me. I understand you have a lot of questions, but it seems like you're more interested in small details of Catholic wedding ceremony rules. Also, if both you and your FI would be doing RCIA, I don't know if this is the best time. I'm not sure that a priest would schedule a wedding for two people in the process of converting. While you're going through the process, you still have opportunities to "opt out" or change your mind. Then what would happen?

I feel like everyone else jumped in on answering the questions about minutiae without addressing other things in the post. Or maybe I'm just totally missing something.

Calypso1977

i had assumed her FI was Catholic....now that i have re-read it, i see that it isnt entirely clear.

[Deleted User]

No, its not you bel138 . You are correct, I see that now.

catarntina

Throughout our marriage prep class, they explained how the church does not like people who co-habitate before marriage. They said that if we were cohabitating, they would *prefer* it if one of us moved out. Unfortunately, that's not financially feasible.  Our families live in Ohio, I got the job in Colorado, and he came with me to Colorado because he didn't want to lbe without me.  Well, we can't really afford two apartments at $700 / month.  And to be honest, we would have gotten married a year and a half ago if we had the money.  A church wedding was important to me, so I did not want to run off to Vegas.

My church asks if you're cohabitating, you have to fill out an extra section on the FOCCUS review, and had to listen to why the church says we should not cohabitate.  Other than that, it was almost a non-issue.  They're still going to perform the ceremony.

wifeandmommy0609: We're finishing up our NFP classes right now, in Fort Collins (I saw you were in Colorado )