Catholic Weddings

Unsure about our decision to get married in the church (Long)

Hi ladies, I've never posted here before, but I had some thoughts that I guess I need to get out and I'm hoping this is the appropriate board for it.

I am baptized and confirmed Catholic. My family and I went to mass pretty much every week until I was a teenager. At that point, I felt I had better things to do than go sit in church for an hour and I basically refused to go. At this point, I think I've been to mass maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 8 years, with the exception of funeral masses, weddings etc. I would obviously not consider myself a practicing Catholic.

FI and I are getting married in the church because it is important to his mother. She was devastated that his brother didn't get married in the church and he felt like he had to do it, so I agreed. We've already booked the church and I put him in charge of figuring out Pre Cana and all that. However, the more I think about it, the more I feel like we shouldn't be getting marred in the church. I really don't think I can consider myself a Catholic at this point. I have different beliefs than the church (pro choice, pro gay marriage, pro contraception, etc.) I'm not even sure where I stand on the issue of whether there is a God, heaven, etc. I don't mean to offend anyone, but sometimes the whole thing just seems really far fetched to me. I didn't choose to feel that way, but the logical part of my brain just can't wrap my head around it. If someone were to ask what my religion is and I was going to give an honest answer, I'd have to say I was raised Catholic but at this point, I am largely non religious. My family doesn't really practice anymore either.

FI, on the other hand, still considers himself a Catholic, even though I don't feel like in actuality he is. He's okay with abortion in certain instances, he definitely believes in birth control, he's had plenty of premarital sex (sorry if that's TMI), he doesn't go to mass, nor does he believe that it's a sin that he doesn't, etc. He does strongly believe in God, but doesn't feel he needs to attend to church to be on good standing with God. I think this makes him Christian, but not really Catholic. His mom is very Catholic, she believes in everything the church teaches, she goes to mass weekly and goes to prayer groups throughout the week. Though we were both raised Catholic, I guess it's the fact that it was instilled in him more strongly than it was me that makes him more religious than I am.

I have no idea what to expect from Pre Cana and the Foccus thing and all that. I'm worried about what kinds of questions I will be asked. I know that plenty of people get married in the church, even if they don't share all their beliefs, but I'm not sure if those people just lie or what. I just worry that I disagree TOO much with the church. Can the priest say he won't marry us because my beliefs go against the church's beliefs? I don't want to lie to a priest about anything, but I'm really worried they'll kick us out or something. I know that the church will often marry a Catholic and someone of another faith, but I feel like it might even look worse that I'm confirmed Catholic, but don't practice what they preach.

FI also says the only things you technically "have" to believe to be Catholic are the things you recited at confirmation, but I don't even remember what those things were and if that's true.

As a side note, it's important to FI that our children are raised Catholic in the same way that we were. He wants them confirmed and all that so they later have the option to practice their religion if they choose to. I've agreed to this, especially since the things I disagree with the church about are things that you mostly learn about as an adult, not as a child in CCD, preparing for the sacraments, etc. I guess for this reason, it would be easiest if the church recognizes our marriage. I know a lot of parishes require you to be a participating member in order to have your children receive the sacraments, so if that's the case, then I would assume we'd start going to mass at that time.

I know this is super long and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. Maybe advice on what Pre Cana is like and how to handle it? Similiar experiences? I know since this is a board for Catholic weddings that most of you are probably practicing Catholics and I hope I didn't offend anyone with my differing beliefs. I just wasn't really sure where else to share my thoughts.


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Re: Unsure about our decision to get married in the church (Long)

  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I would suggest beginning the formation process. If you decide that it asks of you something that you can't do or say, then consider other avenues....but, give it a shot.

    Unfortunately, lots of people have formed opinions about church teaching because all they heard was "its against something"...and that's where their education ends. Most people I know that were raised catholic, and stopped going, haven't actually learned the "whys" about why the church teaches any of those adult items you were talking about. They simply formed opinions on other things, and never really gave the real church teaching any consideration. I would suggest looking into WHY the church teaches what she does, and where she gets her authority to do so. You might be surprised at just how compassionate and upholding of human dignity the church is. 
    Basically, know what you are rejecting before you reject it. Also, most people I know that have left the church also unfortunately haven't been presented with the living Gospel, or experienced any true depth of love of God. I also know plenty of people who first held opinions in contradiction with the church (me included) who did lots of research that changed what they thought.  I would encourage you to pray this:

    "God, if you exist, please show me the truth". and then be open to it, and read up on things. 

    Places to start:
    -Rome Sweet Home  by Scott Hahn
    - Theology of the Body for Beginners: by Christopher West
    Good news about sex and marriage by Christopher West
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  • I don't really have much to add to what Carrie said, except that I really, really, really hope that you and FI can use the marriage preparation time to really decide what the role of God should be in your marriage.  I think it will be hard to raise your children faithfully if you and he don't really a) agree with what they are learning or b) don't really understand what they are learning.  AND I hope that you do decide to do research that brings you closer to God and the church.

    I would talk about all your concerns with your priest.  Hopefully you are working with one who can give you the best guidance possible.
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  • I agree with pps, but I also think that if you and your fi still believe that you do not want to actively practice the catholic faith, I would not get married in the catholic church. To me, it would be like lying and it would make a mockery of those who wed there and truly believe it. It doesn't matter what fmil wants, just what you two want.

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  • Figuring out your faith and the things that go with it is a really hard thing. I will definitely say some prayers for you and your FI!

    PPs have some great advice for you, but I'll add/expand on my main thoughts.

    Firstly, you are right in that you shouldn't get married there JUST for someone else (your FI's mom in this case).  When you marry in the church, you are vowing to have a Catholic marriage, not just a Catholic wedding.  I commend that you recognize that and that you are very open to what you are feeling and thinking right now.

    Talking to a priest and explaining how you both feel is an extremely good idea.  Be open.  Explain your hopes, fears and questions.  Continue to have an open mind.  Keep in mind too that it could be really hard raising Catholic children without being Catholic yourselves.  It's hard to tell your kids to "do as I say, not as I do".  At a minimum, if you do choose to raise them Catholic, please be sure to gain as much knowledge as you can on the Church so that when your children ask you questions, you are able to answer them.

    I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what is best for you!

  • I agree with the great advice you've gotten from PPs, especially Carrie, but I just wanted to encourage you to really take the time to figure out what you and your fiance really want and to get on the same page about how you want your married and family lives to look. I will pray for you, and truly hope that things work out.
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  • Welcome to the board and congrats on your upcoming marriage!

    I agree with what everyone has posted and I think you are wise to really think this through. I'd also say that I was, at one point, against many of the Church teachings you mentioned specifically. When I began dating my now-husband, who had become a more serious Catholic, I attacked him about those topics. I wasn't nice. He very patiently and caringly explained where all of these stances were derived. He didn't pressure me at all, just said "well, this is where that comes from. this is why this rule came about". It took a while, but eventually it made a lot more sense. I truly believe that the "mainstream" idea of what the Church teaches is NOT AT ALL what it really teaches. Nor does the mainstream adequately demonstrate the priorities of the Church. Based on the media, you'd think every priest is a pedophile and no one in the Church is concerned or taking steps to correct bad behavior, and all churches spend 99% of their time fighting homosexuals, contraception and abortion. In reality, the focus is on being a good person and promoting that in  all you do. Of course, those other topics come up, but the underlying message is the meat and potatoes.

    If you want to understand a bit more (even if, in the end, you don't change your mind) feel free to ask questions here, or PM one of us to discuss in private. I find that learning more about "the other side" either makes me feel strength in how I feel, or completely opens my mind up to better ideas. But, you have to find the right source of information. Unfurtunately, it isn't always easy to find someone to talk to that won't get overly-passionate and aggressive, but you can give us a try!

    I hope you are able to figure things out and feel more comfort in the path you and your future husband are taking! Feel free to stick around here and participate!
  •   I'm with Riss on this one.  Sooo many people seem to think all that catholics do is sit around and judge sex.  Birth Control, Homosexuality and Abortion.  Are those the only sins that people can think of?

    Not showing compassiotn to others. not offering support and aid to those in need is far worse than a  random BJ you gave your boyfriend is not really the end of the world although you thought it was when you grew away from the church.


    I left the church for several years for similar reasons.  It became overwhelmingly boring so I though a church change would help.  The first church was no different but the third one was.quite different.  I actually felt as though my presence was needed and wanted and not just following a rule.

    I would advise you to take baby steps.  You might start with a very open conversation with the priest.  If you can't talk to him or dislike him, get another one.  This is serious for you so your advisor (guide) should be someone you like and trust.

    Try to do this for YOU.  Not your FMIL or even your FI.  You may very well decide to be Catholic but you may also decide not to.  Whichever way it goes, you have make a well informed decision to choose your religion

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